Killing Lopside (One)

Lilah frowned at the trail of fur, stuck onto the rough stone that made up the floor.
“Stupid Cat!” Ash said, kicking the damp wall in frustration. Lilah either didn’t notice, or ignored him. She bent down and picked up a small fluff or the fur, such a colour she didn’t even know what to call it. But she noticed something. It was soft.
“This isn’t his fur,” she said, standing up. Ash’s mouth dropped open.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said. “We’ve been following another cat this entire time?” Lilah nodded. Ash groaned and kicked the wall again.
“I’m guessing he set it up. It’s like a distraction.” Ash frowned. To anyone else, this might have sounded insane. After all, it was just a cat - right? Wrong. Lopside is the most maniacal, the most insane, the most devious, and the most intelligent cat you will ever meet (though you should hope you never do.)
“We need a plan,” Ash said, sliding down the wall and drumming his fingers on the coarse floor. Lilah sat down next to him, purposefully ignoring the spider crawling up the wall opposite.
“I agree.” They sat for a moment, their heads together (both literally and metaphorically), thinking through their predicament. Something must be done with this beast. Lopside can not roam free.
“I’ve got it,” Ash said after a long moment. “I know how to defeat him.”1

“You’re sure he’s in there?” Lilah peered sceptically through the keyhole, trying to see something within the dark room.
“MR-ROOOOWWWRR!” Lilah grimaced. Ash smirked.
“So, he’s in there,” she said, causing Ash’s smile to grow even wider. “What are we going to do?”
“Lopside’s in there, all alone, unprotected. We’re going to get Cuddles.” Gently, Lilah’s mouth turned up at the corners, getting wider and wider with every second.
“Ash, you’re brilliant!” she cried, jumping up from the dusty floor and wiping her hands on the front of her jeans. He shrugged, still smirking.
“I’ve been told.” Faster than most would think possible (you can run very fast when you are excited) Lilah and Ash arrived at the door to the kitchen. They pounded their fists against it’s surface, a loud, echoing series of booms emitting from their small hands. Suddenly, the door swung open and a barrel-chested man wearing a thick white apron stained with what looked like both blood and cupcake mix stood in front of them.
“Whadda ya want?” he said in a deep baritone. Lilah pushed Ash in front of her. He gave her a serious, angry look that she returned with a ‘SPEAK!’ one. He turned to the tall man as Lilah slipped her hands onto his shoulders, either to save him if it was needed, or so that she could hide behind him better and go very much unnoticed.
“Uhm, we were wondering if we could borrow Cuddles,” Ash said, his voice slow and unsure. The large man’s brow furrowed.
“What for?”
“Uhh…” Lilah poked his shoulder. “To … put an end to a very evil cat’s nastiness.” Lilah and Ash held their breath as the cook straightened himself up to his full height.
“D’you mean that Lopside?” he said in his thick lower-class accent. They both nodded. “Absolutely!” A great sigh of relief was let out, and Lilah let go of her companion’s shoulders.
“That mangy animal deserves a good one-two!” He gave a great, booming laugh and swung around his spatula in a combative manner. He whistled loudly. “Come ‘ere, Cuddles!” With a noise like a stampede, a huge English bulldog bounded towards them, drooling heavily. Lilah and Ash leaned down to pet him, trying their best to ignore the mounds of saliva spilling onto their hands.
“There y’ar,” the man said contentedly. “Have fun and have him back before ten!” He laughed again as they walked away quite a lot faster then what would be considered polite.
“Come on, Cuddles,” Lilah said in a baby voice. “You have some Kitty Bashing to do!” By the time they reached the door of Lopside’s chamber, the sun had already risen far past the tree line and the whole world was lit by the early morning glow. Ash peered through the keyhole.
“I can sort of see inside,” he said. “He’s in there! He’s - I think he’s sleeping… Ugh.” He backed away from the keyhole. Normally a snoozing cat would be cute. I’m sure Lopside would even be cute sleeping if he wasn’t so horribly ugly.
“This is your shot, Boy,” Lilah said, scratching behind the chubby dog’s ears. Gently Ash opened the door, flinching as it creaked. Cuddles lifted his head proudly and waddled into the gray room like he was a noble German Shepherd.
“Should we close the door?” Ash whispered. Lilah shrugged. The flinches returned as the door creaked shut and just as it was about to close a huge ruckus came from inside. Bashes and crashes and barks and hisses and hollers and horrible, dog-like whines erupted from the chamber. Ash and Lilah were backing away before they even knew what they were doing. Ash noticed the worried expression on his friend’s face and slipped his hand into hers. She squeezed it thankfully just as the noise came to an abrupt stop. Wheezing could be heard from inside. Slowly, they approached the slightly open door, which was moving ever so slightly back and forth from what was either wind, or terror. The very gently creaking felt like pins and needles in their quivering, knotted guts. Ash’s hand closed around the door knob. The two exchanged a glance and, gulping, they nodded. Holding their breath, they swung the door open, to see two figures in the dusty room.2

To Be Continued…