The Man Outside of my House

There is a man that sits in front of my house in his car. He never moves it, he's just parked. Sometimes he comes out and knocks on my door, maybe bang on a few windows. Mommy never lets me go out of the house unless she or daddy is holding my hand.1

He had long greying hair and bright green eyes, with a scraggly black goatee. His face is long and thin, he's a little taller then daddy, and he's really skinny. He has a camera that he takes pictures of us when we're outside.2

Sometimes I see him circle around our house like my dog did when he was here. Mommy said that he ran to go live with a pretty doggy and have many little doggy puppies. But then one day I saw the man with a large metal pencil, and he was drawing on my puppy.3

Daddy went to work today. Mommy was really afraid of the man outside of my house. He was standing on the doorstep the second daddy drove down the street. Mommy hid me in a closet, and she then went to get some food and a game to play. She's hugging me and telling me she loves me, but I don't know why.4

Mommy text messages daddy on her cel phone. Soon I hear him wheeling into the driveway. She begins screaming as he barges into the door, plowing the man in front of my house over. He then shuts the door on his fingers and locks it tight. He then calls the police, but the man outside of my house is gone. 5

The police let us sleep in the police's house while they are looking through our house for things the man may want, but there is nothing there. Mommy and daddy seem on their edges, but I don't know why. There was just a man outside of my house. 6

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Comments

1 - 18 of 18
  • ilovemykittytara
    November 18
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    creepy

    I loved it!!! Even though a little kid was telling the story you could see the darkness to it!!
    See ya soon
    -Rosie

    beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 3.


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    October 25

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    Yowza! That is creepy!

    You managed to create a chilling story in very little words. That is sometimes hard to do. Trust me. Not to mention the fact that you're 11! Wow. You are a fantastic young writer.

    Awesome work. I look forward to reading more of it in the future.

    One suggestion:
    Par 5: cel phone [cell phone]


  • MoreTears2Fall
    October 14

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    That was creepy. I would freak out if there was some weird guy like that around my house. It was very realistic, and I also like the suspense at the end. Great story!


  • PurpleScene.
    October 13
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    So freaking rad!


  • Brand New Eyes
    October 12

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    That was creepy... Man, that would've been freaky if that happened to me, and I never want that to happen. Loved the story idea!! Love it...
    Great story, Short but straight to the point!! And I also love how you wrote it in a little girls point of view... Seemed so realistic.

    - Alayna


  • StiLL DreamiN
    October 12

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    YES THE HELL IT WAS CREEPY!!! LOL

    That was creepy and scary. Like, think reality: close your eyes andpicutre a man doing all of that outside your house every day/night. Then oson as dad leaves, he decides to "make a move" LOL

    This was a great story. It sounded so realistic and I enjoyed the read; highly appreciated!!!

    beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 1, characters: 5.


  • Marisalyn13
    October 12

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    it wasn't creepy, but a little sad. why wouldnt the parents tell the girl that theres a creep outside their house, don't talk to him, look at him, or go outside alone without mommy or daddy? thats what i'd tell my children but in a nicer way for them to understand. it isnt nesceraly your best, but not your worst.

    • Dual.Of.Fireflies
      October 12

      Edit | Reply
      this is told in the POV of a six year old. What kind of mother or father would tell their six year old girl that there is a man stalking them outside of ehr own house! I dissagree with your opinion about this highly. Anyways, thx for the comment.

      • Marisalyn13
        October 13
        Edit | Reply
        I'm totally the type of parent even though I'm not one yet who would say
        "Sweetie, there's a strange man outside our house. For your safety, stay with mommy or daddy at all times, don't look at the man, don't talk to the man, and try to avoid him. Okay, sweetie? If you're scared just tell me. You're not? Okay, good." LOL. The 6 year old would be warned and know NOT TO TALK TO THE PYSCHO OUTSIDE THE DOOR!!! LOL!!!

  • ang2000
    October 12
    Edit | Reply

    No

    beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 1.

1 - 18 of 18