A girl was sitting alone in her room, crying. She was no more than three or four years old, sitting on a large fluffy bed. Her room was huge, filled with expensive toys to keep her happy for ages with an adjoining nursery in the other room and a bathroom as well. She would trade anything – or everything – in this room if it meant one thing could stay. 1
Suddenly, a boy walked in. He was around seventeen, with tanned skin and chestnut hair. The little girl gave a small gasp and leapt up from her spot, crashing into his hold. 2
“Why do you have to go, Tom?” She wailed her with her voice muffled in his shirt.3
“You don’t need me anymore.” He said kindly but there was a pain in his voice.4
“I will always need you!” She cried.5
The boy named Tom smiled at this and knelt down to her height. He wiped the tears from her eyes and sighed. “Don’t worry,” he tried to be hopeful, “One day when you least expect it, I’ll be back.”6
“You promise?” The little girl sniffled.7
“You know I can never break a promise.” The boy smiled. He grabbed a chain from his neck and took it off. It was made of silver, and its pendant was a strange but beautiful design with swirls and points. “Always wear this,” he informed her, “I’ll never be too far away.” 8
The little girl obediently put the chain around her neck. Tom smiled. 9
Two strong looking men in black suits and sunglasses came at the doorway, towering over even the boy. 10
“Time to go, Thomas.” One said.11
The girl was instantly frightened, and her small hands locked on his arm. Thomas sighed in defeat, and looked back at the girl. He saw in her eyes fear and determination and courage. Maybe she would be alright on her own after all. 12
“You can’t take him!” She wailed, tears streaming from her eyes again. 13
Thomas gently pried the small girl’s fingers from his arm and began to walk toward the men. There was nothing he could do, nothing he could say to ease her calm.14
“Don’t worry, Alyssa.” He called over his shoulder, “I will return.”15
One man escorted Thomas out of the room, while the other closed the door. All the girl could do was watch helplessly as the scene unfolded. She ran to her large deck which gave a clear view of the driveway of the large mansion she called home.16
There was a black car in front, and the girl hated it. The door was instantly open, Thomas being pushed inside. The door was closed, and the car sped off down the road.17
The little girl named Alyssa held the pendant in her small fingers, knowing Thomas would keep his word. He would come back.18
Author notes
I just love this story.
At first, Thomas was going to be a vampire. Creeper huh? Just a short little fling I had with the story, and then it became something more.
I'm not going to write in both perspectives like in 'Talented' because it will take FAR too much time. Anyways, I have a lot more chapters to come, but this is what I'm going to offer so far.
In a list
I love this story. Continue on to experience the 'how much you love it' ness... Yeah...
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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p3; ' “Why do you have to go, Tom?” She wailed her with her voice muffled in his shirt. ' I think the extra "her" was a typo.
The prologue doesn't give too much away - which is good, that's not what prologues are for, usually - but the way this was written, the way it ended, the mystery of it, leads me to believe that it has the potential to be very good. I can't wait to see who Tom is in the story and why he was pushed into the car at the end.
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Interesting. Who is the boy - and the girl for that matter? Hmmm ... Write more and I just might read on
You write well. Simply. I´m just going to say this because it was said to me. (And I have serious trouble following this advice by the way
) Crack down on the passive sentences, and include more active ones. In other words, less sentences using was or it´s variants.
But I like this, good work
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Alright I'll work on that, thanks!
There actually is more, and now I'm a little mad that it didn't post on the list. Oh well, I'll work on that and post the link for the first chapter in my AN's
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Wow, I really like this so far! It's so intriguing... What a great way to draw readers in. Fantastic.
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Aw, you actually make it seem like I have talent lol. Thanks!
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Nice job
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It's a good beginning, engaging and I am intrigued and will have to read more in the future. Good job here.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hmmmmmm i am hooked must read more
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