The River (LONG)

The river was silently accompanied by a young teen. She was all alone. It was late fall at the time. She was surrounded by fallen leaves in varying shades of reds, yellows, oranges, browns, and even some leaves that were still green. If she moved, she would have heard the sound of crinkling leaves. But she didn’t move; she stayed in one place. She sat about ten feet from the water’s edge. The was raging past the bank. It started farther up the hill. A bend was still in sight, but that was as far as she could see. She watched the bend intently; it was as if she was waiting for something. Up there, it was calm. Coming down the hill was a small waterfall. After that, the water sped up. By the time it reached the teen, it was rolling fast over the pebble covered bottom and bouncing around obstacles like rocks, or fallen trees. Floating leaves became pin balls in this small, but rushing river. It was barely fifteen feet across. Water was splashing off the rocks it hit; anything within five feet from the riverbank got wet. The air had a very clean scent of fresh water, but she did not smell it. She tried to breathe as little as possible. She was preparing herself.

She looked at her watch; it was half past ten. She had been sitting for forty-five minutes, and it was time to move. Slowly, she unfolded herself from the pretzel-like position. When she was standing, she finally heard the inevitable autumn sound of crunching leaves. Cautiously, she looked up at the top of the hill. A little closer than the bend, was a house. No one was there; and what she saw did not change her plans. She began to leisurely make her way to the water’s edge. When she got there, she inhaled deeply, and smelled the fresh water scent. She took a undecided step into the water, fully clothed. The water was as cold as ice. She froze in her place, one foot submerged, the other on land. The temperature of the water almost deterred her from her intentions. Almost, but not quite. She tensed up and brought her second foot into the water, flinching discreetly. Pausing a moment to get used to the cold, she continued. The water slammed against her legs, trying to force her back, but she pushed on. By the time the water was splashing around her bellybutton, up to her thighs were numb. Even if the water agreed to let her walk fast, her legs wouldn’t allow it. She stood for a moment, shivering in the cold water, waiting. She waited three minutes in the ice water until she heard it. Her witness.

“Marika! What are you doing? You know how cold that water is. Get out of there. You’ll catch pneumonia!” Marika’s brother, Carter, stood outside the house they shared with their mother and father. This was the house by the bend. It was a little rundown, and the pale yellow paint was chipping. The grass around it was lush, being well irrigated by the river.

She turned to look back at her brother. He looked about two inches tall. But she did not heed his call. She turned back around and dove under. Carter started to run down to where she went in.

When she first went under, she was hit by an icy blast. She floated around, just under the surface. She faced the bottom, so when she blew bubbles out, they tickled her cheeks. When she ran out of air to blow, she did not jump up, gasping for breath. She swam on, towards the middle of the river, where it was ten feet deep. The pain was searing through her chest, but she kept going. She had to make it to the middle. They’d have trouble finding her there. When she got to the deepest part, she stopped moving, and squeezed as much air out of her lungs as she could. She was hoping to sink quickly to the bottom, but it didn’t work.

Before her body was even a foot under, Carter pulled her out. Carter was treading water, trying to bring both himself and his sister back to shore. He was a tall youth, at six feet two inches, but he had to swim a good five and a half feet before he could even stand on his toes. That may not seem like much, but when swimming in waterlogged clothes, carrying an unconscious body in more waterlogged clothes, it takes awhile. When he finally got to the riverbank, he crawled out and laid Marika’s body face up on the ground. She didn’t move. He tilted her head back, looked and listened for breathing, but there was none. Carter started to perform CPR.

Within a few minutes, Marika was sitting up, coughing, trying to get air. Carter eased her up and walked her back to the house so he could call their parents at work and then drive her to the hospital. She knew what he was doing, but was too exhausted to object.

Marika and Carter both attended Dawn County High School. Marika was a freshman and Carter a senior. The county was quite small, and the longest students had to travel to reach the school was fifteen minutes, and that was way out in Satterville. The were seven towns in Dawn county. At the top was Satterville. Southwest of Satterville was Undile. East of there was Ikson, and farther east of there was Caldwell. In between, but south of, Undile and Ikson was Ikland. East of Ikland was Daker. Daker was where the school was. South of Daker was the last of Dawn County towns, Eden. That’s where Marika and Carter lived. Eden had a tourist attraction smack dab in the middle. A enormous garden was centered around a streamlet that later became the river by Marika and Carter’s house. Nature lovers acme from all over to visit this ‘religious’ place. It was even named the ‘Garden of Eden.’

Marika didn’t have any permanent damage from her little swim; just a bad cough and constantly cold. The doctors said she was lucky her brother pulled her out so fast. Carter brought her home, wrapped her up in tons of blankets on the couch, and brought her chicken noodle soup often. This is where she stayed for a couple days. Their parents couldn’t stay home from work with her, so Carter stayed home from school. He couldn’t just leave her alone. She had tried to drown herself in the river down the hill. If no one watched her, she might do it again. Carter couldn’t let that happen to his little sister. He didn’t think she realized how many people would be hurt if she died. He planned on bringing her to her to a psychiatrist as soon as she was better.

Marika and Carter were only out of school a week and a half when Carter thought Marika was well enough to visit the psychiatrist. Unfortunately, the nearest was up above Satterville. It was in Buxton, way up in Forge county. Buxton is a big city, and the psychiatrist’s office was at the top, the middle of the county. So Carter had to drive for forty-five minutes, listening to Marika complain that she shouldn’t be going to the shrink, that she was fine and didn’t have to.

When they arrived at the psychiatrist’s, Marika was in a very grumpy mood. By the time Dr Peters invited her in, she was very obstinate and not agreeable. She plopped down on the squishy couch in the small room. Marika folded her arms across her chest and glared at Carter as he went back into the waiting room. Dr Peters sat in a chair across from the grumpy girl.

“So,” she said, looking up from a file. “You went swimming in the river by your house and almost drowned? Is that it?”

“No,” Marika muttered.

“Well, then could you tell me what happened?”

“My plan failed.”

“What plan? Can you tell me about it?” Marika looked up, but said nothing. “Do you want to?” Marika shook her head. “Is there anything you would like to talk about?”

“How stupid this is and why I shouldn’t be here.”

“All right.” Dr Peters was used to this behavior.

“I mean, why am I here? So I tried to drown myself. I didn’t succeed. I’m not even hurt. So what’s the big deal?” Marika was getting fired up.

“Would you like to tell me about your plan now?” Marika shrugged.

“Sure, why not? First of all, I’m not supposed to here. I was supposed to die. So now I have to go through this shit because I lived. If I thought I’d live, I’d do it some other way. I would have shot myself or something. Something quick. But the river was nearby. It was handy. So I decided to use it.” She sat up, ready to tell a story.

“The water is ice cold. Literally. This was almost two weeks ago, October eighth. Carter was upstairs doing homework. I was downstairs watching TV. I had a lot of homework to do, but I just couldn’t do it. It was constant ever since school started and I needed a break. I was sitting there, complaining to no one about the homework load, when I looked out the window. The water was calm, but strong enough for a good current. I watched a leaf flow downstream and over the small waterfall. I started going into the faster water, then disappeared. I remember thinking, ‘if only I was that leaf.’ I went into this trance. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn’t really control it. I turned the TV off and went outside. I walked down the hill, sat down and waited.

“I was waiting for about forty-five minutes before I decided to just do it. I got a bit into the water, about waist deep, when Carter yelled from outside the house. He was taking a break when he noticed the TV was off. He came downstairs to check on me, see if I was napping or something. When he didn’t find me in the living room, he looked around for me. He walked by a window and just glanced out. When he looked more closely, he saw me going out into the river. He ran outside and yelled to me. I looked up at him, and was glad he finally showed up, but I continued with what I was doing. I just wanted him to watch.

“I remember diving into the water. I remember it was really cold, and it numbed my face instantly. It immediately knocked the air out of me, but I didn’t go back up. I had set out to do this and I was gonna finish. I paused for a moment, then I felt myself swimming forwards. It was like my limbs were disconnected. I swam to the middle of the river and let my body drop. But Carter had run down the hill while I was swimming. I guess I was swimming slower than I thought. He pulled me out and saved me. I didn’t say much the next couple days. I just ate and slept and watched TV. Then I came here.” Dr Peters was amazed by Marika’s transformation in only half an hour. Now she was open and animated; a complete change from the quiet, grumpy girl that came in.

“You’ve made wonderful progress today. I have no more appointments until five, so you have another hour if you would like to talk more. Or you and your brother can schedule another appointment and come back another time. Either way is fine.”

“Lemme ask Carter.” Marika stood and walked to the door. Peeking out, she saw Carter was reading a book in the empty waiting area. “Hey Bro!” He looked up sharply. She hadn’t been perky enough to call him ‘bro’ in a couple weeks.

“Yeah, Sis?”

“Can I stay for a bit longer, or are we scheduling another appointment?”

“You can stay if you want. I’ve got my book.” He only had a couple pages left, and he knew she’d intend to stay for awhile, but he wasn’t going to let her know that; it was obvious she’d made a lot of progress. Marika retreated behind the door with a nod and gently closed it. She walked back to the couch and sat down. But this time she didn’t slouch and cross her arms. She sat up straight and folded her legs under her. Dr Peters settled back into her seat.

“Now that you’ve told me the plan, and what happened, can you tell me why you devised it?” Dr Peters sensed she didn’t have to be as tricky asking questions as she did when Marika first came in.

“Well, I was tired of life. I wanted out. I wanted to be gone as much as possible. I figure that they might not find have found my body in the river. It might have gotten taken downstream and they’d never see it again. I also thought that if I died in an unnatural way, by suicide, my soul, my essence, might not live on either.”

“What about the waiting? Why did you wait?”

“I don’t know why.”

“You said you wanted him there. You wanted him to watch. What if you really wanted him there to stop you?” Marika thought about this.

“Maybe.”

“Did you have any doubts about drowning yourself?”

“Well, of course. I thought about what I would miss. What I’d never be able to do. But those weren’t as important.”

“Are you positive about that? What if you needed Carter there because you didn’t want to die. That you subconsciously wanted help. Is that a possibility?” Again, Marika thought.

“Maybe.” They were both quiet for a moment. Then Dr Peters broke the silence.

“Do you remember other suicide victims?”

“Well, yeah. There aren’t many around here, so everyone remembers them. Patty McGowan, two years ago. She hung herself. Butch Robertson, five years ago. He cut his wrists too deep. Clyde Anders, last year who shot himself five times. No one can figure out how he got five good shots at himself before collapsing.”

“If you remember these victims, do you not think that others would remember you?” Marika was silent. “Wouldn’t you be living on in a memory?” Marika nodded her head, contemplating the last question.

“I never thought of it that way.”

“Were any of the three you mentioned close to you?”

“Yeah, Patty. We were pretty good friends.”

“Do you remember how much it hurt when she passed away?”

“Mm-hmm. I wouldn’t talk or eat much for days. I was devastated.”

“Do you think others would be hurt if you died?” Marika was silent again. She blinked back tears in her eyes. “It’s all right to cry.” She erupted.

“I - I - never - I never - thought - of - thought of - I never - never - I never thought of that,” she choked in between sobs. “I can’t believe - I didn’t think of Carter - or Mom - or Dad.” Marika collapsed on the couch and cried for twenty minutes. Carter would hear her, and gripped the arm rests until his knuckles were white. His book was long done

A little while after Marika’s tears subsided, she emerged, eyes all red and puffy.

“Carter I’m so sorry!” Marika rushed to her brother and enveloped him in a hug.

“It’s all right honey. It’s gonna be ok.” Carter hugged his sister in return and rubbed her back. “Are you all done here?” Marika bit her lip and nodded. She said goodbye to Dr Peters while Carter paid. They were both silent on the way home.

When they got home, Carter went upstairs to his room, but not before he told Marika how happy he was that she was better. She nodded and curled up on the couch. Marika was absent-mindedly looking out the window when she noticed the river was calm. She slipped into another trance and went outside.

Marika heard the leaves crunching underfoot on the way to the river. When Marika arrived at the riverbank, the reflection of a healing teen looked back at her. Marika took her socks and shoes off and slipped into the water. Marika stepped in a few feet and sat down. She noticed how deep it was in the middle. How she couldn’t see the bottom. How cold she felt. ‘No,’ Marika thought. ‘No. Think of how Carter would feel. How hurt mom and dad would be. And how you’d be remembered.’

“Marika!” Carter had noticed who was in the river again. Marika stood up and walked back to the shore. Carter had rushed over and picked up her socks and shows. His other hand helped his sister up the muddly slope. “What were you doing?”

“Don’t worry Carter. I was saying goodbye only to the river.”