Feline fixation

I don’t remember it,when we bought the house; that they said that it ‘Comes with a free cat!’1

Well there we where getting stuck in, unloading the ‘U haul’ and placing our stuff in the new house. When seemingly out of nowhere; there sat on the breakfast bar overseeing the proceedings is a large smug faced cat!2

“Oh darling where did you come from?” and promptly putting her end down leaving me struggling with the heavy end, half in through the kitchen door. Mandy goes over to the cat, which is quick to rise and endear it’s self to her. Rubbing its head up against her pushing its body into her as she stroked it and as it did it was emitting a loud resounding purr that I could hear from the door.3

“You’re a friendly one aren’t you? Look Nigel isn’t he friendly….”4

“Yes, yes they’re all friendly when they want something! Any chance you can leave that thing and grab the bottom of this so we can actually get moved in today!”5

“Take no notice of him puss he’s tired and he’s always a grouch when he’s tired” Mandy cooed to the cat as she broke away to resume unloading.6

That was my first encounter with ‘Sinned bad.’ No, no that is the correct spelling I assure you;my wife may call him Sinbad, but I christened him 'Sinned bad'; on account that it is the cleanest name that I have for him amongst many others that I use in our tenuous relationship.7

If this cat had come in box, it would have had a marital health warning on the side that would read something like this.8

‘Disclaimer: This animal comes with a mandate to divide and conquer. Treat with caution. Ignore this advice at your peril!’9

Moved in and settling in nicely, we met the neighbours and many of the local personalities. Not one of them, when asked knew of the smokey grey cat; the one with an almost lilac tinge to his thick furred coat. Those, who had seen it, thought we had brought him with us.10

So he became to be known to the locals as Nigel and Mandy's, the new peoples cat!11

You know how things kind of just happen and go bye without you noticing? Well one day I was doing the shopping while Mandy was having her hair done. I was going down the grocery list ticking off the items, when I got to cat food. Now I know Mandy had taken to this cat that had adopted us and she fed it the odd scraps and what not. I hadn’t realised that we were actually buying for it. Right here on the list it stated:12

‘Cat food; Friskies rabbit flavour only. Not any other cheap brand!!!’13

Not any other cheap brand! Have you seen the price of brand name cat food? Mandy may have been able to prophesise that I would buy the cheapest and you know what? It didn’t make a difference; that cat could eat bargain line or go else where for gourmet dinners of rabbit, turkey or salmon.14

Well, when Mandy found out that I had come back with cheap cat food! It was the first time we fell out over that devious fur ball. 15

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The most striking feature of ‘Sinned bad’ for me was his eyes; big blue wide eyes that seemed all the more intense and watchful because they were high lighted by a dark almost kohl eye liner effect on his bottom eye lid. This cat also had the most disconcerting stare.17

One day i was in the study and I could feel his eyes boring into me; I was happily reading the Sunday paper, comfy in my chair and then there he was sat in front of me purring away, the sound vibrating into my skull and his incessant stare!18

The only place I could escape him was in the toilet. Only that got me a flea in the ear from Mandy.19

“Nigel! Its not hygienic or good manners, to read the newspaper in the loo; other people have to handle it after you!” 20

“What the loo or the paper? And hygiene, hygiene! That bloody cat spreads more germs around the place look at the way it walks over the food counter and sits licking its balls on the front room mat. Don’t give me hygiene!”21

“Nigel, Sinbad is a cat and cats don’t sit in toilets reading newspapers. Cats don’t do hygiene as we humans do and I would lay good money that cat has better manners than you. I swear you don’t like that cat.”22

“I, don’t.”23

“Well learn to live with it. It’s staying!” and off she went molly coddling the over grown rat. 24

‘Cats! I never liked them, never will. Creepy, sly and cruel things they are. Fit for witches and spinsters. Now there’s a thing; Mandy a witch? Well she seemed to be able to second guess you didn’t she? That's like witch craft isn't it? That’s because you’re so easy to read and anyway she’s known you a long time. It’s only a cat and it’s not going to get the better of me!’25

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It’s the little things that happen over a time. It’s the little things that add up! Like; when you’re gardening and you haven’t got your gloves on. What do you dig up and put your hand in; cat shit. You get in the car and start off; it’s then as you drive into the sun you notice the footprints over your windshield as you struggle to see out. Or when you’re driving your Mother out for lunch and she asks you to put the heater on; out comes, eau d tomcat that damn near stifles you in that small confined space and your Mother is gagging into her handkerchief! Yes I can hear you giggling as you read this but I tell you getting up in the morning half asleep and stepping into damp slippers is not a laughing matter.27

“Oh Nigel, stop making mountains out of molehills will you. These things happen from time to time.”28

“Yes, they happen; but only to me. Never is it any of your stuff that gets shredded or broken. Yes talking of broken who was it; that broke my Beswick Toby Jug! Who was it who clawed the carpet by the front door? Go on call me hypersensitive again. It all costs money to replace!”29

“Nigel, you’re only jealous because he doesn’t like you. He can feel you’re negativity. Cats are sensitive creatures you want to try and calm down a bit.”30

“Sensitive. I’ll give him sensitive he can feel the negativity of my boot up his butt! That’s what he can feel.”31

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Now I’ve never been a person who has been cruel to animals or caused them any un-necessary suffering; but I was starting to think it was time I started to play a bit dirty with ‘Sinned bad.’ I was thinking how nice it would be if one of the neighbours came across one evening and told us how sorry they were that their dog had killed our cat. Or the surprise I could get driving down our block and seeing there pancake flat, that smokey grey feline spread to the four winds! Ah yes the stuff of dreams.33

In reality,I must say that antifreeze is looking favourite; right now. And when I get out of this hospital bed I’m going to make sure that cat gets a good dose of it. Because how was I to know as I hosed that sleeping bundle of fluff and joy I found uder a bush. And I kept hosing it as it ran into the street right past the lamp post. The one with the cover hanging off it!34

Umpteen thousand volts running up your arm is enough to brighten up anybodies day; let me assure you.35

So when I get out of here ‘Sinned bad’ the gloves are off!36