Dear Meyer the Vampire Slayer...

I can say once upon a time, when I was innocent of mind and so easily swept up by the talk of the latest read, that I the faithful reader of many a fabulous book such as classics like Austen or Shakespeare, to the marvel of Harry Potter, did land up with your books in my hand.1

End of Innocence.2

What. The. Hell? 3

All I can think as I open the pages of the fated book with a thirty metre long set of tongs, wearing full body protection and sappyness repellent, are these three words. What would begin to describe the mush that your mind was going through when you ever thought to turn a creature of the darkness into an item to kiss and hold like.... well in this case no better than a huggable block of ice that I'm surprised Bella doesn't stick too and need a hairdryer to melt herself free..... 4

Has no-one near you Meyer ever heard of sticking your tongue to a frozen pole? What greater satisfaction can one have about kissing a vampire, when no-one seems to like the idea of sticking their tongue to that poor frozen pole? Same effect really.....5

But since I'm on the topic of our 'favourite' frozen pole buddy Edward.... May I ask why he sparkles? What happened? You dropped a box of glitter on the keyboard, it stuck to your fingers and you just ran with the idea?6

Vampires are supposed to die in the sun... you know burn up even worse than us humans with pale skin... (No-one dare say like a vampire!!) No.... not this time.... they glitter like ... diamonds? Wow bag one of them and your set for life... every time a bill comes up you just cut off an ear and the bill is paid.7

Also... whatever happened to being able to change into a bat? Oh don't get me wrong Meyer, I think you were trying to be funny and clever when you put in the baseball scene... because of the baseball 'bat' HAHA you got me! *wipes away fake tear* 8

Seriously... where's my bat? That's what I loved about vampires... they sneak into anywhere as a seemingly harmless little creature, before pouncing on you and ripping you to shreds with their sharp teeth, draining every drop of blood from your body.9

What happened? Why did you have to make the population go gooey over such a ridiculous thing for a vampire? He has no fangs, he growls like a kitten's great grandmother, he can't turn into a bat, and he looks like a showgirl in Vegas gone wrong on a sunny day.... and he's an undead walking marble pole that seems to have some hidden girl magnet inside it. I'm seriously considering dropping every fan into the Arctic and telling them to go hug a giant ice pole.... and then tell them that's what they are hugging every night.10

Sucessfully Meyer, you have killed the good old vampire, where they were creatures of darkness to be feared... not walking disco balls in the sunlight.11

Seriously... I don't think in the old days they would have been screaming, "It's Dracula, the shiny huggy vampire! We should hug him!"12

What always get me the most about your vampires Meyer, is the fact that you have turned yours into... dare I say, vegetarians? What was it, tofu and soy milk diet? 13

Oh yeah... if I tried telling that one to Animal Right's activists or No-Meat Vegans as I chomped down into an animals neck I'm sure that would really work. I'm surprised you havn't been mobbed already yet.14

A vampire drinking human blood was the main thing that people feared about these great mythical creatures. Sucessfully Meyer you have murdered these already undead creatures...15

So I dub you Meyer the Vampire Slayer. The Murderer of the Good old vampires.16

Tell you what. Look up the Anime Hellsing and see what a real Vampire should be. Good old Alucard.... yes I noticed it's Dracula backwards... this person was clever when they wrote about true vampires!! Not glittery disco balls that girls want to huggle to at night.17

Then we come down to the good old Twilight movie. With such a big budget, and so much riding on this movie, why did they have to get the guy who off the camera looks like some demented druggie? Yep, that's sure bringing in a whole bunch of problems for our obsessed fans in the future. They love Edward, so therefore they love Rob Patterson, so therefore they all end up looking like druggies. Yes I can do my Mathematics well, but it don't take a rocket scientist to work it out. Well done Meyer! Your turning the world into an obsessive, druggie loaded place... I applaud you (NOT)18

At the risk of going on and on... let me not even start on Bella... 19

YOU DESTROYED WOMANS POWER MEYER! WHY DID SUCH A CLUTZY SPINELESS CHILD GET ALL THE GUYS?! WHAT SORT OF ERA DID YOU GROW UP IN?!20

Ugh.21

Plus the beginning of the formation of what is supposed to be a beautiful relationship should NOT start with a "Your like my brand of heroin..." If any guy referred to me as his favourite drugs, I can tell you now he'd have the best red hand print on his face that he would never have to bother wearing a costume for Halloween again to scare little kids....22

I could bring up to dear little Bella that Edward is in her room every night.... personal space much? I was half expecting him to follow her into the bathroom all the time... Gees doesn't he have a life? (yes i know he's an undead, shush!) Plus he's obsessive... clingy.... though I remember that I mentioned earlier he was a walking ice statue so maybe Bella did stick to him involuntarily....23

What gets me most is how suicidal they are over each other. Your teaching the world Meyer that if a girls first love doesn't work and she feels heartbroken, then they should basically just jump off a cliff. Wrongness much? I was under the impression that Edward was supposed to be full of morals.... which count for himself instead of turning himself into a piece of frozen meat to hack away..... though with all that glitter and diamond on his skin it wouldn't be pleasant.....24

Meyer.... you destroyed the vampire, you made your main character a spineless wuss, your tormenting the world with this.... I would bare my fangs if you hadn't erased them when you started to chip away at a proper vampire in your thoughts.25

Maybe I'll just go eat some tofu and soy milk...26

Signed Me.... The True Vampire Lover who is waiting in the sidelines with a hammer to smash Mr Ice Sculpture and Walking Disco Ball....27