A Note Of Apology

A note for a bat bear,1

I've been an idiot. You know it; I know it. And I know that my actions have pushed you far enough to snap.2

It certainly wasn't my intention, and there really is no excuse. But, I hope to God that there is a way to salvage this forsaken bridge I've tried burning.3

Bear, we both know that I have a tendency to second-guess myself, and downplay my own abilities. We also know the rocky terrain I've been trying hard not to stumble on. I guess this entire month has demanded its toll of me, and a lot of occasions have increased how much I doubt myself.4

Whether I am trustworthy or not-- as seen from this side-- it still makes me feel privileged to know you trusted me. And it makes me feel absolutely terrible, not to mention terrified, of the meaning of your words. This whole time, I have tried to stay away only to end up closer, and gained a trust I really wasn't sure I had. This whole time, I felt as if those of my friends conscious of the situation don't want to lean on me-- when I was the one pushing them away.5

And it terrifies me to think that this bridge is gone. It terrifies me like nothing else, because if this connection is lost, then what connections will follow?6

Bear, I love you. You are such an awesome friend. You are someone I can rely on. The question is can you still rely on, still trust me? Regardless of my own views on the subject?7

I can try to change that, Bear. I don't know how, nor what it will take, but please, Bear, have faith that I will. If you won't trust me any longer, then at least have faith. They aren't the same thing, are they? For my sake, I sure hope not. 8

And if you really don't trust in me anymore, that's fine. I'll get over it. I don't want it to get that far though. Not at all. 9

Because today, Bear, I did my best to give you your space. I left the Creeper Corner to you, so as to allow you to be free of our disagreement. I was walking behind you down the hallway to the Pep Assembly, and thought about saying something, and maybe should have. But I didn't because I believed that you needed your space. Bear, it hurt so badly not to be able to talk to you, to see you. It hurt even worse when I saw you and Shadow after school waiting for the parade as I walked home. I wanted you to so badly raise your hands and send me a heart, but it didn't happen. That was the epitome of my pain....10

I don't want to lose this friendship.11

Grrg.