In every world there is has been magic. Some are so small you could hardly notice but others were so large it could not be unnoticed. In the world of Grosvenor the magic was of the children of the fallen star Hither. The star hither had fallen when the planet Grosvenor was only beginning to have human existence and so she blessed it with her life. 1
Many had heard of the circle which exists of the elements which are air, water, earth, fire and spirit. So the star hither made her children from it. She made twenty children to be blessed by her from the elements. Four for every element there was. In earth there was the child who controlled everything and then there was three which controlled only parts of it such as in earth there was magma, rocks and nature. Then there was water and then snow, water and clouds. There was air and then wind, storms and clouds. Then there was fire and then lightening, magma and flame. There was spirit and there is death, life and afterlife. Yet Hither decided that the five that controlled all would get mislaid by more power and she then decided that her children once there life has died and they shall be reborn and everything they would have the next power such as the leader of water next turn would be wind and so forth every time they died and were reborn. Then Hither decided that she wanted to give thanks to the darkness of the sky which had been her father and the light of every star which had been her mother and made two children which controlled darkness and light that had more power over the other elements. She then decided with her last breath that her last child would be made after her and would control over everything and every one of her children. Hither then embraced her children all twenty three of them twelve girls and eleven boys before she closed her life to Grosvenor. 2
As time went on hither children had kept peace within themselves and the world. If a war broke out hither children would soon stop it before it killed too much of Grosvenor of which laid Hither. Yet for some unknown reason mutiny came up within the star of hither children. Hither image was killed and so as the balance of hither magic was off all the others died in turn one after the other. Yet it was enough for the biggest war to start up and the world went into destruction and peace was lost. And hither children could not remember anything of their past lives and could not find each other and was endanger of being captured by the Looters who served the council of ten who know ruled the world. Some of her children were mislead and they helped the council of ten to control the world but there was few and the council of ten knew that if they did not find and captured the star of hither then they could be destroyed even if it was unlikely. 3
Author notes
Okay it is probably c.r.a.p and you hate it but I wanted to see if its just me. Because i wonder if i can be bothered sometimes lol. i joke. please comment even if its brief.
REALLY DO YOU LIKE IT OR SHOULD I JUST GIVE UP AND JUST READ STORIES FOR KNOW ON?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This is a very good beginning to what could be an exceptional story in the making! It is very creative; I know I've never heard of anything like it before. I like the name Hither, and Grosvenor! It was really very good! Never second guess yourself. If you like it, there's no reason to give up.
If you enjoy writing, then by all means, write! Don't give in to what others say, or what you tell yourself. If you enjoy something, you should do it!
I really enjoyed it, and I look forward to reading the upcoming chapters (should there be any, and I hope there are!)
You are a very talented writer, and never give up if its something you love.
INK
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This is a very well written prologue. I think you could go a long way with this story. It has so much potential! Keep at it!
Victoria
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You should definetlyy keep writing, because this story is very well writen. I like you idea of having a star as a mother and I think you should carry on with this story if you want, it has the potential to be very fantasic.
Louise
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'hither' should be capitaled
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It's a concept
I like that idea of the "other-worlds," especially the retelling of creationism, but I am a little confused about the star and birth and stuff. Also, there needs to be a protagonist, a main character that I want to win over the enemy. There is a clear enemy, but a very vague "good" side. I think if you developed an actual plot and story line it would be interesting to read. Good start. Just needs to be developed. -
I really love your idea for the story; i like the fact that each of her children can control different elements. I've always been fascinated by that type of stuff
KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!
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If you like to write, go for it. Everyone starts somewhere. Some people are naturally better with words than others. You might have to work a little harder at it, but I believe if you keep practicing, you can be really good. This work wasn't your best; the punctuation and spelling need work. Have someone proofread it for you.
language: 1, plot: 3, characters: 2.
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oh... and don't give up... on this story or any other.... but if you really want to be a writer, you might want to hit the english (writing) books a little more... maybe get some tutoring from an english teacher or set up lessons or something... Honestly, even at 15 you should be beyond a lot of these basic errors. But don't give up... just work harder.
language: 1.
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sorry, but this really begs the question: "is english not your first language?"
You could save yourself alot of time by trying to read through this at least once before you post it... allowing people to read the actual story, instead of just stumbling through the erroneously constructed sentences... I realize that you're only 15 and so one cant expect you to be a fully fleshed out, perfectly styled author, but 15 is definitely old enough to have a basic and correct understanding of sentence structure.
Lets take your very first sentence:
In every world there is has been magic
should be either
"...world there is magic"
or
"...world there has been magic"
though this one is probably just a typo.
but then in the next sentence
"Some are so small you could hardly notice but others were so large it could not be unnoticed."
first of all... "some" is wrong because as a pronoun, it should agree with "magic" magic is singular, but some is plural... so they do not agree... and "unnoticed" is awkward because something can "go" unnoticed, but not "be unnoticed"
these opening mistakes are just the tip of the iceberg.
You've got misplaced modifiers,ambiguous pronouns, and sentence fragments all over the place.
I would love to give you a comment based on the merits of plot and story, as it seems you've got a brilliant imagination, but as this story currently is written, it's simply to difficult to make sense of the whole thing to be able to judge fairly.
Read through it, edit it, Read through it again, edit it again, repeat once more, give it to someone else to edit, and then read through it yet again.
language: 1.
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Confusing but nice, keep working on it
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Your concept is very interesting and I would really like to read more of your stories.
However I think you should work on structuring your story properly so that it flows easily, and doesn't confuse the reader. Remember, this is story-telling in its purest form, so you have to make sure the reader follows you properly.
Good luck! -
That was kind of confusing, but I don't think you should give up on writing. I advise you to listen to others' suggestions, and just work at it. With a bit of help, this could be great! Really, I'm not kidding. It's a very good idea, but the writing's just a bit sloppy and unfocused. Anyway, good work.
-ELF (Ellie) -
First paragraph; the second sentence shouldn't start with some because that sounds like it refers to the world, not the magic because worlds was plural and magic is singular. That got me confused a bit at first.
Might want to clean up the description of the elements a bit, was a tad wordy. And the star caused life to start; that's interesting, but I think it needs a lot more explanation.. oh, and capitalize Hither, that bugged me when it went to lowercase. How does cycling out the leaders of the elements to the next one (sort of like Avatar) stop them from getting to misguided by their power? Wouldn't not giving them power do that better, or something to that effect?
Obviously your grammar is off, so that robs the plot; I think this could work, but you'd have to build up a lot, explain why things happened, and vary up sentence length, beginnings of sentences, and all that sort of thing.
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good
its gd a tiny bit confusing bu gd lol
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