I was out late last night, with Damion. It was fun, as always, we just talked. For hours on end. Smiling at each other..his damned smile... His teeth are not perfect but I swear when he smiles at me everything drifts away. We are dating and something has been bugging me. Whether or not I should tell him about my cutting, I mean damn if he is smart he will notice eventually right? Meh I doubt it, no one else has.1
It was cold and dark...but his eyes lit up the world for me. How corny is that?! Oh well I don't care. I don't know anymore...everything is so fucked. I mean really...2
School today seemed so out of wack. I was tired as usual... slept in as usual... I keep saying I'll go to bed earlier...and that I'll get up earlier...but who am I kidding? Here I am again up late. Damion got the rest of his money for that job... He pretended almost as though I didn't exist when my father was around us. It pissed me off. He should have hugged me when he saw me...he should have been holding my hand. He should have been there to back me up. But he wasn't, as usual. I just don't get him.3
So anyways...school right. First period French, that gay little fuck teacher..everything is a blur. My memory is shit, too many fuck ups too little sleep. second was English..with Lepp..he's a kool guy.. bu tI think he can go fuck himself, just like I think about all of my other teachers. I hate them all and I cannot take their ball. IO mean I know that they aren't that bad, and I know that I tend to overreact but really. Why can't they just back the fuck off? They are worse than my dad. I already got my homework warning, if I get another I am in shit. My dad will take my Internet and Ill be just fucked, forced to study and/or actually DO my homework. all year I have been maneuvering around it, oh well. I suppose Will have to make due.4
My next, two periods of math, my teacher bitched all the way. Fucker. He can die too. Slowly and painfully. Fuck him. then lunch...those damned little kids swarming us in the milk room. I hate them and I hate that effin' job. I JUST HATE IT!!! well I suppose I need it if I don't want my dad to yell... I know in the end I'll just get hurt. Either by him or I'll ruin myself. I'm so tired I'm killing myself slowly with all of the shit I put my mind and body through..oh well.5
After lunch reading buddies.. I just read my book and pretended I gave a fuck what that little brat did. I like little kids I do...just not these ones...6
Then music. I can't play the clarinet worth shit. I hate it, I hat it all. Why can't I do anything right!?!?!7
So break then...what was next? oh yeah... that Science test. Oh dear... I hated that thing with a passion. I just hated it. I did well I know I did.But I wish I didn't I wish I could fail it then bring it to my father with a grin on my face. Heh Rebel. He would be pissed. I would be laughing...until he tore me away from Damion...8
so I went home, home sucked Damion was suppose to come see me. He didn't. I pretended to be happy and it was all okay, as usual. Heather came, Julie came, we hung, it was lame. But I smiled and we go my cat and everything was kool.9
I got in shit last night for having anyone in the house when my dad wasn't here.... oh well I don't really give a rat's ass.10
And through all of this I was 'happy' I smiled and laughed and giggled and blushed. I was fine... but Damion was the only one who saw the sadness in my eyes.11
we were walking up the steps and for half a second my smile faded as I was about to take a calming breath. This mask was heavy...12
He looked at me and he knew something was wrong, I could see it in his eyes. He'd broken my lock and chain... now he's inside and I'm fucked. Or so I believe. Maybe I'm just to scared of him hurting me to understand he wants to be there of rme. Or maybe this is all i my fucking head.13
It's late again, so much for my 'Get more sleep' plan.14
Bye.15
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Comments
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everything just sounds terrible!! is everything okay! i mean u just sound so sad and that life is just ****...is it really??
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very good
lol hes just stupid. lol sorry cassie. u kno either way i want to protect u from him. i dont want u to cut. and i wish u could eb happy with ur body and all of that shit. lol school sucks but we r all genuises. come on cassie. i have faith in u. u can do all the work u can get it. and what bout me. i see ur sadness and u shrug it off telling me to bug off. i see it. im not a dumb ass. u need ot talk to me bout this shit. k next poem. great write!!!
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