''Once upon a time there was a kingdom. And in that kingdom a king and queen lived...''1
All the fairy tales were starting the same. Once upon a time. Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She would go to sleep at night, followed by her mother; she would lie down next to her and hug her. For a long time the little girl thought that they would sleep together until the morning, but later she learned that her mother would get up soon after she would fall asleep. But that was okay. She would fall in dreams being held in that warm embrace, listening to the hart beating steadily. 2
Once upon a time there was a family. They all lived in the sunny home, in a quiet little neighbourhood. The sounds of laugh and life would seep through the open windows during the spring and the summer.3
Every fairy tale has its dragon, or an evil witch. That's the way the fairy tales work. And in those fairy tales witches are casting spells upon princesses, and upon entire kingdoms. But there is always a prince riding a big white horse to save the princess, and to save the kingdom. 4
Once upon a time, there was a witch. She cast a spell. The queen lost her king, left alone. But she still had her princess. She gave her everything, her life, her soul and her heart. The princess loved her mother, but she never knew that an angel came down from heaven to be with her. Her mother would hold her in her arms, and all the problems would melt in that soft, gentle hug. Her smell imprinted in her memory, that dear smell that had the power to console, to relieve even the greatest of pains. 5
Once upon a time, there was a girl. Her mother had grays in her hair, and dark circles around her eyes. They still lived in the small home often filled with sunlight. Her mother didn't put her to sleep anymore. The girl was watching over her mother's dreams now. She would listen to her breathing deep into the night. Her heart was getting tired, and the girl knew it. 6
Once upon a time it was morning. Snow covered the world, softening its edges. The girl stood quietly, her eyes downcast. She held flowers. Soon, she will leave them there, and then she would go home. She would go to her home that would never be warm ever again. But before she left, there was something that had to be said. Something she didn't think of when it counted the most. Because at that time she could only call her mother to come back, hurting her even more because they both knew that it was the one call her mother wouldn't be able to answer to. 7
Once upon a time, there was a kingdom. And in that kingdom a queen lived with her princess. Once upon a time, there was a witch, and there was a dragon. But there was no prince riding a big white horse to kill the dragon, and lift the curse. 8
''I love you, mommy.'' She whispered, and put the flowers down on the cold marble of the grave slowly. 9
One last look, one last kiss, soft lips against the cold stone, and she went to her cold, dark home. 10
A contest entry
- Real Life. by iCats.
350 points, ended October 7, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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omg this was so sad. i loved it all the same. good job
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Thanks, it means a lot to me.
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Awww, thats really sad!! poor little girl!
Great story by the way!!!
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks for the nice comment, and for the clappies.
And trust me, it is sad, but show does go on.
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The randomness was intriguing and delightful. Can't really say the same about the actual story, depressing and an enjoyable mix between darkness and hopeful fairy tail. I liked it.
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It was a depressing, yet delightful little story that I very much enjoyed. You didn't overwhelm this piece with emotions, imagery or description, which made it all the more interesting. There were some spelling issues, but it looks like other people have already pointed them out.
Great stuff.
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Thank you for the nice comment. I always seem to miss some spelling mistakes, I'm going to kill myself, hmpf. It's so embaressing, I do use spell check.
Thank you for the cllepies too
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Lol
That was one of the most random stories I have ever read. But... I liked it. It made me laugh.
=) Yay!dialog: 4.
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I'm happy you liked it
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This is a very well written piece. This is easily the best story I've read today. It's a bit depressing, admittedly, so I'll need to read something chipper to perk up again. But, it was good.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
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Thank you for the nice words. And for the clappie
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it was heart felt
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Thank you
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A very thoughtful story! It reminded me of so many bittersweet moments, so really good job. The little addition of the fairy tale adds that special touch of the fine line between fantasy and reality.( And how much one can wish that their life was a fariy tale for that "Happily ever After" but then... reality comes crashing down). Overall nice story!
Sorry for a little rambling though.
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Life is made of those bittersweet moments.
When someone's gone, and you remember all the good times, they are not just sweet, there is a little touch of bitterness in it.
Thank you for the comment.
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good story!
this was a very good story i liked it ? -
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Thank you, I'm happy you liked it. I really am
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this story needs a lot of work
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Thank you for the clappie. What should I do to improve it?
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This is beautiful, and sad, and just epic good. Seriously. You've done very well with this. I'm bookmarking it so I can read it again later.
Well said.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you so much. You made me happy with your comment, because this story means a lot to me.
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everythings been said i think. it really is beautiful.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Sweetly affecting
First, let me say this is a very fine, bittersweet story. It is a memorial any mother would be proud to have.
Para 2 - hart should be heart
Para 3 - sounds of laughter and life.
Doesn't Ljubica come from the word for love? You write about love very well. Thanks for a touching story.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thank you for the kind comment and clappies
My name originaly means 'to be kissed', someone that likes to be cuddled and kissed. In Russia it's similar to 'love', but in my, Serbian language, it originates from 'ljubiti' - or to kiss.
I'm glad that you think I can write about love. I don't know about other kinds of it (maybe you should read my other story 'Never kissed') but I do know what my mother gave me, and how I feel about her. I miss her every single day, it's been four and a half years, and still it hurts as deep as ever. She deserves much more than a story, or a poem, but this is all I can give her. That, and a promise of not ever being forgotten.
Once again, thank you!
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touching
A very touching story. I loved reading this real life story written how the old fairy tales were written. I thought it was a very creative idea that added a lot to the story.
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Thank you so much, I'm happy that you liked it
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Hey.
Firstly thanks for entering.
I really loved this piece. Comparing life to a fairy tale, making it almost innocent but at the same time more heart renching to read. I loved the detail and the description, you wrote this perfectly. It had great flow, it was really poetic.
Thanks once against for entering.
Love always
Staci
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This story means a lot to me, so thank you very, very much for the kind words. And for the clappies
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Hey, here's some comments:
P1: You can take out the 'a' before 'queen.'
P2: There's an awkward phrasing in the second sentence here. Try something like "She would go to sleep at night, followed by her mother; she would lie down next to her and hug her.' 'Hug her' also sounds better than 'embrace tightly.' Why use million dollar words when one hundred dollar words will work fine?
P2: I would say make the third sentence into two separate ones.
P2: You can eliminate 'it was okay' at the start of the last sentence. You just said that before the period.
P2: You can better phrase the last sentence, something like this: "...because she would fall in the dreams held in that warm hug, listening to (whose?) heart beat.' You don't need 'steadily.' The reader will assume that it would beat 'steadily', as you haven't presented any medical conditions that would change that fact.
Between P2 and P3: There's no transition here. It goes from the girl to a fairytale. Provide some sort of transition, even if it is just an asterisk (*).
P3: You don't need 'sunny.' If you describe a house as sunny, readers will assume it always is.
P3: Replace 'all kinds of sounds' with 'the sounds of laugh and life', and then delete 'the sounds of laugh and life' at the end of the paragraph.
P4: 'fairy tail' to 'fairytale'
P4: Saying 'villain' instead of 'its dragon, or an evil witch' would flow much better.
P4: '...upon princesses AND entire kingdoms...'
P4: '...to save the princess AND kingdom...'
P5: '...she CAST a spell...'
P5: '...never KNEW...'
P5: I'm not sure 'slake' is the best word choice. How about 'comfort' or 'relieve'?
P6: '...her eyes DOWNCAST...' would sound better.
P6: 'She held flowers in her hands.' Where else would she hold them? I suggest taking out 'in her hands.'
P6: '...leave THEM there...'
P6: '...empty, dark, cold home...' I write by a good saying. "If you use more than one adjective or adverb to modify a noun, you haven't found the right one!" You don't need 'cold', you even say 'it will never be warm in there ever again' as the next sentence. This says 'cold' for you without saying 'cold.' You can safely take out 'dark' as well.
And that is all I have for you.
I have to say that this was a fine job. It didn't turn out as I expected it to. There was a nice flow to the work that is difficult to create and almost impossible to master.
Good job.
Cubby
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 3.
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You are a gift from heaven, you really are. Thank you so much. This story was hard for me to translate, it sounds way better in my language, where all those stuff I took out have some meaning. I never thought I would translate it, I didn't wont to, it was hard and I didn't even know how to. But when I saw this contest, I decided to put it, just like that. I'm not sure that it was a good idea though, it doesn't even have enough words to begin with. But it means a lot to me, because it is true.
I'm happy that you like it, even there were so many mistakes (honestly, I thought that there will be more, so I am really happy with myself right now). Thank you for the clappies too, you're so kind (as I have said so many times before).
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