Everybody says nobody is perfect, but it seems like I once knew a perfect girl. This girl was a top notch student in school. Teachers looked at her with admiration and gave her looks of pride as she walked down the halls. She was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. She had a full curly head of blond silk, eyes as blue as the sky, and skin as clear as could be. Everybody was jealoius of her breathtaking looks, everybody wished they could be her. She was very nice. This girl had all of the compassion in the world, she treated every single person as if they were her own family. The best thing about her was her happiness. She was just a pot full of joy. Every second of the day you would see her beautiful smile with dimples. But all of that is gone and nobody knows what happened. One day so perfect, the next day not. Her grades took a fast roll down a slippery hill. Every look of admiration and pride any teacher had given her was gone. She sulks down the halls a failure to the school. That beauty was still there, but hidden by tangled hair and bloodshot blue eyes. Nobody wanted to be her anymore, and nobody was jealous. You could still say she isnt mean, but you cant say she is nice. She has just lost all of the care in the world and who knows where it went. That pot of happiness is nowhere to be seen. That beautiful smile of dimples has been turned around to a sorrowful frown of sadness. So how can you not help asking yourself what happened? Can you imagine the questions and thoughts running through peoples heads? She was just this perfect girl who had everything in the world, and the next day she was full of sorrow and lost everything. Even I dont know what happened, and that girl is me. Have you ever heard that term when life gives you lemons make lemonade? Well this is how my life now works, when life gives you lemons someone will take them away and squeeze them in your eyes or take the oppurtunity from your hands. You cant even imagine what it is like walking down the halls getting looks of pity. There is not one person who feels sorry for me, one person who wants to help me, but doesnt know how. I know deep down inside I need help, but I dont know how to get it and I dont even know if I want it. I just wish somebody would be brave like a knight with shining armor, and come rescue me on their horse. I just want my old life back, I just want to know who I am, or why I am the way I am. I hate not understanding my life, not knowing the real me. I want to say the real me is a smart, beautiful, nice, and happy girl. But that was the old me, and that me is gone, replaced with a failure. I know everybody would tell me I am not a failure, but I know I am and they do to. So why do I have to be me? Why wont anyone explain why this happended to me? Why do I have to take the hallway of life confused? I dont know if I will ever know the answers, or if I will ever have the old me back, but for now I know I hate life and dont want to be a part of life. Sometimes I just want to fall in a hole and die, I want a way out of life. But then again, is that really what I want? So that just leaves me hanging off the side of a cliff confused on what will happen next in this thing called my life.
What do you thing of the story? What do you think I should do to improve it? Do you feel the pain of the author? What do you think of the author?
Comments
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Nice feeling
Rosy, again, you need to learn how to use paragraphs. I can help you with that.
I love the story. I do feel your pain and I think you are lost in it. I think writing might help you find your way back to "you" again.
This is again a narrative, but third person. You talk about yourself as her, she that girl. This is effective, and I like it.
A story needs several things, and we can work on that later.
You have one really outstanding line in this piece!
"when life gives you lemons someone will take them away and squeeze them in your eyes"
It is good you can take your feelings and put them on paper. It helps you to see them that way. I know you feel that way because of the power of that line. I think you will grow into a good writer if you work at it.
Again, this is not a 'story' in the strict sense of the word. But we can show you how to write one!
beginning: 4, language: 2, ending: 4, characters: 3.
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Good description of desperation
Paragraphs would help. Everytime you come to a new idea, use a new paragraph. It will also help the flow. There is a bit of repitition of the "nobody knows what happened." Maybe you could employ some speculation, "Was it drugs?" and tell why or why not. "Was it a distraction caused by family problems?" and so on. The switch from 3rd person to 1st person is interesting and deserves a paragraph if nothing else does. It has a well crafted sense of spiraling downward. Good luck and I hope this is a work of complete fiction.
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