For the Tears of Lori Jones

My Childhood1

WHEN DOES IT ALL CHANGE? WHEN DOES IT HAPPEN WHEN A CHILD REALIZES THAT THEIR WORLD changed? When does a child lose their innocence? When does it happen? Does it happen after your Papa sleeps with you and you haven’t turned 12 yet? 2

When my mother died three months ago Papa started sneaking into my bed night after night and Papa acted at if this was all normal, all ok. Before he does it to me he always remembers to always say ‘you are my special little girl.’ My brother was first and I didn’t know it. Papa started with him when he was younger about eight years old, he is now going to be 15. My brother spent most of his time trying to protect me from Papa. But that didn’t always work.3

It all came to a head one afternoon. Who knew that when Mama died she’d be leaving us with a pervert? Papa was raising us alone but what made him think that it was ok to molest us? I was home sick from school. I had a cold my brother Dominick stayed home with me to keep anything from happening to me while Papa was home with us. I was taking a nap when I was awoken by shouting. I came downstairs. I sat on the stairs looking into the living room below.4

“You….you stay away from me Dad! Don’t you touch me,” says Nick.5

“Shut up or you will wake up Lori.” Papa says back.6

Papa tries to hug Nick.7

“Get off! Don’t you touch me!” He says.8

Nick was only wearing a pair of jeans with the fly opened and shoes. He looked like he just woke up his blonde hair all in his face, his green eyes shiny, wide, and afraid. Papa was naked very, very naked. I hated to see him naked and knew what had happened between them and it wasn’t hard to guess that Nick was asleep when Papa got him.9

“Dominick calm down,” Papa says.10

“No! You’ve been doing this for years I’ve had it! I’m going to let you do this to me anymore.”11

Papa moves closer to Nick.12

“What are you going to do son?”13

“I’m….I’m,” Nick puts his fists up to his forehead. 14

“I’m going to tell.” Nick says.15

Papa kisses him on his cheek. Nick starts to tap is fists on his forehead.16

“Who are you going to tell son?” 17

He tires to kiss Nick on the mouth but Nick pushes Papa hard.18

“Anybody, anyone who will listen!”19

Nick runs to the closet near the front door and opens the door and grabs a shirt from inside.20

“Where are you going, Dominick?”21

“I’m leaving!!”22

Nick walks out the front door and slams it behind him. Papa sighs and looks up and I run upstairs to my room locking the door behind me.23

“Lori. Lori baby.”24

He come upstairs and knocked on the door.25

“Lori, open the door honey.”26

“No!” I say.27

He knocks again while pushing on the door. I sit on the middle of the bed watching the door hugging my teddy bear tight to me. Just go away. Please, just go away. Papa could easily break the door down but he didn’t. After a few moments he left to get ready for work. 30 minutes later Papa was in his police uniform and heading downstairs. I watched him go. I peek out as I open the door of my bedroom just a crack. After he left I waited before I went downstairs in my pink bathrobe, matching slippers and pocket full of tissues for my nose. I head to the back door. I open the door and look out.28

“Nick. Nick?” I called.29

“Yeah Lori?” He said as he walked into the back yard.30

“Is he gone?” He asked.31

“Gone to work not to long ago.”32

I sat on the steps of the back door. He came and sat down next to me.33

“You ok?” I asked.34

“Yeah. I’m fine.”35

“What happened?”36

“He came into the living room after I gave you your cold medicine. I went to take a nap. I fell asleep watching TV. He was there on the couch with me, undressing me. I woke up and he was naked.”37

Nick started to cry. I had never seen my brother cry. I pulled out a tissue and handed it to him I pulled out another to wipe my nose. I had to turn away to cough.38

“I didn’t know Papa was hurting you like this too.”39

“You saw?”40

“When you pushed him, yeah.”41

Nick started to wipe his face.42

“I just can’t stay here anymore Lori!”43

“You can’t leave. Where would you go?”44

It wasn’t selfish to ask. All we have is each other. If Nick leaves I can’t protect myself.45

“I don’t know. I’ll tell someone, they’ll help.”46

“Yeah? Who? The police aren’t going to help us, he’s a cop. There’s nowhere from us to go. Our only family is him.”47

“He’s going to continue to do this.”48

“So you were just planning to leave today. No money in your pocket. No idea on where to go. And you where just going to leave me here with him.”49

“I didn’t think, sorry Lori. I would never leave you with that bastard. I swear I’ll never leave you with Dad ok?”50

“Ok.”51

I started to cough again and Nick patted me on the back.52

“It’s time to take your medicine again.”53

“So are you going to make dinner?” I asked.54

“Come on.”55

We go inside. Was it wrong of me to ask him not to run away? He’s run away before and he has always come back. Did I fear Papa would go too far and Nick would go away and not come back? Would he leave without me? It could happen. Nah, he would never leave me here. Not in a million billion years.56


My Teen Years57

I’M 15 NOW. I’M STILL LIVING AT HOME, WISHING I WAS DEAD. NOTHING HAS CHANGED FOR me. I spend most of my time being dragged down the halls of Edward R. Murrow high school to classes I don’t really want to go to by my best friend Lillian Booth Kincaid. 58

We’ve been friends since second grade. I remember it like it was yesterday. She had lunch in the period after mine. The routine is lunch in the lunchroom, school yard to play, then auditorium to be picked up by our teacher. Lillian always played hooky and gets chased around and never seems to get caught. This one afternoon she arrives in the auditorium and starts taking to the students who’ve been bad and have to stand against the wall. I was caught talking and had to stand against the wall. She’s going up to each and everyone who is either standing in the corner or against the wall and sharing something funny with them before moving on. After she left them they would stand there sniggering trying not to get caught laughing. Now it was my turn. The black girl stands next to me like she was just assigned to the wall. She turns to me and smiles at me and says.59

“I never know why they send us to the wall. Like we are going to learn something. I rather just talk to the wall.”60

She turns to the wall.61

“Hey, how’s it going? They sent me here to get a closer look at the wall. How about you?”62

She says turning back to me. I couldn’t help but laugh she was funny.63

“I’m Lori.”64

“Yeah, I know who you are. I’m Lillian your new friend. And the boy over there, that’s Michael. See ya.”65

She runs out of the auditorium before any of the teachers catch her. From that odd introduction Lillian, Michael and I have been close friends ever since. They help to make my world a little stable.66

As I sit in science class I decide I’m going to take a nap.67

“Come on, Lori you just got here.”68

“I had a very late night last night, Lillian.”69

“If Ms. Moss catches you sleeping in class again she’ll kick you out.”70

“So?”71

“You do know you are failing this class?”72

“I’m failing every class. I know what you are going to say Lillian.”73

“What’s that?”74

“We’re graduating next year I should make a better effort.”75

“You should.”76

“Fine.”77

For the rest of the class I stay awake and answer questions that I didn’t know the answer to. Lillian would reach over and point out the answer in my text book. Seems like she always covering for me.78

At lunch we talked and ate. 79

“Have you seen Nick, Lillian?”80

“Nope. He’s probably around somewhere. He knows to meet us at lunch or in the school yard.”81

“I’m worried. I didn’t see him this morning when I was getting ready for school.”82

“He was probably out with one of his girlfriends. I wouldn’t worry about it.”83

Ada Val sat down with us.84

“Hey girls,” she says.85

“Hey Ada,” says Lillian.86

“Hi.” I say.87

“You believe all this homework in creative writing class?”88

“Yeah but I think it’ll be a walk in the park for you Ada. I bet you are finish writing it already.”89

“Normally I would Lillian but I’m suffering from a little writer’s block.”90

“It’s not so bad Ada.”91

“Yeah, well, I wish I could just think of something.”92

“You will.”93

“Can I have your fruit cup? They ran out.”94

“Only if you’re not going to drink your juice.”95

“Sure.”96

Lillian’s mean and abusive boyfriend Xavier sat down with his tray full of food.97

“Lillian I’ve been looking for you all day. Where have you been?” He says.98

“In class. Then I went to another class, then another. Until I got hungry then I came here.”99

Ada and I smile.100

“Very funny Lillian.”101

“Yes, it was. Where you been? You missed class. Mrs. Shapiro was asking for you.”102

“Cutting.” Xavier says.103

“Right.” Lillian says back.104

My phone rings to alert me to a voicemail. I check my voicemail. I have two messages. The first one is from my brother.105

“Lori, look it’s me Nick. I can’t stand it here anymore. I will kill him if I have to stay. We had a fight last night I can’t let him touch me. I can’t…” Nick’s message said, but it cut off before he could finish.106

“I didn’t hear anything about that.” I said.107

“Hear what Lori?” Lillian asks.108

“Nick is gone. He’s left.”109

“Is he coming back?”110

I put up a finger to silence her so I can check the next message.111

“Lori I want you to call me when you get this. You brother is so ungrateful. He’s lucky I don’t have him arrested for what he did! Your bastard brother beat me up. I’m coming to get you from school.”112

I hung up.113

“Lori what’s wrong?”114

“My father is coming to school to get me.”115

“Why?”116

I got up and ran out of the lunchroom to the bathroom.117

“What’s wrong with Lori?” Ada asks.118

“I don’t know. I’ll take care of it. Watch our stuff.” 119

Lillian opens the door to the bathroom and then closes it behind her.120

“Lori what’s wrong?”121

“My brother and father had a fight. From the sound of it Nick beat him up good.”122

“So? It’s not the first time this has happened. Why you so upset? Why is your father coming for you?”123

“Nick beat up Papa because he’s been sleeping with him. He does the same thing to me.”124

“What? Are you serious?”125

“Yes.”126

“How long has your father been doing this to you?”127

“Since I was 9.”128

“After your mom died?”129

“Yes.”130

“He’s coming to get me and he’s mad.”131

“You think he’s coming to stop Nick from getting to you first?”132

“Maybe, I….I didn’t think of that. I just thought he was coming here to take me home because he didn’t get what he wanted from Nick. Papa’s always rough with Nick. Papa did that once before and he was really mad at Nick. When he was done I was sore days after.”133

“Lori, I’m sorry.”134

“Yeah, I know. I hadn’t heard it last night.”135

“Heard what?”136

“Them fighting. I didn’t hear them fighting.”137

“We’re you going to stop it? Lori, from what Nick tells me your father had it coming.” 138

“You knew?”139

“Like I said Nick talks to me. He never said anything about your father molesting you too.”140

“And you didn’t tell me?!”141

“Lori, I don’t tell Nick what you and I talk about. Why would I share with you what he tells me?”142

Lillian had a point.143

“Right. Right, I’m sorry.” I say.144

“You have to do something about this before your father comes, Lori. Do you want to talk to Mr. Haig?”145

“The Dean? No. There’s nothing Mr. Haig can do.”146

“There’s plenty he can do. He’ll be real discreet in however he handles this.”147

“Right. What, call the police? Call Child Services?”148

“I don’t know. He’ll be able to help trust me.”149

“Like how he helped you with Xavier after he beat you up?”150

“Yeah.” 151

“Papa will just throw his weight again because he’s a cop. And I’ll still have to go home with him.”152

“Mr. Haig was in the armed forces. He isn’t afriad of cops. He’s not going to let some parent come and hurt any of his students.” 153

I reach into my pocket and pull out a razor blade.154

“Lori what are you doing?”155

“What do you think?” I said as I walked into a stall closing the door behind me.156

“Lori, you can’t do this now!”157

“Lillian, I have no idea where Nick is right now. For all I know he could be hurt or worse he could have ran away and left me behind. After he promised, no swore he wouldn’t! Nick’s my big brother he said he would protect me. And maybe he just left me alone with this monster, Lillian. My father is coming to school to take me home to fuck me. And it’s going to hurt Lillian, like it always does. Bad, it’s going to hurt.”158

I run the blade across my wrist making thin cuts on top of the cuts that have already healed from the weeks before. My arms and legs are covered in scars. I’ve been cutting for years, even taught Lillian to cut. But she’s so reserved; she only cuts on her left thigh. Only on her left thigh and nowhere else. She picks a place that no one can see, she can easily hide. I on the other hand cut anywhere I can get a space and show all of them with pride. One day, all my cuts, all my scars will tell my story. But for right now they are just my cries.159

“Lori, I really think you should tell someone. Just let me call my Popi or maybe Mama Zeta. She can help. I can ask either one of them to come get us.”160

“You’ll have to tell them why. I don’t want that.”161

Over the loudspeaker comes an announcement.162

“Lori Jones please report to the Dean’s office.”163

“Besides,” I say as I come out of the stall with a wadded up piece of tissue pressed to my wrist.164

“It’s too late.”165

She held out her arms to hug me.166

“Lori, let me do something please!”167

I walk past without hugging her.168

“Help me get my stuff and walk me to the Dean’s office. Lillian, don’t say anything please.”169

She lowers her arms.170

“Fine. I won’t say anything. I promise.”171

We walked back to the lunchroom and got my stuff.172

“Hey, Lori what’s going on? They called you over the loudspeaker.” Ada asked.173

“I heard. Nothing to worry about Ada. Just a small family emergency. I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Come on Lillian.”174

“I’ll be back.” Lillian says.175

We walk to the Dean’s office where Papa was standing. He was in his police uniform. Papa was tall and thin. He had blond hair cut short under his hat. His face had a lot of bruises on them; you could see them well even if he tried to hide them behind sunglasses. Nick really did a number on him. 176

“Hey Papa.”177

“Hi sweetie. I’ve already signed you out. Let’s go.”178

I turn and hug Lillian I think I caught her off guard. 179

“Please pray for me Lillian.” I whispered in her ear.180

She pulled away and looked me in the face, her eyes pleading with me one last time.181

“Officer Jones, I really hope you catch the guy that did that to you.”182

“Hope so too Mr. Haig.”183

“Let’s go Lori.”184

“Yes Papa. Bye Lillian.”185

“Bye Lori.”186

We walk out of the school and I feel this deep dread inside me. I know where we are going. I know why and I don’t want to go.187

“Papa why are you here so early?”188

“I wanted to see you Lori.”189

We started to walk home. We lived not to far from Murrow. 190

“I get out at 2:15pm. It’s only 1:30. You could have waited. I didn’t even finish lunch.”191

“When do you eat lunch?”192

“1:00.”193

“Everyday?”194

“Yes.”195

“I’ll make sure you eat later.”196

“What was with the message that you left me?”197

“Nothing. Your brother is just mad.”198

“Why? Why did you say he was ungrateful?”199

“Did you see him today?” He asked.200

“No.”201

“Did he call you?”202

“No. Where’s Nick Papa?”203

“Nicky stormed out. He’ll be home later.”204

I was curious why was Papa wearing his uniform off duty? He always says that he’s not allowed to do so. Maybe he thought that the school would not let me go with him if he was in plain clothes with all the bruises. I wish he did come in plain clothes.205

“Where are we going? 206

“Home Lori, where else would we go?”207

“What happened to your face?”208

“It happened during work. What’s with the 20 questions Lori Ann Jones?”209

“Nothing. It’s just I thought I was in trouble for something. You sounded real mad on the phone.”210

He sounded mad now like he was still angry.211

“Lori I’m not mad. Your brother and I had a fight. I wasn’t mad at you.”212

“Ok. So what happened?”213

I saw that we were getting close to the house.214

“Can we get some ice cream before we go in?”215

“We are right here Lori.” Papa says pulling out his keys as he walks up the steps. I stood at the bottom of the stairs.216

“Come on Lori. There’s ice cream in the house.”217

I slowly walk up as he opens the door. I walk through the door and he slams the door behind me. I turned around. Here it comes. He grabs me and pushes me towards the couch and he takes of his hat and unbuttons his shirt. He kisses me and pulls off his shirt. I watch it fall to the carpeted floor. He unzips his pants while his kisses become deeper and longer. He rips my shirt and yanked at my bra. He couldn’t get it off. I didn’t bother to help. He pulls away and looks at me.218

“Take it off Lori.”219

I don’t want to. I look at him.220

“Now! All of it!!” He yells.221

I couldn’t move. I don’t want to do this again. He grabs at the bra again and gets it off. He stands me up and takes my pants and underwear off. He throws me back on the couch face down. He gets on top of me turns me over. He plays with my breasts.222

“Lori you’re not going to leave me like your brother did, are you?” He asks.223

But he’s coming back right? Papa kisses my breasts and then kisses my neck. He then sits on my legs to play with his penis, a pulling action to see if he is hard.224

“You two don’t know what I do for you. You don’t understand how much I love you.” He says.225

He sticks his penis in between my legs hard. Every thrust followed by a word through clenched teeth.226

“I asked you a question Lori!! Are you planning on leaving Lori?!”227

I cried out in pain.228

“No, Papa!!!”229

“You are planning on telling anyone that I love you? How I love you?”230

He picked up speed like he was trying to tear me in half.231

“NO!!!! Please stop!!”232

“Because they wouldn’t understand Lori. They wouldn’t. They’ll take you away from me. And I’ll die.”233

“It hurts so much. Please just stop. Papa!!!”234

“I’ll kill myself if you tell.” He says.235

“I WON’T TELL PAPA!!! I WON’T! I PROMISE!”236

“Good girl.”237

Then he stopped talking and focused on the task at hand. He kisses me or bites me to remind me to keep my mouth shut right now and in the future. He was just now looking for release. I go to that place I always go when he does this. I slip away, slid away. Where I go is blank and calm and Papa is never there. Now I can’t feel him hurting me. I can’t feel him on top of me. It’s a place where I can float on water and I’m deaf. I’m disconnected from my body and I calmly wait for it all to be over.238

After an hour he was still grunting away. When Papa was finally done with me I get up grab my discarded clothes and go upstairs to take a shower. I go to my room to get changed and throw the clothes I took off into the trash. I grab my backpack and head downstairs.239

“Where you going?”240

Papa stayed laid out on the couch. He never got up to clean himself up or to get dressed.241

“Out.” I say.242

“Where?”243

He points the remote at the TV and flips through the channels.244

“To look for Nick. He should have been home by now.”245

It’s about 4 pm and he really should have been home. If he wasn’t here there was only one place he’d go and he would call me. So, where was he?246

“What time are you coming back?” Papa asks.247

After everything is said and done he tries to act like a father.248

“When I feel like it!”249

“What did I tell you!?” Papa yells. He sits up.250

Right. Not to leave him. That was what all the molesting was about. Not to leave him like Nick did. Not to leave him like Mama. I open the front door.251

“I’ll be back when I find him.”252

I close the door behind me. I head down the to the train station. I get on the Q line and take it into Manhattan. I get off downtown in the Village. I walk around a corner to an apartment building. I push open the two glass doors and walk up the stairs to the left passing the mailboxes. I stop at the second door once I reach the top. I hear music coming from the apartment, it’s muffled. I knock on the door. A woman answers her name is Sally. Johnny calls her Sinful Sally. He never told me why. Sally was a tall black woman in her mid 20s. Nice looking but she’s been doing drugs awhile and it showed on her face.253

“Hey Lori. How it going?” Sally says.254

“The same Sally, the same. Johnny here?”255

“Yeah, in the back.”256

She stands to one side to let me in. I walk in and there are people crowding the place like it usually is. They are smoking and drinking. Some of them are making out. Johnny is my boyfriend. He’s in his 20s. He deals drugs on the side. They say he’s also a gang banger but I never saw anything like that. He takes real good care of me when I’m here. I walk back to the bedrooms. I knock on the one that is his bedroom.257

“Johnny?” I say.258

The bedroom used to belong to his parents before they died. Johnny’s bedroom is pretty plain but clean. He just has a bed one nightstand and desk in the very large bedroom. It makes his room look as if it needs something, but never knowing what. The lights in his bedroom are red and dim, giving it a surreal feel to it.259

“Hey babe! Come on in.”260

I come in and sit on his bed. He looks at me.261

“I know that look Lori.” He gets up off the bed and walks to the bedroom door and closes it and sat down next to me. He hugs me.262

“Your father again?”263

“Yeah. Nick and he had a fight and he left. Papa took it out on me. Johnny, have you seen Nick?”264

“Nope. I haven’t seen him in a day or so.”265

He kisses me on the lips. A light kiss to let me know he’s there, he cares. Then he hops up. He pulls off my backpack and drops it at the foot of the bed.266

“I got something that’ll make you feel better.”267

He goes over to the head of the bed near the nightstand. He picks up the mirror and brings it over to me. I see the lines of coke and the razor blade. Hello my old friend.268

“A little of this will make you feel better.” Johnny says.269

There was a knock on his bedroom door. He hands me the mirror and goes to his door.270

“Yo Johnny!” A male voice says.271

“Yeah?” Johnny says as he opens the door.272

“I’m going on a beer run man you want anything?”273

“Yeah. Get me two sandwiches and some sodas for me and my girl.”274

“You got it.”275

I snort a line while they talk. I inhale the white powder. I dip my head back after I snort the line. 276

“Oh, Slim, be on the look out for Lori’s brother Nick. You see him you bring him here.”277

“He in trouble?” Slim asks.278

“Not with me. Just wanna make sure he ok.”279

“We’ll keep a look out.”280

“Good. I don’t want no one brothering us the rest of the night.”281

“I’ll be back.”282

I hold the mirror steady as I take I another hit. It feels so good. I feel the world start to melt away as I watch Johnny come towards me, take the mirror, snort a line and put the mirror back on the nightstand. He comes back and kneels in between my legs. He pulls my face towards his. Our foreheads meet and press together. Johnny has such pretty brown eyes. Looking at him you can tell he’s Spanish.283

“I missed you baby girl.” He says.284

“I missed you too Johnny.”285

“How you feel?” He asks.286

“I feel good Johnny.”287

“What did your daddy do to you?”288

“He raped me Johnny. He did bad things to me Johnny.”289

“I know people. I can slice him open. Cut his balls off and show it to him. You want me to do that?”290

“You can’t. He’s a cop.”291

“I know about him. He’s a dirty cop. He takes bribes. I know him. I got people. I can protect you from him. He shouldn’t do that do you!”292

Tears ran down my face he wipes my tears with his hand.293

Johnny was about 5’7. He had long straight black hair. That he keeps pulled back in a ponytail.294

“Can I have some more?”295

I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I spent my days in school, my evenings with my Papa while he molests me, my nights getting high hoping it will all go away. Me and Nick spent many a night in the other room getting high. This is me getting high.