Script I'm doing for Drama

Written by me... and my friend 1

SCRIPT2

The Magical African Tour3

Thomas – Jeremy4

Tyron – Hank/Ambulance driver5

Ryan – Edward/Native6

Bethan – Barbra7

Hassan – Himself8

Owen – Native9

{Hank is typing at reception}10

{Barbra, Edward and Hassan walk on}11

Barbra: Oh, Edward what are we doing here?12

Edward: Be quiet dear13

{Turns to Hank}14

Edward: Hello sir, I would like two tickets to the African Safari, please15

Hank: Yes, certainly sir, how would you like that?16

Edward: A TICKET!!17

{Hank jumps back}18

Hank: Here you go sir, very timid19

Edward: How much would that be?20

Hank: £48 please21

Edward: Do you accept credit cards?22

Hank: Yes sir23

{Edward gives Hank his credit card, Hank pockets it}24

Edward: Hey! My credit card! Give it back!25

Hank: Certainly sir, you’ll get it back at the end of the safari!26

Edward: I shall never come here again, you thief!27

{Edward walks off}28

Barbra: Honey! {To Hank} Sorry about this {To Edward} Honey!29

{Begins to run off, but is interrupted by Edward coming on anyway}30

Edward: Forgot my bag...31

{Jeremy runs on}32

Jeremy: Are you on the tour sir?33

Edward: I—34

Jeremy: Perfect! This way!35

{Grabs Edward and takes him off-stage}36

Jeremy: {Comes back on and sees Barbra} You his daughter?37

Barbra: Wife...38

Jeremy: Dammit...39

{Takes her off-stage}40

{Hassan walks to Hank}41

Hank: I hate posh people; they’re so... posh...42

Hassan: I know, they’re a bit annoying, aren’t they?43

Hank: Anyway, how can I help you sir?44

Hassan: Yes, I’d like to have one ticket to the safari please45

Hank: Certainly sir, hang on a minute46

{Types on the computer}47

Hassan: Thank you...48

Hank: So that’s the Sabrina Ocean Finance Water Thingy Park49

Hassan: No, safari park...50

Hank: Oh! Sorry, typo51

Hassan: That’s okay52

{Grabs his ticket and walks off}53

{Jeremy walks on}54

Jeremy: Hank, how many sales have we made today?55

{Hank gets up, acting cool, and holds up three fingers}56

Jeremy: Three?57

Hank: {whispers} Three58

Jeremy: Three?59

Hank: Three!60

Jeremy: THREE!61

Hank: THREE!62

{They both start doing a ridiculous dancing, Hank stops and watches Jeremy}63

Hank: That was amazing... how’d you do that?64

Jeremy: I’ll teach you later...65

Hank: Okay66

Jeremy: Now go lead the tourists to wherever the hell they’re going to go...67

Hank: Okay {walks off}68

{Native comes on}69

Native: Gokili Gokili Takali?70

Jeremy: Are you trying to sell me shrunken heads again?71

Native: Gokili Gokili Gokili Gokili Gokili!72

Jeremy: I already told you, I’m not interested!73

Native: {Angry} Gokili Gokili Gokili {Begins to storm off}74

Jeremy: In that case, I’ll take two!75

Native: {Runs back on} Gokili?76

Jeremy: Actually... Nah...77

{Native runs off}78

Jeremy: {Rummaging} Where’s my speech? Ah... {Getting a piece of paper} Bingo...79

{Hank and tourists come on}80

Jeremy: Hank! You ready?81

Hank: Yep...82

{All tourists are chatting83

Hank: Ahem...84

{Still chatting}85

Hank: AHEM86

{Still chatting}87

Hank: {Breaks into a coughing fit, everyone rushes to help him} Thanks, I’m fine...88

Jeremy: {Reading from speech} Hello and welcome to the magical African tour pause for laughter { said}89

{Hanks begins to cry, at this point Jeremy must pretend to read the speech so the audience can hear Edward and Barbra}90

Barbra: {Talking about Hank} Dear, what is he doing?91

Edward: Don’t worry dear; he’s just mentally challenged...92

Jeremy: {Still reading from the speech} ...which is why people should never actually stroke one the lions that have the words ‘Test Subject’ and then a number branded on them...93

Hank: {crying} That speech was... beautiful, sir94

Jeremy: Aww, there, there Hank... there, there {Hugs him}95

Hank: So... are we going to go?96

Jeremy: Yup97

{Edward and Barbra walk to the doors of the jeep}98

Barbra: Let me get this Edward, I know you’re incapable of doing stuff like this, dear...99

{Hank and Jeremy climb into the front}100

Jeremy: {whispering} Listen, Hank... there’s a reason I chose you to drive on this run, and that was too ask you a question {notices the tourists listening} Hey! This doesn’t concern you {they turn away} Now, I want you to answer me honestly... did you... or did you not... disconnect the brakes...101

Hank: I’m sorry; I don’t understand the question...102

Jeremy: Sorry, too long a sentence...103

Hank: Okay...104

Jeremy: Sorry... the brakes...105

Hank: Yeah?106

Jeremy: Did you disconnect them, or not?107

Hank: It wasn’t me last time; it was the guy with the knife!108

Jeremy: Oh yeah! It’s always the guy with the knife ‘I didn’t kill her, it was the guy with the knife’ ‘I didn’t disconnect the brakes, it was the guy with the knife’ ‘I didn’t violate those—‘ ...Yeah...109

Barbra: Could we get going or are we going to be here another half hour?110

Jeremy: Fine! Go ahead Hank...111

Hank: Erm... how do I start it?112

Jeremy: {Sighs} The keys, Hank, the keys in the ignition113

Hank: Ah...114

{The jeep starts}115

Jeremy: Hey guys! A monkey!116

Hank: Tiger117

Barbra: Bear118

Jeremy: It’s a monkey!119

Hank & Barbra: Oh yeah...120

Jeremy: Hey guys! A lion!121

Hank: Monkey122

Barbra: Bear123

Hank: Tiger124

Jeremy: No...125

Hank: Hippo!126

Jeremy: NO! {Picks up some photo’s} That’s a monkey127

Hank: Mm...128

Jeremy: That’s a tiger...129

Hank: Right...130

Jeremy: {Showing this to Barbra} That’s a bear131

Barbra: Oh yes!132

Jeremy: {showing this one to Hank} That’s a hippo...133

Hank: That’s a picture of my mum...134

Jeremy: Oh, sorry I—wait... why do I have a picture of your mum?135

Hank: It’s my car!136

Jeremy: Oh yeah...137

Barbra: {Points} Guys! The Loch Ness Monster!138

Jeremy: No ma’am, that’s a giraffe...139

Barbra: Oh yes...140

Jeremy: And over here we have some natives... wait they’re following us!141

{Native runs on and chases the car...}142

Jeremy: Hank! Drive! No... Brake!143

{Hank tries to break, but no prevail}144

Jeremy: You DID disconnect the brakes! Oh god... we’re going to crash!145

{The jeep crashes}146

Hank: Is everyone okay?147

Jeremy: Yep... the dashboard broke my fall!148

{Native runs on, and throws everyone out of the jeep, then steals the engine, and runs off}149

{Edward walks upstage, and gets hit by a spear}150

{Jeremy is oblivious to the situation}151

Jeremy: I’m a hero... I survived a car crash, all my tourists are alive152

Hank: Err... sir...153

Jeremy: Be quiet Hank, I’m admiring how great my life is...154

Hank: SIR!155

{Pulls Jeremy’s head to the incident}156

Jeremy: Oh my god!157

Hank: I’ll call an ambulance {Gets out his phone} Err... hello there’s this man, who’s got a spear through him...158

Edward: Excuse me! I’m dying here! {Turns to Jeremy, who’s supporting him...} I can stand up by myself, thanks!159

{Jeremy lets go of him, and Edward falls over}160

Jeremy: Oh god...161

{Picks up Edward up again}162

Hank: {on phone} Oh! Sorry mum! Wrong number! {Dials again} Hello, ambulance? Yes, there’s a spear with a guy through him... okay {Hangs up} they’re coming now... I’ll just go over here, and... Do something...163

{Ambulance driver runs on}164

Ambulance driver: Here we go! {Pulls Edward offstage, and then runs off himself}165

Barbra: How did he know where we were...?166

Jeremy: {Opens his mouth to speak, closes it, then speaks anyway} Good question...167

Hassan: {by the bonnet} Guys! The native must have stolen our engine!168

Jeremy: Oh god... how could this get any worse169

{Gets dragged offstage by to natives}170

Jeremy: Hank! Hank! Help me Hank!171

Hank: We have to help him172

{Runs offstage with Barbra and Hassan}173

{Jeremy gets pulled on stage, screaming, and gets tied to a chair}174

Hank: {offstage} Wait... Anybody got a plan? Plan, plan, plan, plan...175

Hassan: Wait... I’ve got diamonds176

Hank: What about you do you have a plan?177

Barbra: No...178

Hank: I’ve got it! CHAAAARRRGGGEEE!!179

{Runs onstage, and ties himself to the chair next to Jeremy}180

Jeremy: What use was that?181

Hank: Friends never leave each other!182

{Barbra walks on}183

Hank: Quick! Tie yourself up!184

{Barbra ties herself to the chair in the middle}185

Jeremy: Why did you listen to HIM!?186

{Hassan runs on...}187

Hassan: Should I help?188

Hank: No! Save yourself!189

Jeremy: No! Help us!190

Hassan: {Thinks} Is this part of the tour?191

Jeremy, Hank & Barbra: NO!192

Hassan: Then, no... I could die193

{Runs off}194

Jeremy: Coward!195

Hank: I’ve got an idea! Have any of you seen Indiana Jones?196

Jeremy: Yeah...197

Barbra: No...198

Hank: Well in Indiana Jones—199

Jeremy: Wait, which Indiana Jones film?200

Hank: The Last Crusade201

Jeremy: I haven’t seen that one202

Hank: Haven’t you? That one’s really good...203

Jeremy: I hear it is—204

Barbra: Guys!? The plan!?205

Hank: Oh yeah... we could try to hop our way off...206

Jeremy: Nice idea...207

{They begin too}208

Hank: You know what we need?209

Barbra: What?210

Hank: A superhero...211

Barbra: Oh, you mean like Batman?212

Jeremy: Yeah, Hank... they don’t exist213

Barbra: I know but Batman was good...214

Jeremy: Yeah...215

Hank: {While Jeremy and Barbra are talking} What!? Wha—{falls off his chair, untying him, and begins to run off}216

Jeremy: ...so the Joker should have...217

Barbra: Look! Hank escaped!218

Jeremy: Hank! Help us Hank!219

Hank: Ooh, almost forgot220

{Unties Jeremy and Barbra}221

{Jeremy and Barbra run off, but Jeremy pushes Hank into the natives, Hank gets a spear through him, the natives leave, and Jeremy and Barbra come back on}222

Jeremy: Erm, could I have the keys to the car please?223

{Hank hands Jeremy the keys}224

Barbra: Do you think I’ll ever see my husband again?225

Jeremy: Oh yeah, I just got a call from the hospital... he’s dead...226

Barbra: What!? {Begins to cry}227

Jeremy: Move on... Move on...228

Barbra: Yes... move on...229

{They both walk off}230

END231

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Fuzzyheart gold member
    October 1

    Edit | Reply
    Right...i've tried being nice, i'm now going to give you a honhest critique.

    Right, good points...
    As i've said this is origginal and creative, and that shines through throughout the entire play.

    I'll start with the beggining, you seem to jump straight into the story, which confuses the audience, i'd suggest a short scene at the begginng, explaining why hank ended up as the receptionist, considering in the version i've seen there is a line "why are you on reception?" TBH the opening is reasonably good, but it goes downhill after this.

    The jeep scene, is both rushed and drags on at the same time. The confused animals joke is a good idea, but the execution of the joke is poor, to make this joke work it needs to be longer, at the moment the scene just drags on, and the "your mother" joke is predictable. The conversaion about cutting the breaks spoils the suprise of the crash, I think it would be better if you had that conversiaton after the crash, and the idea of 1 native stealing an engine is stupid.

    The Aftermath of the Crash scene isnt that bad, too much emphasis is put on the ambulance call instead of Edward's lines which are much funnier.

    Final scene starts well, with hank tieing himself to the chair, but the escape is pretty poor, the hopping away idea worked well with two people, but wouldn't work with three. The "breaking the laws of physics" line you did in my version is better than the pointless conversaion about batman. The beliveing in superheroes joke; again good idea, but badly executed. Hank's death scene is quite good though, although the ending leaves the audience with no real sense of conclusion.

    I know characterisation isnt so important in comedy, but it still requires some thought, probably the most developed and clear character is Barbra, although obviously the main characters (Jeremy & Hank) are second, although a bit misty. Your orriginality shows through again here making the main characters the tour hosts instead of the tourists.

    Overall, you have some good ideas, and the begginings of some funny jokes, but they are let down by being rushed, or badly executed,

    One final note: you seem to jump from one joke strait to another joke, you need some serious moments to let the audience calm down before hitting them with the next joke.


    • TheRanter
      October 2
      Edit | Reply
      OMG! You gave... constructive criticism

      I think the fact that the jokes are predictable adds my own air of... yeah...

      Thanks, I probably won't listen to anything you say, but still...

      Admittedly though, the breaking the laws of physics line was better, but the other guys were talking over the joke...

      • Fuzzyheart gold member
        October 2
        Edit | Reply
        Oh and one more point i forgot to mention: I know there's meant to be some joke about Jeremy 'liking' barbra but that isnt very clear...


  • Painter Meli
    October 1

    Edit | Reply
    The Magical African Tour? Nice (reminds me of The Magical Mystery Tour = Beatles! )

    Lol at the credit card swipe. (rofl...)

    Lol: You his daughter?

    Wife...

    Dammit...

    (Me : Freaking awesome!!!)

    Nice dance... whatever it may be. xD This sounds like an awesome comedy!

    He had to start a coughing fit to get their attention. XD

    *just read through the rest*

    This is very good, I tell yeh! Some points should be clarified though, like where Hank untied himself, but... omg - this is a great skit! = )

    I would most definitely love to see it. xD it's a shame that I can't through, but just look through it again aloud to see if there are any unclear points. Other than that... it's all good! (Very funny. )

    Poor Hank, though! He doesn't deserve to die! (Well... since Edward did "die" and all.. OHHHHH...... xD)

    language: 5, plot: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • TheRanter
      October 1
      Edit | Reply
      The Magical African Tour was, yeah, a play on the 'Magical Mystery Tour'

      I don't think this joke was clear: Jeremy actually SAYS "Pause for laughter"

      This was a rushed version of what we were already doing, so yeah, I left out a lot of points...

      And Hank had the keys to the car... that's reason enough... Oddly enough, I just realised, everyone who had two parts, died at the end...

      EDIT: Well, the joke is Edward didn't die... but we couldn't really find a way of proving that, and get some laughs... So, we were just going to assume the audience got that...

1 - 6 of 6