Snap Shot. (at page #15)

I held the photo by the edge and smiled as I studied it. 1

It was a gorgeous shot. Black and white. two people framed. Silhouetted. Cowboy hats caught in mid fall as they are knocked off by the couples embrace. Gentle lips brushing. Hands gripping shoulders.2

That was a long time ago Adele, I told myself as I set the photo back on the dash of the rusted out old Chevy. I had to smile again. He’d always been a Chevy man, while I was a die hard Ford girl. Some things never change. Maybe it wasn’t that long ago I thought as I glanced back at the photo. 3

It had been three years since I’d even seen the boy I’d kissed in that picture but the photo was still taped to his dash, just as it had been the day we both took off. It felt weird to be sitting in his truck with out him, with out him even knowing I was here. 4

I bit back tears, thinking of how I’d longed for it to be his voice on the phone when I saw the once familiar number on my caller ID. It had not been. It had been Mama, his mom. I still thought of the, on the large side round, salted grey haired woman as a second mother even though it had been three long years since she had cooked for me, since she had sat on the front porch and laughed about wedding plans with me, since she had been a true part of my family. 5

Oh Del I said to myself what are you doing here?6

I traced the emblem on the steering wheel as I thought of the phone call that had brought me here. Mama had called to tell me that Captain Morgan, my horse, the horse Tim had given me, the horse I had left here because I couldn’t bear to look at him, had passed on. Ole Captain had been in my name and Mama never changed it after Tim took off and I left and Mama had felt I deserved to know he was gone. The tears pricked again and I was reminded of why I was sitting in this old pick up truck anyway. 7

I reached beneath the seat and found the old binder exactly where Tim and I used to keep it when we hauled together. It was dusty but I could still make out the picture on the front. It was another of Tim and me. In this one we were on our horses, me on Ole Captain and Tim on his great grey monster of a roping horse, and we looked happy. I squinted closer and realized I looked pretty and care free. My dirty blonde hair was loose but tucked back under my black cowboy hat, my happy green eyes shown right out of the picture and my smile was wide and unconscious. I remembered the day the picture was taken and the tears threatened at my eyes again. 8

I tore my eyes from the picture and looked up to the house. Mama was sitting on the porch on the swing watching me. I forced a smile I knew she’d see through and waved. Opening the book I carefully snatched Capt’s papers and jumped out of the truck, slamming the door behind me. 9

Mama smiled as I crossed the yard. 10

“Stayin for dinner?” she asked just the way she had back when Tim and I had been dating. 11

I bit back a sad smile “No ma’am, can’t, got horses to feed,” I replied in the same way I used to. The truth was my farm hand Ray would feed the horses before I even made it back but the conversation was more like a ritual than an actual conversation.12

Mama smiled the same sad smile and recited her next line “ You’re a good cowgirl. Horses always eat first but your horses will keep. Come eat.” 13

I smiled “Yes Mama,” I said, trudged up the porch steps and followed her inside.14

Mama swatted me away from helping and shooed me into a chair, then served dinner quickly. I bit back another sad smile. Mama had known I would stay. She must have put dinner on while I was out in the pasture saying my good byes to the mound of dirt that was now my horse and getting his papers from the truck. 15

“Thanks Mama,” I said as she served me potatoes. 16

She nodded, not needing to say more. Mama had that way about her. She never really had to use too many words because somehow you just knew how she felt. Mama was telling me she still loved me as much as I still loved her. 17

I sighed and we began to eat. As I cut my meat I wondered idly if Mama ever got lonely. Tim’s daddy, John had died four years ago and it had been hard on Mama, Tim and his brother, Joey. Joey had moved away to NYC as soon as he could afterward. I shook my head remembering bright eyed Joey and wondering how he had faired. I hadn’t had much time to figure it out because I left soon after he did. Tim had left at the same time I did, leaving Mama alone on what was left of the farm. 18

Out of the blue Mama spoke “You know we never hurt for money,” I nodded, I knew about the gas lease that had given them enough money to retire from farming on. “But sometimes,” she went on “sometimes I wish we still had the farm workin,” she paused as if weighing her next words carefully “just so that my boys would come home every now and then.” 19

“I’m sorry Mama,” I said hanging my head. 20

“Oh honey don’t be sorry,” she scolded gently “It’s not your fault my fool son ran scared and never came back.”21

I jerked my head up “Tim never came back?” For some reason I figured Tim had just taken off for a while and came back to the farm. He loved it here; no way he’d stay away for three years.22

“No he didn’t” Mama said weighing her words again “I’ve been to see him but he says he doesn’t care to see this place ever again.” 23

I blinked back more tears. “I’m sorry Mama,” I repeated. 24

“Hush Child, I told you it wasn’t your fault,” she said sliding a bowl of corn closer to my plate. 25

I took some corn silently and for a while the only noise was the two of us eating. 26

“Mama?” I asked after a while.27

“Yes?” she answered folding her napkin and resettling it in her lap. 28

“I was wrong Mama” I told her in a tiny voice. 29

“We all make mistakes darling. It’s just human.” Mama answered in her patient voice. 30

I nodded, looking down at my plate. 31

That’s when I heard the tires. My favorite part about the farm had always been how it seemed like you could see everything from the front porch. Tim n I used to sit and watch the world go by at a crawl and my ears perked at the familiar sound. I heard a car door slam, then a few seconds later boots on the porch steps. Even after three years I could tell that walk. Tim had come home. 32

He was the scariest, most handsome thing I’d seen in a long time as he stood framed by the screen door he had just slammed open. He had on his signature black hat, the one I had helped him pick out I noticed with a pang, and it was pulled low but I could still see the fire burn in his electric blue eyes when he saw me sitting at his kitchen table. His tanned face was chiseled into hard angry lines and everything about his square stance radiated anger. 33

“Tim!” Mama exclaimed keeping her voice pleasant even though she was facing her just-about-ready-to-explode son. 34

“Mama,” he said, ever polite, tipping his hat to her. His eyes cut to me and every nerve in my body burned. 35

“What you doin here?” his words were harmless enough but his tone could have stopped the Mississippi. 36

“Capt was my horse for a while too,” I told him trying to keep my voice level. 37

At the mention of the big hearted horse’s name he seemed to crumple in on himself. I only caught a split second of it before he turned away and stormed back out. I half stood then froze. 38

“Let him go child,” Mama said reaching across the table to lay a hand on my arm “He’s to stubborn and worked up to try to talk to now.” 39

I nodded, she was right. 40

We, again sat in silence for a few moments. This time Mama broke it. 41

“Adele?” she asked.42

“Yes Mama?” I answered hearing a tone in her voice that scared me. 43

“What really happened that night?” she asked her voice gentle but demanding.44

I broke down. “Oh Mama, it was my fault. I was mad. Tim had been flirting with some buckle bunnies and he’d left the dog in the truck and some other damn thing that really don’t matter now. I should have never asked her to go that fast.” My breath was coming in short gasps and I couldn’t see through the tears.45

“Slow down darling, start from the beginning. All I know as that you two headed off to a rodeo happy as a clam and came back with out Baby and then before I knew it I had lost a future daughter in law and my son was gone” Mama prompted calmly. 46

“Okay. It was Fort Dale. The ground was bad. Like I said Tim had made me mad. I took Baby out to ride her around and cool off. I was out back of the grand stand when Alley Parker started talking to me. She was bein nasty. Tellin me Capt was gonna break down soon and I needed to quit bein a pansy bout bringin Baby up and how if Baby was ever gonna make it tonight would be the night to prove it.” I paused remembering exactly how it had happened. Baby had been a young, very talented mare Tim and I had bought together and were bringing along slow. Alley was my biggest rival and least favorite person of all. 47

Mama just stared at me patiently. “So I took the bait and swore Baby could win it if I wanted and she told me to switch horses. So I did. Tim was already in the stands because he knew I was mad. So when I was up, I just took Baby in the pen instead. She drug me up the alley and I turned her loose at the end and she roared into that first. I tune the crowd out when I run but I could almost hear them screaming. I sent her hard across to the second. It’s a long run across in that pen and for some reason, Lord only knows why, but I looked up in the stands. I saw Tim’s face. Mama I’ll never forget the look on that boy’s face when he saw me pushin our horse across there like I was in my right mind.” I paused again remembering the look on Tim’s face. It had been one of absolute horror and disappointment. It hurt to be remembering this night. 48

I collected myself again and went on “It happened going into the second. The ground washed out and she went down. High sided I guess. Feet went out from under her and I heard the leg snap. It was a sickening sound. But that wasn’t the worst. The worst was when she hit…” I stopped. My throat had closed. I squeezed my eyes shut trying not to remember the noise I had heard as 1000+ pounds of horse flesh came crashing to the ground. “The worst was when she hit,” I tried again “her neck. It snapped. That noise is the worst noise I’ve ever heard.” I paused again to sob. Mama didn’t reach out this time. She knew I needed to cry to get the story out. 49

“She never even thrashed. She died instantly. I guess I should thank God for that but…” I trailed off, thinking of my horse lying crumpled on the arena dirt. 50

“They came and got her out. The whole time I stayed with her. Tim came down too. He didn’t speak to me down there. He just laid a hand on her neck and helped the ring crew get her moved from the arena. 51

“We loaded in silence. I sat in the truck while Tim talked to Charlie about the” my voice cracked and I stopped to clear my throat “the body.” I stopped again to look at Mama. “Did you know she’s buried right there on the grounds?” I asked. Mama nodded. “Charlie did that for us,” Charlie Wilks was the old broken cowboy that owned the rodeo grounds. “When Tim got in the truck he didn’t say a word. I just sat there in the passenger seat, crying. That’s how it was all the way home. Me crying, him just driving.” I glanced up at her again and this time she gave me a nod. She wanted the whole story. 52

“We pulled in the drive and Tim shut the truck off but neither of us moved. Then Tim looked right at me. And he says ‘You killed my horse now get out. Alley wouldn’t have killed her and the sex is better anyway.’ Mama I could feel myself look at him with this ridicules look. But he just said ‘that’s right you heard me. I slept with Alley Parker cuz you aint nothing but a 2 dollar claimer jockey to me. And now I don’t have a horse to keep you around to ride so go on and git outa here.’ It broke my heart but he was right. I killed his horse. I climbed outa the truck put Capt away and went to bed. The next day he met me at the door of the cabin as I was loadin my stuff. He told me that I wasn’t welcome here and that he was leavin too because he couldn’t stand to be where he’d been with me.” I stopped to look at her again. “I always thought he meant he needed a break not that he was leaving for good” I told her. 53

Mama nodded and this time she did reach back out and take my hand. She looked me in the eye and said something that would have sounded hokey had anyone else said it but when Mama said it, it sounded good. “Time heals wounds honey” she said “Now you git out to that pasture and you share his grief with him. He loved that ole horse as much as you did.”54

With that Mama gave me a gentle shove towards the door and I pulled open the screen like I was in auto pilot. I stayed on auto pilot across the yard and over the fence into the pasture. I just let my feet carry me but half way across the pasture I looked up and what I saw stopped me in my tracks. 55

Tim was down on one knee, hat in his hands, light brown hair messed up and being ruffled by the wind. One had held has hat and one reached out and touched the dirt. I was to far away to ear him but I knew he was talking to Ole Capt, the same way he used to when Capt was alive. When Capt and I got riled before our runs, Tim would lay one hand on the horse’s neck and the other on my knee and just talk. He never really said anything but he’d just tell us silly stories or comment on the people around us and it never failed to calm me and the big bay gelding down. 56

The tears started to run as I stood there and watched the young man I had once loved, still loved, talking to our beloved gelding and praying. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, Tim stood up and turned around. The second he caught site of me his body language turned angry again. He started back across the pasture and I could see he planned to walk right on past me. I watched him approach begging him with my eyes not to and when he passed my voice seemed to work on it’s own. 57

“I loved him too,” I spoke the words but I didn’t think them, they just came out. 58

Tim paused, looked at me and for a split second I could see him soften. He nodded, slowly, like he wasn’t sure but he did nod. Then the hardness was back and he strode away from me with his long strides. I felt myself release a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding and followed him at a slower pace. 59

I stopped at the fence, turned around, blew Capt a kiss, and then headed to the porch to say good bye to Mama. 60

I stopped at the foot of the porch. Tim was sitting on the swing. He was slumped and spinning his hat in his hands. 61

“Mama said to wait out here,” he said in his gruff, gravelly voice. I noted with hope that he didn’t sound as livid as before. I nodded and sat on the porch steps. The air between us practically crackled with tension and I knew we were both sitting here because Mama asked and we didn’t want to hurt her. 62

Another forever long minute went by before Mama, wiping her hands on a worn pink apron stepped outside. 63

“Child,” she scolded when she saw me sitting on the steps “get up from there. That’s no seat.”64

I almost had to smile; Mama had yelled at me for sitting there, back when things were good and we used to sit out on the porch after dinner. I shoved myself to my feet and stood awkwardly for a second. Mama had taken the rocking chair, turned it towards the swing and settled her large frame into it. The only “proper” seat left was next to Tim on the swing. I snuck a glare at Mama as I crossed the porch and sat as far from him as possible on the very edge of the swing. Mama just gave me a tiny smile. 65

When I was seated she looked us both over, making us both squirm in our seats a little. I don’t know about Tim but I felt like a kid awaiting punishment. 66

Mama finally spoke “Three years is a long time not to see you two sittin in that spot.” She said it as if it was just an innocent comment. I held very still with a lot of effort and I could feel Tim doing the same thing a foot away. 67

“I’m not saying what you need to do or don’t do,” Mama went on “I’m just sayin that it troubles an ole woman like me to see two young people so fulla anger and hurtin. Now I’m goin inside so you kids can talk if you need to,” Mama told us. Again she said it innocent but it was implied that she thought we needed to talk. 68

When she was gone I slowly turned a tiny bit to look a Tim. He had tilted his head a little so he could look at me with out really looking at me. Our eyes met and for just a tiny sliver of a second he looked like my Tim. The fun loving Tim that would take on anything and loved me as much as I loved him. But it was gone in a second and I saw an angry young cowboy that wanted nothing to do with me. 69

He stood, towering over me. With a harsh look down he said “I can’t do this,” in a tone cold enough to freeze Hawaii. He slammed his hat on his head and pulled it down low then spun on his cowboy booted heel and took of in a steady jog for the old truck I had been sitting in earlier. 70

I felt as if I’d been slapped all over again. The hurt would have knocked me down had I been standing and in a second cold irrational anger took over. 71

“Fine you stupid good for nothing COWARD cowboy!” I screamed at his retreating back, spitting the last word like it was the dirtiest of dirty words. He faltered a step but kept going. 72

“Run away again!” I screamed as he reached the driver’s side. He opened the door as if he didn’t hear and climbed in. He clicked the key on and the truck turned over twice before roaring to life. He put it in gear and tore out of the driveway. The tears came again as I watched the tail lights fade, like something out of some country song. 73

Mama came out on the porch just as the dust trail Tim’s tires had left was settling. 74

“He always was a hard headed son of a buck,” she commented, resting her hand on the back of the swing. 75

I rolled my red rimmed eyes up at her, “Ya think?” I answered sarcastically. 76

She nodded, as if I was serious. “Listen Honey, I talked to that nice older gentleman you have workin for you over at your place,” she said lightly. 77

I whirled around to look at her. “What?”78

“Yes. I called and asked if I could barrow you for a few days,” Mama said holding up a hand to ward off my interruption. “I asked him first so I knew if it was possible you can say no if you want but I need some help with the hay coming in tomorrow and that fool boy, Tim sure isn’t going to help and I don’t really want to bother the boys down the road because they have their own to put in. But I can do it alone,” she paused then added “it’s only two wagons.”79

I rolled my eyes knowing she’d talk me into it no mater what I did. “Ray said the farm was ok?” I asked and when she nodded I agreed “Okay I’ll stay and help.” 80

She smiled “There’s a pair of your jeans, a shirt and some sleepin clothes in the bunk house.”81

I gave her an incredulous look and she laughed. “You left them in the wash that day and I figured they might come in handy.” 82

I had to laugh “Mama you are something else,” I told her, shaking my head. 83

She nodded “Yes I am. Now it’s getting late,” she said gesturing out at the settling dusk. “Run down and get changed into comfy clothes and we’ll watch something on that damn television.”84

I laughed “Yes ma’am,” I said and headed down the path. 85

Down in the bunk house I was started at how my old home looked the same. I had lived in the bunk house on the farm so I was closer to my horses that last year before I left. It had originally been built for the boys but when Joey left Tim had moved back up to the house and I’d moved in. The bed was still made with the same blue comforter Mama had bought me and the lamp Tim had made for me was still on the bedside table. I looked around and a lump formed in my throat. I missed this place. 86

I tried to shove away the thoughts of the past as I turned to dig in the drawer, the same one I had empted that last day. I almost laughed but mostly wanted to cry, when I found the clothes Mama had been talking about. It was what had once been my favorite pair of white girl’s boxer shorts with green horse shoes and clover on them and one of Tim’s t-shirts. I pulled the shirt out and held it up. It was well worn, soft and said Cross Canadian Ragweed across the front. I rubbed it between my fingers then held it up to my face. It smelled of must and the drawer but it still held a very faint hint of Tim’s smell, the horses mixed with leather and sweat and guy smell. I sighed and pulled it away from my face. Dreaming about what was and might have been was pointless, besides Mama was waiting. Forcing my thoughts towards the house and away from Tim, I shucked off my jeans, shirt and bra and pulled on the boxers and worn shirt. I slipped my boots back on and trudged up towards the house. I gave the night a sad smile as a remembered the thousands of times I had made the same walk, for morning coffee, wearing the same thing. Tim had always said shorts, his shirt and cowboy boots was my best look. 87

Mama was already in front of the tv when I settled myself on the couch next to her easy chair. She smiled at me but didn’t say anything as we both fixed our eyes on some mindless comedy that she had playing. 88

Two episodes of the same show later we were still sitting there, laughing along like we did it every night. That’s when the phone rang. 89

Mama answered it the same as she always did. “Daniels’ Farm. Mama speaking. How can I help you?”90

She paused and the voice on the other end spoke. “Yes ma’am it is. Oh my. Okay. Yes ma’am. I’ll be there as soon as I can” Mama finishded the conversation quickly and hung up the phone. 91

“What is it Mama?” I asked my heart pounding in my chest. 92

“Tim was in an accident. He’s okay but they’re asking that I come down to the hospital and sign some things,” Mama answered calmly, already gathering her things. 93

I sucked in a breath and tried to remain as calm as she was. Tim was okay. Mama said so. I repeated this to myself as I tore back out to the bunk house and yanked on my jeans, then tore back out and jumped in my truck. I started it and pulled it up to the porch, with out questioning me Mama climbed in the passenger seat and I took off as fast as the rutted dirt road and my protesting truck would allow. 94

Mama and I were silent on the way to the hospital and we both climbed out quickly when I parked. Once inside a pretty young nurse talked to Mama while I paced the waiting room. Finally the nurse pointed down a hallway and I followed Mama as she strode down it. 95

“They got him in a room for observation,” Mama explained as she counted off room numbers. 96

At a room marked room 39 she stopped and knocked on the slightly ajar door. A grumbled come in came from inside. Mama shoved open the door and stepped inside. I paused at the thresh hold until Mama gave me a look, then I followed her in. 97

Tim was propped up on pillows. He had two black eyes and looked mad as hell. 98

“I hit a ditch and bash my face all up and these idiots think I need to stay over for ‘observation’,” he groaned. “Its ridicules, Mama.”99

“Well what were you doin hittin the ditch in the firt place child,” Mama asked in her hard scolding voice. 100

Tim gave her a sheepish look. Then he seemed to realize I was in the room. He glared at me as he spat his next words, “I was mad and drivin a lil crazy” he said.101

Mama actually sounded mad as she spoke “Now you listen here boy. It’s not her fault you drove stupid and buggered yourself up. You just get over yourself. Now I’m going to do some paper work.” Mama turned to me “Keep an eye on the ole Evil Kenivil will ya?” she asked then with out waiting for an answer left us alone for the second time.102

I stood, shifting my weight from foot to foot by the door. 103

From across the room I heard a dry laugh. Looking up I saw Tim watching me.104

“What?” I asked leveling him with a glare. 105

He gave me a forced lazy smile. “You have my shirt on,” he said. 106

“Mama left it in the bunk house for me,” I told him, hoping he wasn’t mad I was wearing it. 107

He waved a hand to show he didn’t care, then squinted at me with his black eyes. “You don’t got no bra on,” he said his eyes settling on where my bra would go. 108

“No,” I confirmed, crossing my arms over my chest. “I was in a hurry.”109

He grinned a little and I almost forgot about the anger from earlier.110

“Bet you got them silly boxers on under them jeans too eh?” he asked.111

I blushed and nodded. He laughed again but it still wasn’t his laugh. 112

Just then a nurse stepped in. “You ok, Mr. Daniels?” she asked him smiling brightly. To me she said “He might not be himself, we gave him some pretty strong pain meds.” 113

I nodded like I cared but understanding dawned on me. The dry laughter and absence of anger was because he was all doped out on pain pills. 114

I stood silently and watched as the nurse went efficiently about taking all Tim’s vitals. Just as she was leaving Mama came in again. 115

“You need anything before we leave boy?” she asked Tim as he tried to squint up at her. 116

“No ma’am,” he said, slurring his words a little. 117

Mama laughed at him. “Boy it’s a good thing you never got to heavy into the drugs because you’d never be good at them,” she told him.118

He gave that dry little laugh again. 119

“Good night boy,” Mama told him backing towards the door. 120

“Night Mama,” he slurred, “Night Adele.”121

My heart squeezed, hearing his dopey voice say my name. I managed a strangled “Good night Tim,” before high tailing it out of there.122

Once we were back in the truck Mama shook her head. “Boys lucky he didn’t kill himself,” she said, her voice was quiet but I could tell she was a little shook up. 123

I just gripped the steering wheel harder and nodded. 124

Back at the house Mama announced that I was welcome to the house but she was headed for bed. I thanked her but told her I was going too and headed for the bunk house. 125

I thought I would have trouble sleeping in a place so filled with memories but the familiar noises of the farm put me to sleep quickly and I didn’t wake again until I heard Mama ring the morning bell. 126

I smiled, climbed out of bed and hurried to shower then to the house for coffee. 127

Mama and I were both drinking coffee at the table when the truck hauling the first wagon pulled in. I followed Mama outside and stood to the side while she helped the man back the wagon up to the small extra barn where they kept the hay for the two remaining horses left on the farm. 128

The man backed it up and Mama and I unhooked it and he drove away. 129

“Friendly cuss aint he?” I joked to Mama as I climbed up into the wagon. 130

Mama laughed and nodded as she headed into the barn to stack what I was throwing off. 131

We were half way through that first load when I heard the tires on gravel. I paused in throwing the bales to wipe a bead of sweat off my fore head and shade my eyes to see who was coming. 132

What I saw shocked me. Tim was climbing out of the ole Chevy that was now a little worse off than it was yesterday. He parked next to the newer truck he’d left sitting in the drive yesterday and got out. Tim looked a little worse off too. He had on big aviator sunglasses and a baseball hat advertising some horse product pulled low and he was walking a little stiffly. For some reason I found the combination attractive so I looked away quickly and went back to throwing bales to cover it up. 133

With out a word Tim walked over to the wagon, swung up into it and started working right along side of me. I didn’t say anything for fear of setting him off but I watched him throw the bales out of the corner of my eye. 134

The wagon was empty in no time it seemed like. Mama ducked out of the barn and smiled up at us. 135

“Thanks you two,” she said plopping down on the wagon tail gate. I slid down to sit next to her and after a seconds hesitation so did Tim. 136

“Welcome Mama,” I said and Tim nodded his agreement and we were all sat quietly catching our breaths until a two trucks, one with the second wagon attached pulled in. 137

All three of us jumped off the tail gate, Mama went to talk to the man in the first truck and Tim and I stood, shifting uncomfortably. After a few moments the man with the empty truck backed up to the empty wagon. I jumped at my chance to escape the awkwardness and went to hitch the wagon to the back. 138

Once the wagon was hooked up the first truck pulled out and Tim stepped up and directed the second one as the man driving backed it up to the doors, then I unhooked the truck and it drove away. 139

“You want me to stack?” Tim asked Mama, looking a little concerned, though it was hard to tell with the hat and aviators on. 140

“No, that’s ok,” Mama said and I had to laugh as I climbed into the wagon. Mama was probably going on fifty, though I couldn’t be sure because I didn’t dare ask but she looked young and happy to be out working. 141

“Ok Mama, if you say so,” Tim told her, climbing into the back of the wagon. He made it half way up before he wobbled and almost fell. Instinctively I reached out and snagged his elbow to steady him. With my help he regained his balance quickly but I froze when he turned his glasses covered eyes towards me. I could feel the heat radiate off of him and for a split second I couldn’t move. Then his arm muscle jerked under my hand and I dropped it like it was hot coals, taking a shaky breath and a step back as I did. 142

“Thanks,” he practically hissed through gritted teeth. 143

“Welcome,” I responded. Then I added “Are you sure you’re ok to work?” immediately regretting saying it. Even with the hat and glasses I could see him set his jaw. 144

“Yes. I’m fine,” he said coldly, picking up a bale and throwing it. 145

I shrugged like I didn’t care and started throwing right beside him but I watched him out of the corner of my eye and was relieved when he didn’t seem to have any more dizzy spells. 146

After the final bale was stacked, Tim and I climbed out of the wagon and Mama ushered us to the house and ordered us into seats at the table. 147

Inside the cozy kitchen Mama bustled about, first turning the fan on high then setting out glasses and making a pitcher of ice tea. Tim and I sat awkwardly facing away from each other and stiff in our chairs. 148

“You feelin ok Tim?” Mama asked him as if you couldn’t cut the tension in the room with a knife. 149

“Yes ma’am,” Tim answered her pouring himself a glass of tea and taking a sip. 150

Mama laughed and swatted his shoulder as she took the seat between us. “Well then,” she said “Why don’t you remember your manners and pour us ladies some tea.”151

I didn’t look at him but I could almost hear Tim’s jaw clench “Yes ma’am,” he said as he reached for the glasses and poured two more. 152

Mama nodded her approval and thanks as she took a sip. I reached for mine and managed a grunted thanks.153

“So Tim,” Mama began and I could hear trouble in her voice “Are you staying a while too?” 154

“Too?” Tim asked seemingly with out meaning to.155

“Yes sir,” Mama said her eyes twinkling. “Adele here is staying until the end of the week.”156

“What?” Tim and I both exclaimed looking at Mama with alarm. 157

“Del,” Mama said as if this was something we had previously arranged “I talked to Ray again and he said he had things handled at least until Sunday and he agreed you could use a little vacation,” Mama explained calmly not giving me a chance to respond before moving on to Tim. “And you” she said pinning him with a hard look “you haven’t been home in so long you might as well stay a while now that you’re here.” 158

If there was one thing Mama was always good at it was guilt and I could see it working on Tim. As for me, I really could use a vacation but I was not going to be guilted into staying if Tim was. 159

When neither of us responded right away Mama clapped her hands and smiled wide “Great it’s settled,” she said taking a punctuating sip of tea. 160

“No Mama,” Tim said trying to keep his voice firm “I’m not staying. I’ll come back another time to visit.”161

“Nonsense boy,” Mama said in her no nonsense tone. “You’ll stay because I asked you too. Same as Adele who’s over there trying desperately to find a way out of it,” she added nodding at me. 162

“Mama I wasn’t…” I began but she cut me off. 163

“I haven’t had company in a long time and now I have two of my favorite people here with me and I aint letting you leave for at least a few days so you’ll just have to deal with each other for the sake of an old woman,” Mama said, causing both Tim and I’s jaws to snap shut. Mama was still the master of guilt. 164

I glanced at Tim and he had the same grim look of defeat I’m sure was displayed on my own face. 165

I knew I was staying but I gave it one last ditch effort to escape “But Mama I don’t have clothes,” I told her. 166

She smiled “Well darling, Tim needs rest because of the knock he took on the head so why don’t you two go get cleaned up and we’ll have us some lunch then you and I will head into town and get you some, I haven’t shopped in so long I might not remember how, but It’ll be fun.”167

I sighed, “Ok Mama,” and as I stood I think I caught the fleeting of a tug of smile pulling at Tim’s lips, Mama had out smarted us again. 168

“Yes Ma’am,” he said heading for the upstairs bathroom. I nodded to Mama and headed for the bunk house. 169

Once alone in the quiet little bathroom of the tiny house I let out a strangled scream. Damn Mama I thought, it’s only Tuesday how am I going to make it to Sunday on the same farm as Tim. I tried to relax as I pulled off my hay covered and sweaty clothes and started the water. I carefully hung my t-shirt and jeans over the towel bar in hopes that they would air out and climbed in the shower.170

Halfway through the ritual of relaxing my muscles there was a knock on the door. “Yes?” I called hoping it wasn’t Tim.171

It was Mama. “I thought you’re shirt would be all sweaty and gross and we don’t have time to wash it so I had Tim dig through his old stuff and find one that might fit. I don’t have jeans but at least you’re shirt will be clean.”172

I smiled at Mama’s thoughtfulness and at what Tim’s reaction to that must have been. “Thanks Mama,” I hollered “Just leave it on the chair.”173

“Ok,” came the answer and I heard her set it down and leave. 174

I finished showering and toweled off. Carefully covering myself I opened the door and grabbed the shirt. I smiled. It was an old red plaid western shirt and looked like it would fit ok. 175

After drying my hair with the towel and applying a little deodorant I found in the cupboard, I tugged on my jeans then buttoned on Tim’s shirt, rolling the sleeves up past my elbows. Then I turned and surveyed myself in the full length mirror I had hung up before I left. My dirty blonde hair hung in loose waves and framed my face nicely, my face was clean and pretty with out make up, my jeans had aired out and hugged me well and Tim’s shirt, left untucked and the top two buttons undone looked really cute on me. A tear squeezed out of my eye as I thought back to the days where I stole Tim’s clothes because he was my boy friend. I brushed the tear away angrily and marched out of the bathroom and up to the house. I was not going to feel bad for myself. 176

I could smell Mama’s cooking when I walked into the house and it warmed my insides. 177

“Smells great Mama,” I said as I took a seat at the already set table. 178

“Meat loaf and mash taters,” Mama answered stirring the gravy.179

I laughed and shook my head, only Mama could whip up a meal like that this fast. 180

“Still my favorite,” I told her. 181

“Tim’s too,” she answered “He always gets it when we go out when I visit.” She gave a little laugh “Boy’s a charmer he is” she said “always tells me its not as good as mine.” 182

I forced a smile even though Mama had her back to me “That’s Tim for ya,” I said calmly “But I’m sure he’s right.”183

Mama laughed and we lapsed into silence. 184

After a few moments I heard the stairs creak. I stood up and arranged the flowers Mama had on the table for something to do. I involuntary looked up as Tim descended the stairs. What I saw took my breath and he paused as his eyes landed on me as if I’d done the same to him. He had on a fresh pair of tight faded Levi jeans and a smoke blue t-shirt that brought out his eyes even with the dark bruises around them. He was 6 feet of hardened cowboy and he looked every inch of it. His jaw went a little slack and I realized I was leaned over the table and where I’d left the buttons undone on his shirt had opened a little and he was getting a good look down my shirt. Not wanting to make a big deal out of it I straightened up and sat back down as calmly as my burning cheeks would allow. My movement seemed to have startled him into motion because he stomped down the last steps and flopped in his chair with a scowl. 185

“Tim, you be gentle with my furniture” Mama scolded as she took the meat loaf from the oven. 186

“Yes Ma’am” he answered and I snuck a quick look at him to see he was sitting, staring down at his hands in his lap and his ears were a faint tint of embarrassed red. 187

Mama turned back to the kitchen to hide her smile and pulled the meat loaf out of the oven. 188

“Dinner is served” she said using pot holders to carry the pan to the table. Tim sniffed appreciatively, then jumped up and strode over to get the pot of potatoes on the stove top. Mama fussed with clearing a spot and putting a hot pad down for the pan but I saw the smile pull at her lips and knew she was proud of her son remembering his manors. Tim set the pot down and I grabbed the corn off the counter and we all settled in to eat. Mama cut us big slabs of meatloaf, Tim served potatoes and I dished out the corn, none of us spoke more than necessary and for a while all that filled the silence was forks and knives scraping on plates. 189

Finally Mama spoke up, “How’s your farm running Adele?” she asked, cutting her meatloaf. 190

I gave a tiny sigh “It’s going great. I just start colts now. Ray helps me run the place and I love it” I said giving her the basic stuff and trying not to look at Tim at all. I wanted to tell Mama about all the young horses I was training but I didn’t want to talk about it with Tim there. 191

“Well that’s good sweetheart,” Mama said giving me a sly smile. “How are things with Ray?” she asked. 192

I heard Tim’s foot jerk under the table and I didn’t look at him but I would bet money his jaw had clenched. I wanted to jump to my defense and say Ray was just a friend and farm hand and that he was old enough to be my Dad but Mama hadn’t asked anything that truly suggested we were together, she’d just hinted. 193

I searched for a way to clear up how things were and finally came up with “Ray’s a good worker and he has 40 years of knowledge behind him. I love having him work for me” I said hopefully making it efficiently clear that the older man and I were not involved. 194

Mama sent me a frown that said she was disappointed I didn’t go along with her little scheme to see how jealous Tim would get. I shook my head the tiniest bit, hoping to discourage her from any further attempts. 195

Mama was quiet for a minute then went on with the questioning, this time staying away from my personal life. “How much room you got over there?” she asked and I found myself thinking how odd it was that this family that had pretty much adopted me in my teen years and had once been the ones to support my ambitions knew nothing of my successes. 196

I smiled proudly “Just 40 acres but we have a 15 stall barn, a small indoor arena and a big outdoor arena and a fair amount of pasture.” I told her “and I’m trying to buy some more acreage.”197

She nodded her approval. “You’ve done well for yourself,” she said. 198

I smiled “thanks Mama,” 199

Mama let us fall into another short silence before she addressed her son. “Tim, I haven’t talked to you much lately. How are things?” 200

Tim grunted around a bite of mash potatoes, swallowed then took his own sweet time taking a sip of tea to wash it down. 201

“Things been pretty good,” he told her with a small smile meant only for her but that almost stopped my heart. “Lessons are going well, work is okay and Bud is doing great.” 202

Mama chuckled, “Such details Tim.”203

He grinned and I about fell off my chair. “Yes Ma’am,” he said.204

I bit my tongue hoping Mama would intervene and keep me from having to voice my curiosity. When she went back to eating I couldn’t help myself. “Lessons?” I asked.205

Mama smiled but didn’t explain for him. Tim gave her the dirtiest look he dared then said “I give roping lessons over at a friends place once a week.”206

“Oh wow, cool.” I said, trying to picture Tim teaching people how to rope. It was odd to imagine but some how I thought maybe he’d be good at it.207

There was a long silence then Mama spoke softly to Tim “You find a horse yet?” she asked. 208

I figured out from his withering glance at her then quickly at and away from me that he really didn’t want to discuss it in front of me. 209

“No Mama and I’m not looking,” he said firmly. 210

Mama nodded thoughtfully “You could always take Beast, Lord knows I’m never going to use him,” she said, meaning Tim’s big grey rope horse. 211

“No,” Tim’s reply was flat and final.212

Again I couldn’t help myself, I had to ask, “Why is Beast still here anyway?”213

“Tim left him when he left,” Mama said for once not elaborating. 214

I felt my jaw drop and turned slightly to stare at Tim. The Tim I knew would have never left his horse. 215

He stared right back at me as he spoke, keeping his voice even, “I don’t rope anymore so I didn’t need him and he’s better off here.” 216

I forced my jaw shut, turned back away and for the remainder of the meal we were all quiet. 217

When we’d finished eating Mama waved Tim upstairs and her and I cleared the table, both of us humming along to the radio in the corner of the kitchen. 218

As I dried and put away the last pot Mama undid her apron and announced she was going to freshen up then she’d be ready. I nodded then sat back at the kitchen table to wait. 219

I heard the step at the top of the stairs creak and looked up to see Tim coming back down. He looked right past me and kept going straight to the kitchen sink. With his back to me I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. His body language gave him away; he had something he wanted to say. I watched as he got a glass of water and pills from the drawer by the sink and downed both. Then he turned around and fixed me with a stare. I could see him struggling to find the words he wanted to say but I refused to look away. Finally, after a long moment he shook his head, turned and walked back up the stairs. 220

I sagged with a sigh of relief. I had no idea what I’d say if he figured out what he wanted to. I had no idea how to handle anything that had to do with the tall dark handsome and angry cowboy that had once loved me. 221

Mama and I decided to take her little SUV to town because it was better on gas mileage and I drove. We sang along to the radio but didn’t talk all the way to town but it was a comfortable ride. 222

“Where to first?” I asked Mama when I reached the only stop light in town. She motioned right and I flicked on the blinker. 223

“How does Allen’s sound?” Mama asked as the light changed and I turned. 224

I grinned, Allen’s was a little country store that sold jeans boots and western shirts, along with tack and feed. “Sounds good,” I replied turning into the parking lot. 225

Within fifteen minutes Mama had drug through racks of Levis and Wranglers and come up with five pairs of jeans she wanted me to try on. 226

“Go try those while I find you some work shirts and something cute to wear Saturday,” she ordered. 227

“Saturday?” I asked, totally apprehensive. 228

“Just go,” Mama said shoving me towards the newly redone dressing room in the corner of the small store. 229

I rolled my eyes and went. I’d figure out what Mama was up to later. 230

I had on trial pair of jeans number three when Mama came back. “Whooee,” she said smiling mischievously “Cant wait to see Tim’s face when he gets a look at you in those.” 231

I laughed, “I’m sure.” I looked at my self in the mirror and had to laugh again. Trial jeans number three were pre faded and had a slightly old look to them but it worked. The part Mama was probably referring to when she mentioned the look on Tim’s face was probably the fact that they looked as if they were painted on me. They weren’t just tight; they hugged every curve of my body from waist down. I spun around and watched myself in the mirror and my grin stretched. I met Mama’s eyes in the mirror, “You’re bad,” I told her, laughing. 232

She returned my laugh and shoved a few shirts at me. She had chosen three fitted western style shirts and I rolled my eyes. I picked a light weight brown one with flowers stitched into it out and handed the other two back. 233

Mama scoffed as she accepted the shirts and I smiled. “We’ll stop over at Wal-mart and get some t-shirts,” I told her calmly. 234

That made her roll her eyes but she nodded agreement and then a sly smile appeared on her face. I gave her a puzzled look then followed her gaze.235

She was looking over my shoulder to wear there was a rack of “dress clothes.” I laughed. These weren’t typical dress clothes; they were redneck bar hoppin, square dancing, after the rodeo party, dress clothes. I followed Mama as she walked over and picked through them. Pretty soon she turned and held up a short denim skirt. I laughed again. 236

“You’re kidding?” I asked, still laughing. 237

“Nope,” she said handing the scrap of jean material to me. I rolled my eyes and followed her down the isle. Mama smiled as she handed me another skirt. This one was a little longer but had a slit up one side. The slit was laced with leather but that didn’t cover anything. I stifled another laugh, letting Mama have her fun even though I couldn’t wear these. 238

Her final selection was the longest yet. It would come down to about two inches above my knee, and I had to admit it was pretty. It had thin leather woven through the bottom hem and a design stitched in brown thread on where the left thigh would be. 239

“Try these on,” Mama ordered. 240

“Oh come on Mama,” I resisted, “When am I ever going to wear this? Let alone in the next four days?”241

“You never know. Now try them on or I’m buying them all” she said in her best scolding tone. 242

I rolled my eyes and drug the skirts back into the dressing room. I tried the longest on first and Mama whistled when I came out. I grinned. It was kind of fun to act like a normal girl for once, instead of the hard working Just-as-tough-as-the-boys-girl I had to be most days. I glanced in the mirror and admired myself. The skirt did look good. It fit me well and Tim’s shirt hung just at the waist line. 243

“Well now,” Mama said giving me a knowing look. 244

“Okay fine,” I laughed “I’ll buy this one.” 245

“Correction,” Mama said smiling, “I’ll buy that one and all the jeans.”246

I protested but Mama ignored me and went about collecting the jeans, the one shirt and the skirt. I clenched my jaw and followed her to the register, where no matter what I said she paid for them.247

The next stop we made was the Wal-mart supper store on the other side of the red light. I bought a package of each white and black t-shirts and a few bras and underwear and socks and called it good. But Mama had other plans and drug me towards the make up, where she insisted on buying me three colors of nail polish and a whole set of make up. 248

“Mama you know we could have just drove the half hour to my house and picked up my stuff,” I told Mama feeling a little guilty as we piled back into the SUV249

“But what fun would that be?” Mama asked, totally unfazed. 250

I shook my head and climbed into the driver’s seat. Mama had always liked to spoil me but now that I wasn’t Tim’s girl friend it didn’t seem right. 251

I’d driven about a mile when Mama spoke “quit sulkin,” she scolded “I enjoyed it and I like buying things for you.”252

I smiled “thanks Mama.” 253