She woke up. The spot next to her was empty, the sheets crampled up by her nightly movements, but untouched by him. It had been a long time since she last woke up next to him. Her arm stretched out, her fingers glided over the cold mattress.1
She turned over and looked at the alarmclock: 3:42 AM. The past few months had been sleepless ones and it seemed tonight wouldn't change that. Her throat was dry and her eyes were sore, both tormented by the lack of sleep. She missed his warm touch and his sweet words. She missed seeing him smile when the first thing he saw in the morning was her sleepy face. 2
Lately they barely spoke with each other. Their conversations consisted of one-sentence questions, mostly hers, and mumbled answers, mostly his. They had grown apart, only held together by warm memories. 3
She got up and walked to the kitchen to get some water. The TV was still on in the living room; he had fallen asleep on the couch again. The room was a mess. There were clothes everywhere, dirty dishes covered every table in the room, reinforced by used and stained coffee mugs. Only the coffeetable in front of the TV was free of them, but a 4 month old newspaper had demanded its spot on it.4
She looked at him, the TV glow gave him a chilling transparent look. His brown hair had turned grey over the course of years, his smooth skin wrinkled by a life filled with hardships. His once mighty and handsome eyes were now closed in a deep coma. She walked over to him and took in the sights of his aged features. A few minutes passed and she gave him a kiss on the forehead. Even the touch of his skin was no longer the same as before. 5
She sat down on the ground, next to the couch, and caressed his faded hair. “Why won't we talk anymore?” she whispered into his ear. She waited, but he didn't respond, not even a flinch. The deep rest had taken him away from her. After five minutes she couldn't take the absent silence anymore and she got up.6
A sigh, followed by a slow pace, led her to the kitchen. She took a glass from the stale brown cabinet above the sink and filled it with water. As she took a sip, the cooling water ran down her throat, soothing the dry night away.7
Slowly, she walked back to the bedroom. She sat down on the bed and put the glass of cold water on the nightstand, right next to both their weddingrings. Another glance at the alarmclock: 4:03 AM. 8
She picked up her ring and looked at it. It was still warm. Even after 22 years the inscription inside hadn't faded; forever yours – john marucci. She smiled, reminiscing about the happy couple that got married on March 3rd, 1986. The happiest day of her life, and his probably too.9
The memories of that day were still fresh, much like the inscription on the ring. Their first dance as husband and wife was to Ben E. King's "Stand By Me". His arms were around her waist, their bodies close together, filled with pure joy. She remembered the steady beating of his heart as her head rested on his chest. Oh, how she loved that sound, the feeling of the beat to her life pounding through her soul.10
She put her ring back on and picked his ring up. It was cold. The inscription on it was almost the same as hers, though slightly faded; yours forever – maria marucci-mcavery.11
“What happened to us?” she sighed. A tear flowed down her cheek and fell on her trembling hand. Soon after, another followed. “Oh, John...” 12
And then the tears just wouldn't stop.13
4:51 AM. She woke up once more, after she had cried herself to sleep. Her eyes had dried out, there were no more tears left to cry. For tonight. The moist on her cheeks had cooled, her red eyes swollen. It had become a nightly ritual and it had almost reached its ending. 14
His ring was still in her hand, clamped between her fingers, unwilling to let go. She had desperately tried to warm it, but the stonecold ring wouldn't budge. 15
She put the ring back on the nightstand and returned to the living room. The TV was still on, but he wasn't there anymore. She looked around the room, but couldn't see him anywhere. “John? Where are you?”16
The kitchen and hallway were empty too, he was nowhere to be found. Back in the living room, she noticed the newspaper on the coffeetable was now opened, set to page 9. She sat down on the couch and looked at the newspaper in front of her. 17
DRUNK DRIVER HITS COUPLE IN CAR ACCIDENT, HUSBAND DIES 18
“Oh yeah,” she whimpered, her voice broken. 19
“I forgot.”
Author notes
This is an idea I came up with quite some time ago, but never felt like writing. It's inspired by the videoclip of Katy Perry - Thinking Of You and a little bit by The Sixth Sense. To be honest, I have no clue what the videoclip is about, but I saw a few scenes from it and this is what popped into my head.
For those that didn't get 'it': The man is not a ghost, she's imagining all of it. As hinted throughout the story, she's unwilling to let go of her dead husband and imagines he's still in her life. However, he's not actually there, which is why there's no real interaction.
I'm still trying to expand and improve this story a bit, to make it more grasping.
Hope you enjoyed reading. 
A contest entry
- Anything and Everything - CRITIQUE Contest by amanda vampiress.
175 points, ended October 30, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Write whatever you want! by Ranooosha.
100 points, ended October 15, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Untitled... by Mistress Cheetah.
230 points, ended November 21, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
This is a work in progress, please give elaborate and HONEST comments! :D
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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oh awesome
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i like this story...but yeah its short.
Keep writing
Lady Crescencia -
I have to agree with Gary short is better than long for this particular story. Great idea but it does need more to make it emotionally moving. But I like it.
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nice
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I actually really like the idea of the story... I don't think Id bother expanding on it unless you want to completely change the story... as it stands, its just sort of ... a moment... anything longer and your going to have to create new problems for the widow to deal with and a device to allow her to continue to forget(or never remember) and that seems like it would get unwieldy after a while... though if you really want it, go for it (and in that case, Id say the first thing you need is a specific goal or problem for the widow to deal with, either directly or tangentially connected to the deceased husband and/or her delusion)...
meanwhile, you could easily improve what youve already got happening here.
It doesn't need to be longer to "really touch the reader"... always remember "brevity is the soul of wit" and that will never not be true. The correct length for any story is just as long as it needs to be to tell itself and not a letter longer. You could easily cut 20 words from this while actually improving and making it more emotionally provocative.
I generally don't edit other peoples work for free these days so Im not going to tell you what you should change, but if I may offer a few things to think about.... (and several grains of salt to go with them)
1) not every noun is made stronger by giving it an adjective, sometimes its better to save your powerful descriptive words for things that need or deserve powerful descriptions.
2) I get that youre trying to set us up for that sixth sense style surprise, and that the one sided dialogue helps to forshadow the twist... but take some time to think about the kinds of things that people actually say when they are alone and no one is listening... and maybe also about whether all of the dialogue makes the story stronger or not.
Overall, I think all the individual moments are fine, its simply time to go through each sentence and think long and hard about what every single word brings to the table and get rid of the any that dont seem to serve the story.
But I really do like the idea... really.beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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I like the story. Have seen the clip and the Sixth Sense.
The only two things that jarred were: Comatose, and she sat on the ground near the sofa--floor would read smoother, not ground.
Suggestion: If she was in the car with him the forgetting on her part might be better explained. Maybe, she suffered some kind of head truama and is recovering from it?
The title works with the story but, not as a whole. Unless she's fickle and she doesn't seem to be, why would she forget the love of her life?
Her seeing him in the living room and not in the bedroom with her seems skwered somehow. Had she gone to sleep with him by her side, and awakened alone would make more sense to me. Which would lead into the last scene when she goes into the livingroom looking for him and sees thew newspaper & heading on it.
Overall a good story and other people have pointed out the obvious, I tend to seacrh for awkwardness in word usuage and scenes that don't seem to quite fit.
Feel free to delete this comment if it is not agreeable to you.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Here's a bit more:
P4...Why do you need "...got up and?" Why not just say: "She walked to the kitchen for water"
If she WALKED...we KNOW she must have got up!!!! Do you see?
And why "to GET SOME?" the word "for" says it all!
You don't need "still" If it was ON...it WAS "still" on!!!! See?
Again: "Clothes everywhere." Lose "there were..."
What do you mean by "reinforced?" This word does not belong. Do NOT EDITORIALIZE! Don't interpret and explain to the reader. Let the reader figure it out! Just describe the scene. Don't tell us what to make of it!
"...TV was free of them...WHERE a 4 month old newspaper etc." (Lose the "but a") Again, this is subtle, but the word "but" is editorializing...You are injecting your own interpretation. Just report the facts! Lol!
P5 I would lose "chilling." "Transparent" is enough. Don't interpret your adjectives...and NEVER use two in a row! It indicates that the writer has not really found the correct one!!
Now, more important here...you speak of "hardships"...but reveal none of them. No good. This is called EXPOSITION. No good. You must SHOW or reveal what these "hardships" were...dramatically. You can't just "tell" the reader that they occurred. You need more to SHOW a story than merely TELL it!
Again, altho they are somewhat separated, "mighty" AND "handsome" seem a bit much to swallow. One would have been more than enough.
"Deep coma?" (I take it from the end of this piece that she is seeing the guy when he was hurt...but this doesn't do it. You can't SUDDENLY have the guy is a "deep coma" IN THIS CONTEXT. It doesn't make sense...doesn't quite come off. It IS confusing!
You should re-work this...the idea is GOOD!
Sonmehow you've got to bring the SCENE back to make it clear where the woman WAS when she kissed him in his coma. This isn't always easy. Work on it. It should be seamless...but at the same time, it should be apparent and CLEAR.
Lose "as before." ("no longer the same as" contains this information!)
Morelater...but I must get THIS in: Your final line: "I forgot" is a bit weak and stretches credibility. She didn't really forget! No one could quite FORGET this trauma! Re-work this.
GA
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Just a few comments to begin...
Just as I go along...some technical points:
P1..."crampled" = crumpled (also you don't need the extraneous word "up"...this is inherent in "crumpled."
"by her nightly movements"...try to keep phrases like this simple. Less awkward. Make it: "where she had moved" (it would be understood that it was "at night" or at whatever time she had slept.)
Again, on the EXTRANEOUS WORD business..."since she last woke up next to him"...simplify this to something like: since she woke (or had awakened) next to him...or even "with him there."
"Glided over." This is somewhat awkward. Why not just say "her fingers TOUCHED the cold sheets on the mattress. It is just as effective. We get the picture. Always strive to be simple...economical!
P2..."turned OVER and looked at"
Try: "she turned to look at" (the "and" is cumbersome and tedious. This is ONE action essentially that you want to describe, not two!
"sleepless ONES"...just sleepless is enough. Watch these EXTRANEOUS WORDS!
Place a period after "sleepless"...then: "Tonight would be the same." Let the reader think why. Finess words like "seem" or "seemed."
Comma after "dry" then "her eyes sore" Forget exessive use of "and" This is already annoying...and cumbersome.
Eyes and throat are not "tormented." Just say ..."because of lack of sleep!"
Again, trim the last sentence to:
"She missed him smiling at her sleepy face." (You don't really NEED all the rest of that sentence! Do you see?)
P3...Lose "Lately" just say "Now" and lose "with each other." With who else? Just say: "Now, they barely spoke." Are you getting my point with the verbosity of this and the extraneous verbiage? Try.
Next line...I would write this way: "One sentence questions...mumbled answers."
WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED? This is sufficient information...AND much more dramatic sounding! (BTW...It really doesn't matter whose questions and whose answers. Does it?
It is now also OBVIOUS that they had "grown apart." Of course! So, you ought only say: "They were held together only by their warm memories." I use the word "their" here because otherwise the "warm memories" would suggest to the reader that he was about to learn them. For now, let's just KEEP these in the heads of the characters.
I'm going to file these now...in hopes that the suggestions help and you see where I'm "coming from." Also...Digest this. If you need more...I'm happy to help.
G
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While the ending was decent the story itself was rather slow, and I felt nothing for the women what so ever. I had figured that the man was dead (either a trick of her mind that he was there, or she had his body -as some deranged wives have been known to do-) when you called his eyes comatose and I spend the remainder of the story simply waiting for the conformation of my theory. The writing itself isn't bad, the story just lacks any kind of a hook. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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Honestly, i loved the plot. There is some intersection of chronology i notice - which you used to heighten the impact of the ending and that worked perfectly. I think a few words used as adjectives seem misplaced. It may be a particular style you follow. Unsure. As this is the first story of yours that i have read. And moreover the plot makes up for even these small points i believ. Looking forward to more of such stories!!
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Haha, that was pretty funny and sad at the same time. The twist at the end was great... most people will remember their husband dies in a car crash. Nice job and thanks for entering.
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OMFG! I love this! It's so sad and it's better than sixth sense to me!!! ^w^ Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest!1
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The owner of the contest(ranooosha)
hi, this is a verry good story!!
and i'm serious!
when the contest will end maybe you be the winner!
byebeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you! I just expanded the story, so if you want to read it again before you judge, that would be nice.
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I thought something was going on when he didn't react to her kissing him at all. Mostly people don't completely ignore others, but it still didn't give away the ending. Very well done twist.
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Oh my goodness. That was a blow at the ending. I didn't expect it in the least. I didn't get the part where you described her kissing him though. Overall, it was an excellent story!
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i just watched the 'Katy Perry - Thinking Of You' and i understood what it was about, she fell inlove with a guy and he went to war and died so she got married to a diff guy and she was not happy with him and she basically saying shes always thinking of the guy that died at war and she will never get anyone like him again.
thats right, im deep -
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Haha no... Her husband died in the car accident, but she forgot that. That's why she felt they had grown distant and how he doesn't respond to her (she's just imagining his presence). Then when she goes to the living room the second time, he isn't there anymore and she reads the news article about his death again. That's when she remembers that he died.. hence the "I forgot" part.
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hahaha i got that part i realised dat after i read it the 3rd time but then i went to the katy perry video thing and watched it on youtube and u said u didnt understand what dat was about and i was telling u what it was about lol
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Oohh lol! I misunderstood your message then xD Thanks for explaining
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lol its ok, no probs
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thats really good! im interseted in finding out what she forgot! good work!!
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wow.this is realy good start.I hope you'll right more.keep it up.
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Before I read your author's notes, I was going to say "Sixth Sense."
Then, after reading the first paragraph of your AN, I nodded and went to watch Katy Perry's videoclip. Then I was going to ask what the hell it was about, but I read the second paragraph of your AN and nodded again.
And now all that remains is for me to say:
Dude, most excellent!
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Good story
I like the plot of this story. I was thinking it might be interesting if she died in the accident too and just didn't realize it yet.
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moving
Yours forever,
Well done you should continue on with it would make a nice screenplay.
A good read.
peace
wmmelvinbeginning: 5, ending: 5.
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Well Done!!
You did great!
Your story is great for a first draft...
You might want to fix the story line..
Overall, it was really nice!
keep postin'
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That...was amazing. You did good, and there weren't spelling errors. Only words that are together. But, that was good. I had my friend read it too, and she loved it. :]
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oh so her husband already died..
then she was conversing with a ghost..well I think this could be come intresting if you elaborated a bit more on the story line
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