Thoughts On My Creator: As Told By Elaina

There is always a time in a person’s life when they question their existence and their creator at that. For some, God is their creator, while some believe in both the God and Goddess being their true mother and father and others are just unsure. As for me, I don’t think I’ll ever understand my maker or the twists and turns they have thrown at me in life, and while I may not fully agree with some of these choices, pulling through them has, in my opinion, made me a better person whether others agree with me or not. 1

Some say their creators don’t want their “children” to suffer, but I do have to beg to differ. I couldn’t fight what was being planned out for me, and it seemed as though my life was being written and I had no option on anything; what I could do, say, or decide, it all seemed set in stone before I had any say in it whatsoever. My creator doesn’t seem to make me always suffer, they have a good heart…somewhere, but it is one of those things that you can’t help but wonder about, the question of “Why do they do this to me?” I suppose this is a question I’ll never get answered.2

My life hasn’t been perfect that’s one thing I know for sure. While I have stated that all of the heartbreaking and horrifying experiences have developed me into who I am, I can say I never will entirely appreciate them. It is true without them I would be a completely different person with a different mind set on life and probably not doing the things I am currently doing, but some of the experiences in my life I know I could have lived without. Some of my fears are the issue here but it seems they are something that will never truly go away.3

I know I’m not the only person with a phobia. Most people have them don’t they? Small to a point where it is laughable or huge where psychiatric intervention is needed. I’m somewhere in the middle; I have Nyctophobia, fear of the dark. I went to a therapist and hell if that did anything. It happened when I was younger, my father took my on a trip to Egypt for one of his many archeology digs and I got lost in a tomb for five or six hours, lights when out, snake tried to bite me, fuck if that wouldn’t make you scared of the dark I don’t know what would. I still can’t go to sleep at night without medicine, but therapy didn’t help the matter. I sit at night in bed in fear thinking sometimes that my creator just loves to see my go through this every…single…night for no reason, when I’m studying abroad (and just recently too) if I am rooming or staying with a friend it is even worse. They ask why I panic and I just smile and say it’s all in their heads (that didn’t go over too well with a friend of mine). 4

I seem to complain quite a bit about my creator it seems, but I have to thank them for making me successful in life or at least I live comfortably and where I want to be in life at this current time. This may change sooner or later but right now I do thank whatever person/being/thing created me. My job, friends, and personal life may not always go as how I wish I could have planned it and even if I hate many aspects of my own being that doesn’t stop me from being grateful as to what I do have. 5

I suppose I’m just rambling here, but you know sometimes it’s just good to ramble. Probably even this though was planned by my creator, planned out to ramble for…oh however long it takes you to read this. While everything I did explain was only small bits of what I like and dislike about the bat shit crazy creator’s plans for me, it shows how much of a love hate relationship I have established with them. Ultimately, no matter how much I whine, complain or disagree with them, there is always a part of me that shows them gratitude for taking the time out of their day to create me. 6