My head on its side; bent for staring1
Down a hallway lit up by twisted bulb2
And flipped switch. The movie is not my own,3
but I'm still sharing away at what I thought4
I could control without you. My children5
laugh, too young to understand upright6
carved stones or dark rectangles by piled7
dirt, lilies, and false turf.8
The man of god says:9
"Blah, blah, blah, love, and so on...10
Our lord wears all wool equally in quietus"11
The woman next to me leaves a large12
red smudge with botox-ed lips against13
my cold grey cheek under stubble.14
"Better luck with the next one"15
She whispers, dragging a lame leg across wet grass -16
- Under black hat and shook umbrella.17
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Shit, I only understand about half of what I write too.
But your synopsis sounds as good as any to me. -
For me... I see reflection and disconcern with what others think about your life, your writing.....YOU.
So.. we seldom get things right the first time, which may lead to the revealation that things aren't always what the seem. But I've been known to misinterpret writings before, so maybe this time, too??
A good contemplative write, Jeremi.....makes me think (and I'm sure it makes a lot of others think, as well)
I probably understand about half of what you write, but do enjoy it anyway and you're 'what the hell' attitude...reminds me a bit of Julia Child
Dee
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Somehow, I dont find this piece depressing at all. I find it honest and real. You just can't have reality without a touch of sorrow in the mix. Pretty isn't always sane and sanity is certainly not always pretty. It is quite stark much like your poem.
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Good
We all die a little until we die a lot. -
That makes us even, I don't think you want to read about what I think about the subject of your contest.
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Very depressing indeed.
For some reason I don't think you want to read about what I think of the subject of your story. I'll just say that you have expressed your (?) feelings and thoughts very well. Quite touching at the point to make some readers uncomfortable.
I noticed that the first words of line two and three are capitalized while the others are not.
Thanks for this read and success with everything you do! -
it is always interesting to me to find a writer who can take a jumbled up life, full of havoc and possibly discontent and create a piece that touches on the raw nerves of the readers soul.whether based on true thoughts or feelings, you have a gift for kixking us in the teeth with your work and yet, it seems, it somehow makes you more real and vulnerable...whatever the mystery, perhaps some day the name Horus8 will be synonomous with a legacy of words that inspire and fuel another generation.or maybe a good therapuetic antidepressant would help take the sting from life...? hugs
freda -
I see you are still greatly melacholic poet... It would seem, that whatever was prevelant then, to cause such grief, you cycle similar levels of feeling today. Does it help? Is it effective to channel through? For myself, I'm not a real poet. In that I mean, I had my reasons for staying at this site when I normally would have left long ago, so I 'mimic'd' a poet. I became one in shadow form. To write brings me no relief, but I think it's different for you. For myself, I'm a sculptor, and there are times I've found that to help.
As for this piece itself, it's interesting. I've not seen it before. I like the way you angle things. Straight forward tends to dull my senses... but you like to 'tilt your head' and speak, so I'm curious what you will say. You are a little vague and hazy in this piece. You are concealing much. True, you set the mood and the end circumstance are more then blaringly apparent. But time and reason are long in coming and ultimately lost in your depressed haze. Perhaps that's the point... or maybe it just became it.
Edited on Oct 18, 9:54 p.m. because ''. -
Wow.. Different.. I like the way you think though, as it makes me think as well. Good luck in th eocntest with this. Athena
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