my story

So there is a boy at school. Or maybe I should start with me. I’ll just go with him, I assume more about him then I know about myself.  So he was the classic first love, fairy tale beginning, and love at first sight. Now I knew that I wasn’t the best girl in school so I kept to myself about mostly everything.  I did leak to my friends about my adoration. They were the best of friends and like I half heartedly hoped they made a move for me.  So I guess I didn't’t exactly hide my feelings that well, I could tell from his last note.  He dressed like the typical “reject, goth, punk, skater” and he had the typical actions of one (then). He has a record, or so I’ve heard. Supposedly he was expelled for throwing a book at his (and mine) social studies teacher.  I’m not to sure I believe that because when someone asked him about it in our science group (now). I liked him regardless; all that I heard of him was just stored in my memory as miscellaneous. He had a lot of friends. His best seemed to be, I’ll call him robin, the kid he’d hang out with all the time.  He seemed so happy, which I automatically admired, along with a sense of humor. But he went threw a lot of changes. He’d dress like the typical label and then switch to something completely different, one day “goth” next “punk” then “ghetto” and so on. The changes didn’t bother me as much as the way his look changed. I don’t mean the way he looked; I mean the way he looked at me. His stare turned from friendly and comforting to something as if to say “what do you think of me now?” and that hurt me. 1

It was 6th grade and the best year of my life. I’d made a new beginning along with an end. I’d severed all ties with my memories in grammar school. I had started making friends. I loved being around them, even in the rough times. I could say I was truly happy for once in my life. I’d been blind to everything before; fads, groups, music, friends, everything. All of world seemed to come into view after I saw him. My back yard was no longer the world, but instead he was.  Now this was all before he began the changes. I’d see him, and would only be able to stare. So after a while one day in our science class (that we had together, we also had lunch and gym) we got to talking about music. So far then I’d owned 2 cds (nickelback-silver side up and good charlotte-the young and hopeless) and which ever one of my brother’s cds I had pleaded for him to let me borrow. He was into the sex pistols (I had no clue who any of them were except nirvana), the ramones, dead kennedys, and so many others I couldn’t remember.  Then I provoked him ( I liked the way that sounded ) by going up to him at his locker after science when he was getting his stuff to get the hell out of there along with the other 5 hundred students. I’d gone over to my friends locker, which happened to be across the hall from mine and next to his, so I went over and made like I was talking to her when I asked her to dare me to talk to him (that was the only way I would ever do anything, I had to be dared). She said sure and I turned around and told him how he drew the nirvana smiley wrong (he forgot the tongue and cheek lines). My part had been played and I was now off to bask in the adrenalin I had pulsing through me and wonder what things he’d been thinking. I didn’t even realize what a fool I was being.2

So I guess after a while he figured out that I liked him. He asked me out, in a note. I wrote a note back saying yes and what not. So we are “boyfriend and girlfriend” over night, next day “cut”. I won’t deny it was my fault, but it was over something foolish and I was too embarrassed to tell him. I had been grounded from the phone line, so no calls and no online. He told me to call him, I didn’t.  I had completely and utterly destroyed my own life. But then the chance came again.  He had asked me out. I said yes with a swelling heart. But it would soon burst. I blame myself for all of it. He’d call and I’d get so nervous I wouldn’t pick up. I did call him one time but my mom had suddenly felt pressured to harass me about who was on the phone in a fit of parental responsibility.  So I’d have to wear her off, and by the time shed leave he’d already said what he wanted and waited for a response. A response I was unprepared to give. It wasn’t fair to him. I realize that more now then ever before. Having to face him day by day, remembering and pounding the lesson further into my memory, cracking my self esteem into worthless shreds. I couldn’t and still can not piece myself back together. I still come upon gaps where feelings are missing from time to time. 3

I miss him so much. Yet, I don’t even have the courage to look into his eyes any longer.  I used to say I missed the comfort in being sad, when really I felt sadness no matter what in ever aspect of my life.  If only I could say now that any part of the ashes I’ve burned over in my mind, of memories of him I want to hold but know that if I do it will only make the goodbye longer and more painful, left any comfort for me to hold…..4

I can't even think back to then. Remembering how happy i was and how sad. I can't even speak. I don't hear anything anymore. I wont listen. 5

They'd tell me if it was meant to be then set it free. I let go and i couldn't regret anything more.      6

I tell this to you so that you may never let go of your own. 7

Hes back. The first day of school. I* walked into the building with hope of a new beginning with new friends and new memories to bare. I was nervous to see if he'd show. He didn't, or so i thought. I walked into fifth period wanting nothing more then to just sit. I rummaged my way, nearly swiping some new kid. I walked as fast as i could to a seat in the back, but they were taken so i sat where ever i could. I didn't know anyone there, at least that i could talk to without feeling guilty for talking to them only to say i had a friend int he class. So i sat anywhere. I looked for the new kids entering the room. I saw the teacher and i thought I'd seen her before, but i wasn't sure where. She already had a seating chart ready for where we  were to sit. The kid i nearly swiped was sitting with their back to me near the back of the room, in one of the seats i wanted. I felt bad, i probably scared the poor kid, but oh well, it wouldn't be the first time.  8

So she began naming names for where kids were to sit, i started looking around to see if he was there. I recognized a few people; Emily, Elisa, and a couple others that's names slipped from me. I started looking for new faces to possibly befriend. I saw a face that looked vaguely familiar, but didn't fit the memory completely. I looked a little closer and there he was, the kid i swiped. I could feel the butterflies flutter and it felt like I'd eaten cotton that was tickling my inerts. My face flushed and my mouth was dry. I was scared shitless. 9

He'd noticed as well. His cheeks were probably as red as mine. I kept stumbling over the fact that i nearly hit him. I'd actually come that close. I didn't even touch him when.....back then. I'd had coffee that morning so i was wired and if provoked to do so i could spit out a million words a second. He called my name and i looked up saying in a choked voice "here". She then told us to all get up. About 2/3rds of the class stood. I sat there waiting for her to get to my seat and tell me to move so some other kid could sit there. I tried as hard as i could not to blush any more but in the end it was unavoidable. She got o my seat and i got up and jingled my way to the side (i had a lot of paperclips and a couple key chains on my backpack that emitted a light jingle). I knew every one was staring at me. I felt like they all knew why i was so red and even more shy. I made no eye contact for the rest of the day. I couldn't, every time I'd to to look in there eyes I'd see him.10