Ellie (standing title)

This kind of thing was never easy, no matter how many times one went through it. It sucked each and every single time. But somebody has to do it, and unfortunately that somebody, in this case, was me. 1

I double checked, triple checked, ran the test over again twice just to be sure I wasn’t wrong. And I wasn’t though I would have given anything to be, just this once. Then, when it was clear to me that the results weren’t going to change any, and that ignoring them would do no good whatsoever, I lifted the receiver from it’s cradle on the wall (literally cradle, it was a very pretty shaped wall phone) and dialed the number found on the computer. A cell phone number. 2

After four rings, I about hung up when the voicemail kicked in, informing me that Ellie Rego was either away from her phone, in school, or doing something otherwise more important than talking to me and to leave her a message if I thought it would be worth my time. Teenagers have the most interesting voicemails, I’ve learned. 3

So I left her my name and the reason I was calling then hung up. Glancing at the clock hanging on the wall in my office, I realized she must have been in school and hoped that she had put her phone on silent so I didn’t get her in trouble. That was the last thing she needed right now, on top of what all else was coming. But part of me was glad that she had been in school when I called to call her back into my office. She would at least have a few more hours of peace before having to deal with her newest of atrocities. Some girls just have to go through too much. 4

And it wasn’t long before she called me back. 5

Later that very same day, about 5:00 actually, Ellie came strolling in, alone as she had that first time coming here three weeks ago. She looked just as typical as any of our other clients; ripped jeans, hoodie, hair pulled up in a loose bun. Except Ellie always made sure she was covered completely from shoulders to thighs, even in boiling hot weather, and her face was always free of makeup. I knew she hadn’t always been that way. 6

I actually knew quite a bit about Ellie. Though she had only just come into existence in my life a mere three weeks ago, I was closer to Ellie than I had been to any other girl or woman that came here. I had heard some sad stories, but Ellie’s took the case. And I had been in this line of business for five years. 7

She talked to me so much easier than some other patients did. She seemed eager to share her story. Well…eager isn’t exactly the right word. More like if she didn’t get it out somehow she would spontaneously combust from holding in the weight of it. A feeling I completely understood though I knew at the same time I never really would understand. Ellie talked, sometimes for hours on end, as if I were a counselor or psychiatrist. And though the professional thing for me to do would have been to have assigned her to a real one, I didn’t have the heart. I was who Ellie wanted to open up to, so I let her. She refused to see or speak to any of my other co-workers, and on those rare days I wasn’t at the clinic she would simply turn and walk out, return the next day. I tried to always show up to work on days Ellie was scheduled to come in. 8

Oh yes, I knew quite a bit about Ellie. Even more than she knew about herself at the moment.9

“Good evening, Kim,” she greeted me. Dr. Kimberly, my nametag called me. Though I hardly qualified as a real doctor most days. 10

“Good evening, Ellie. How are you feeling?”11

“Horrible, as usual,” she said, with a wicked grin. Her baby teeth had finally all fallen out, at fourteen, and one of her two front teeth was missing. It had fallen out three days before and I still was barely used to the sight of it. “But I’ve been worse. And yourself?”12

“I’ve been better,” I admitted and stopped myself. I couldn’t let my personal feelings about the young woman affect my work, and I knew what I had to say next would affect her for the rest of her life, no matter what she decided on afterward. I sat down next to her on my roll-y chair and took her hands in mine. 13

“Ellie, your test results came out positive,” I said gently. She nodded her head slowly. 14

“I kind of figured that. I’ve been sick the moment I woke up for the past week and some days I’m so sore I barely want to snap my bra. So I guess I was kind of expecting this,” she said slowly. I knew she would take her pregnancy well. Ellie was stronger than she should have to be. And I wished with every ounce of me that I could have just stopped there. 15

“That’s not all, sweetie,” I murmured. She looked up at me, her innocent hazel eyes growing duller by the minute the way they did whenever she reached a truly nightmarish point in the telling of her story. She was steeling herself so as not to break against whatever I had to tell her. And I was steeling myself to be able to say the words without being sick, as I had been once as soon as I got the results back the first time. 16

“When you were attacked that night, one of the three boys that raped you had an STD and you contracted it during their assault,” I explained dryly, fighting past the rising lump in my throat to keep talking without bursting into tears. A moment of silence trailed my words, constricting the air in both of our lungs tighter and tighter so the silence was hard to break. Finally Ellie spoke. 17

“Which one?” It was only a whisper, as was my reply. 18

“Oh Ellie,” I said, bursting into tears at last despite myself. “You’re HIV positive!”19

There was much to be discussed after I finally got out the news about Ellie’s condition to her, but I knew immediately by her reaction that Ellie was not going to be able to talk about it today. Everyone has a breaking point, and at long last I saw Ellie’s. Now, I have seen my fair share of girls completely lose it at finding out they were pregnant or had an STD, even a minor one, but never have I felt as much emotional impact as I did when Ellie sat before me sobbing, heartbroken into my scrubs.20

“You have options, of course, but these are not the most ideal conditions for you to do what you might normally decide on, El,” I said gently. She nodded through her tears. Ellie had made it perfectly clear to me from the moment she set toe in my office that she did not even remotely believe in the freedom of choice and that I wasn’t to touch a hair on her unborn child’s head, if hair was even formed in the womb. I was merely to check for it’s existence and be sure that she would be safe to have it, given the circumstances of her possible conception. 21

In fact, she had only started to tell me about the rape out of contempt for my job. And I admired her spunk for it, as it isn’t everyday a girl walks into an abortion clinic to prove that one of the arguments for abortion (what if the pregnant girl or woman was a victim of rape) wasn’t cause for such a “heinous crime on humanity, child abuse at murderous levels, a sin God surely looked down on above others and men should see accordingly” as she had put it that first day. 22

“It isn’t the baby’s fault. It may not be the mother’s fault, but that doesn’t make it the baby’s either,” she insisted over and over again. And after a bit I gave up arguing, told her I admired her strong opinion, and listened to Ellie Rego’s story, which, several times and in several places, broke my heart. She was the poster child for abortion, and she was turning it down. Yet another reason for me to question my own profession, as if I didn’t already have enough. 23

And here was yet another. Ellie had gotten a horrible disease that could turn into something potentially fatal as the result of a violent and horrible rape crime that happened three times over in the span of two hours. And she had an unborn child growing inside of her that could be affected by the disease. 24

“What about the baby?” she asked me finally. 25

“I’ll do everything I can to keep your baby safe, and you won’t be able to have it vaginally either. The fetus will be less likely to contract the disease if you deliver it via caesarean section. But even that isn’t one hundred percent effective,” I answered. She nodded slowly. 26

“You know the really unbearable thing about this, Kim?” she asked finally, before getting up to go. 27

“What would that be, El?”28

“They’re going to spend less time in prison for raping me than I would were I to kill them for doing it. And at the same time they’ve possibly killed me and my child.”29

I stood, stunned at her words as she walked out of my office and back out into the world.