Chronic Death (A Passage)

The cool air fanned my sticky, sweat-slicked skin and blew my hair into further disarray. I stood on the balcony of the high-rise, gazing down at the busy boisterous city, bright with electrical lights glinting in the night. Stars were out. So was the moon.1

"She's dying…" I murmured, as I heard his inhumanly quiet footsteps approach, "…again."2

They stopped and I felt the searing heat of his body behind me. His hands came up to rest on my shoulders, rubbing them gently. His touch was comforting.3

"I know," he said gently, "We have to try again."4

"I'm tired Sage!" I said loudly, twisting suddenly in his hold to face him, my back pressed up against the cold balcony ledge, "We've tried! Over and over and over! Nothing works! I just don't know what to do! Every single plan has a flaw – and it always catches us! I don't know how to help her," I sobbed, the frosty air stinging my wet eyes, "I just don't know anymore…"5

His hands dropped, "So you want to give up?!" His voice was quiet but harsh.6

"No!" I wailed, "I don't want to give up, Sage! How could you think that? But don't you see? Every time she dies – and every time we go back to try and find another way to fix it. But nothing works. There is no right answer!"7

"No!" he hissed, "She's your best friend! How can you say that?"8

I gulped cold air down quickly, as breathing suddenly became harder. I clenched my fists with anger. Did he not know how much I cared? How dare he! I felt my chest heaving painfully. The wetness in my eyes threatened to spill over, as I blinked furiously in an attempt to prevent that. The icy wind bit at my skin through my clothes and arranged my hair in a spectacular, tangled mess. I glared at him through slit, red eyes.9

"Don't. You. Dare." I hissed.10

And suddenly the heaving of my chest turned to shuddering. The pain, where my nails had dug into the own soft pads of my palms from clenching too hard, flared. The tears spilled over, hot and streaming, then froze on my face. And abruptly I dropped to my knees as my body shook violently and I wept into my hands.11

In a flash, his arms were around me, "It's okay, it's okay…sshh," he murmured softly, rubbing circles onto my back. He pulled me into his broad, warm chest.12

His sudden warmth was the best thing I thought I'd ever felt – like bread to a starving child. I buried closer, craving it, as my skin thawed and my tears soaked patches into his t-shirt.13

"Ssh…" he whispered, his breath hot against my temple, his large hands still stroking my black hair, rubbing my back.14

As my shuddering slowly reduced to a tremble under his calming touch, I was suddenly extremely aware of how close our bodies were, how awkward our kneeling embrace was, how warm and tingly my body was.15

For a second I didn't want to let go. I listened to the firm beat of his heart, his soft breathing. I relished the warmth of his body, pressing a cheek against his chest. I felt safe in his hold – something I hadn't felt in a while.16

But then his breathing deepened. His heart started hammering the inside of his chest. And his soothing heat suddenly became hotter. I let go abruptly. For a moment he gazed at me – then his arms dropped too.17

"Um…" I began, as I stumbled to my feet, "I…"18

He caught me just under the arms before I fell. I had tripped over my shoelace. I glared down furiously at my traitorous trainer.19

"Are you okay?" he breathed, and I looked up. His eyes held concern, nervousness and something strange. One could almost call it lust. But that sort of thing never happened to me.20

He stared down steadily as I blinked, finding it hard to hold the gaze. Something fizzed in the air and sparked between our faces.21

"Uh…" The word barely came out, if you could even call it a word. My lips parted a sliver involuntarily and my breath escaped in a small white cloud.22

His eyes felt like they were burning a hole through me – as cliché as it sounded, the gaze was smouldering…and getting nearer.23

"Sage?" I murmured, a question. The word was like the spark that lit the fire, and the moment my lashes fluttered against my cheeks in a blink, I felt his hot lips against mine.24

'Oh my God!' The thought raced in my mind.25

His lips moved with a grace, gentle and soft, teasing my shell-shocked, burning mouth. I wasn't used to this. I had never done this before. My mind was panicked.26

His hands moved to my fingers, coaxing them out of their stiffness, and when I squeezed back gently, they moved to my lower back. The touch was electric and his mouth was urging.27

And suddenly my lips responded. They moved with his, slowly, gently at first – I was tense – and then the tip of his tongue just touched the edge of my lip. My body shivered. He pressed himself a little closer.28

My hands travelled up his upper arms, gliding over the lean muscles nervously. I felt him smile against my mouth and then something in me eased. My lips parted just a bit more and my tongue edged out to meet his.29

Oh did that feel good. Every bit of me was burning, just like his body.30

Our tongues darted and danced and glided fluidly like we'd been doing it for years. I felt the neat line of his teeth and the tangy taste of his breath. It was intoxicating.31

I needed more.32

Just like that it changed. My need became desperate and so did the kiss. Our lips moved faster, our tongues almost brutal, out teeth nipping. Our mouths were hot and my mind was swirling. Our hands explored the upper terrains of each other.33

"Oh!" I pulled away abruptly, gasping for a breath. His breathing was ragged too. He looked at me hard, searching. This time I looked back. I saw fear in his eyes.34

"Sam…" he whispered.35

"I'm scared too," I murmured, looking at his soft, wet mouth. All I wanted to do was grab his face and kiss him again. It took ounces of strength to resist.36

"Are we going to do this?" His voice was quiet, nervous.37

"I…" I said, staring back into his eyes, "I don't know."38

My heart was still pounding and I didn't want to let myself think. But I knew. She was dying – Yvonne. Eve. My best friend. His…39

And we couldn't.40

"Sam," he began again, "What are you thinking?"41

I realized I had been far-off and his voice snapped me back. I looked up quickly, then reluctantly pushed away, trying to convey an apology in my expression.42

"Sage," I gulped, feeling myself on the verge of tears, "We…we can't." I searched his face for a reaction.43

Immediately his expression hardened.44

"Sam," he said in a low but strong voice, "I love Eve. I love her to death. Why do you think I'm going through all this? Why are you? But I love Eve, as in platonic. Platonic love. She is not my girlfriend."45

"She loves you Sage. She has for a long, long time. I can't do this to her. It doesn't matter that you aren't, er, labeled as 'together'. But to her, you are hers."46

"Sam!" he said in exasperation, and stepped forward rather menacingly. I shrank back at his expression and when he realized, it softened somewhat.47

"Sage, not now," I mumbled, unwilling to say it.48

'Suck it up!' I yelled at myself, then spoke aloud, "With all this happening…Eve! She is our priority! This isn't the time or the place! We can't just go prancing off together!"49

He paused.50

"Then after?" he said, staring at me hard, knowing I wouldn't be able to answer.51

"That could be a long time away…" I whispered.52

"I'm scared. You're scared. But we're not scared for the same reasons, are we? I do not care how long it takes, but 'after' will come! Will you?"53

"I don't know…"54

"You keep saying that!" he yelled.55

"I don't know what else I can say, Sage!"56

He squeezed his eyes shut, his fists clenching, his frame quivering, his hair stuck to his forehead with sweat despite the cold. His anger and pain and desperation and frustration and resentment and fear all radiated, attacking me like scorching daggers. I couldn't take it – not with my own feelings threatening to overwhelm. The tears were about to drop again.57

"Sam? Sage?"58

At once I looked up and so did Sage. At the sliding glass door to the balcony stood Eve, looking shriveled and sickly pale in her sweat-soaked clothes.59

"Thought I heard yelling?" she half-whispered, half-rasped, looking at us with concern.60

I averted my eyes. I was too scared she'd see it – that I had betrayed her. I couldn't bear that too.61

"I…heard my name?" She stepped out into the biting wind.62

"Eve, you should go back inside," Sage said, stepping forward to help.63

"Why?!" she shouted hoarsely, slapping his hand away, "I'm going to die again anyway, aren't I? Might as well get it done with sooner!"64

"Eve!" I exclaimed, not sure what I intended to say after her name.65

"Oh, face it!" she yelled, clutching at her drab, clammy hair.66

By her movements I knew it was about to happen again. I moved forward to help catch her.67

"Stop it!" she screamed, slapping both me and Sage away, "What's the point? You guys…you can't save me."68

"We're not giving up!" I said harshly. Sage looked at me but I ignored him.69

Eve turned to me, "Samie…it's over. There's no way to help me. I have to die. There's no other way. There is no right answer!"70

My own words spilling from her lips froze me in shock. I stood, staring wide-eyed. She stared back steadily, her manner firm and calm.71

"We knew it would end this way. Been a long time coming," she breathed heavily, stepping closer to me, "Don't cry Sam." She wiped the tears from my eyes.72

I watched her as she teetered on the edge. Her pasty skin flared a slightest pink that I hadn't seen in forever. Then just as Sage leapt forward, she collapsed in a heap in his arms. Her eyelids fluttered and she grabbed my arm weakly.73

"Guys…" she mumbled, "Don't go back…Don't save me…Just let me go…I love – love you…"74

And her eyes glazed over, half-open, focused more in Sage's direction. I stared at her for the space of a heartbeat, her words crashing into me, then looked quickly up at Sage.75

"We have to go," he said, hauling her limp form.76

I nodded. And then we ran.