“Chafie Rose! This is your fault! Every little bit of it! You little bitch look what you’ve done!” 1
Eight year old Chafie sits huddled in the corner of her dark bedroom, hugging her baggy white t-shirt tight to her, sinking away from her fathers drunken banter. 2
“Don’t shy away from me dammitt! You have to learn your lesson! Be a big girl and take it!” 3
Bitter words fall from his alcohol soaked mouth as he latches onto Chafie’s t-shirt, forces her to stand and rips it free of her body with one hand. The 30 something year old man holds his vodka bottle in one hand and forces his daughter to look at him with the other. Bending down to Chafie’s height he looks his daughters trembling form in the eyes. 4
A tear drop falls down Chafie’s small cheek as she hugs her now naked form, her father smiles and lets out the evil laugh lodged in his throat. Standing up to his full height he drops the vodka bottle carefully, throws his head back with laughter and undoes his leather belt.5
“You deserve this Chafie Rose, after all you’ve fucking put me through, you killed your mama. Good girls don’t do that, ya’ hear? So, if you aint a good girl, you must be a bad one. What do bad girls get Chafie Rose?”6
The naked form shakes with tears, “Punished daddy, they get punished. I’m sorry I killed mama, please don’t daddy.”7
“It’s too late for sorry Chafie Rose, you gotta take it now. Nose in the corner.”8
Slowly the little girl turns so her behind is facing her daddy and her nose is in the corner. Her little elbows pull forward so her hands can cover her face, even so, her small form isn’t ready for the first strike.9
“Ahhhhh!” Her scream comes loud and shrill, but drops an octave toward the end. Caught off guard by the first hit of the leather, Chafie cups a hand over her mouth to brace herself for the next strike.10
“Now, what have I told you about screaming Chafie? Hhmm? I was gonna be lenient on you girl, but we just can’t have that.”11
Chafie doesn’t have to look behind her to know why he stopped. Whack! The metal buckle makes hard contact with the back of her legs. 12
The eight year old can picture every alcohol induced expression her father makes, can feel the fierce glare he holds her tight with. Chafie can’t see him and it’s better that way, even so, a chill runs down her back and makes her shiver when he licks his lips.13
She pushes herself farther into the corner, wishing away the bad things her daddy is about to do to her. It isn’t until now that the eight year old starts sobbing uncontrollably. The clang of the metal buckle hitting the floor makes her scream as she silently begs him not to.14
“This is your fault girl, you just remember that. I wouldn’t need you for this if your mama was still alive. This is your duty, you owe this to me for what you did to her. You understand? I’m gonna take it Chafie, I’m gonna take it and there’s nothing you can do about it. No one can help you, no one ever will. You’ll remember me long after I’m gone girl, you’ll remember you belong to me.”15
Chafie feels the blood drip down her naked back, and she not sure why she’s crying anymore. She stares him in the eyes as he talks to her, it’s not hatred there like before, it’s lust. 16
The feel of his hands over her body makes her shiver with disgust, not at him, at herself. Chafie cringes with pain when he pulls her hard down to the cement floor, and nearly screams when he drags her to him by her legs. Tracks of blood are left behind where she once was and become smeared in her golden blond hair.17
The eight year old looks up at her father as he forces himself inside of her, then closes her eyes and blocks him out. She doesn’t want to remember this, she doesn’t want to remember him, or anything about her mama. Chafie Rose doesn’t want to remember anything.
Author notes
Her name is pronounced Chafe-ie. I used option B
EDIT: Her mother died while having her, hence why her father thinks she killed her.
A contest entry
- Broken Promises and Shattered Lives... by IntrepidFantasy.
475 points, ended September 30, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Potential!
In line 4 you need a stronger word than 'latches'.
You have a certain realism here. Chafie feels as though she did kill her mother.
You developed the characters fairly well, but I would have prefered it if Chafie "thinks about" how she 'killed' her mother (perhaps during the rape) instead of you just telling me. Show, dont tell!
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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So sad!
I felt like crying for Chafie.
It's hard to understand that this actually goes on and I know it does cause it's happened to me but this is so so sad yet brilliantly written and described.
Love it, a great read.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Enlighteningly amazing
Very nicely written. What disgusts me is that this stuff actually happens in real life. You portrayed the character of young Chafie very well. It is good to have your audience see through the victim's eyes. You did just that. I can't wait to read other things you have written. Keep up the outstanding work. -
Disterbing
that was almost disterbing. I dont know what to think. I have got a little sister that age and it makes me feel sick. It is very real and you can sort of guess that the mum died in the birth of Chafie before you get to the end but thanks for the note at the end just to certify my thought. Your story should carry on just so you can save the poor child. Either that or write it in your notes that she gets saved in the future to save the tears of delicate or worried souls. Very scary. -
I'm new so I'm fooling around with this site. Your story is the first I've read. It's not bad, it's just a little typical. Horror is my favorite genre and you did a good job of keeping it barely over the line between cheesey and real.
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omg that was horribly sad, it makes it even worse when you think some little kids actually go through that. it was amazingly written. good job. great write.
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This story actually spurred a little anxiety within myself. It is an amazingly written piece it's so believable, I can't see it as just a story. Incredibly vivid, I could picture everything from beginning to end.
On another note, the name you picked for the child is beautiful.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Well for one thing... I like your characters they are well rounded. The story was a bit short but interesting none the less. I really enjoyed reading it.
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Its very dark but well written. Stories like this always concern in two equally dark ways. If this is based upon experience as a child this is horrific and heartbreaking and every part of me wishes this is not the case. The other way it concerns me is if this is purely fiction? Its quiet a disturbing thought that the mind can create such horrific imagery.
I apologize if i offend but that was the biggest reaction i had to this story. -
WOW that was really...
sad but really good in a depressing kind of way.
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Sorry if this appears twice, my computer is being weird. This is so sad! The emotions and characters are real and the description is great. You wrote this wonderfully, it's a truly tragic story.
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very descripitive
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Heartfelt
The story is wonderfully written as it relates to pulling the emotions of sadness, regret and possibly anger in favour of what's happening to the young girl. Your descriptions are well done-not too much and not too little. Your characters are painted just perfect as well. I can know enough of what you give which is good cause physical descriptions and such wouldn't be relevant with the theme in this story. I like it alot. Keep writing more heartfelt stories!
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Wonderfully Horrible
You did a good job of evoking a strong emotion. It can be hard to bear reading something like this. It wasn't corny or overly dramatized. I'm always pleased when a writer evokes an emotion in me (even unpleasant ones), so Kudos for that!
Good use of words: I got a clear audio picture of how these characters sound. Decent use of imagery: Your usage of clothing and objects created fairly clear picture of what was happening, but I'm fuzzy about the physical features of the characters (bearded dad? scraggly hair? unkempt? smelly? clean? well-to-do? in a suit? malnourished child? scarred? pale?)
Only one continuity issue leaped out at me: The belt hit the back of her legs. Even were she on all fours the blood would run down the back of her legs unless she were bottom up, head down, and struck closer to the sacrum.
Some of the structure and punctuation makes the read just a little awkward at times, but it's just in places.
In-all: A good leaf from a larger story. I would be very curious to see where this goes.
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Very sad story, you can really feel the emotion. Amazing story.
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wow its very sad yet captivating .you did a very good job
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T___T
This is so sad. But I like the emotion that you were able to build up in this story. I really felt sorry for the little girl. Everything was nicely placed including the words you used. Overall this is very good. You did a great job. Keep it up ^_^ -
You have good writing ability with very few mistakes, plus good imagery and a feel for character. Also you have tension rising, indicating good plot development. The problem for audience is the graphic and violent nature of the material, which makes it very unpleasant to think about--same is true for a story I've just done. If this were to be a novel with Chafie as your main character maybe it should start later, with her as a teenager but not an ordinary teenager and a scene like this could be one of her memories--but maybe less extensive, just some pieces of the above 600 words, a few sharp pieces of it, not the whole thing. Anyway, keep on writing and developing your talent!
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This is so good, too good. It is horible that such things happen to children, it always hurts my heart to read, or see it in the movie, or read about it in the newspapers (that the most, because that stories are true). No child should ever experience anything like it, no adult either. I like dark, and I like horror, but stuff like this... It's the begining of the nightmares.
Yet, you wrote it so well, and with such a strong emotions. I only can't grasp when did she turn to face him. She was turned with her back, but suddenly there she is, watching him. Oh, maybe it's just my tired brain, it's late in here and I'm too sick to go to bed (coughing is tearing me apart, and I can't stand it). -
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She turns to face him while he's talking to her. I didn't put that in there, but yeah she turned while he was talking. =)
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Wow, bud I love this. Good job on it.
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So sad.
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this is well written! good work
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You did a great of job capturing the emotion in this horrible situation. Very well written. It makes me want to cry.
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forgot the clappy's...
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W-O-W this was so emotional and absolutely horrifying, it gave me chills. The way you enlicit emotion from your readers is amazing. The story is well written, wonderful job writing this.
~Betrayals
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Must say I didn't expect to be reading this,Poor little Girl... You wrote it very well though, a very talented writer I must say.
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Hmm...
At first I was completely intrigue by this. Drawn in, I guess you would say. As I continued reading, I must admit, It got harder and harder to read, cause I couldn't help but see it all playing out in my head. I had to stop a moment, and clear it from my mind for just a few seconds before I continued reading. But I did continue reading, cause I couldn't stop reading it.
You're very descriptive with your words, but not in an overbearingway, which made it more enjoyable for me to read. Also, the almost heart wrenching tone was almost too much to bear, which is exactly what a story of this area needs.
This was good. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
beginning: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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A very moving piece, well written. You should definitely continue. It's a story that needs to be told.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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omg!!!
, so sad but so wonderfully written and full of emotion!!! i loved this but then hated that i loved it!!! hope you know what i mean!!!
Schnitzel
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