March 2, 20051
Identity, it’s something that I never really put much thought into. Right now I see myself as a tall, slightly tomboyish, athletic girl who recently broke up with her boyfriend and is now in a relationship with a woman. Although my parents and society might have problems with who I am, I am perfectly happy and comfortable with myself.2
When I was little, being the slightly tomboyish girl that I was, I didn’t have many friends who were girls. This was mostly because I shared many of the same interests the boys that I hung out with. For instance, I liked riding bikes, playing in the mud, climbing trees, playing sports, building things with LEGOS and playing video games. Don’t get me wrong; I loved to play with Barbie dolls but that was all my girl friends ever wanted to do, and after a while it would get boring after a while.3
My appearance as a child was more feminine, but not by choice. My mother, on special occasions, would dress me up and do my hair. Picture days at school were the worst days ever, because my mother would always put me in some ugly flower printed dress with lace and puffy sleeves, then she would curl my hair and put massive amounts of hair spray in it so it wouldn’t go flat. I always felt so embarrassed and uncomfortable when she dressed me like that and it made it worse knowing that I couldn’t do anything about it. Once, my aunt had come over to baby-sit and she decided that she was going to do my hair and make up. She curled and teased my hair then put so much hair spray in it that it didn’t move when I shook my head. Then she brought out the make up; bright blue eye shadow, the mascara, blush and the fire engine red lipstick. It may sound stupid, but it was a very traumatic experience for me to look into the mirror expecting to see my own face but I end up seeing a face totally different from my own. I was extremely upset and ended up crying until my mother came home. Now, because of this, I keep my appearance very simple wearing jeans and a T-shirt or sweats, wearing little to no make up and keeping my hair up in either a ponytail or a bun. 4
Once I got into middle school the relationships that I had with the boys changed. I started to hang out with more girls because not only did the boys have “cooties” but they seemed to be threatened by me because I could do just as well or even better than they could at sports and other activities that they did. But it wasn’t just the relationships that changed I also started to dress differently now that I had more say in what I wore. I started to wear darker colors, baggier pants with shorts under them and baggie T-shirts. 5
Going into high school I didn’t know where to place myself. I never quite fit in, I wasn’t accepted by the guys because I was a girl and I wasn’t quite accepted by the girls because I wasn’t a “ girlie girl”. I played sports, I didn’t wear make up and I dressed more like a guy. But by my junior year I didn’t care any more whether I fit in or not, I had a boyfriend who liked me for who I was and I knew who my real friends were. As soon as I graduated and got into college it felt like I was back to square one. My first semester here I was afraid that I wouldn’t fit in so I felt like I had to be someone different in order for people to like me. I didn’t know who I was any more. 6
In these past two months I have broken up with my boyfriend who I had been seeing for two years and, soon after that, I started seeing a girl that I had met over winter break. It has been a really confusing time for me because all my life I never saw myself being with a woman, mainly because I was brought up in a Christian home and I was taught that being with some one of the same sex was wrong and that I could go to hell for it. When my parents found out about my girlfriend they went ballistic. They started asking me all these questions on how all of a sudden my beliefs had changed and “so are you gay now?” It seemed as though they were forcing me to make a decision as to whether I was gay or straight, they think that all of a sudden because I’m dating a girl I automatically don’t like guys anymore which isn’t true. I’m still attracted to guys but right now I’m committed to someone who happens to be a girl. To me it just feels like any “normal” relationship that a woman would have with a man. I don’t necessarily identify with being gay, but if my parents and society insist on labeling me that way, then I won’t deny it. 7
Even though my parents and society may be disappointed in how I choose to live my life because I may not be acting like a girl should act or “It’s not the Christian way” a person’s identity is their own, and they shouldn’t have to change who they are because it’s not normal or it’s looked down upon. It is my decision and my decision alone, as to whom I am going to be and, I am perfectly happy being a tall, slightly tomboyish, athletic girl who is in a relationship with a woman. 8
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Author notes
yea....i had to write this for my womens studies class last fall semester. i hope its not too horrible:/
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Comments
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damn straight baby... no pun intended... you are who you are and that's who i love... i got to know you very quick and you were able to open up to me more than most poeple... you are your own person and have your own identity and you are now finally realizing that it is more than ok to be who you are... just think if you weren't ok with it we wouldn't be together... you have become much more confident in yourself since we've met and even more so since we've been together... i think you are still finding yourself and growing into the woman you are going to be and i love every bit of you... i love every little thing that makes you who you are... no matter what you identify with or as... part of my identity is loving you!!! i love the person i have grown into since i have met you... so my advice is to keep searching and identifying with new things... my life changes everyday b/c of who you are and what you mean to me... thanks you for being you... I LOVE YOU BUBBIE
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This was real honest, your truths, what was in your head at that moment. Thanks for sharing.
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OMG! I can so relate to this! well the first bit anyway.. i got to highschool and got worse as a tomboy, but i am now 17 and getting into skirts a little bit now and becoming a little bit more femenine. My family was very accepting of my sexuality and im sorry to hear that it was hard for you...
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Nah, I love it. It shows what a strong person you are. Society is such a horrible thing. It gives us this blurred ideal of "normal" but there really is no normal. It must have taken a lot of courage to accept yourself no matter what anybody else thinks. Brilliantly written, it shows strength. Good luck.
♥
~Lana
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