Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Eighty Five

I finally fell asleep1

Thanks to the hefty dose of Haldol
And my sheer exhaustion from all
Of the fear and guilt and anxiety
That I had been experiencing that day2

At some point I woke up to a lady calling my name
When I woke up the restraints were gone but my skin
Was raw on my wrists from the tape and tightness of the straps3

The lady asked me some questions
But I don’t remember what she asked
And I definitely don’t’ remember my responses
Then she told me she was going to talk with my mom
I nodded at her and promptly fell back asleep again4

I awoke to voices in the hall5

The room I was in was dark now
And it seemed as though I had been
Asleep for an awfully long time
Because the security guards and nurses
In the hall had changed shifts6

I strained to listen to what the voices were saying
I wasn’t sure what reality the voices were from
But when I recognized my mom’s voice I was
Pretty sure that they were from the regular world7

“What time will she get there?”8

Mom was asking the other person9

“It’s about an hour and a half away so she should get there around five AM. She’ll be able to sleep a little bit before they wake the kids up for morning routines at 8 AM.”10

The other voice answered11

“What if she wakes up in the ambulance?”12

Mom asked13

“We’ll give her some more Haldol right before she leaves, she’ll probably sleep through the whole drive. Don’t worry we’ll make sure she’s okay and it’s a really good hospital.”14

The other voice answered
I wondered what and who they were talking about
But I wasn’t too concerned because its’ hard to worry
About anything when your half asleep and exhausted15

I slept deeply with no dreams16

When I woke again17

I wasn’t sure if the hall conversation had been a dream
My mom was back in the room sitting next to me and
Still reading that book sitting open in her lap but her eyes
Kept drifting away from the book and towards me18

I wasn’t sure what had woken me up until the EMTs
Came into the small windowless room of the ER
They told me that they were taking me to another hospital
It wasn’t until then that it dawned on me that the hall conversation
Had been about me and that I was going to another psychiatric unit19

I didn’t’ protest or put up a fuss that would be dumb
A nurse came into the room with a little paper cup
With a round and pink pill inside of it and some water
I swallowed the pill which I recognized as another
Mega-dose of Haldol and then I sat down on the stretcher
The EMTs had brought in and lay back so they could
Put all the seatbelts and straps across my body20

I was trying not to cry
Mom looked okay but
I knew I had deeply
Disappointed one of the people
That I loved most in the world21

My mom rubbed my shoulder and told me
That she would drive down to the hospital
And sign me in there after she put together
A bag of all my clothes and things I would need
I nodded this was routine by now I knew how it would work
And I desperately wished this wasn’t routine22

In the ambulance23

I cried for how disappointed my parents must be
I cried for how disappointed I was in myself
I cried for Uncle Charlie and how guilty I felt
About his death that I thought could have been
Prevented if only I wasn’t such a bad kid24

Then I slept
This time I dreamt
Nightmarish images
Of my dying uncle
My angry parents
Angry eyes in the walls
And jail cells with bars25

When I woke up the EMTs
Told me we were almost there
And I knew that I wasn’t going
To the hospital this time around26

This time around they were trying to trick me
But I knew the EMTs were really police officers
And I was really going to a jail cell on death row27

I didn’t even begin to put up a fight
I deserved whatever I was getting
Silent teats began sliding down my face28

I cried29

For Uncle Charlie
For my future
For my safety
For my family30

But mostly
I cried for Uncle Charlie