Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Eighty Four

I hid in the kitchen cabinet1

My body wouldn’t fit in all the way
I closed the doors as tight as I could
But I was too big and too fat and too bad2

We will turn you invisible. You fat girl. You didn’t earn it but we will help you.3

We have your best interests at heart you must know that by know.4

Desperately I tried to block out
The voices of Fellingham and the others
Something about the quality of them
Was even more evil and scary then usual5

I don’t know how long I was in the cabinet
Reality wasn’t behaving right so I couldn’t
Even begin to keep track of minutes or hours6

My mom appeared before me
Her form was misty but I knew
She was my mom and not an imposter
I came out of the cabinet because I still
Trusted her at least she loved me I thought
But then hands grabbed me and dragged me7

They spoke to me but all voice except
Those of Fellingham and the others
Sounded like they were coming from
Deep underwater or outer space8

I couldn’t understand a thing
All I knew was that I was being
Hauled off to prison by these officers
I knew they were police officers
From their uniforms and guns 9

Hands were lifting me up
I was in a moving vehicle
It was bumpy and foggy10

Hands were holding me down
Every time I tried to get up
I was shoved back down11

I fought off the hands with more energy
Then I knew I possessed I was stronger
Then I had ever known I was or maybe
It was just that the fear for my future
Was so intense that it was giving me power
That I had never even had until then12

The vehicle stopped moving
The bed I was on was rolling
The hands were still holding
Me down too tightly but I fought
The hands with all my might
More police officers were there
Their mouths were moving
But I had no comprehension
Of their words or intentions
All I knew was that I was scared13

I couldn’t go to jail
I hadn’t meant to kill him
Thoughts raced through my head
And I’m not sure if I ever spoke them
Or if I just thought them real loud14

I was lifted into the air and then
I was on a flat surface again
There was blue goo on my neck
I clawed at it with my fingernails
Fellingham had put it there I knew it15

People grabbed at my hands
They wrapped straps around them
I felt the straps tightening
I slid my hands out of the straps
People strapped them down again
Even tighter this time and I was stuck16

My head was free though
If I hit it hard enough I could
Get free I could black out
And none of this would be real
Maybe I would wake up in a
Different reality a kinder one17

My head ricocheted off the wall
That was near by and the metal railing
Attached to whatever I was strapped too
It made loud thwacking noises but I
Didn’t feel any pain just a funny sensation18

I wasn’t blacking out I hit it harder and harder
Suddenly the surface wasn’t hard and more
It was soft and plushy I decided maybe I was
Finally entering the kinder reality
There was a sharp pinch in my shoulder
And then the fog began to fade out and
My surroundings became clearer to me19

I was in a hospital emergency room
I was lying on a stretcher with straps
Tying my hands and feet to the stretcher
There were pillows taped on the sides
Of the stretcher and tape wrapped around
The straps on my wrists and ankles
They had tried really hard to prevent me
From breaking free of the restraints20

My mom was sitting there
When I tried to speak my voice
Cracked and then scraped my throat21

My mom looked very tired
She smiled faintly at me
When I looked over at her22

I had a million questions
I wanted to ask her about
The time that had passed
And how I had arrived
At the hospital’s emergency room23

The questions swirled around in my brain
Multiplying as one led to another and another
I didn’t verbalize any of them though
It was too painful to speak to my mom
I had never wanted her to witness
What I’m like when the voices are this bad
It had been years since she’d seen me
This completely out of control24

For my parents25

I always tried to minimize
The effect the voices had on me
I had always tried to be so normal
Whenever I was in front of them26

For my parents I was a straight A student
I was an athlete and an actress and an artist27

I had effectively ruined all that
By getting lost in the voices
By getting so scared I lost control
By getting strapped down to a bed28


We sat in silence29

Mom was reading a book
That she had brought with her
I was exhausted from the shot
Of Haldol that was pumping
Rapidly through my veins30

After about ten minutes of silence
I asked my mom if she could get
The people sitting at a nearby desk
In the emergency room to release me
I was completely exhausted and all
I wanted to do was to fall asleep31

But its rather hard to sleep when
One arm is strapped and taped
Over your head while the other
Is strapped and taped tightly
Below your waist and both legs
Are spread apart and strapped
To the sides of the stretcher32

My mom nodded and got up to speak
With one of the guys at the desk
He came over and looked me over
With his hands on his hips and
A judgmental look in his eyes33

“You need to show us that you can be calm for a little longer,” 34

He told me35

I didn’t respond I had already sized him up
And I knew from experience that he blamed
Me for everything that I had done while I had
Been hearing the voices and seeing weirdness
I also knew from experience that asking him
For any type of favors would be futile he wanted
To see me uncomfortable because I had made
Way too much work for him in the past hour
What with him having to try two different restraints
And needing to duct tape the restraints on
And the pillows to the metal railings of the stretcher36

Taking as deep a breath as possible
I tried to convince myself that I was okay
But I knew deep down that I was so far
From being okay that even when I tried to find
What okay looked like I couldn’t identify it