Study of the Heart, Tricks and Treats: Part III

Part III1

At first Chris seemed a bit nervous, which was unlike him. Still, I figured it was because of my strange mood swings. I grabbed his hand and we started to dance together against the backdrop of some techno-synth music. 2

At first we were a bit nervous, and even I was having trouble getting into the beat of things due to what was weighing on my mind . . . but soon we began to catch on. By the middle of the song, Chris and I were shaking our bodies and dancing together without a care in the world.3

He grabbed my hips and drew me in closer. “I’ve liked you for a long time you know.” He said loudly, but in a voice gruffer than usual.4

I blushed as we still kept moving to the beat. “Of course I know that, silly.” I said happily.5

“So . . . you like me too then?” Chris asked.6

“Of course I do!” I said hesitantly. I did like him right? As more than . . . just a friend, this was the guy I had gushed over for years! Still . . . why was I . . . why was I so nervous?7

“Really?” Chris asked. “I wouldn’t have ever guessed you were even gay.”8

I shook my head. “Oh shush, you’re so silly.” I laughed as a slower song began playing in the background. Why is he acting so strange? I thought to myself as we adjusted our movements to the soft music. I shook my head. I can’t think like that, I thought, if I did I would just be letting my fears get the best of me. I couldn’t let that happen.9

Just like the first time, just like at Christmas, just like on the couch at home, I leaned in and kissed him.10

Time froze for a moment, he was shaken at first, almost surprised. But he returned the kiss like he had all those other times, and yet . . . something was wrong.11

I broke off the kiss and stared at the man. “You . . . aren’t Chris!?” I asked.12

The man looked taken aback as he slid up the white half-mask on his face. “Chris?”13

I froze solid. It was Mike . . . one of Jack’s friends in Social Studies. One of the guys at the punch table no doubt, and I had thought he was Chris?14

I shook my head. He had the exact same outfit on, the exact same. I knew that buying cheap, overstocked costumes was a bad idea. “I’m sorry!” I yelled as I pushed Mike away from me, running passed the crowded dance floor and out the decorated doors.15

When I got passed the entrance steps, I swung around the side and sank down to the ground. What on Earth just happened!? I thought to myself. I had just danced with, and kissed and humiliated myself in front of one of my classmates in the worst possible way. I felt like I was in a bad movie, but I bet Carrie didn’t even feel this bad when they dumped pigs’ blood on her during that Stephen King movie. I was mortified.16

“What’s the matter?” I heard someone say as they came up close and peered down at me from the stairs. “Did I . . . say something that offended you? Maybe I misunderstood what you were trying to say . . . I’m sorry . . . ”17

I looked up and saw the face–the unmasked face–of Mike. He looked almost as confused as me. I shook my head, I really didn’t feel like talking to anyone . . . especially the guy I humiliated myself with.18

“Really, I’m so sorry . . . I just really thought maybe you were trying to come on to me.” He blushed. “Please don’t get pissed or upset . . . ”19

I stood up and shook my head. “You aren’t the one who should be apologizing.” I said as calmly as possible. “It’s my fault. I thought you were my boyfriend. And . . . I’m so sorry.” I looked down at my shoes. “I’ve made a fool out of myself . . . and I probably made you mad.”20

Mike walked down the steps and tossed his hat down near the bush. “It isn’t your fault, Nick.” He said with a faint smile. “I didn’t even know there was another gay guy in Franklin U, until a few moments ago. I mean . . . I gotta say, you got my hopes up there, but I’m not mad. Besides, you didn’t make a fool out of yourself at all.”21

“Yeah, I’m sure.” I said pitifully.22

“No, I meant it. I may be out to my friends and what not . . . but what you did out there.” Mike chuckled. “Even if you did think I was your boyfriend . . . it takes guts to just walk up and dance with another guy . . . ” He blushed. “Or kiss him for that matter.”23

“I’m so sorry about that.” I said, blushing.24

“Hey, if you don’t tell your boyfriend . . . then it’s more then fine with me.” Mike smiled. “But really, Nick . . . you didn’t make a fool out of yourself. No one in there even really said anything about it, it was only you and me.”25

“All that . . . and no one even said anything? I’m sure they’re in there laughing it up right now.” I sighed.26

“I’m being honest. Sure, some of the guys heckle me, but it’s just for fun. They don’t mean any harm . . . and there are like a thousand people in there dancing too . . . why would they stop in awe just to see a kitty-boy and tuxedo-man kiss? I mean did you see some of the weirdos in there?” Mike laughed, I smiled, thinking of Cupid with the oversized diaper.27

“Thanks Mike.” I smiled. “You’re right.  It isn’t their business anyhow.” I nodded. “I’m going to go find Chris.” I grinned as I started to run for the parking lot.28

I could see Mike take a deep breath as he picked up his top hat and sat down. He slowly faded out of view as I huffed-and-puffed my way passed a few buses and vans. I ran and ran to where I saw Chris pull his car in, but I didn’t see anything. Not even the car.29

Did he leave me? Was it because I chickened out on him and ran off? Or maybe . . . I thought. Maybe he saw me kissing Mike!! I shook my head, what if he thought I was cheating on him? What if he wanted to break up with me!?30

Suddenly, a pair of arms slipped around my waist. 31

“I moved the car you know, it’s behind the school . . . I didn’t want it to get egged or vandalized.” 32

“Chris . . . I’m . . . so sorry!” I said, Chris pulled me into his chest.33

“You don’t need to go at everything by yourself you know. If you want to be with me . . . in public or want to go on a date, or dance . . . and you feel nervous . . . I mean, that’s alright. I understand.” Chris let go of me, and I turned around.34

“It’s alright . . . I think . . . I’m ok now.” I said, unsure.35

“Really, it’s alright. It’s one thing to say that it doesn’t matter what others think . . . but actually feeling and knowing that it doesn’t matter is another thing.” Chris smiled. “We’re gay, Nick. Admit it. There will always be people who stare or make lewd comments, but . . . as long as I’m with you . . . it doesn’t matter.”36

I smiled. “Thanks.” I paused for a moment. “How did you know I was out here anyhow?”37

“Oh, I met your little boy-toy near the entrance.” Chris said slyly.38

Boy toy? I thought. “Mike?”39

“Yeah, I knew he was one of your classmates . . . so I asked him if he knew where you were. He told me about your little charade.” Chris smiled. “How long did you think it’d be until I found out you were with another man?”40

“It wasn’t like that!” I said excitedly, not seeing that he understood the mistake.41

“Oh I think it was.” Chris grinned. “The least you can do it make up for it.” He leaned in and kissed me. I think I felt as shocked as the very first time we kissed, more than a year ago. Probably as shocked as Mike was. But it was familiar and warm all the same, this was Chris. The way he moved, the way he spoke, the way he kissed me, I knew it was the man I loved.42

Chris slowly backed away and ran a gloved hand down the side of my face. “You’re beautiful, you know.” I blushed. “Really, don’t ever think you aren’t.” 43

“I love you.” I said smiling.44

“I love you too, my little kitty-cat.” Chris said, kissing me again, this time deeper and warmer. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around Chris’s strong body. As we broke off our second kiss Chris thumbed my cheek and laughed. “Looks like I smudged up your whiskers a little bit.”45

“Don’t worry about it.” I said. “It was cheap paint anyhow, came with the costume.” I paused. “Where are your hat and mask?” I asked, noticing he lacked them both.46

“I threw them in the car, the cheap plastic was breaking me out.” Chris laughed. 47

“I am really sorry about tonight. Especially with what happened with Mike.” I said, still rather serious.48

“Well, you’re doing a good job at making up for it.” Chris grinned. “You can pay back the rest when we get home.” He turned around and walked back toward the school.49

I blushed, knowing that he was only half joking. “Come on cat, let’s go dance.” He said, as I ran up beside him and clasped his hand.50

We walked back to the University together, hand-in-hand, and then we walked inside and danced. We danced during the fast techno-like songs, and during the slow songs, holding each other gently during the slow beat. It was like Mike said, no one really cared . . . they were all busy with their own things . . . having their own fun . . . and having their own problems.51

As Chris and I danced together I could see Mike out of the corner of my eye. I could tell what I had done wouldn’t be forgotten that easily, but I wasn’t sure now if it was a bad thing or not. Now it was Mike who was asking a guy to dance, and not just any guy . . . but his friend Jack. It wasn’t long until the two started to dance together . . . wether it was Jack playing along and acting silly, or if it was a real dance between to guys . . . I wasn’t sure, but then, I had my own issues, and my own man. I didn’t need to gawk at Mike and Jack, all I had to do was look in Chris’s deep blue eyes.52

You can’t pinpoint why exactly you follow your heart, you just do it. Wether it’s to admit your feelings to the one you love, or dance with him at a party, or even if it is to just get up and do what you have to do every day, your heart knows best–it leads the way, and eventually you follow it. That’s what I learned that night in October, to follow my heart . . . even through fear and anxiety, and it paid off because I spent the rest of the night with the person I love more than anything in the world. More than my classmates, or dancing, or cat outfits, or even candy.53

So while I may never understand the way I feel all the time, or how my heart works, I’ll still follow it, and I’ll  have Chris right beside me all the way.54