On The Good Ship Corsair -(2)

“Laz! Laz! Wake up! I’ve done something stupid!”1

There came a groaning through the intercom outside Lazarus Da Vinci’s cabin. “You did something stupid?” Lazarus’s somewhat hoarse voice finally managed. “I stayed at the bar with Kevin ‘Apocalypse’ Thompson from my section last night. I drank a litre of rum and slept in the bath. Now that’s stupid!”2

“Why the bath?” Raven had in fact been wondering the same thing with regard to himself ever since waking up.3

“Dunnow. I think it seemed…shiny.”4

“Anyway, doesn’t matter. Panic stations, Laz! Panic stations!”5

“Try to speak more softly,” came Lazarus’s reply. “And it can’t be that bad.”6

“I asked the cherub to be my Assigned.”7

There was a pause. “You’d better come in,” Lazarus said eventually.8

Lazarus was dressed in a white bath robe, the stench of stale spirit and a hangover. His hair was in a state perhaps best not subjected to descriptive prose. Raven, earnest but worried look on his face, now with three days worth of stubble on it, bounced on the spot in agitation, incessantly switching from one foot to the other and back again.9

“So what’s he like, personality wise?” Lazarus asked, tiredly gulping down a couple of Paracetamol with a swig of tapwater.10

“A complete cock,” said Raven without hesitation.11

“He can’t be that bad.”12

“Laz, he’s from Sussex. He’s practically French! He combines this with being the worst kind of smug, smarmy schmoozer this side of the Apprentice. I asked him to call me ‘lieutenant’ instead of all this ‘sir’ring, as a joke, and he actually did it, all in this intolerable self-satisfied way of his. And now I can’t get rid of him. An offer of assignment, drunken or not, is obligating after all.”13

Lazarus sat down on the side of his bed, disturbing the covers for the first time since straightening them the previous morning. “Where is he now?”14

“Asleep in my bed,” replied Raven, “spread out in some kind of star shape in the middle that means that no matter how damn short he is he takes up the whole thing and there’s no space for me.”15

Lazarus sighed. “Can’t see any way out for you I’m afraid. Unless you can somehow get him smitten with someone else.” Raven looked on insistently. “Take him to see the doc,” finished Lazarus.16

-17

“I,” said the gorgeous, chiselled features of the Corsair’s chief physician,” am Dr. Archimedes Rodrigo Panthalassa.” He smiled a million dollar smile. “But the boys call me Panther.”18

Charlie glared, simply glared, while Raven stood over him wearing a sheepish grin on his unshaven countenance. The doctor drew closer, wrapping an arm around Charlie’s shoulders, giving him a good whiff of expensive Cologne and unblinkingly looking deep into his eyes. “And what, my fine young man, is the matter with you?”19

“Headache. Nausea. Sore arse,” Charlie said bluntly, before affecting a sarcastic sweetness and adding, “Nothing that isn’t Lieutenant Raven’s fault.20

“Oh?” said the doctor, sweeping his golden locks over his shoulder and flashing his teeth once again. If not actually luminous in their own right they were at least super reflective. “And you’re sure there’s,” he clasped one of Charlie’s hands tenderly, “nothing else you want to tell me about?”21

“Nope,” said Charlie stubbornly, turning his face away.22

“But Lieutenant Raven,” insisted the doctor, “clearly said he though there was something you…needed seeing to.”23

“Then Lieutenant Raven, conclude, must suffer from some form of third person perspective hypochondria. May I go now, sir?”24

“I suppose,” admitted the doctor, visually disappointed. Charlie stood up and left haughtily. Raven shrugged apologetically at the doctor and followed. Drawing level with Charlie, who was striding off down the corridor at a fair pace, he decided to remain silent until Charlie asked something of him.25

“I don’t mean to be rude, sir,” said Charlie in a firm tone, “but it seems to me that you may be regretting my appointment as soon as it’s begun.”26

“Well,” responded Raven, who was not the sort who found it easy to admit to such truths,” I wouldn’t say…”27

“But I can assure you that attempting to ‘pair me off’, if you will, with one of your fellow officers will only result in my spending my days alongside you but not my nights. Was that your intention, sir?”28

Raven stopped, looking suddenly mortified. “Look, sir,” said Charlie sincerely. “I felt truly honoured to be asked by you last night and I’m looking forward to working with you. But if you don’t feel the same way then,” he sniffed, “then I’m sorry about that. I really am.” He looked up at the lieutenant with genuinely quivering eyes. Raven was not, by his own admission, a strong man, and his heart rapidly melted under the onslaught of guilt.29

“Do you fancy going to the dining hall for food together?” he asked apologetically.30

“Yes, yes I do. I’d love to, in fact. Oh, and sir, you need to organise a meeting for your, for our section, tomorrow at the latest. Otherwise they might just forget who you are, if they know already that is. I just thought I’d remind you.”31

-32

“Laz, before you provide me with another suggestion, I want you to know that my stance has changed.”33

Lazarus looked at the way his friend was standing. “Hmm, suppose it has a bit. Why? He didn’t do you last night, did he?”34

“No, he said he was still feeling tender from the night before, so we sucked each other off in lieu of anything more strenuous.”35

“Thanks for that, Ray. I really needed to know the details. You’ll be telling me he saluted you after, next.”36

“A pleasure, old friend. And might I had that so was last night. A great pleasure. Which brings me to my new, or should I say updated, problem. I need a way to continue sleeping with him but without having to spend any further time in his company. It struck me yesterday that, in amongst all his Academy Grad snobbishness, he really is capable of being rather sweet. However, this is limited to short bursts, and adding up to no more than an hour or two a day, and that late on.”37

“So, what you’re saying is, you want a relationship that consists of sex and effectively stops there.” Raven thought about it for a few seconds and then nodded. “I feel a bit weird saying this to you Ray, but you complete…bloke!”38

-39

“I’m expecting you to be an inspiration by the way, sir,” said Charlie, adjusting his longcoat on his shoulders and straightening his peaked cap. “I’ll have you know I came out top of the class at the Academy and I’ve given up an under officer’s position with A Section to be your Assigned. You have a lot to live up to in my eyes, sir.”40

“Is that right?” replied Raven. He’d had a shave, mainly because Charlie had refused to let him leave his cabin until he had, but the other aspects of his appearance were essentially as they had been when he’d woken up.41

“It is. I’m sure you know what a privilege it is to get A Section on the Corsair as your first appointment.”42

Raven nodded half-heartedly. The crew of the Corsair was split into Sections based on role. A Section was the Captain’s own team, who manned the bridge during emergencies and essentially held the fate of the whole vessel in their hands. Raven’s B Section, Lazarus’s C Section and D Section were the combatants on board, tasked with manning the ship’s stock of fighter craft and hull mounted gun batteries. E Section were the engineers, needed for high level maintenance and repair work. F Section were the caterers, G Section maintained the on board golf course and H Section were Dr. Panthalassa’s select team of medics.43

However, since so many of the ship’s functions were automated and it was presently peacetime so the ship had no role in battle, the only section worked anything close to capacity were the chefs and waiters of F Section, who could have had much of their work done by machines but were all too proud in their own work to allow this.44

“And as a show of the gratitude you obviously have for me showing this amount of faith in you, sir, I was wondering if you’d consider taking me out for dinner at the Officer’s Club tonight.”45

The cheek of the boy nearly knocked Raven off his feet. Who, just who, he thought, no matter how assured of their position they were, asked themselves out for dinner with their partner? If he had been so desperate for a candlelit dinner date at the Officer’s Club, couldn’t Charlie have asked him out, as gratitude for appointing him? But, when faced with the question with which he had just, despite all the morals of common decency, been faced, how exactly was he supposed to refuse? “Okay,” he said in mock cheeriness. “Tonight at 8 alright for you?”46

“Perfect, sir. Um, do you want me to make this speech to the section, if you’re feeling a little nervous about it?”47

A lesser man, Raven told himself, would have strangled the boy. He, in truth, was on the verge of strangling the boy. Somehow, he realised, that offer was supposed to be an attempt at being considerate. Really, the sooner Under Officer Charles Starslayer stopped trying to be polite and considerate towards his seniors, the longer the boy might yet live. “No, that’s quite alright,” Raven said, clenching his fist hard within his coat pocket in silent fury as he did so. “I am quite capable of addressing my own men.”48

Stepping into the B Section Meeting Hall, a lecture theatre type arrangement with rows of seats and a slightly raised dais at the front, Raven was re-united once again with his team, the old B lads, some new faces present, some old ones no longer on show, but it was still undoubtedly to same B Section. The personnel might occasionally change, but the whole never did.49

“For those of you who are new here,” said Raven, who hated public speaking of any kind with a passion, not bothering to stand on the dais but instead giving his speech leaning back against it from in front, “welcome to B Section and welcome to active service on the Corsair.” There were a few chuckles and murmurs at the word ‘active’.50

“And for those of you still here from before…hi, I suppose.” Stood over in the corner, Charlie allowed his head to fall despairingly into his hand. “Just a couple of things, really. Firstly, remember, and this goes for the old hands as much if not more than the new boys, that as part of a combatant unit on board you are all required to spend a minimum of 6 hours a week in the various arms training areas on the ship, just to keep you fresh you understand. And second, ahem, we have a new Assigned Under Officer on Section, Under Officer Starslayer, who has transferred from A Section.” He indicated over at Charlie, who started forward as if intending to make a speech of his own at the dais, but through frantic gesticulating Raven managed to stop him. There was a mass clearing of throats in the audience, amongst which several utterances of the word ‘shagging’ were there for all to hear. Raven chuckled through it, it was the only way to deal with B Section, and continued with the details of his address. It only occurred to him later on what other problem a proper, drawn out date with his Assigned might also present.51