I thought you quit smoking?

You used to be.1

That.2

To me.3

You sit down across from me smiling your toothy, lopsided smile.  It's your usual coffeehouse smile that you flash at so-so intimate friends or strangers that feel a so-so passion for.  And it's probably the smile that you give when you're settled between some boy's legs, glancing up with the whites of your eyes bright and glowing and your glasses sitting askew on your nose.  And it's the smile that you had given me some six odd years ago when I was cold and sniffling and stumbling over my shoelaces.  And it's the smile that you had gi--4

Casually:  hi.5

I crinkle my nose at your lateness and set aside some book that I had picked off of the shelves for no apparent reason other than the raw and uncensored seuxal desire described within it.  You chortle at my perversion and eye me patronizingly and I feel the inane urge to stick my tongue out at you.  Hello kindergarden, how's it been since last time we met?6

But it's always been like this with you and me.  It's always casual and so-so and feigned or maybe that's just me.  I'm a poor judge of these things.7

And so are you.8

Icebreaker:  I quit smoking.9

I eye you suspicioiusly, maybe just because I can or maybe because you're the guy who was caught drunk in public and still went out drinking the very next night.  And maybe it's because you're the type who never fucking quits.  You know, that American type, with your ho-hums and your bloody blind optimism and your stupid ideals of free enterprise.  And maybe it's because I liked it when you were leaning against my car at ten at night, your scent all around me as I shivered under your jacket, watching the tendrils of smoke dance out of your mouth like miracles disappearing into the dark of the night.10

And it was starless.11

Unbelieving:  really?12

Indignant:  really.13

Cautious:  really really?14

Irritated:  really really.15

There's a silence as you sip at your coffee and take a bite out of your bagel.  Silly American foods that I had never gotten used to eating.  And I remembered how you had always wanted to be like me.  And I remembered how you had always wanted to jab at my lunch curiously with your plastic fork, asking what this was or what that was.  And I remembered how I had invited you to my house when my parents had been out so you could eat authentic Chinese, because you were weird like that.  And you followed me.  Because I had a past, a culture, a heritage.16

And you just had nothing.17

Clearing my throat:  so I guess this is the end.18

Snickering:  don't be emo.19

Annoyed:  I mean it.20

And it was the end.  Because you were going that way and I was going this way.  And this time you weren't following me.21

Because now you finally had something.22

You giggle:  you've been so happy this year.23

And I'm afraid because you were always the one to ask if I was okay, if I was happy, if I was going to live through the night.  And you were always the one who remembered my birthday and took me out for ice cream even though my mother was going to yell at you aterwards for abducting me.  And you were always the one who wanted to talk to me and to listen to me and t--24

And you were always the only one to care.25

Feigning surprise:  haven't I always been?26

Raising an eyebrow:  you were like suicidal your junior year.  I totally had to hold your hand the entire time so you wouldn't die.27

I nearly choke.28

Regaining my composure:  thanks ever so.29

And I'm laughing inside the way that I do when I'm probably going to cry, the way I do when I want to drown out the objections, the pain, the hatred, the.  Love.  And I'm laughing to strangle out the memories that are flashing like vivid silent movies behind my eyelids.  And I'm laughing to snuff.30

You.31

Out.32

Because I don't want to remember how much I had adored you, loved you, worshipped you.  And I don't want to remember how I had wanted to wrap my sticky fingers around your waist and bury my mouth on the curve of your exposed collarbone.  And I don't want to remember how you had always been just a little too thin and how I much I had wanted to run my nails lightly over the ribs that poked out beneath the canvas of your skin.  And I don't want to remember how.33

I.34

Pined.35

And I'm laughing because it was all because.36

Of you.37

And I'm laughing because it's too late and I'm already nearly crying and because the salt is starting to sting the back of my eyes.38

Doesn't the irony.39

Just kill you?40

And I look at your half finished box of cigarettes sitting at the corner of the table.  The foil crumpled, the box deformed, the tobacco sticking out slightly from the ends.41

I reach out and take one from the batch.  The odd one that's rolling around losely from the group.42

I guess.43

I'll let you think that you were my saviour.44

I put the cigarette to my lips.45

When you were really.46

My murderer.47