Regrets

As my tears fall to the floor, my heart’s screaming something. But I cant make out the words. My friends have said that all the things that have happened with him and me are part of destiny. The we belong together. That he feels the same way. That I just have to get closer…I can’t…those are all lies. We aren’t not meant to be together. I can’t be far from him. I need to be with him. But the fear of ending up hurt, like I’ve always have, hunts me every time I’m about to take one step to get closer with him, and it makes me turn around. And every night I wish I was wrapped in his arms. Kissing his lips and looking straight to his eyes. Falling in them. And passing my fingers trough his smooth long hair.1

He’s so close and yet so far…I can’t stand the distance between us. I miss him so much when he’s so far. When he’s not close my heart screams and I feel this huge, giant, deep, hole in my chest. My soul feels incomplete. I can’t keep on with all of this pain. This emptiness of not having him and knowing that he’s unreachable. 2

With my left hand I grab the razor that’s laying on the floor. My heart keeps screaming something…but I still can’t make up the words. I pass the sharp razor by my wrist and make a deep cut. My blood starts to fall and another cut is made. A deeper one. More blood comes out. My air starts to cut. This is it. No more pain. I start to lose conscious. My eyes are closing and my heart’s going slower. Now he’s whispering with the bit of breath he has left. I finally understood him “don’t… do it…you’ll…regret it…” that was he has been saying. But I doubt I regret this…3

I open my eyes again and this strong, bright, white light hits my eyes. I slowly sit down. I was sitting on something fluffy and soft. Clouds?...they look like clouds. I feel someone getting closer. I look up and I see this tall guy, gold, long hair and light blue eyes. He was dressed in a white cloak. He stretched his hand and helped me to get up. When I was able to see closer, I saw wings coming out from his back. I was confuse. Is this heaven?...I thought I was going to hell…people say if you kill yourself you go to hell…well, I’m not complaining tough. I can stay here… “you just gave away your life…and you won’t get it back…”-his soft voice said. “I know…” I answered to him. “There’s no turning back…” “I don’t wanna turn back” I said “I’ve turned back a lot of times…this time… I won’t…” I said with security. “Well…you made the wrong decisions by turning back then…you should have made it now…when you had the chance…all tough…if you hadn’t turned around back then…you would have never turned back again…” he said confusing me. “What?” what’s all my voice could say. “…come…” he said. We started to walk and slowly disappeared. We appeared on earth. I looked around…a cemetery. “Come, keep walking” he called me. I walked until I caught up with him. 4

We got to a tombstone. There was this guy in front of it. Dressed in black skinnies and a black hoodie. “go…get closer…”. I hesitated for a while and I got closer. I read the tombstone and it said “Alexa Jones 1994-2009”. I just looked down. Then I look up to the guy. When I saw him,my eyes open wide…it was him…the reason why I have left…tears were rolling down his face. In his hands he had crimson roses. “Well…it’s me again…Al…” his sweet voice said. Again? So he has come before already?...Al?...only people who care and love me call me that…no…please…no…5

“I brought you these…” he slowly went down and put the crimson roses in front of my tombstone. “I know you liked them…I didn’t got the chance to clothe you with them…like you wanted…like your favorite song Whispers in the Dark by Skillet…but I may clothe your tombstone…um…yeah I know that was a lil lame but…what ever…” 6

I begged him to stop. But he couldn’t hear me, nor see me. “I…I love you, Al…I always had…but I was too shy and…scare to get close to you…my friends said… we were meant to be…but I didn’t believe them…it was just…to unbelievable…and it is…now you’re gone…now I really know you’re unreachable…” No…why did I do it?...please stop… “…and…stupid…that’s how to call the guy that made you do this…if it was a guy…but…stupid…if I knew who was it…I would kill him…” no…this is no one’s fault…only mine… “I will come back again tonight…I know you like the night…now you’ll be able to see the moon up closer from up there…I know you’re up there…you were always an angel…I love you…please…take care…”7

Another tear came rolling down. When I was about to give him a hug-which I knew I couldn’t do but I was willing to try-he walked away. I got down on my knees and began to cry. Why did I do it?...we had a chance and I blew it…now the regret will hunt me…for ever…this is from one thing I can’t run away…8

-Monica Molina9

9/19/0910