Grey Cloud

Opened the window and the cloud was grey. Saw tiny group of little black bird flying around. The sky cracked and it made a funny noise. No, not funny. Scary noise. The noise that would make People that are new to earth terrified and born a fear in them. That’s when I realize this is how the inside of me look like. It isn’t pretty. My name is Summer. But I am no summer at all. Not hoping to be one too. I spent a lot of time just hanging in my room alone. I hate getting out of it. Because when I’m in my room, I feel safe and nothing can hurt me. Considering my heart is already got a lot of cracks and I know that it will break very soon. If I step my foot outside of my room, I know nothing could go right. Everything that I do and every step that I take will leave more cracks to my heart. You won’t probably see the scars on my skins but I have tons. It’s not physical but it leaves footprint inside. It’s like I’m living in a safe room while a lot of danger waiting for me outside and if even make 1 step outside I won’t be able to live. I’m not sure if people around me realizes my existence anymore. Since I was a kid, I’ve been living in my room alone. I’m so used to be unnoticed, invisible, unimportant and left out. I don’t have much friends. Correction I don’t have any. But when I was 5 and I desperately need someone to talk to and accompany me all the time. There was my invisible friend Liberty Bell. Can’t seems to remember why I gave her that name. She was my 1st and last friend on earth. We had so much fun together. Then when I turned 13 I realize that she’s not real. So I erased her from my mind. Doesn’t matter night or daytime, it’ s always dark around me inside and outside. I hate going to school. Everybody else hate going to school because it’s boring and they can’t be bothered studying but I have a different reason. Do I seriously have to tell you why? I mean isn’t it obvious? Then again my daily routine is always the same. I can’t wait till the day I will be leaving earth and this world. I think it’s much more better than this world. I tried to grabbed a knife a couples of time before but I don’t think it’s worth it even though I can’t wait. I’ll keep believing to a myth that I have so much to live for. Until the day comes, I’ll play along with the crowd and I’ll smile even though I’m forcing myself to. Easy saying, I’ll keep faking my happiness. I don’t want people to know about my reality. I don’t even want to face my reality. Cause I’m scared and I’m not strong enough to carry it. So all the bad lucks I’ll keep it inside a bag. Not sure when it’s going to burst but I’ll keep going until it does. I don’t know how long I can keep this to myself and carry it on my own and I don’t know how long until anybody finds out. Won’t it be so embarrassing? When I come back from school, I would drag myself along the dark corridor and my room at last. I’ll just shut the door and lock myself inside with my boom box turned up so loud so nobody can hear what I’m doing inside. Sometimes, I writes my reality on a song, sometimes just go on the computer and be someone else and sometimes, a really stupid things. The minute I go into the 1st year, I felt like I was dropped in the middle of the dark twilight zone. Still feeling it though. I spent 4 years in Japan. I know it sound cool but it isn’t to me. I hate my classmates there. I have a small number of friends but they are just that. They are unlucky just like me. Then I spent a year and a half in Scotland. Wow…No. I had the worse time ever at school. Could say EVERYDAY. But no one knows it. Everybody thought I was happy there but I’m not. Only me and mom went there. I’m still mad at my dad because he promised that he would go there with her but instead I had to be his promise. I had to leave my room, I had to sacrifice everything that saves me. I hated that and I will remember that forever. Now that I’m back, I thought everything would be colorful but instead it was worse than before. It’s darker. When my relatives comes, I feel like a niddle poking me. It’s that hurtful when they spit out comments at me. Neither was a good one. But I never told them anything. I just smiled and laugh as in I am happy and I agree with them.
“Summer! What a loss being a vegetarian?!”
“Summer! Why the hell are you putting your eye liner so much? You look like a batman!”
“Summer! What on earth are you dressed up as?”
And for each question, one crack on my heart. Those words are like crows attacking a little bird. The best word for this situation would be a PUPPET. They all put the string on their finger. The strings controls ever part of me and I have nothing for myself. Humans aren’t they all the same? Selfish, Cruel, and won’t be satisfied with what they have. They will always gives words to make me not feel guilty being a vegetarian so I would quit the veganism. Like a hyena fighting for the meat with each other. I could just walk up to people and act happy and cheerful but the truth is the opposite. I’m sure there’s other kid having a life crisis just like me out there somewhere. The best advice I could give is that never ever ever ever ever give up on life. Just play along the crowd and act happy maybe someday the act won’t be an act anymore. I wish. But it’s possible ya know? For it to happen. One fine day it will. 1

Written by
Nadiah Syahirah(Nadee)2

“The best prize that life can offers is working hard at thing worth doing”
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