Wishful Thinking

The sound of a fist pounding on wood momentarily drowns out the sound of the TV, then stops. You look up curiously--it’s nearly midnight--then push up off the couch and wander over to the door. You lean forward, peeking warily out the peephole. You furrow your brow when you see that no one is there, then unlock the door and open it anyway.1

A brown paper bag is sitting before you. You bend down and cautiously pick it up, revealing a business card and a key. You pick those up as well, then step back into your house and lock the door.2

You make your way back to the couch and fall onto it, regarding the items in your hands with more than just mild curiosity. You consider for a moment just throwing them away, but decide against it. You set down the key and business card, then tear into the paper sack.3

Seconds later, the bag is lying in shreds at your feet and you’re holding a small black gun in your hands. You drop the gun, as if it is painful to touch, and grab the business card. The front is an ordinary business card belonging to an insurance salesperson you have never heard of. Flipping it over in your hands, you find that someone has scrawled a phone number on the back. You pick up your home phone, fingers hovering over the numbers, debating whether or not to call. Finally, you punch in the first number, then the second. When you finish dialing, you hold the phone up to your ear, your eyes glued to the gun that is now lying on the floor at your feet.4

The phone dials once, twice, three times. “Hello.” The strange lack of emotion in the cold voice on the other line makes you uneasy, and for a moment you consider hanging up.5

Instead, you croak out, “Hi.”6

“I assume you’ve received my…package,” the mysterious man’s voice says, his voice still void of any emotion.7

“Yeah, I--” you begin, but the man hushes you like you’re a baby who’s just begun to cry.8

“The key is to a safety deposit box,” the voice continues. “I suggest you keep it in a safe place.”9

“Why do I need a key to a safe deposit box that doesn’t belong to me?” You ask, a slight panic edging into your voice.10

“Don’t concern yourself with that,” the voice tells you.11

“But I--.” Again, the voice hushes you.12

“Put the gun behind the Cheerios in your pantry,” he orders you, giving you the sinking feeling that whoever it is has been in your home. Instead of trying to interrupt him again, though, you remain silent as the man continues, “And burn the business card in that fancy fireplace of yours.”13

Despite the typical Florida heat, you suddenly feel very cold. “How did you…?” you trail off as the voice hushes you yet again.14

“Goodbye,” the voice says. 15

You move the phone away from your ear when the dial tone plays, staring at it disbelievingly. Then, you slam the phone in its cradle and do as the voice told you--he’d already been in your home, who knows what he would do if you didn’t listen--stashing the gun and key behind your box of Cheerios. Then you begin pacing in a panicky manner, for God knows how long.16

The sound of a fist pounding on wood startles you awake. You sit up and stretch, wincing slightly, and make a mental note not to sleep on your uncomfortable couch again. Then you stand and amble over to your door.17

This time when you open it, instead of a paper bag, you’re greeted by two police officers. The older of the two, a man with graying brown hair, hands you a piece of paper and pushes past you into the house.18

Stepping aside to let in the other officer, you look down at the paper in confusion. It’s a search warrant. You look back up in alarm.19

“A search warrant?” you ask, panic involuntarily finding its way into your tone. “What do you expect to find?”20

“It says on the warrant, Sir,” says the young officer, pushing his curly black hair out of his face as he wanders into your kitchen. You watch uneasily as he opens your pantry and begins moving around the contents.21

You see his eyes widen as he carefully extracts the gun and the key. “Well what do we have here?” he asks, turning to you. You open your mouth, but can’t seem to make any words come out. “Hey Joe!” the cop calls.22

The other officer, who had been searching your bedroom, walks out. “Yeah?”23

“Look what I found behind the Cheerios,” the young cop says, holding up the gun. “Same caliber as the murder weapon.”24

“Murder weapon?” you ask, looking between the two cops in a slight craze. “I don’t know anything about a murder!”25

“Yeah,” the old cop--Joe--says, slapping a pair of cuffs on your wrists. “They all say that.”26

“So,” says the other officer. “What’s this key for? Wouldn’t happen to open a safe deposit box, would it?”27

“Nope, don’t answer that,” the old officer tells you. “Because you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law….”28

As you’re led out of your house in handcuffs, you can’t help but vainly wish that you’d just hung up the stupid phone.

Author notes

This was actually intended to be a one hundred-fifty word creative writing assignment for school, but as you can see, it kind of got away from me. This is the first time I've written in 2nd person, ever, and I don't think I'll be doing it again anytime soon. This is also the first time I've written present tense in a long time, so I apologize for any mistakes.

I'm thinking about maybe continuing this--either continuing it with this point of view, or writing the same story from "the voice's" point of view. If you think it's a good idea, let me know.

enter at your own risk contest: chose option 7, and i love pancakes

anything and everything contest: i chose option 4, but i guess it could work for option 3, too...

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 385. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 30 of 38     1 2  next >  (show all)

  • Scarlet Roses
    March 12
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Loved it. Amazing job very interesting Want to know what happens next meessage me !!!!

    -Judge Scartlet Roses


  • Changed.Soul
    March 4

    Edit | Reply

    loved it!

    wow this is really interesting and really well written loved it! I want to know what happens next... its so creative!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • RainDropsInSummer
    February 27

    Edit | Reply
    right after line 12,
    "Put the gun behind the cheerios in *you* pantry"
    -Your? Because i highly doubt your main character is a pantry...

    Other than that however, its very creative! Unlike anything else I've read! bravo!
    Good Luck in the contest!!


    • InBetweenDays
      February 27
      Edit | Reply
      Fixed it! Thanks for pointing out the mistake, and thanks for commenting.


  • Desolate Blue
    February 23

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    That was amazing! I rarely see stories written in this point of view. I don't really like 2nd person but since this was short I could handle it and it actually flowed along really well. I hardly noticed any errors as I went along. The only error that really jumped out at me was, "Put the gun behind the Cheerios in you pantry,”. You should be your, but that's obviously a common mistake that we all make. And it's very minor, I know it wasn't intentional.

    Anyway, again, this was an awesome read and I really liked it! I love the suspense the whole time - you don't know what the gun and key are for and the ONLY evidence for the victim is the business card, which the guy on the phone wanted you to burn, which is smart thinking. BUT, you never specifically state what happened with the business card. There is no mention of it being thrown in the fire. The reader is confused in the beginning but by the end you know that the victim is being framed for murder. But it leaves you with many ideas. I would like to read more of this in 1st or 3rd person. You really should continue it!

    Very well thought, well written, and original. Thanks for entering!

  • livelaughwritex3
    February 22
    Edit | Reply
    2nd person POV...nicee! good job and good luck in my contest!


  • Meeko
    February 14

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this was pretty entertaining to read. Writing in 2nd person is tricky and sometimes it doesn't work out how we want it to. I thought you did a really good job. It's always fun reading something in 2nd person like this because I always catch myself picturing what the story is saying that "I'm" doing. It's like roleplaying in a way.

    Thank you very much for entering this into my contest and good luck.


  • Moose.
    February 12

    Edit | Reply
    Coolness! This was very enjoyable and intresting. Good luck in my contest, thanks a bunch for entering my contest!!! (:


  • Scarlet Roses
    February 8
    Edit | Reply
    Good layout, i do like that you put a little crime in it. -Scarlet Roses Co Judge


  • lesbian-in-love
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    This was good. I liked it. These line stuck out to me..:“Put the gun behind the Cheerios in you pantry,” This was well done. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.


  • goodwriter
    February 2

    Edit | Reply
    WOW I LIKED THIS YOU HAVE ALOT OF GOODNESS IN WRITING KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND I HOPE YOU DO GOOD IN MY CONTEST. YOUR A WONDER AUTHOR


  • J.R.Coleman
    January 23

    Edit | Reply
    This was interesting to read. I don't usually read crime novels, but it was very interesting. I really liked how you planned the set up, and it makes me wonder who REALLY did it. It ended a little too quickly, though. Maybe try to expand where the cops are searching for the gun or after she gets the phone call.

    Good job and good luck.


  • Kaitlyn Fairchild
    January 17

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing, very interesting. I especially like the second person POV, it helps the reader identify more with the piece. Great ending, I have to say I did not see that coming. Thank's for the entry and good luck


  • Auto Boa silver member
    January 3

    Edit | Reply

    Strange but interesting

    Very cool, however also very sudden, the story doesn't have a terrible amount of development along with the characters but it has a good premiss, in fact it's almost better short, leaves you wondering. Very good, keep writing.


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    January 1

    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting! I enjoyed reading your story. I thought you did a fabulous job with the entire plot. The ending was a little predictable once the police showed up to the door but it was still a good story none-the-less. I didn't particularly like the second person point of view; having never written in it myself, but it was a nice change after reading so many stories that are told in first or third person. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!

    1 Characterization: 5
    2 Plot: 5
    3 Emotion: 4
    4 Grammar/spelling: 5
    5 Dialogue: 4
    6 Organization: 5
    7 1st paragraph: 4

    Thank you again for entering my contest and good luck!


  • Equal Opposite
    December 31, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    That was fantastic, I kind of saw the ending coming, but even with my guess being correct, I absolutely LOVED the tale. You definitely made it into the finals list. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!


  • Te Kore gold member
    December 29, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm.. i'm really not sure about this piece, it's telling the story as if it's happening to me yet i can't actually picture myself as the person. It's kind of a weird and new way of writing something and i'm not sure if i completely like it..

    Other than my person opinions it sounds like a good plot and a very interesting read, the flow worked with teh pace although some of the language seemed forced to me.. almost like it didn't fit.

    Might just be me being picky, best of luck in the contest.

    Staci


  • Gauntletier
    December 26, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    Now this is something.

    I find your way of writing to be quaint, definitely if anyone was in that situation I'm certain they would regret picking up their phone and listening to what that man said but curiousity is an ever-present thing with humans.

    Keep up the good work.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5.


  • Mishele
    December 26, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Great story!..personally ive never written in 2nd person..it just confuses me....im better off as first person..so i think u did an amazing job with it!! good luck for the contest!


  • slyly annonymous
    December 19, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Great story =]
    It was really mysterious and held my attention from beginning to end. I love the endind and how you wrote the story in second person.

  • Shadow Leopard
    December 14, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Hmm... Very interesting. I love it!


  • Sexi Chickie
    December 11, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    I see no mistakes so well done!
    O.o Second person...how interesting. You wrote it very well. It was very creative and I was like 'OOOOH' the whole way through. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck.


  • nadine.
    December 1, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    very original...

    i actually liked the way you wrote in second person....normally i hate second person cuz it's confusing but you did it really really well. this whole thing caught my attention from the very first sentence and drew me in. i loved it


  • Syddox
    December 1, 2009

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    haha very creative! It was very captivating from the first paragraph! Great job, this is definitely one of those stories you can't stop reading when you start. Excellent ending very creative.


  • Cherry Lips
    November 28, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, wow! This was excellent! I enjoyed this so much, it really kept me at the edge of my seat. I like that you did it in second person, I actually imagined it happening to me. Great idea and fantastic job! Thanks so much for entering, and good luck!


  • Shadow Pixie
    November 27, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    That was really good, you didn't lose my attention for a second! Brilliant read, fantastic work. I only noticed one mistake - in paragraph 13, "you" should be "yours".
    Thanks for entering this, good luck!


    • InBetweenDays
      November 28, 2009
      Edit | Reply
      Glad you liked it. Thanks for pointing out the mistake--I'll have to get that fixed.


  • HeartOfGlass
    October 11, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    That would totally suck, I hope that it turns out okay for him. Good job and good luck!


  • BlondSteph
    October 3, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Nice read and rather a twist there Lovely writer, and gripping story. Thank you for entering and all the best!


  • MelissaluvzSheila silver member
    October 1, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    This was rather interesting. It was very enjoyable too read. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck too you in the contest!

1 - 30 of 38     1 2  next >  (show all)