Deeper Than Words: chapters 22-23

Chapter 221

I looked down at my right arm which was now castless. Comparing my arms together I saw how white my skin was before the summer began, it was a reminder until I got a decent tan. But I felt more freedom than I ever had.2

"Do you feel lighter?" Kelsey asked.3

I smiled and extended my arm a few times, "Yeah, I do."4

"So, what'd you do with your cast?"5

I thought of the choice I made earlier in the hospital, where I carried a cast with me as I walked towards the car. I'd never felt more weird about anything but I wanted to remember this summer no matter how far I got or where I went. I especially wanted to remember the people who signed it.6

"I never kept the cast I got on my leg when I was ten and I always wished I had. So, I brought it home with me."7

Kelsey smiled, "So, what are you going to do? Frame it? Hang it on your wall?"8

"No," I replied. I was going to put it away in a box that I wouldn't open until years and years passed and it was time to finally look at the past. Because right now, the present is going to take me somewhere that I don't know and I would like to remember who I was during the days that I developed a real, true sense of who I am.9

A few hours later I sit at another Topper Lake party, which is just too large to navigate through. We've seated ourselves by the fire, near the unreasonably free booze. Ariel stole a bottle of rum for us, while we only had a case of beer for us. Shelly, of course, had his champagne resting neatly in his arm.10

We began checking the guys out, giving our own humble opinions of what was perfect to us. After awhile, I didn't know what I was describing in my head. How typical of me to not know what I want, even when it didn't matter. It was hard to accept the fact that I couldn't even explain myself to myself, because no one would know who I am, but only make small claims to. That's when I realized that I thought I knew my brother and sister, believing that they should have done what I wanted them to do, and deep down I didn't know what I wanted for them.11

I'd always believed that by Kelsey's words I knew her but she constantly changed. Maybe she always knew that she would change her mind and that her words weren't final, because nothing is ever final. There are constant changes made that develop into a permanent world, like Drea. Maybe words didn't always hold a definite meaning.12

I was still sober when I entered the house earlier than I was supposed to, but I was determined to know what I held to my heart since that drunken night in Lundar. Kelsey sat in the black and white kitchen in one of her black chairs, looking at a magazine. I pulled out a chair and seated myself opposite of her, ready for the eye to eye confrontation.13

"You're home early," she simply said.14

I lit up a cigarette, bracing myself but she interrupted me.15

"Mom and dad called to say they want you home by Sunday. Your bus leaves tomorrow."16

I blew out a cloud of smoke, "What? Why? I thought I was here for two more weeks."17

"Same here."18

I sat there stunned. It proved me wrong in how positive I felt in everyone's words. There was this constant change that I could never understand or predict, especially when it was my change.19

I still wanted to know, especially from Kelsey. "Kelsey, I need to know from you about what happened that night in Lundar. It's important for me to know."20

She closed her magazine and looked at me straight in the eyes, "Are you drunk?"21

"Do I seem drunk? Come on, I need to know. I blacked out that night."22

"Bailey, I don't know where to begin. From what they told me was the party was out of control."23

There was only six or seven of us, "What?"24

"Listen to me Bailey. Mom said when they got there the party was out of control, the music was loud, and there was a large amount of cars there. When they got inside you were sitting on the couch, making out with some guy. Mom asked you where Tess and Farrah were, but she found them dancing on the kitchen table. Some guy grabbed Farrah and started leading her towards the bedroom, and Mom couldn't get to them right away. She got to them in the bedroom where another guy was with another girl. That young girl wasn't even aware of who that guy was."25

All negative thoughts were rushing to my head. "Was Farrah okay? What happened?"26

"They were okay. Mom and Dad broke up the party. Bailey, you need to be more careful. You shouldn't be at these kinds of parties where you girls split up."27

"So, why did you let me go to parties with Ariel and Greta?"28

I could see in Kelsey's eyes that she felt relieved that I knew. "Because they went through a similar thing with a friend of theirs. Their friend was raped Bailey. So, they know not to let themselves separate. You know, they sent you here because they believed you were out of control. They don't want to see you end up like Blake, or worse."29

I rose to my defense, "I am not like him." I couldn't know if those words were true, or partially true, or just a humungous lie. Like my parents, they assumed they knew Blake.30

"I know you're not. I see it, Bailey." But Kelsey knew the difference, she knew what I didn't.31

Those were the words that I knew had a definite meaning. For once, I wasn't questioning her words and trying to see what was under them.32

Chapter 2333

My room had that same sweet smell to it, welcoming me home. I sat on my old bed, staring at the walls that I knew too well. Quotes, lyrics, poems -- The words were still there that partially make up who I am. They were just a puzzle that I was mentally attempting to piece together. 34

I wondered if my new friends would know I missed them. By now, they knew I was home, and I never said goodbye. I also wondered if they even knew who I was because I still wasn't sure of it myself. And I didn't want to think of what they thought of me, because I couldn't know, and I didn't want to assume that I did.35

I never got to hear Jillian's wise words that at the time would have been helpful but I was glad to have been interrupted, because I wouldn't have figured it out myself. Maybe life lessons were better learned on your own.36

After I placed everything where they should be I hopped in my parents' vehicle and drove down to Tess' house. From previous phone calls I had knowledge that Farrah and Dirk were there too.37

I took a deep breath before I knocked on the front door. Tess' mother answered the door, giving me a large, welcoming smile.38

"They're in the bedroom. Go on up."39

I knew this house too well, I could have been blind and still found my way. But when I reached her door I didn't know what was next. It was too long. On the other side I could hear their small laughs and the same music that I needed to hear, that reminded me I was still me, and they were still them, even after a summer of no communication.40

I was greeted with hugs, and I found myself crying harder than I expected. Their appearances were somewhat altered but I was glad that our friendship wasn't.41

"We missed you," Dirk said through some tears. He hardly ever cried and when he did it was sincere and lonely. "You're our fourth."42

His last three words were what I needed to hear, because I knew I wasn't replaced or forgotten. I never knew until this moment that I greatly missed them.43

After a long conversation, I learned they declined their drinking at the realization of our errors in the past. Dirk and I always wondered when our time would come to stop and it finally stood in front of us, because now I knew what I didn't. I'd assumed the worst, believing that one of us had been hurt that night, in more ways than one. Despite the fact that it didn't occur to us, it occurred to someone who could have been us, and Farrah could have been another victim. It was a major reason that I vowed to myself and the other three after my knowledge of that last night in Lundar to quit alcohol until I was fully responsible of myself and my body.44

I felt at home, laughing once again, and just finally completing the small circle we formed. Three people sat in front of me that were similar in a quest of finding out who they were and I knew for a fact, without assumption, that they were as lost as I was.45

When I got home I found four people in my living room, awaiting my arrival. I was shocked but wondering why they were here.46

I brought myself to say something, "Hey, what are you doing here?"47

"Well, you know we just like to go for drives. So, we thought we'd come for a visit," Ariel said.48

"And you also never said goodbye," Shelly said.49

I sat myself in the arm chair, "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry about that. I wanted to call but I haven't had time."50

"We can't stay long, actually, we can't stay any longer. We just came to say hi," Greta said, giving me a smile.51

We stood up and gave each other hugs. "Well, at least I can say goodbye now."52

I watched the three of them walk out of my house and turned to find Julian looking at me. I didn't know what was next until he finally said something.53

"You thought I was like every guy you know," he said without an expression on his face.54

I knew he was right. I didn't give him a chance, believing that he was like every guy I knew. I judged him.55

"I know that because I can read people. It just takes practice. That's why I didn't bring up the kiss either. But considering this will be the last time I see you, I wanted you to know that I'm not. You just have to look deeper into someone's words and sometimes their actions."56

And without any response to that, Julian kissed me. It was my first sober kiss in two years. It meant more to me than he could ever know. I realized I missed out on being with him and I would never know the results of it. But I let it go because I made the mistake in my judgement and I had to accept it. And in seconds, he walked out my front door and continued on the road trip back to Kelstern.57

Blake and Kelsey were my siblings that I believed I knew, based on words and actions. It's too easy to hear and see what you want and to make something of it. But the day comes when the easiness of it all just becomes plain difficult.58

Words are a lost world that have to be examined to really see what they are or what they aren't. It's equivalent to the unaccounted quests in finding who you are. You just have to take a magnifying glass to identify the true meaning of words and who you are. It can either be fake, partially true, or just deeply true. It all depends on what you want to believe.59