Deeper Than Words: chapters 19-21

Chapter 191

When I showed up five days after the incident at Greta's party, I was prepared to deal with Julian, as I had with other guys, going on as though nothing out of the ordinary happened. So I wasn't worried.2

Julian reacted the way I'd expected, as though nothing happened. It somewhat furthered my point in believing he wasn't any different like I once thought. We continued our duties at the store, did the daily things we did. I flipped through magazines; he watched movies. With my luck, Shelly was on a trip to the city for a dentist appointment. 3

A song that I hadn't heard in years began playing on the radio and I asked Julian if he could turn the movie off for just this song. He pressed stop, "I have to do something anyways." He moved himself from behind the counter and walked toward the back room. I turned the volume up, listening to the familiar beat, the words would begin in about twenty seconds. 4

"You know, this song has been covered many times," Julian said, walking down the aisle.5

Of course I knew that, "Yeah, I know."6

"None of them are any good," he said, walking towards me.7

I thought of the covers I heard, "Well, some of them are good. I've heard a few."8

"Come on, if the original wasn't made, would those bands come up with that song on their own?"9

I thought about that, "No, I guess not. But what about you?"10

"What about me?"11

"Haven't you liked a cover song?"12

He stood there, face to face with me, "I doubt it."13

"It's a yes or no question," I said.14

"Well, then no."15

Before noon, Ariel walked in with Drea, sounding the bell at the door. Her red hair was coming out, as her roots slowly began showing. Drea saw something and began running off towards it, while Ariel stood in front of the counter, smiling.16

"How's work?" she asked, still smiling.17

I raised my eyebrow at her, "Okay, why are you smiling?"18

"It's a beautiful day, Bailey. Can't I smile about that?"19

I giggled, "Yeah, sure. And work is just dandy."20

"Yeah, I kinda thought so. I thought Drea and I needed some fresh air and sunlight, so we drove to the park and came here."21

I watched Drea grab candy off a lower shelf, "Uh oh, I think she wants something."22

Ariel looked back to see Drea with her hands full, "I don't think so girly." Ariel looked back to me, "Where's Shelly?"23

"Dentist," I shut the magazine in front of me, "Where's Greta?"24

Ariel rolled her eyes, "Probably still sleeping." Greta didn't care about getting a summer job and just solely relies on her parents money. During the day she sleeps until the afternoon and is up in the wee hours of the morning, and then falling asleep. "Well, she needs to eat. Come see me tonight or something after work."25

"Okay, bye." Ariel picked Drea up, dropping the candy on the shelf, and walked out. 26

*27

The four of us had a smile plastered on our faces, too -- because we had alcohol in our hands. That was just how it worked. We planned and saved money, and then by nine o'clock we were starting our party, small or big. Usually, the parties were at Farrah's or Tess', depending on whose house was vacant. And then there were the odd times that we went to a party. It was all fun and games.28

I began wondering when we would stop drinking so much but we never took that turn and continued.29

"Where's the next party?" Dirk asked, smiling and obviously drunk.30

I took a swig of my beer, "It's only Friday you fool."31

"Oh, yeah."32

Sometimes, it got to be too much. We couldn't distinguish one party to the next, it was a mixed up calendar. Most of all, the arguments began. At the end of the party, someone was always in a bad mood, sometimes, it was more than just one person. It was aggravating because all the fun was gone and our parties were just another thing we had to attend to. We had the many opportunities to stop, to come to a halt but we kept on, not caring or hoping anything would get better. And suddenly, the fun and games stopped. Our smiles didn't last as long and didn't hold anything to them.33

*34

"I brought you two some lunch," Annie walked in, carrying a bag. "Don't want you to survive on this junk food." Annie was the type of person to think of others first, rather than herself.35

Julian shut his movie off, "I forgot it was lunch. What'd you bring, mom?"36

"Spaghetti and meatballs. I was just so busy this morning that I forgot your dad and Shelly went to the city and I started cooking lunch." Annie set two round containers on the counter, spaghetti and meatballs sitting inside. "Why don't you both go outside and eat. It's nice out. I'll do the till if anyone comes in."37

Maybe it was the fact that I didn't want to disappoint Annie by not eating her food when I joined Julian on the bench outside. I wasn't used to the idea of eating at lunch, preferably eating when my stomach began crying for food. But in Kelstern, everything worked a bit more differently for me, and I couldn't put my finger on why I was able to adjust easily.38

The bare room that Kelsey gave me was very annoying when I first saw it. I wondered how I could live in there and make it mine, a safe place to isolate myself. I'd gotten used to it, believing the room was mine either way.39

The relationships among people in Kelstern was more different than I could imagine. There weren't known enemies, whispering of someone who walked by, or a look at someone who was made to be lower than you. Sure, there was the local gossip and labels on people, but it wasn't as vicious as Lundar's world. Mainly, everyone interacted with each other, trying to maintain the peace between each other and the town.40

"So, what do you want to eat?" Ariel asked Greta and I.41

I looked at the cards I held in my hand , "It doesn't matter." Greta agreed with me and we continued playing a game I just learned. Ariel and Greta introduced me to a new game that didn't involve alcohol or math, which happens to be my worst subject. 42

"Okay, I'll just grab some cake or something," Ariel opened the fridge. "Larissa hardly eats it so she won't care." I'd also learned that Ariel cooked cakes for fun, using tons of icing. Her favorite happened to be chocolate. 43

It was the first time I saw Ariel's house on the inside and it held some different colors to the walls, which happened to be a soft purple and an orange in the bathroom walls. It wasn't a big house, considering only two people lived in it. It was just your basic two-bedroom house.44

"She makes the best cakes," Greta set her cards down, ready to attack the slice in front of her. "You should try some."45

Ariel set a slice and a fork in front of me. Greta's mouth was full, chewing away at the chocolate cake and the white icing. Ariel didn't make simple cakes, as she added the wrong icing and used a lot of toppings, such as gummie bears, worms, mints, jujubes, and the list went on. After I had my first bite, I had to admit it was the best cake I'd ever eaten, possibly because cakes weren't a big thing for me in the past.46

"Yeah, I make them from scratch. None of that Betty Crocker bullshit," Ariel said, forking a piece into her mouth.47

I handed my cards over to Ariel who was going to show me how to beat Greta. They were competitive with this game, sometimes playing for money. Card games were always just something to do, never a hobby. When alcohol was involved I found myself really involved, trying to make everyone else drink. 48

I set my plate in the sink. "Greta, I forgot your scarf again."49

"Oh, it's fine. You know what, it's yours," Greta set her cards down. "I never wore it but it looks better on you."50

"Did you see that, Bailey?" Ariel was smiling and shuffling the cards. "I beat her."51

"Thanks, Greta. Yeah, I saw it. Way to go," I said.52

Chapter 2053

Kelsey insisted on painting my room, to get a little color in there. However, I couldn't decide on a color. We continuously looked at the painting store, trying to find the right one. We made faces and comments at the ones we couldn't possibly think of using. We looked at purples, oranges, blues, yellows. We stopped at the greens, flipping through the darks and neons. I finally found the green I could stand -- sea green.54

"You want a sea green on your walls?" Kelsey asked me.55

I nodded, "Why not?"56

"Okay then. Are you sure?" 57

I nodded again, "Yeah."58

We paid for our paint and supplies and were on our way. Kelsey asked Ariel and Greta to help us paint, which they more than willing to do. Kelstern, like any other small town had its limits to recreation. The thing I didn't know were the invitations they made to Shelly and most of all, Julian.59

"The more the merrier," Kelsey said, setting the paint cans down on the kitchen floor.60

Ariel smiled, "And I brought a cake. You know, for motivation."61

I couldn't imagine how unmotivated we would be, considering we had more than enough painters. Kelsey left with Drea to visit Larissa, saying I had enough help. As we entered my room, we started moving the furniture into the hallway. Julian moved the dresser, while Shelly and Greta struggled with the mattresses. I hooked my stereo up in the hallway, adding some background music to our duties. Ariel set the paint cans and supplies on a ratty towel.62

"Okay, which wall first?" she asked.63

Julian raised his eyebrow at her, "Does it matter?"64

"Man, I am blonde today."65

Shelly then raised a question, "We should just each take a wall. It will be easier that way."66

Four of us took a wall each and Shelly sat near the ratty towel, playing with the paint. The white, bare walls were no longer to be in sight after our tasks were done, I thought. It was my first time painting, considering that my parents never totally trusted me with paint, ironic to the more dangerous instruments that I held in my hands for them to see.67

The more that the color grew on the walls, I smiled, knowing how much more this room would be mine. The smell and the heat was enough to aggravate me but past experience with unfinished tasks urged something inside of me to continue. And while Shelly sat with the paint and complained about the heat, I ignored his comments, listening to the music behind his voice.68

If this had been Tess, Farrah, Dirk, and I, we would have been cracking open the beers and just resting until we decided it was time to start painting again. There was the small possibility that we would work right through and down our beers as a reward for a task we would never choose to do. It wasn't that we were lazy but more of the fact that we preferred to sit around and drink beers just because we could. Again, I couldn't imagine what they were doing at this moment, because it was a month or more since I last spoke to any of them, for Dirk, it was longer. They were three people out of my reach, just another world that I couldn't even touch. And I missed them.69

Ariel cut slices of her vanilla cake with chocolate icing and gummie bears for toppings, handing them to us on our break after the first coat of paint was drying. We sat in the black and white kitchen, still listening to the music that played in the hall upstairs. Now, our faces were hot, our bodies sweating. The heat was getting intense. And the sun hadn't gone down yet, taunting us with its fiery heat. "I'm sorry you guys, the air conditioning just broke a few days ago," I said, filling my cup with water.70

Ariel shoved a forkful of cake in her mouth, "It's fine. Just a nice, cold shower should make me feel better."71

"It's not a cold shower," Shelly said, as though he knew everything. "It's a hot shower that will make you feel better."72

Julian interrupted, "We should just go to the lake."73

Ariel's eyes widened, "We should! That will be the biggest reward for enduring this heat."74

At least an hour later, we were applying the second coat. This time, Shelly brought a magazine to entertain himself. A nice breeze flew through the room, grabbing at my warm skin. Greta hardly said any words and I was confused as to why, but I didn't question it aloud. The heat was enough to stop the whole world from talking, as though there was the possibility of a large quantity of sweat with just a few words more.75

I bumped into Julian, not focusing on the area I'd been moving towards. We hadn't crossed paths since the party or work, I'd been angry with myself to attempt avoiding conversations or confrontations with him, but he constantly put me off guard. When I hadn't expected words from him, there they were, floating in my ears, with words forming at my tongue for a response. I couldn't help to notice his eyes were green, which I always liked in a guy. But I couldn't focus on liking him when I was angry with myself for repeating events that I made and with beliefs that he was like every other guy that I wanted to avoid. So I ignored our bump and continued, trying to focus on something other than him.76

Shelly was making comments on the articles he read, as though we were as involved as he was. As we finished, we looked at our work, from the walls to the closet to the ceiling. It was nicely done. I grabbed my paint brush, listening to Shelly about his idol, and dragged paint down the back of his shirt.77

"Bailey!" he shrieked. 78

"You did nothing this evening, I couldn't help myself," I said, as though it was the perfect excuse for my actions. And then I dabbed more sea green paint on his neck, as he looked at me with a devilish smile.79

"Oh, Bailey, this is going to be hard to wash out. My mom is going to be so mad," he said, trying to look at the back of his shirt.80

Julian cut in, "Come on Shelly, she hasn't seen your clothes dirty since you were a kid. Even then, you tried your best to stay clean."81

We began laughing at Shelly, who started laughing at himself, believing how true Julian's words were. 82

They invited me to the lake, which of course I couldn't enjoy due to the cast that sat on my arm for the next two weeks. We ate the rest of the cake, gulped some water, and said our goodbyes. Now, an hour later I was alone. More shrill thoughts were taunting me. Julian, Lundar, Blake. I couldn't possibly escape my own mind even if I tried. It had been hopeless to focus on anything else, to distract me for just a second, because it all ended with the same results, where I was frustrated and more than confused. I'd wanted nothing more than to sink at the thought of alcohol flowing in my system.83

Most of all, I wanted answers that I couldn't have. With the last words You're drunk by Kelsey, I couldn't shake them off, desparately seeking what was hiding behind them. Even though all I had was sobriety, I wasn't capable of attaining the knowledge she did, too afraid of the answer I desparately wanted. In the last few days, I tried to build the courage to ask again, but when I remembered the words Kelsey spoke, I couldn't bring myself to ask that very same question. I believed it was more than I could handle, it was out of my hands, too far out of reach like Lundar.84

Chapter 2185

Janine invited me over for supper, seeing as I wouldn't see them for another week or so due to their vacation to Niagara Falls. Their luggage sat near the door, prepared for take-off tomorrow morning. I, on the other hand, didn't have the luxury of going on vacation, spending my summers in Lundar each year, up until now. So I couldn't possibly know if preparation the night before was just the sane thing to do or an over-achieving thing that nerds did.86

Jillian sat in the living room, accompanied with her usual cup of tea, and giving a home remodeling program a lot of attention. She gave her welcoming smile when I walked in and returned her eyes to the television. I'd also learned that this had been the month she lost Gina, her own sister. I couldn't imagine her reaction to the day, as I had always avoided the anniversary of Blake's death.87

The one thing I kept Tess, Farrah, and Dirk in the dark about was the day I lost my brother, escaping the feelings and memories I'd long ago suppressed. Forgetting was just another thing, which was used when I slipped into that same invisible pattern unknowingly. It didn't take much to convince them to go on a three day binge, which I could only afford, with me during spring break. They couldn't know anything, considering I'd left the details of Blake back home, where my friends hardly came. So we planned and had a good time. I drank my sorrows and continued my binge, without taking notice why it all even began. It just became another drunken story, another memory that I didn't realize held more than I thought.88

"Supper is just about ready, Bailey," Janine looked at the clock as she said this. "Have a seat."89

Michael came out of the hall, video camera in hands.90

"Hello, Bailey. It's been awful hot these past few days, don't you think?" he faced the camera towards me.91

I smiled, "Yes. Very hot."92

Michael was beaming at his camera. "I'm just testing this out. I bought it yesterday for the trip to Niagara Falls. By the way, would you like us to bring you anything?"93

"No, that's fine," I replied.94

The five of us sat through supper, talking about the blistering sun, their trip, and me. I didn't realize that this supper would consist of a focus on me, they asked questions, unlike Ariel and Greta, about my life in Lundar. Of course, they weren't the too personal questions and more of just a feel of who I was. I'd thought they knew enough, from the previous few questions Janine asked, however, Michael and Jazzy were raising the questions this round.95

The questions concerned my family, which I failed to mention Blake, believing it was the wrong time to start a new topic. I answered questions upon my schooling, what I'd planned to do after high school, the type of career I was interested in. I didn't have a definite answer upon the question of careers, as I was still confused about my 'calling', or so Tess called it. And when the question came up of my appearance in Kelstern this summer, I had to lie. I'd explained that I wanted to stay with my sister, a full out lie, and to just get away for the summer. That last part was half the truth. I'd wanted to get a sense of another summer elsewhere, but I hadn't expected it to occur the way it did.96

As a guest for supper, Janine insisted I sit down and relax, while Jazzy helped with the dishes. Michael cleared the kitchen countertops and the table, helping as much as he could.97

I excused myself for a cigarette and as expected, Jillian joined me. We sat on the wooden chairs near the door.98

"You should quit smoking, dear." Jillian's first words to me since I arrived.99

I exhaled a cloud of smoke, "I should."100

"But for now, can I have a puff?" she asked. I willingly handed it over, laughing as I did so. It was easy for Jillian to sneak a few puffs and cover her tracks, insisting the wind was blowing the cigarette smoke onto her clothes. Just like that, Janine and Michael stopped their questions, as though they believed every word she said.101

"You weren't telling the truth in there," Jillian handed the cigarette back to me, satisfied with the three puffs she had.102

I looked at her, forming the words in my mouth.103

"It's all in your face, dear. You couldn't look them in the eye and I saw the change in your face."104

I could tell Jillian, who went through the pain I did and lived through experiences, good or bad, having her chance at trouble. I began with my summer, how it began, and then I went on to Blake. I told the story in short form, hoping to avoid more explanations than I planned on making. Jillian listened, not focusing on the women walking by who were talking loudly about the latest wedding that was a big disaster.105

As Jillian began with her first word Dear, Jazzy opened the door.106

"Grandma, you have to take your medication now."107

From that point on, I couldn't get secluded with Jillian to hear the words she had to say. Janine informed her that she needed to finally pack, there was no time tomorrow. 108

I played my stereo and took a look at my new, colored walls. I couldn't help to smile to myself, realizing it was all mine. I reached under the bed, searching for the shoebox I abandoned. When I gripped it in my hands, I sat on the bed, waiting to look at the contents of it.109

A package of photos I developed my last day in Lundar, which had drunken bodies plastered within them. I flipped through the party pictures, finding low-bloodshot eyes, drunken, goofy smiles, and faces that I hadn't seen, other than my dreams, for quite some time.110

And there it was. The only picture that consisted of "the four". The first picture that held faces of Tess and I, with the background of a smaller face of Farrah and Dirk's stomach -- we tossed it to the dumpster. As I examined the picture closely, I found us linking our arms together, beer cans in our free hands. We were smiling like drunk fools, but it was decent, as we were dressed properly, our hair in place. The only problem was the fact of the alcohol that constantly played a factor in our get-togethers.111

I grabbed a few clear tacks from the shoe box and hung that picture above my bed. I rummaged through pictures I liked and hung those around the main picture I had to show Tess, Farrah, and Dirk when I got back. They'd wanted copies because it would the first and probably the only picture of the four of us together.112