Deeper Than Words: chapters 16-18

Chapter 161

"So, work is good?" dad asked at the other end of the line. It was the second phone call I received from my parents; this time, dad spoke to me.2

I carried the cordless phone outside with me, "Yeah," I sat on the bottom step, "How's work for you?"3

"Oh, it's the same old. Same, usual business stuff," I could hear pages flipping in the back, "Your dog is lonely for you. He whimpers and claws at your door every time your mother lets him in."4

I thought of King, who I had ignored for the constant weeks that I was lost in that pattern. It felt assuring to know that someone did miss me. "Have you fed him for me?" I knew the answer to that. Dad was always feeding him and I never had any worries of King starving.5

"Of course, honey. I can't let that poor thing starve," dad said, somewhat chuckling.6

The sun was winding down, the clouds clear of the sky. "So, where's mom?"7

"Grocery shopping. She should be back soon. Did you have to talk to her?"8

I picked at my foot, "No, I was just wondering." I began wondering about my friends, tempted to ask questions, but more tempted to call them after this phone call. But I didn't have the courage and it was unknown why. I scrutinized the idea of it, thinking of countless scenarios that could occur over the phone.9

"Okay, honey. Well, give Kelsey and Drea my best wishes. I don't want to keep you away from the summer. Bye," and dad hung up. The phone calls I had received were no more than five minutes, as though they were checking up on me, to see if I was still here and not running off like I did before. But I never questioned their motive for calling. Maybe it was a parent thing, making sure I was fine. But I could never know.10

It didn't matter if anyone kept me from the summer because I never anticipated any fun from it. Not only a year ago did I find out that I have Seasonal Affect Disorder, that unnoticingly approached me every winter. There those blistering, cold nights that I could find myself in tears or with a razor in hand. It was easier to create my pain and focus on it, rather than the inside pain. Other times, I could find myself, angry, throwing and breaking things just because I couldn't control my frustration. It had upset mom to find her precious vase broken to pieces on the floor the night that I constantly cried over a reason I can't seem to understand now. The school guidance counsellor, whom I only went to a few times because I had no one else, introduced me to my disorder.11

Summer was always a dread, believing that it was no better than the winter, which is my favorite season. I felt it never held anything for me, despite the time I get out of school. Even in a new place, I feel not completely alive, like I used to be, or at least thought myself to be.12

"So, what did dad have to say?" Kelsey asked, carrying Drea on one hip, standing in the doorway.13

I rolled my eyes, "Same as mom's. A check-up."14

"Oh, come on, Bails. They miss you." But I couldn't bring myself to say anything else, tired of lectures. And it seemed that Kelsey wanted to say more, but I silenced her with my own silence and blank expression. Maybe I needed to hear what she had to say but I didn't want to, because it would be one more thing on my memorized list to evade, one more thing to continue in my thoughts.15

After hopping in the shower, I felt much better, washing all those feelings down the drain for just the night. Endlessly watching the television helped me depart from my mind. I had a routine on every Wednesday nights; the characters had their own, differing problems that widened my thoughts and I began worrying about someone other than myself, even if they were only characters that no real place in life. My placement on the lavender couch resulted in a deep sleep that Kelsey let me fall into, covering me up, and shutting the lights off.16

Another snake enters my dreams. This time I am with people from Lundar who I don't normally hang out with, and we are shoved out the back door of a house that faces a large field of grass. We know why we want to go back in the house. There are holes largely separated among the hills of grass. We begin running further down the grass and suddenly a large snake is oozing through the holes. We continue running, jumping over the body of the snake.17

"Bails, wake up. It's me Kelsey," Kelsey shakes me, kneeling beside me, "You were talking in your sleep again."18

I rub my eyes, realizing it was just a dream, "Again?"19

"You've been talking in your sleep a few times. I could hear you from my room. This time I decided to wake you up."20

Sometimes, I am so far into the dream that I forget that I can wake up, "Oh, yeah. It was just another snake dream."21

"Snake dream?"22

I sit up, "Yeah. It's been the third one now. I don't know why I keep dreaming about them."23

"Are you afraid of snakes?"24

I shake my head, "Not really."25

"Hmm. Well, I was going to make something to eat. You hungry?"26

I remove the blanket, feeling hot, "What time is it?"27

"It's one-thirty. Drea wet the bed again."28

I get off the lavender couch and follow Kelsey into the black and white kitchen, "I thought that was fixed."29

"It was. But a couple of weeks back she had an accident," Kelsey works her way to the fridge, while I turn the light on. "This has just been the second accident. Gosh, I don't know why this keeps happening to her. The doctor says she's made great progress though."30

I sit myself on one of the black chairs, in front of me lies an entertainment magazine but I've already read it during a slow day at Red's Gas 'N Go. That day, Shelly came in late with a bad hang over, "I so totally didn't get enough sleep. Kill me now." I laughed at him and showed him the latest scandal in the paper, which he gasped at, hand over his mouth. He lived for the entertainment business, hoping to be a celebrity hair stylist one day. He was mesmerized with the scandals and the news of the celebrities. I grabbed a bottle of tylenol from the cupboard and set it in front of Shelly. "That's not going to help, honey," he said, looking very tired.31

"Oh, come on, it will at least take the headache away, even if just a bit," I said, knowing from experience. I opened the bottle for him and set the tablets in his hands. "So, how bad was this party?"32

Shelly smiled, "It was awesome, Bailey. You should have been there." Shelly was not a constant drinker, but he occasionally had a drink with his boyfriend during the weekdays, which lead to an awful hang over and sometimes a mistake with his job, pumping at least five or ten dollars more than told, which came out of his paycheck. Sometimes, Shelly invited me along but I refused considering it was a weekday and I knew work would be crucial to make. "Since, you never come out with me during the week, you gotta come to Greta's this weekend. She's going to throw a small party. You in?"33

Chapter 1734

"Honey, we need to do something with your hair!" Shelly said, sitting on the lavender couch. It was Friday, Greta's small party was about to begin in three hours. "I know just what we can do with it." Shelly ran off to the bathroom, beginning to rummage through the drawers.35

Ariel and Greta sat on the other couch, shrugging their shoulders, unsure of Shelly's coming actions. Kelsey sat in the kitchen with Larissa, just returned from their shifts. They knew of the party and warned us of letting the party get any bigger than planned.36

"Here we are," Shelly walked past me, holding a hair straightener. We followed him in the black and white kitchen, "Sit down," he held out a chair for me.37

"You're going to straighten her hair?" Kelsey asked, smiling, about to drink her coffee.38

Shelly plugged the straightener in the wall, "Her waves are perfect but let's see it straight for once."39

"My hair has been straightened before. Besides, this is a small party, Shelly," I said, laughing. "I don't need to look good for anyone, you know."40

Shelly started parting my hair, "You never know."41

After about fourty minutes, my hair was straight like it never has been before. I couldn't have done a better job; he really knew how to work magic with that thing. The girls made compliments, saying it was a difference compared to my usual wavy hair. Shelly wrapped up the straightener and put it back in its place. "Now, let's see what you can wear."42

"What?" I said, wondering what he was planning next.43

Shelly rolled his eyes, "Oh, come on. We have to get the right outfit to complement your hair. Now, where's your room?"44

Kelsey and Larissa laughed, "It's upstairs," Kelsey replied.45

Shelly, Ariel, Greta, and I climbed up the stairs and walked to the back room, which was mine. They didn't have much to look at, considering the walls were white and bare, and the only furniture consisted of a night stand, my bed, and my dresser. I sat on my bed and told Shelly that my closet and bottom drawers held my clothes. Greta looked at my stereo and CD's, "Wow, this is a nice stereo."46

"My sister bought it for me. Got it from Radioshack," I said.47

Greta picked up a CD, "I didn't know you listened to them."48

"Oh, yeah." I opened the window, letting a breeze in the stuffy, white room. Shelly rummaged through my closet, then my drawers. He continued mumbling to himself, drawing clothes in the air and then eying me, checking to see which would work to complement my hair. He complained that I had too many black tops. I rolled my eyes, believing that it wasn't true. Ariel smiled to herself, shaking her head. The girls were too used to Shelly to laugh like I did, or ask questions, which they never did. 49

"Do you have a marker?" Greta set herself in between Ariel and I, "I want to sign that thing." 50

I searched through the drawer of my night stand and handed her the marker, and she began writing. Her writing was neat, with block letters and hearts to dot her i's. Like Ariel, she left a quote that I couldn't understand. She drew a stick man and signed her name.51

Dropping a top and a pair of jeans at the end of the bed, Shelly said, "I am still thinking about what I want to write," as though someone had asked him. "Okay, here is the top I think will look great with your hair." He held up a green top. "And these jeans don't have such heavy material so it will work in the heat."52

I changed into the clothes and modeled them for Shelly, who smiled with delight. I expected Shelly to dress me up for the night, but he picked out laid-back clothing that had some style to it. "We are missing something. A belt, perhaps?" he looked over towards Ariel and Greta.53

"I have a belt at the house. And I also have a scarf that will look great with those jeans. Do you have a yellow top?" Greta said, her eyes widening.54

Shelly answered before I could, "I found this great yellow tank top in the drawer. Take that green one off." 55

I changed in front of them again, and they didn't watch or react. I had been so used to changing in front of Tess and Farrah, that I believed it wouldn't be any different in front of these three.56

Greta asked to do my make up, and I let her. I requested no blush or foundation. She worked with the make up I had, adding no eyeliner. "You wear too much of this," she said, tossing it to the bed, after I handed it to her. Tess and Farrah wear more eyeliner than I do, I thought. Tess and Farrah are obsessed with eyeliner, never going without it. Their make up had always been flawless, no smearing or streaking like mine always had.57

I stood in front of the lengthy mirror in Kelsey's room after I was done. Kelsey stood beside me, smiling, "You look great, Bails. Shelly really knows what he's doing, doesn't he?"58

"Yeah, he does," I smiled. Looking back at me, I was saddened at my appearance. I was mesmerized with the wonders that Shelly and Greta performed. Greta didn't apply as much make up as it felt, it was simple and sweet, she said. And it looked great, different than the dark, dramatic eyeshadow I use, or the dark eyeliner I need to apply. The outfit, not complete was bright for me, indicating that I was on top of the world, when deep down I didn't feel like it. Appearances seem to hold everything. And when the cast on my right arm stood out, it just held another part of me.59

Greta picked me up, handing me the scarf she promised to lend me. I wrapped it around my waist as we drove down the gravel road. Greta wore a pink top with grey capri pants, and she smelled of vanilla perfume. It was the first time I'd seen her drive, and she was a good driver, not the snail-type driver or having the need to outright speed. We reached a brick house, Ariel's, who came out in a black top I'd lent her and in a nice pair of jeans. Like me, they weren't dressed to kill, but to look reasonably good. As we pulled away from her yard, a dog began barking.60

Greta's house sat in town, in the middle of a nice, clean neighborhood. Inside, the walls were painted an eggshell white, that held school pictures of Greta, starting from Kindergarten to her recent picture. Family pictures stood on another wall. Plants hung and sat everywhere, Greta's mother's hobby. It added to the collection of flowers along the pathway to the door outside.61

The party started off with good music and with a beer in my hand. Shelly sat on the opposite couch beside Ethan and Greta. I sat on the couch with Julian and Ariel. Their were other people who showed up, who I just met. We were all in our own conversations; Julian was telling me stories about Shelly, who had transformed their mother into a cheap-looking whore just for fun one day.62

Julian and Shelly's mother, who I had met a few days after I started work, was nice, cheery, and told me stories about her sons. She was a good sport and easy-going. She told me that it wasn't any surprise to learn that Shelly was definitely gay, as he was always feminine for who he was. He constantly asked for assurance on his outfits and complimented his mother on hers.63

When he wasn't working at Radio Shack, it was always interesting to work with Julian. Like his mother, he told stories. Sometimes, he told them in similar ways that Annie, his mother did. And like his dad, he was constantly focused on something, either a car magazine, or a movie.64

"One day, Shelly," Julian began, "comes up to me and introduces his boyfriend--"65

I laughed, interrupting him, "Okay, that's one thing I have to ask you." I took a shot of my beer. "Almost every guy I ask is just freaked out. I ask them what would they do if they find out their friend is gay, and they just freak out, saying they'll punch him out and stuff. Weren't you ever freaked out?"66

"That's what I was getting to," he replied, taking a shot of his beer. "Well, Shelly was always different. And when he told my family, I was a bit surprised, and at the same time, I wasn't. He never dressed up in my mom's clothes like I heard of other guys. I adjusted to him. But when he introduced his boyfriend, I didn't want to stand there." I laughed at him and lit a cigarette. "It was just more than what I was used to."67

Julian was a bit more curious than Ariel and Greta. During that first day of work, he asked what happened to my arm. I gave him the short version, that I was drunk and fell down the stairs. And when he asked why I came to Kelstern for the summer, I didn't want to lie. I gave him another short version, I was constantly getting into trouble, I was supposed to be grounded and took off to get drunk. Julian wasn't surprised at the things I told him, but just listened to me and made a few comments that didn't hold anything behind them.68

As the party grew bigger, I found myself feeling the alcohol. Maybe it was the fact that it was a Friday night or someone had let it slip that Greta's house was empty of parents and a party was going down. People knocked on the doors, already tipsy, and asked to join. Greta didn't mind, as long as the neighbors didn't make a huge deal of it and the visitors were gone by the time she was ready for bed.69

Ariel sat beside me, "Heavy conversation with Julian?"70

"Yeah," I laughed, "I guess."71

She waved her hand in the air, "So, do you like him?"72

I didn't know what to say. She caught me. I didn't have to say anything because Ariel began smiling.73

"I knew it. You are a quiet person, but I knew there was something different about you," Ariel was very tipsy, as she held her drink in the air, waiting for mine to collide with hers.74

Tyler entered the house but Ariel didn't notice, and when she did, she didn't react. As of that night at the lake, they had broken up. Greta insisted that he was too complicated and much too afraid of commitment, but Ariel just waved her off, saying she could care less anymore. The more she said it, I believed it. Her words were too true to be taken for anything else.75

I mingled with the people I hardly knew, talking about things I couldn't remember after a few sentences. They asked where I was from, how I liked Kelstern, and then we moved on to other topics. Unlike the people of Lundar, they didn't complain about their small town, or really wanting to get away. If they felt that way, they kept it hidden, in too silent words for me to hear. The volume grew louder, as the residents of the party got more intoxicated. No one had thought of turning it down and continued yelling over the music at each other.76

I found Greta standing with Shelly, laughing her head off at something he said. "Are you stoned?" I asked, unsure of her condition at this point.77

"What? No," she said, still laughing, "just you know, a little drunk." I realized that only in Lundar that people brought out marijuana at parties. Here, in Kelstern, they stuck to their alcohol. Or so I thought. Someone walked by, talking about lighting a joint outside. Immediately, I wanted to ask if I could join but I stayed put, standing with Shelly and Greta, who were now talking to each other, oblivious to me standing there.78

After I took a few hits of that joint, I set myself on one of the black couches. I sipped at my beer and lit a cigarette. A song I knew too well began playing, and the room started spinning and it felt good, familiar. I then wanted desparately to talk to Tess or Farrah or Dirk, someone I could tell about my feelings that have been secretly held in my heart, or at least ask questions that I had no answers to. I finally had the courage, after four weeks, to call one of them up when Julian sat down.79

"Drunk?" he asked. "You don't look like you're all there."80

I flicked my ashes in an ashtray on the coffee table, "Uh yeah, a little. How about you?"81

"I feel pretty good."82

After small talk with Julian, my thoughts simmered and I felt better than I had. Thoughts about Lundar were far gone. Julian didn't let on if he was drunk or not, but I continued talking with him, not caring if I was obviously drunk and stoned. And it was then that I kissed Julian, who didn't pull back. Like my same acts in Lundar, I couldn't taste anything. It seemed like minutes before I pulled back, realizing I was the same person I tried to pull myself away from. It was the same act that I used, kissing either Trey, Merv, Kerry, or Joel at the crucial time when I was more careless and drunk. I didn't want to be the same way. Not with Julian. I sat there, not looking at him, comparing him to those guys in Lundar. It hit me then that he was the same as they were, not caring about who they were with, as long as they had someone. He was the guy I couldn't bring myself to like, and yet I had, because I thought he was different.83

I stared at myself in the mirror, locked in the bathroom after I removed myself from the couch. The same, stoned, drunk girl who had no ambitions or goals. My straight hair was now no feature to make me look any different than I felt, and my outfit held nothing but a top I hardly ever wore. I stared down at my jeans, remembering the many times I had worn them to parties, because they had been my favorite. My low, bloodshot eyes were nothing I never saw before, and it hit something within me that almost made me cry. I lifted my strap to find the scar that settled on my left shoulder since that party I had wrestled with Darian, who threw me in subtle move, where I hit my head against the coffee table. I didn't know how I got the long, outstanding cut on my shoulder. I touched my head and a bump lay there, months after the cut healed. And just like that night, I wanted to go home, where I could hide my pain, emotionally and physically.84

Ariel drove me home in silence. I walked out of the bathroom, requesting a ride home and when she put it off for five minutes, I got impatient and began speaking in an angry voice. For a drunk person, Ariel was capable of driving carefully and reasonably, not attracting any attention. When we reached Kelsey's house, I said thanks, and we said our goodbyes.85

Kelsey opened the door to find me drunk. "Why are you home so early?" she asked, the television was buzzing.86

"I wanted to come back."87

She shut the door after I moved inside, "Why?"88

"Because."89

"Why, Bailey?"90

"Because I felt like shit, that's why."91

Kelsey turned the television down, "Weren't you having a good time?"92

"Yeah, I was. It's just -- nothing. Nevermind." I didn't want to go further with this, I just wanted to get to the phone, to call Tess or Farrah or Dirk. I didn't care if it was a Friday, I was going to find them; they usually partied at Tess' or Farrah's so it wouldn't be a difficult task. I walked over to the phone and picked up the receiver.93

"Who are you calling this late?" Kelsey asked.94

After I fumbled with the dials, the phone began ringing. I ignored Kelsey. After few solid rings, the answering machine at Tess' picked up. I began dialing Farrah's number when Kelsey asked again.95

"Just nevermind, Kels."96

Kelsey walked over, picked up the receiver and hung it up. "You can talk to Ariel or Greta in the morning. It's late and you're drunk." She said those last two words, as though I didn't know what I was doing, and that I was capable of some sort of terror.97

"I wasn't calling them."98

Kelsey looked me in the eyes, "You are not calling to Lundar." She said it firmly, finally showing a responsibility that my parents placed in her hands.99

I stared at her, "Oh, this is just perfect." I shook my head, "Well, then maybe you can answer this for me."100

"Okay, what?" she asked.101

"That night mom and dad picked me up at Farrah's, what happened. Do you know?"102

Kelsey stood there, still looking at me, but didn't say anything for what seemed to be minutes. "Go to bed, Bailey. You're drunk." She said those words again, holding something behind them. At that point, I wasn't sure that I did want to know, no matter the desparation I was feeling.103

I carried myself up to my room, played my stereo, a song I instantly knew the words of. I whispered along, laying on the bed, changed into my bed clothes, and fastly nodded off to sleep.104

Chapter 18105

I couldn't be a new and different person with no secrets anymore. The next day, with another bad hang over, Ariel approached me at Kelsey's before noon. It was then that I realized I wanted to tell Ariel everything I was holding back, because unlike the three in Lundar, she didn't leave me to be alone when I felt like being secluded from everyone. Tess, Farrah, and Dirk had always avoided me as I was either distant, untalkative, or bitchy, assuming that I wanted to be alone. At times, I wanted to be alone, but more so, I wanted to actually talk with someone but never approached anyone else. Other than that, I knew I was beginning down a path I continuously followed, and was being as complicated as always. Ariel didn't deserve that, just like Tyler didn't deserve her, because of his complications. Ariel deserved answers that she never asked for.106

"Here's your shirt," she said, placing it on the small table between the lawn chairs, "I didn't get to wash it. Sorry."107

I set my book down, "It's fine." At all times, I could find myself in a book, lost in the words and the plot, evadin the world around me, even if for the total hours I'd read.108

Tess easily made friends, creating special friendships with others. I, on the other hand was known as the bitch, and I wasn't as open as her. So, when I began scrutinizing the idea all morning of letting Ariel in on who I was, I came to a firm decision. Maybe she was what I needed, someone new who could possibly understand. A new friendship was something I could use.109

"I'm sorry for last night," I said. "I was just not --"110

Ariel cut me off, sitting in the other lawn chair, "It's okay. You don't have to explain."111

"You and Greta have never asked any questions. I was grateful for that. I just wish she were here to hear what I have to say." Ariel looked at me, wondering what was coming next.112

Farrah and I were never as close as we used to be. There was always something that held us back from confiding in each other. So we continued communicating through the Internet or while we were under the influence of alcohol; it was just a process between us. We did know the basic secrets of each other, but not the secrets that Tess or Dirk knew. When Greta wasn't sitting there, like Farrah didn't with Tess, I realized I would tell the same thing to her.113

After I told my stories about Lundar, my continuous weekends that included alcohol, the constant making out with guys when I was drunk, Blake, "the four" (Tess, Farrah, Dirk, and I), my cast, the drugs that I've used and abused, and my last night in Lundar, Shelly sat there, looking at me. Maybe she didn't expect any of those words to come out of my mouth.114

"So, that's why your parents sent you here?" she asked, the first words she said after my long story.115

I lit a cigarette, "Yeah. They said I was getting out of control. They don't know all of it, but they know I'd been getting drunk almost every weekend, and of course, they knew about my cast. I guess when I took off that night, when I was supposed to be grounded, they freaked."116

We sat outside, on the lawn chairs, through the afternoon. We set a large pitcher of juice on the table, tending to our thirsts. We talked more about Lundar and everything else I had spilled in those thirty minutes, and then we moved on to Tyler, who she already forgot about. She began telling me that she was sick of the repeating emotions she felt for him. They were the couple that was off and on, and for once, she finally decided to leave it off. So, when he broke up with her at the lake, she felt more relieved than angry or hurt. And then the topic of guys turned on me.117

"You kissed Julian?" Ariel asked, smiling and curious after I told her.118

"Yeah. I shouldn't have but oh well," I said, staring at the field across the house.119

"What, why?" she asked, surprised. "I know I'm blonde but I thought you said you liked him."120

"I don't know anymore."121

"Okay," Ariel said, leaving it at that. Even after our long conversation, spilling secrets, she remained the Ariel I knew, who didn't need answers.122

After Ariel drove home, I walked inside to find Kelsey setting the table. She ignored the incident that occurred last night and continued talking to me, silently assuring me that she wasn't angry. I'd expected her to be angry today, however, that's not Kelsey. I half expected her to talk of the words that were said last night because she was very predictable in that department, but she didn't. I sat down in one of the black chairs and Kelsey set Drea in her high chair. 123

We sat through supper, talking and laughing about Blake and forgotten memories. I'd forgotten the Prince music that we could find Blake blaring in his room, or the silly dances that he made to the music. What more I forgot was the song that we chose to play at his funeral. It all came rushing to me at once when Kelsey began speaking of Blake, telling me stories that seemed to be buried along with him. It was like reading your favorite book for a second time, opening and shouting words at you that you once memorized but left behind, as newer, heavier words came flying towards you. It sent an ache through my heart to knowledge that it had been five years since I saw his face up close or his voice, laugh, smile. I couldn't even remember the words that I'd last said to him, even though I'd held onto them the weeks after his passing. What hurt more was that I supressed all memories of him, jumping into a world that I thought could be the best cure, believing it was best to move on.124

I called Greta and for almost two hours, we talked. She wasn't in the dark anymore. Just like Ariel, she didn't question everything. But she did bring up the subject of Julian and our scene on the couch, which she had seen. "He was so confused when you left the couch." She told me about the guy she was talking with for the last hour of the party and he left his number with her. She didn't feel too confident in calling, believing it was just a thing that happens at parties; I informed her it didn't.125

I sat on Kelsey's computers upstairs, burning a new CD and checking my email. I found chain letters and other silly emails from friends. I was about to begin an email to Tess and Farrah but instead I logged out and shook away the idea of it. I didn't know what words would come.126