Deeper Than Words: chapters 10-12

Chapter 101

It's Friday night and I sit on the bed, listening to the same song for the past ten minutes. Kelsey is downstairs with Larissa, getting ready for a night on the town, so they say. My window is open yet again and I've lit a cigarette. The words to this song have no meaning to me, but the memories of this song sure do.2

"And I wonder where you are," Tess began singing, pointing at me, "And I'll whisper your name..." Tess loved to sing while she was drunk. When she reached the point of being intoxicated, you could always count on her to come out of the bathroom singing, or she could just sit there, not saying anything and then suddenly she's singing. She always made these face expressions as she did, and she had a marvelous voice. 3

Farrah just turned eighteen during the school week, so we drank that following Friday. We invited Trey, Joel, Kerry, and Evan over. We spent the night, drinking and getting high. It was the first time that my parents let me drink elsewhere. I felt such freedom. But the next day, I experienced such aching in my body and a bad hang over. We spent our hang over, watching movies and resting on the couches. 4

Following that weekend, we drank again, the next Friday. The four guys showed up again; we laughed, argued, and talked. That night wasn't a great success but I'd realized that you have to through some bad times to get to the good. There were times that I just didn't believe that philosophy anymore.5

That party, I made out with Trey and it was the first time that I ever done anything like that. But it was innocent, or so I think. Farrah and Tess were talking about serious things in the bathroom, and Dirk was passed out. It was predictable to see Dirk pass out early. He usually went to sleep four or five hours before we did. As much as he was predictable, our following Friday nights were just as predictable.6

"Bailey, we're leaving now," Kelsey stood at my doorway in black dress pants, with her trademark white top, but it was fancy. "So how do I look?"7

I smiled, "You look good. Real nice."8

Kelsey and Larissa walked out the door, saying their goodbyes and informing me not to worry. They didn't know when they would be back but I wasn't about to worry about that; they're adults. I played my CD's on the stereo downstairs and kept a watchful eye on sleeping Drea.9

Sitting on the couch, I thought of my old Friday nights. It had been almost three weeks since I had last gone out and got drunk. It became such a pattern for the four of us. Friday nights were filled with alcohol and drugs; Saturday a hang over, and then more alcohol and drugs; and Sunday, the worst hang over. Sometimes, I was able to avoid hang overs. While being hung over, I constantly consumed cups of grape juice and smoked what I had left of cigarettes. I can't stress how much money I've used on alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. 10

A picture stood out at me and it sat in the usual silver frame. My older brother, Blake was in the center. Two of his friends stood on the sides of him. They smiled hard, their eyes bloodshot. They weren't hung over. I distinctly remember that night. I was at least twelve at that point, Blake was eighteen, and Kelsey fifteen or sixteen. Kelsey was out a friend's house that night. Mom and dad took a picture of the guys before they left to a restaurant. Blake and his friends were stoned.11

Blake died that night because of an over dose on cocaine. For a few months straight, Blake continued to leave the house every Friday night. He would show up at home on Saturday looking hung over. Blake had his own pattern. Kelsey was always arguing with him, regarding the drugs he was continuously using.12

Blake and his friends were supposed to babysit me that night, but they went out for half an hour, going for a 'drug run', Blake called it. He shared his secrets with me, knowing I wouldn't tell mom, dad, or Kelsey. When they got back, they went straight to Blake's room. I could smell marijuana but I didn't intrude on their session. I just stayed in my room, listening to music, and writing in my journal.13

I never blamed myself for his over dose, even though I had known what was he up to. My parents were oblivious to the fact that he was a stoner. His poison: cocaine and vodka. We never got an answer as to where he came up with the cash to support his habit and we didn't question it.14

In the middle of the night, after my parents had gotten back and I fell asleep, one of Blake's friends came out screaming. "Call an ambulance!" he yelled throughout the house, he was high, "Mr. and Mrs. Lambert, Blake won't wake up!", I got out of bed and stood at my doorway, watching Blake's friend yell at my parents door.15

After a long explanation of what they took, the amount, and what happened my parents were still shaken. Kelsey came home after my parents called her. Blake's friends were charged with possession of narcotics and were sent to court, and to this day, I don't know what happened to them. Blake couldn't be saved. He had been gone for over an hour when they rushed him to the hospital.16

My parents couldn't hold Blake's friends responsible. But they still couldn't comprehend the whole ordeal and the four of us took counselling. I hated being told by a counsellor who my brother was and what he must have been going through. They didn't know him and they never could.17

Just as my parents were oblivious to Blake being a stoner, I am oblivious to the same situation I have run into. We ran through similar patterns but I've been pulled out of it. I thought I had grieved enough but silently, a tear slithers down my cheek, as I recall the last day he was alive, and the invisible pattern he fell into.18

Chapter 1119

As Sunday approached, I asked Kelsey to drive me to Janine's barbecue. Waking up at noon, I showered and changed into comfortable clothes. Drea sat in her usual playpen in a white shirt with blue shorts. Kelsey had a fan faced toward her but she was still quite warm, fanning herself with a paper in hand.20

"So, are you ready to take me, Kels?" I yelled to the living, as I reached for an orange in a drawer of the fridge.21

I heard her feet slapping against the floor, "Yeah."22

I peeled my orange on the drive over, slipping the peels out the window.23

"I have a bag in here for your garbage, you know," Kelsey said, shaking her head at me. I continued peeling my orange and slipping the peels out the window. Drea sat in her chair in the back seat, mesmerized with a toy she got from Larissa. Eating a piece of orange, I slid a piece in Drea's hands. She looked at it and smiled, then fumbled with it in her hands until it slid out of her hands and landed onto the floor. Her head was craned to see where it had landed but she couldn't get a glimpse of anything other than a toy. Feeling sorry for her, I handed another piece of orange to her, which she slid into her mouth easily.24

Kelsey knew the whole town. She had visited the neighborhood a few times and found Janine's address without a problem. A few vehicles were parked in front and with the window rolled down, I could smell a barbecue cooking. The two-story house was white, with green curtains hanging in the windows. My fingers wrapped around the door handle but I stopped myself and looked at Kelsey.25

"It'll be fine. Go have fun. Just call me when you need to be picked up," Kelsey said, giving an assuring smile. I opened the door and slid out, saying my goodbyes. 26

I rang the door bell and there was a buzzing of people inside. It took at least thirty seconds for Janine to answer the door.27

"Bailey! Come on in, honey," Janine said, as she grabbed my hand, leading me inside. "We were wondering when you were going to arrive." The walls, unlike Kelsey's place, were bare. They were colored a light green color. The furniture consisted of light browns and the couches were a deep green, matching the walls. "Jazzy was so worried that I wrote down the wrong address."28

I searched through the small crowd of people for Jazzy but I couldn't find my red-haired friend. Janine set me beside her mother, Jillian. She walked over to her husband, brought him over and introduced him to me, "This is Michael. Michael, this is Bailey. We met her on the bus."29

After many introductions, I locked myself in the bathroom, hoping to get away from a crowd I couldn't blend in with. I found myself talking with pregnant women, enjoying their pregnancies, despite the fact of morning sickness and weight gain; or with men who talked about something I didn't know anything about. I sat myself on the toilet to find that the walls were a light pink, with a red curtain, and a red bathtub. It was the first time that I'd seen a red bathtub. Curious as to whether it would be dark inside, I got the urge to stand inside and see for myself. Bottles and soap sat below the shower head in their own little basket. I closed the curtain to find myself in a darkness I was familiar with. Closing my eyes, images flowed to my head. I tried to shake them away but they wouldn't budge. Blake stood there, looking at me with low, bloodshot eyes. A tear came to my eye but I quickly wiped it away, as I heard Janine on the other side of the door, "Bailey, are you in there? We're ready to eat, honey."30

"I'll be right out Janine," I called with a shaky, muffled voice. I'd hoped she didn't suspect anything unusual like a girl standing in her red bathtub, only to satisfy her curiosity. But she walked away, tending to her guests. 31

Jazzy brought me a plate of food as I reached the backyard, which was filled with a pool, a swing set, and numerous toys. "My mom made a plate for you before the food was all gone. She didn't know what you liked so she put everything on it."32

Jazzy led us to a picnic table, where her grandmother sat, eating the corn on her plate. As I sat down beside her, she turned and smiled at me, her skin wrinkling to shape a smile. I smiled back. Jazzy ran to get us some juice and I devoured a hot dog. Michael and Janine sat on two lawn chairs eating their food, laughing and talking in between. The pregnant women loaded their plates and devoured their food hungrily; the men stood around eating with alcohol for their beverage. 33

Stuffing my face and heavily filling my stomach, I excused myself to light a cigarette at the front entrance, to avoid the pregnant women and giving off second-hand smoke. I took a last sip of my juice and lit a cigarette. Seconds later, Jillian opened the door and set herself beside me. "Hello dear," were the first and only words from Jillian, "Do you mind if I have a puff?"34

I looked at Jillian, as she sat in a purple sweater and grey pants, "I didn't know you smoke."35

Janine began nodding, "Michael had me quit a few years ago. I still sneak a few puffs now and then."36

"You are quite the rebel," I smiled.37

Jillian put her hand on my knee, "Oh honey, you don't even know the rest of it. Now, give me a puff before Jasmine comes out here."38

I couldn't help to laugh to myself; even my own grandmother didn't smoke. It felt funny to hand an elder a cigarette, but at the same time, it felt nice to share a cigarette with someone. Tess was the last person I remember handing a cigarette to, and so far I've had cigarettes all to myself.39

"Oh my, the clouds are getting dark," Jillian took a few puffs before handing the cigarette back to me, "Thanks a bunch, dear." She sat beside me, as I took my last few puffs. We sat in silence, watching the clouds hover above us. "We should head in before it starts to pour," Jillian said. I stood up, thinking Jillian would need a hand but she helped herself up. "I'm only seventy-six, dear. No assistance for me."40

"Grandma, it's raining. Look!" Jazzy came up to us, pointing out the window at the drizzle outside. The guests were saying their goodbyes to Michael and Janine. They extended their hands to me and Jillian, as they reached the door. I shook hands with the guests before they hurried out to their vehicles. They had no umbrellas or other shields from the rain, as they dressed for the warm day like I did.41

"It's time for cinnamon buns!" Jillian said, with a beam in her voice.42

Janine started sniffing the air, "Mom, you smell like smoke."43

"Honey, I only accompanied Bailey outside. I didn't want her outside by herself," Jillian said calmly. And that was that. Jillian covered her tracks easily. I desperately needed to learn that trick.44

I sat myself on one of the green couches and I noticed a shelf of numerous photo albums. I could hear Jazzy banging pans around. Michael, despite the drizzle, was clearing the plates and garbage from outside. Janine stood in the kitchen, filling the sink with dirty dishes. I brushed my hair behind my shoulders and walked over to lend a hand. "I don't mind the guests, but I hate the aftermath. It takes at least two hours to get the house back into place."45

I started clearing the dishes off of the island, "Yeah, my sister's house is a complete mess by the end of the day. Drea's toys and other things are always laid out."46

"Yeah, babies can be a hassle. So, how old is your niece?"47

I set the dishes on the counter, "She's two."48

"She looked so sweet sleeping in her carseat the other day," Janine said, smiling at me.49

Jillian and Jazzy moved around us, putting their cinnamons buns together and setting them in the oven. Jazzy pulled me from Janine, and led me to her room upstairs. Her room was colored a purple with a white border. Her bed was covered in purple. Her dresser was filled with pictures of her family and numerous stuffed animals laid on the floor by the closet. I strutted over to the pictures, studying the faces. I pointed to a picture of a woman with red hair, similar to Jazzy's, "Who is this?"50

Sitting on her bed, Jazzy looked up quickly, "That's Aunt Gina." Gina had remarkable features. Her green eyes shone in the flash of the camera, her hair whisked in the wind, and she stood tall like Janine. She had the widest, brightest smile I ever saw. I wondered to myself what had been so spectacular at that moment to create such a deep smile. I would never know. "Do you want to see more pictures of her? Mom has lots." Jazzy ran off and left me in her room. I examined more pictures. Gina and Janine, stood tall in a silly pose, both smiling proudly of Janine's huge belly, pregnant with Jazzy. Michael stood with Jillian in the next picture, his arm wrapped around her shoulder.51

"Here, Bailey. I'm going to help grandma. I'll be right back," Jazzy dropped two photo albums on her bed before rushing back downstairs. I flipped the album open to find a black and white picture of a baby, captions underneath read, Gina Lockhart. Below that picture was of Jillian. Similar babies, presumably twins. I flipped the page to find another black and white picture, Gina and Jillian, the age of five, in similar hairstyles and outfits, stood in front of a large tree.52

"Did Jazzy shove those in your hands?" Janine stood in the doorway smiling.53

I looked up, "Sort of."54

Janine, with her tall frame, sat herself beside me. "That's my aunt Gina. She passed away a month after that picture was taken. My mom named my sister after her."55

"What happened to her?" I asked without specifics of which Gina.56

Janine flipped the page over to a newspaper clipping, "Mom said they were swimming in the lake, and Gina went out too far. She was pulled under by weeds. By the time anyone had noticed, she was already too far gone for anyone to save her. Mom always talks about her but she never cries. For Gina, my sister's funeral, she had cried just for the funeral. Other than that, she'll talk about the both of them without any tears. I don't understand how she can do it."57

"How did your sister --" I began saying.58

Janine didn't let me finish, "Cancer. When she found out, she kept it hidden for a month. She refused to go for treatment because she didn't believe in suppressing her death. I encouraged her to go and mom didn't make any comment. She just listened to Gina. Mom and Gina were so close and alike. They were able to handle things a lot easier than I could. Mom still surprises me with her ways."59

I could hear Jazzy's laughs downstairs, telling her dad to put her down. "The cinnamon buns are ready!" Jazzy yelled to us, still somewhat laughing.60

"I love rainy days," Jillian sat in a green arm chair, "Nature is glorious, isn't it Bailey?"61

I smiled at Jillian, "It sure is." I set myself on a stool at the island. The sink was clear of dishes, the counter clean of any dirt. Michael stood at the stove, clearing the tray of the cinnamon buns and transporting them onto a large plate. Jazzy sat on a stool, watching her father. Janine grabbed a pitcher of juice from the fridge and set out some plastic cups.62

I watched Jillian sit in the arm chair, her eyes focused on the rain outside. I couldn't imagine the kinds of experiences she endured, or the pain that settled in her heart, or the constant thoughts in her mind. Her bright, blue eyes held a world I couldn't touch. But slowly, I was learning more about her world.63

Chapter 1264

"Do you think you want to get a summer job, Bailey?" Kelsey asked, as she played with Drea on the floor.65

I set the remote on the cushion of the couch, "Maybe."66

"You don't want to sit around here for the rest of the summer. You're here for almost two months. You'll see Ariel after work."67

I wasn't worried about seeing Ariel, "Where am I able to get a job? Summer jobs are probably all taken."68

"I checked the newspaper today," Kelsey rolled a ball to Drea. "They need a gas attendant at the gas station. I know that might not be your ideal job, but it's only for the summer."69

I walked over to the fridge and drew out an orange. Setting the orange on the counter, I grabbed a knife and slice the orange in four. I set the oranges on a small plate and as I walked past Kelsey I handed her a slice. "Okay. I'll do it. When are the hours?"70

"Okay, good. I picked out an application for you on my way home today. You have to talk with the manager because they didn't display the hours."71

Kelsey handed my application in, informing me that I didn't need to go for an interview. Within the few days that I waited for word of a rejection or an acception, I got a call from my parents. Ariel was feeding Drea in the high chair when the phone rang.72

"Kelsey says you're applying for a job. That sounds great, honey," mom said. These were the first words I'd heard from her without any anger. Even as my parents put me on the bus to Kelstern, they said their goodbyes in some anger.73

I entangled my fingers in the phone cord, "Yeah."74

"You'll get it, honey. Don't worry. Dad says hi."75

I sat myself on the chair, "Hi back." I had no sentences to contribute to the conversation.76

"How's Drea?" mom asked, as set something in the microwave, the loud beep echoing.77

I looked at Drea, who was slapping her hands together, "She's good."78

"That's great. Well, honey, we're having some company over. The neighbors just got back from their vacation and they brought us some gifts. Tell Kelsey to give us a call later. Love you, honey, bye."79

I set the receiver back in its place and flopped down on the chair. Ariel cleared the high chair and set Drea on the floor. Again, Ariel made no comment, as she continued her duties as Kelsey's babysitter. I could hear the radio playing a song that only Blake could appreciate. He continuously played different types of music, not focusing on one sound. Sometimes, it got on my nerves but after his death I always wished to hear it again. At one point, I set myself in his room and played his tapes. It wasn't the same anymore. I looked up at the black and white picture, smiling at the fact that he wasn't on drugs in that pose.80

"Mom called," I told Kelsey, who was stirring soup at the stove. "She said to give them a call later."81

Kelsey continued stirring, "What else did she say?"82

"Nothing much."83

Kelsey set the spoon on the stove and sat across from me, "She obviously did. Something's bothering you."84

"No, Kels. It's not that. Just other things." And we left it at that. I wanted the words to reach the tip of my tongue and just tell her things I couldn't understand. but I didn't know where to start.85

Kelsey, as always, could sense something that no one else could. And when she did, she always confronted me about it because she could never leave anything settle that was a bother. In my younger days, I immediately told her everything I could, sometimes letting my tears drop, and wrapping my arms around her for comfort. But as she grew further away, I developed a sense of security over myself. And I found myself pushing others away, rather than wrapping my arms around them after I've stung their ears with words that I couldn't keep to myself much longer.86

Blake ruffled my hair when I was feeling the worst, indicating he knew there was something going on with me. He never made any confrontations, but comforted me in ways to clear my pain. Sometimes, he would play his Nintendo with me, or he would draw sketches for me that I hung in my room. On the rare occasion, he drove me to the park with a friend or two. Blake never knew how grateful I was for him just being there.87

They both slipped away from me and I still can't comprehend who they are. I only have bits and pieces of them, unsure of how they come together. I have pushed them away from my minds but all I want to do now is to hold them close to my heart and grip them so hard that they can't slip any further.88