Deeper Than Words: chapters 4-6

Chapter 41

"Bailey, wake up," Jazzy started shaking my arm, "We're at my stop, now. Bailey, wake up."2

"Huh? What? Where are we?" I asked, now wiping my eyes.3

"Grandma, mom, and me are leaving now, Bailey. We're at Kelstern," Jazzy said.4

Kelstern was my exact destination, and I wasn't aware that I was that close. I just realize that I had finally slept, but had the worst dream possible. I looked out my window to see ourselves at yet another convenience store. People stood outside of the bus looking in, waiting for certain passengers. As I scanned the crowd of people, I saw her. She had the same light brown hair, with the same height and weight. She stood in a pink T-shirt, her trademark. And I realize I am really here and I can't go back, no matter how I tried. My dream told me that. I can only go forward no matter the circumstances.5

"I'm sorry we have to say our goodbyes now, Bailey. It was nice knowing you, take care of yourself, dear," Janine began saying, as she helped her mother out of her seat. Jazzy remained beside me.6

"You sleep a long time, Bailey," Jazzy began saying, looking at me with her green eyes.7

I grabbed my purse, looked at her waiting for me outside, and I looked at Janine, "Janine, this isn't goodbye. This is my stop, too."8

Janine's mother started down the aisle as I spoke my words, "Kelstern is your stop?" Janine asked, grabbing a small backpack from her former seat.9

"Yes," I said, standing up.10

"How come you didn't say so?" Janine asked, smiling her perfect white teeth.11

"You didn't ask. Besides, I didn't know I was that close to say my goodbyes," I said.12

"But you're not saying goodbye," Janine repeated my words in her own way, "So, you'll be in town?"13

"It looks that way," I said, as I followed Janine down the aisle, who was following Jazzy. 14

Reaching the pavement that held the bus, I saw her and this time she saw me. I stood at the door of the bus, watching the three people I met wander off to a man who had to be Jazzy's father. He greeted the three of them with a wide smile and a hug. I couldn't imagine what my greeting would be like. As I shook that thought away, Jazzy's father helped Janine with the luggage. Jazzy stood with her grandmother.15

The wind blew her hair as she walked over to me, knowing that I wasn't about to move as I stood there for what seemed to be minutes at the door of the bus. We stand face to face without words or hugs or smiles. The expression on her face indicated feelings I couldn't know. However, I definitely knew there was no anger and I appreciated that most.16

"So, should we get your bags?" she finally said.17

"Yeah, I have two big red duffel bags," I replied, and I finally moved out of the doorway of the bus and headed to the luggage.18

"I know, Bailey," and she followed me.19

I picked up a duffel bag with my free arm, letting my right arm fall to my side with my cast hitting against my hip. She grabbed my other duffel bag, realizing I couldn't grab the both of them with my small frame or my injured arm. Walking past Janine and her husband I smiled but couldn't bring myself to say a word.20

"Bailey, are you going to come and visit?" Jazzy asked, breaking my silence and my thoughts.21

"Sure, Jazzy," I replied, despite that fact that I didn't know her last name or where she resided in this town.22

"Mom, Bailey's coming to visit us," Jazzy turned to her mother beside her, "When Bailey? When?"23

"I don't know yet. Soon, Jazzy. Soon," I lied. I didn't know if I would make an appearance or not.24

Jazzy's father helped Jillian to the van, while Janine and Jazzy stood there, looking at me, waiting for more words that I didn't know to be said. Instead, Janine spoke first, "Bailey, my husband's last name is Michael Lords. Just look us up. We'll be expecting a visit from you." I hardly spoke to the woman but she invited me for a visit.25

I turned to her, believing that I might just take that chance, "Okay, sure. I'll see you guys later."26

Jazzy stood there, still looking at me while her mother walked off into the convenience store, "Who is that, Bailey?"27

I looked at the woman in the pink T-shirt who held my other duffel bag, "That's my sister, Kelsey. Bye Jazzy."28

Kelsey didn't seem to pay attention to Janine or Jazzy and kept to herself. Maybe she knew that I had no intention of introducing her. She picked up on my silence and avoidance. We retreated to her maroon four door, dumping my duffel bags in the back. The warm summer heat was confined within the dark interior of her vehicle. My skin underneath the cast started feeling itchy. As soon as she started the engine she began running the air conditioner. 29

Passing through streets of houses and reaching a country road I wondered why Kelsey resorted to moving here. I couldn't understand her actions. She always made it known to move out to the city, "That's where it all happens, Bailey," she once told me. But things change, they always do. And for my sister, they constantly changed within the last two and a half years that she was close to me and my family. I resided in grade seven, as she finished her grade twelve and planned to move to the city to continue her education. Working through the summer at a town near ours, she met Lucifer who seemed to change her life forever. She fell in love and forgot about school. Her only priority was Lucifer. For a year she lived with me and my parents but continued to see him. Her dreams seemed to be forgotten and her friends were gone off to school like she should have been. 30

After getting pregnant, Kelsey moved to Lucifer's but she always came by the house to tell me and my parents new things regarding her new life with Lucifer and the newcoming baby. My parents didn't seem to mind her new lifestyle after they had adjusted to it. Sometimes, they complained that she wasn't getting her education but she fought back with words, such as, "I'm happy. Why can't you at least be happy for me?" One day those words finally sunk into their heads and her happiness was what they were most concerned about, realizing they couldn't change Kelsey anymore than they wished to.31

Kelsey's happiness only lasted for a month after Drea's birth. Kelsey and Lucifer's relationship had been rocky two months before the birth of their child, an event that I was unaware of. Kelsey kept to herself a lot more when she moved away and it was hard to understand, as I was not yet fully understanding reality itself. A month after Drea's birth, Lucifer committed suicide. That was just yet another event I never understood.32

Kelsey moved in with us and we helped her with the baby. When I woke up in the middle of the night I could sometimes hear Kelsey crying in her own room. Mom seemed to be the only one Kelsey was talking to. I never asked questions because I was afraid of the answers. In less than a year, Kelsey decided it was time to start her life elsewhere. A fresh new beginning, she had put it. For a couple of years we hardly spoke, as I continued to grow and distance myself from family. The telephone or computer was our only connection, if it were only minutes or so.33

She is going on to the age of twenty-three in August and I still can't believe that she had a kid, endured the death of her boyfriend, and continued to live in a place she didn't know. She grew further from me more than I could have imagined. Within the years that changed her completely, I still struggled with the thought of what I should have done. But I couldn't do any more than my parents could.34

Chapter 535

I lit myself a cigarette as soon as I unpacked my belongings in the spare room that Kelsey set up for me. A nice, soft bed sat in the corner of the white, blank room. A tall dresser stood opposite of the bed, where I put my clothes. I examined the room that was to be mine for the summer. It was no comparison to my room back home. Home, a once safe place. I stuffed my now empty duffel bags in the closet and hung some sweaters and a few summer jackets. I stuffed the shoe box that was confined in my duffel bag under the bed.36

"Bailey, come down here for a second," I heard Kelsey call. I threw my half-lit cigarette out the window, not caring to finish it.37

Reaching downstairs, Drea sat in her playpen after we picked her up at the neighbors. She was now two years old, able to walk and talk. She wore a purple jump suit. Kelsey sat on the lavender couch, staring at the TV. "So, how's your room? Is it okay?" she asked me.38

I sat myself on the matching lavender arm chair, "Yeah, it's fine," those were the only other words I spoke since we met with each other.39

"I know it's bare but I haven't been wanting to paint because I didn't know if I needed that room. We can go get some paint later this week if you want so that it looks better," she flipped through channels, more focused on her words than the television.40

"Sure," I replied. I studied the pictures on her wall, drawings by Lucifer, pictures of Drea, Lucifer, me, her old friends, and my parents. And there stood pictures of people that I couldn't identify. Her walls stood a color of a beige, complementing the lavender furniture. Kelsey's wooden furniture were all a dark brown. There was no sign of black. Lucifer was always seen in black. His car, his furniture, his bedroom, his drawings. But here, I could hardly find a shade of black. 41

"You hungry?" Kelsey asked, still watching the screen as a news program began.42

My stomach was starting to twist and turn at the thought of food, which indicated how hungry I am, "Yeah, Kelsey, I am."43

"Good, because I ordered some take out," she said, "I got some chicken and fries, if you don't mind."44

"I don't mind," I said.45

Drea played with a red ball, reaching for it and constantly throwing it again. She went through the same tiring routine, but she kept a wide smile on her face each time she held the ball in her hands. The sun shining through the window lay on her head and her dark brown hair was bright. She had the same dark brown hair as me and had the eyes of Lucifer. She most definitely had Kesley's wide, bright smile. 46

Kelsey was constantly the smiler but her frowns started appearing after the death of Lucifer, but she tried hard to fake a smile but I saw through it. I, on the other hand was a frowner. Mainly because there wasn't a whole lot to smile about.47

"Okay, I got it all. I brought you a cinnamon bun because all they had were muffins and cinnamon buns. They had no good muffins," Kelsey entered the door with a bag of food in her arms. The scent rose to my nose instantly and I couldn't wait to eat. A small, sharp pain hit my stomach. I had to eat.48

In the kitchen sat four black chairs at a black table. Black and white pictures sat on the wall. On the counter sat a black vase with fresh dandelions poking out. The cupboards were even painted black. It was unlike Kelsey to fill a room with more black than she could handle, but she adjusted to Lucifer and now was inspired by him.49

After shoving food down my throat, I put my used dishes in the sink, and walked out the front door onto the deck. A small table sat between two plastic lawn chairs but I chose to sit on the steps. The sun was slowly descending and it gave me a warm feeling to know the sun wasn't going to be up for much longer. Feeling the side pocket on my grey capri pants I felt my pack of cigarettes. I lit a match against my cast and then my cigarette. I got a rush just inhaling a small puff.50

"Cancer sticks, huh?" Kelsey came walking out a few minutes later, "When did you start?"51

"I don't know. Awhile back," I replied, exhaling a cloud of smoke.52

She sat down in one of the lawn chairs, "Do mom and dad know?"53

Looking at my cigarette after a long fulfilled drag, I replied, "Yeah."54

I threw the last of my cigarette to the bottom step and squashed it with my shoe. I stared out into the empty grassland before me, watching the sun intently, waiting for it to drop further away from me. It lingered there, like the silence between Kelsey and I. She hadn't said another word and I had no idea where her eyes were focused, as my back faced her.55

Chapter 656

"Bailey! Bailey! Are you okay?", were the faint words I heard as I lay at the bottom of Farrah's lengthy stairs. I heard steps above, touching the floor and making their way to the top of the stairs.57

"Tess, it hurts," I told Tess as she stood above me. She grabbed my legs and dragged me into the room. In minutes, I lay on blankets on the floor, my shoes and sweater off. Tess lay on the couch beside me, Farrah lay on her bed. "My knee hurts, what happened?"58

Tess informed me, "You fell."59

"Did I?" I asked, still unsure of what just happened. 60

Tess, Farrah and I partied at a house down a couple of blocks. I'd taken a lost amount of pills and drank alcohol. In the middle of the party, Tess insisted on leaving to Farrah's house. The walk was much too long, and we kept stumbling and tripping. At one point I sat in someone's yard, the grass was wet from the large amount of rain we received that day. Tess and Farrah pulled me up and we continued walking down the street with a case of beer in our hands.61

Farrah forgot her keys and we moved to her bedroom window, which we decided that I would climb through. My first try wasn't successful, as I went head first. The girls sat there laughing at me, "Are you stuck?", my ass was sticking out. I told them to shut up and I got myself out. I took a long shot of my beer and attempted to go back in -- feet first. My feet reached the couch and I lost balance and fell to the side, but I was able to not make any sound.62

Creeping around upstairs I slithered over to the front door, hoping that I wouldn't wake anyone. Tess and Farrah came in quietly as they could and descended downstairs with our case of beer. I walked into the bathroom, dug into my pockets, and downed my last three pills with a long shot of beer.63

*64

"I tried to keep you awake after you told us you took some pills," Tess told me over the phone the next day, "Man, that sounded like a bad fall. And what made it worse was you didn't make a sound afterwards."65

Tess and Farrah drove me to the hospital because I constantly complained about the pain in my right arm when I moved it. They also didn't know if I hit my head so they wanted to check if I had a concussion. Farrah's parents weren't too angry with us, just more concerned about my fall down the stairs. I had believed that I reached the bottom of the steps but I wasn't too positive, as there was a complete darkness in the basement.66

When I showed up in the middle of the night, almost passing out with a cast on my right arm, mom and dad couldn't believe what happened. They were angry to hear that I showed up at Farrah's and the hospital intoxicated. Farrah, who was sober after the incident, explained to my parents about the cast.67

"You are grounded for a month, Bailey" mom started hounding me, as I sat there with a major hang over. I consumed numerous cups of grape juice, tending to my thirst. My headache wouldn't go away and my back continued to ache. "How much did you have to drink?" mom began with questions, but didn't let me reply, "Is this what you do all the time when you're with Farrah and Tess? When are you going to start behaving? Do you think this is funny? Do you?"68

Dad laid down the rules, "You are not going to see Tess and Farrah until the end of your punishment. Your phone and computer privileges are going to be restricted. You will go to school and come right home. Since it's the last week of school, you're going to find a summer job to show some responsibility, and that will be the only time you will leave this house." Dad didn't realize that school was my option to see Farrah and Tess.69

It was funny to look at my body and not see any indication of a fall. No bruises, no marks, no shooting pain in my body. Of course, my back was always sore so that wasn't anything new. I hardly remembered anything about my fall, other than my complaints and questions afterward. The hospital was the area that I can't remember. Mainly, Farrah and Tess told me about things that I didn't know had happened.70

*71

The last day of school, Friday, I sat on the couch watching music videos. I was halfway through my cigarette when mom came into the living room. She stood with one hand on her hip and she raised her eyebrow at me, "I thought I told you not to smoke in front of me, Bailey. Do you want me to take away your cigarettes, too?"72

I exhaled my last drag, "Fine, fine." I butted out my cigarette.73

"Your dad and I are going out and we'll be back around two, so behave yourself," mom said. Her light brown hair shook as she said those words, as though it was enough to warn me. She was a tall, angular woman. I couldn't understand where I got my features from. I am short with dark brown hair, and my features suit me perfectly.74

Dad passed by, his six feet angle towering over me as I walked into the kitchen. He was a medium build with short black hair. He didn't continue to warn me because he knew he didn't have to, or so he believed.75

As soon as mom and dad pulled out of the driveway, I called up Tess on her cell phone. She was driving with Farrah near the convenience store. I could hear Farrah laughing and asking questions, Tess would reply to her with more laughter.76

I applied my make up and dressed myself to be comfortable so that my cast wouldn't be a nuisance. I grabbed my black purse, slipped on my red thong sandals, and walked to the front door. To my amazement, Farrah's car was already sitting in the driveway. I shut the lights off and locked the door. As I neared the vehicle the music was buzzing loudly. Tess opened the passenger door to let me in and the music was blaring into my ears.77

"Where are your mom and dad?" Farrah yelled over the music, as she looked back for clearance of her reverse. Her words slightly slurred and she had that look in her eye.78

I smiled, "They're gone," and I noticed a bottle of whiskey between Tess' legs.79

"You want a shot?" Tess handed the bottle to me. They were already quite tipsy.80

I took a shot and there was a slight burn as it eased down my throat. "Do you have any mix?"81

Tess lit up a cigarette, "We did! But this slut here drank it all up."82

"Fine, we'll go and get more!" Farrah said, laughing. 83

Continuing down the street, I watched the houses of my neighborhood as we passed by. I was going to be in deep shit for taking off and drinking, but I couldn't let the beginning of my summer start out with a punishment. I needed one night of fun, even if it had to be my last.84

Considering I was sober, I walked into the Topper Mart and bought a bottle of Pepsi and plastic cups. I could feel the whiskey on my breath but the clerk didn't show any indication of smelling anything unfamiliar. The other customers were too busy with their things to notice that I was a passenger of a drunk driver. Friday night was the busiest night, and we remained unnoticed.85

Dirk couldn't be with us because he was locked up somewhere, for the second time, in Brandon at rehab or what he called a mental place. His continuous seizures landed him in the hospital the year before and he missed a lot of school. In return of what we call his 'handicap', Dirk received at least twenty pills to relieve his shakes. For over a year, he was taking them constantly just to get high. And one day, he over dosed. We missed him greatly; he was our fourth.86

I was on my third mix by nine o'clock. We decided to park at the camp grounds where no one was residing. Tess was smoking heavily, as usual; Farrah was playing music on a portable stereo she kept handy in her trunk; and the bottle of whiskey stood on the hood of the car, half empty.87

"Doesn't it feel great to be drunk?" Tess asked with a laugh; the question was more of a belief and didn't require an answer.88

I took a nice, long shot, "It just feels great to have alcohol in my hands. I'm not going to have any for a long time. So, I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can."89

Farrah smiled, "You do that!" She held her drink in the air, waiting for ours to collide with it. "To Dirk, who can't be here with us. And to summer, which we have been waiting for a long time! And to me, who finally fucken graduated!" And our drinks collided together, mine spilling some.90

"That's alcohol!" Tess yelled, with a laugh following, "Lick it up!"91

I brought out my camera to capture the moment that I believed was the beginning of summer. Tess and Farrah put their arms around each other's shoulders, smiled crooked smiles, and let their eyelids hang.92

I reached the highlight of all nights that consisted of alcohol --- being wasted. I was smiling harder than I could remember, despite the trouble I was bound to enter upon. And I was drunk without any other influences, such as drugs. We were back in the car, driving to get some beer. I held the bottle in my hands, there were a few shots left. I took one long shot. "Here, finish it off," I handed the bottle to Tess, who guzzled and left a nice, long shot for Farrah.93

We sat in the car, parked at Pluto's, the local bar. "Okay, what are we getting?" I asked. I don't believe there was need for any more alcohol, but we complained for more. 94

"I don't know. What are we getting, Tess?" Farrah asked. She was the adult who was going to purchase the alcohol but she was much too drunk.95

Tess was just as drunk as the two of us, but she made a deal with a guy who was walking out of the bar. We paid him five dollars to buy us a case of beer. With my height, I wasn't capable of purchasing anything in the bar. Tess, who was tall enough, was known by the workers.96

Sitting in Farrah's house, we started on our case of beer. The guy, along with his friends, joined us at the house. One of his friends suggested driving for us because the cops were lingering around. Farrah's family was gone to the city overnight, and she had the house to herself. She began playing music and I sat there, drinking and smoking. I began snapping pictures again, capturing the moments I believed were the beginning of a happiness I couldn't identify.97

Blacked out, I was suddenly in my parents' car outside of Farrah's house. My parents sat in the front. My purse and sweater were beside me. I reached for my cigarettes and lit one, not realizing that my parents forbid that. I was in deep trouble; they were always silent when I was in trouble but this time they were yelling at me. I ignored their words, inhaled, and looked back to Farrah's house as we started pulling away. The lights were out and the guys' car was gone. I couldn't understand what had happened.98