Deeper Than Words: chapters 1-3

Chapter 11

Cigarette after cigarette. I can't seem to stop.2

"Are you okay, dear?" an elderly woman with a limp asks.3

"I'm fine," I mumble. Just fine. It's been the third stop because of the elderly tourists who can't seem to control their bladders or the children who have to stop at every convenience store in hopes of reaching candy. 4

The sun is slithering away, while I sit here puffing on another cancer-filled cigarette. Half a pack of cigarettes and my zippo lighter rest safely in my pocket. Kids are running back to the bus with their candies that they beg for; the parents are carrying bags of junk, following their children; and the elderly are slowly making it back to the bus, either on wheelchairs or with their slowly, withering bodies. Another convenience store in a town of nowhere. Countless towns that I've seen and not one is intriguing. 5

Sliding back to my seat, I pass all the satisfied passengers. Some have begun eating, sleeping, or reading. But I choose to put on my headphones and blast my ear drums so that I can try blast out all of my on-going thoughts. 6

Of course, with my luck my batteries are dead. All I'm left with is a window that stares at nothing but our passings, pictures that are pointless at the moment, and books without meaning.7

"Isn't this fun?" my red-haired passenger asks me, ice cream in hand and a huge grin on her face.8

"What is?" I ask her.9

"The bus ride. I've never been on this kind of bus before. Just a school bus."10

"The bus ride is quite long, though," my voice is flat. 11

The young girl licks her ice cream, "Yeah. But my mom said we're near our stop."12

Out of boredom I ask, "So, how come your family's taking a bus? Don't you have a van?"13

"Not anymore. Daddy left with that. So, me and mommy are going home to him. We just came back from my auntie's. She's gone to heaven now. Daddy couldn't come with us because he had to work," the girl continued licking her ice-cream.14

"Oh," I looked at the seats across from us, where the girl's mother was sleeping, "I'm sorry."15

"For what?" the girl asked, unsure of death and condolences.16

"Nevermind. So, what's your name?" I ask her.17

"Jasmine. My mommy and daddy call me Jazzy, so you can call me Jazzy."18

"Okay. My name's Bailey," I tell her.19

"Isn't that a boy's name?"20

"It can be, I guess."21

For twenty minutes, we sat silent. Jazzy kept at her ice-cream, and I sat with my face forward, my eyes not focused anywhere certain. The elderly were snoring, the parents were entertaining their children if they weren't already entertained.22

"Are you sad?" Jazzy asked me.23

I faced her, she was done her ice-cream, "Why?"24

"You don't look very happy. That's how my mommy looked at Auntie Gina's funeral or after her and daddy fight," Jazzy brushed her hair back.25

"Don't you ever get sad?" I asked her.26

"Sometimes, but I like to be happy instead."27

Our conversation ended with that simple sentence. Jazzy nodded off to sleep, and I continued focusing my eyes in some uncertain area with no purpose. Sometimes, I wish it were that easy to feel a happiness like it is for Jazzy to just nod off to sleep.28

The sun is now replaced with the moon, which sits high and beaming. I can't make out the words or names or pictures that are engraved in my right cast. They are a blur to me now.29

Chapter 230

"What happened to your arm, Bailey?" Jazzy was fully awake by the time we reached another convenience store.31

"A bad accident, Jazzy." I lit myself another cigarette. Our last stop was enough as the other passengers rested easily in their seats, waiting for the smokers to finish their fresh-lit cigarettes. I prefer to take my time. I am in no hurry to be on the road again for another few hours.32

Inhale. Exhale. The same old process of an addiction to nicotine. Some days I wonder where I would be without my pack of cigarettes. But mostly I wonder how I ever began easing a cigarette between my fingers, or how easily it was to inhale something that could one day kill me. However, there is the possibility of quitting. But that possibility is too far from my reach at this point.33

"Bailey, you shouldn't smoke. It's bad for your lungs," Jazzy and her wise words. Believing that she needed some fresh air, Jazzy joined me outside of the bus, while her mother continued to read a romance novel with a flashlight hovering in the air, shining on each page.34

"Jazzy, do you want to go inside and buy me some chips and a drink?" I ask Jazzy, who stands at my shoulders. She's tall for her age. And I'm short for mine.35

"Okay. What do you want?"36

"Just get anything. Get something for yourself, too" I said before handing the money to Jazzy.37

This convenience store, like all the others, are just too predictable. There's not a product that I'm too delighted to purchase. Junk food is junk food. I could never just completely live on that stuff. But to get Jazzy and her wise words away from me, I distracted her with a meaningless errand. Sometimes, my ideas are just never clever enough.38

"Here you go, Bailey. I just got myself a granola bar. I can't have too much sugar," Jazzy hands me a plastic bag with Thank you! printed in red.39

I take one last drag of my cigarette, throw it to the pavement, and I take one hard step against it, as though I'm releasing all the anger within myself. Jazzy's ahead of me, taking step by step into the bus. 40

Jazzy's mother, Janine is still holding her flashlight and book in hand. Her eyes are focused on the words that I can't even begin to think about. Romance novels are not for me. Especially those erotic ones. They just make me laugh. 41

Beside Janine sits an elderly lady, her own mother probably. Her face sits blank, with no expression what so ever. Her eyes are focused in an area that I can't pinpoint. As I study her face in the dark she doesn't notice and I continue to study her. The wrinkles that have developed are not only a sign of age but yet a hidden world with unknown experiences that we cannot know unless told. But that's not the same. The out-of-style clothing tells me that she comes from an era that I can't know, not even if I tried. And even though I don't know the woman I definitely know she's a hero in Jazzy's eyes.42

"My grandma lives with us. My daddy loves her," maybe Jazzy noticed I was watching her grandmother, "Oh, but I love her, too. She buys me all kinds of stuff and tells me things. She taught me to bake, too. We always make cinnamon buns when it's raining."43

"You know, hunnie, you should try to sleep," Janine dropped her book and looked at us in the dark.44

"I already slept, mom," Jazzy replied.45

"Okay, she's not a bother is she, Bailey?" Janine looked past Jazzy and looked at me.46

"No, she's not," I replied.47

Jazzy is a talker, and I appreciated a good distraction for I'm not ready to return to my thoughts. She spoke non-stop of her father, mother, grandmother, school, and baking. Her enthusiasm made me smile non stop as we talked. She was just like every other kid I know -- full of life and just taking a step at a time, which is due to the fact that they haven't hit the age where you know more than you would want.48

A bald man with an uptight look on his face was typing away on his lap top when he shouted, "Fuck!". Obviously, he was making a mistake on his computer. Jazzy made a face. I looked back at him and he had his hand on his forehead, and the uptight look turned to a stressed one. He shook his head a few times as though it shook his problem away. If it were only that easy.49

"He's just stressed out, Jazzy. Sometimes, you just can't control your frustration," I explained, knowing how the bald man felt.50

"But you don't have to say bad words. My mom and dad never let me say anything bad. But grandma is always swearing. I always tell her that it's okay. But she'll even swear when she's not mad. My mom says she has a bad habit of swearing," Jazzy explained to me.51

Looking over to Jazzy's relatives, I saw that Janine was still asleep and the grandmother was now reading with the flashlight. Now curious I ask Jazzy, "What's your grandma's name?"52

Jazzy looked over at her own grandmother, "Jill. My dad likes to call her Jillian." Jazzy began yawning, making me yawn after she closed her own mouth. We sat in silence for a few more minutes and just as I began with another question, Jazzy was sound asleep.53

Chapter 354

For the past few hours I sat with my head resting softly on the seat, trying to fall into a deep sleep like my passenger. But all thoughts were the same, and I was afraid to sleep because of the dreams that I would encounter. The dreams that only signify the loneliness I've touched and will continue to endure. Acknowledging that fact created a deep craving for a cigarette but we weren't going to be stopping for another few hours.55

"Fuck!" the bald man behind me yelled. I'd ignored his keys clacking and thought he'd fallen asleep like the rest of the passengers. I looked back at him again, where he had the same expression on his face, and the same hand on his forehead. This time he didn't shake his head because it was obvious he couldn't shake this problem away. Considering I am somewhat of a nerd at computers, I offered some help. 56

"What can you possibly know about what I'm doing?" he asked, sounding irritated. That uptight and stressed look came through his mouth, his words stinging the air. 57

"I didn't say I did. I just offered some help, if you need it," I turned back in my seat, unsure of the bald man's expression now. A few minutes passed before I heard him speak.58

"Okay, I need some help with my web site here. I'm trying to add some hyperlinks but they're not working. Do you know anything about that?" he asked me, with a sincere look on his face.59

I eased myself into the empty seat beside him without waking Jazzy. "Sure, I know a few things," and he placed the lap top on my legs. It was not too long ago that I finished a computer class that dealt with the nonsense he was troubled with. So, I sat there with him in the silence, hacking away at the keys. My cast rubbed against the edges of the lap top but I managed to work around it. He watched the screen steadily, as though he was trying to learn my skill. I used what I knew and it was fifteen minutes before I fixed his problem. I handed the lap top back to him, and explained the problem and what to do.60

"Wow, you sure know what you're doing. My name is Greg. Thanks for your help," he was smiling now, "You saved me a lot of time working on this shit."61

I smiled, "You're welcome. My name is Bailey," I said. Instead of just sitting there, I moved back to my seat. Greg was typing away at his computer again but with more ease. 62

I rested my head against the seat once again, and to my surprise I felt that ease in my own body indicating that I was ready to sleep. I didn't care anymore about the dreams that I was going to face, I just wanted to sleep. 63

I entered a world of dreams and it was haunting in a way I hadn't expected. Dark clouds hovered in the sky and they weren't your ordinary clouds, as they had angular shapes with high indication of a lot of anger. Standing out in the country I was surrounded by bodies I recognized but their faces were distorted with a blur and I didn't know anymore what I thought I had. Words were spoken as I tried to reach out to them with my tears but just like their faces, their words were distorted. They were blown in the air as the wind quickly picked them up. I couldn't catch even the syllables. And at that moment as I reached into the sky, knowing it was pointless, angular tornadoes formed. The tornadoes were as if they were drawings I had made with just a pencil. Touching the ground, my surroundings of bodies just stood there, unaware of the damage of a tornado. I, on the other hand, began running to a vehicle that suddenly appeared out of no where. Speeding down the highway, I found myself racing the tornadoes to a destination I couldn't see. When I got my eyes back on the road I found that I was suddenly on water that rose ten feet from the ground. And that's when I got out of the vehicle, only to find myself trying to get up on some land that I hoped would get me out the eerie water. Sitting near a huge tunnel on the land, five huge snakes slithered out into the water, unaware that I was near. They swam down in the waters, their bodies poking out here and there, indicating that they were longer and bigger than they should be.64