Why I Don't Like Breadcrumbs

Waving gracefully to the crowd, Cristina leapt lightly down from the pedestal and gave her hand to the conductor, who led her to the centre of the stage to take her applause. The audience screamed and cheered wildly at her solo rendition of several of Chopin's Etudes. OK, it was a young crowd, and they'd been tricked into coming there with promises of free beer. Anyway, maybe they were screaming for her blood, it doesn't matter, let's just get on with the story.1

Cristina walked off stage, feeling like she was walking on clouds (but don't worry, she's still walking on the ground, we're not going to kill her yet). The producer rushed down the hall, a beaming smile lighting up his face as he caught both her hands in his and kissed her on the cheek ecstatically (and he might have kissed her two or three times, but who are we to count?).2

'Amazing performance! Mein gott, you are amazing!'3

Cristina blushed at the praise and the awful German impression and thanked the producer for his kind words before walking down the corridor to the change rooms. As she slipped into something more comfortable before she drove to the hotel, she was grateful that Paris was treating her well, and if she continued to have sell-out performances she would be able to go to America and make big money (when I say make, I mean earn by playing the piano, not counterfeiting, ok?)4

***5

Meanwhile, in a small dark room not far from Cristina's hotel, a small breadcrumb with a black hat pulled low over his eyes muttered into a phone.6

'Yeah, got it...I hear ya...yep, yep...go for the fingers...yep, ten thousand dollars...ok, ok I ain't got all day, ya want this taken care of tonight or next year? Laters.'7

The breadcrumb consumed the phone, then oozed towards the door. Well, maybe it clunked. It cloozed toward the door. The light flickered, and all went dark.8

***9

Cristina arrived at the hotel and had a refreshing shower, finally changing into a pair of pyjamas and getting under the covers with her favourite book, “Here We Go Gathering Nuts in Asylums”. As she eventually nodded off, her dreams skipped merrily through brooks with sunbeams dancing through the meadows, laughing children, and the occasional crumpled envelope. After a while though, the dream changed, and the scene grew darker. The meadows faded into a dark room, and a bed which she lay on, as a small breadcrumb cloozed its way up the bedpost.10

Unable to scream, Cristina's eyes grew wide with horror as the beastly little apparition began to consume her fingers. The savage beady little eyes stared mezmerisingly into her own as the creature gnawed at her fingers. Blood spurted from the mangled stumps that had once been fingers, and the bedclothes slowly soaked her life fluids as they fled her body. At last the terrible task was done, and the small being casually nodded towards her.11

'Just doin' ma job, ma'am, no offense to you and yours. Don't mind me, I'll make my own way out.'12

With that, the creature cloozed back off the bed and out the door, where Cristina's terrified eyes followed it until it was out of sight. Then the spell broke and Cristina screamed. A security guard dashed in, only to find her screaming at her hands in pain and horror. Clasping a hand over his mouth in disgusted amazement, the security called for help over the radio, and the police were notified. Within minutes, the hotel was crawling with men in blue shirts as they combed the hotel for any evidence or clues as to the attacker. Cristina had passed out and been carried away to hospital within minutes of being found.13

***14

The breadcrumb's eyes narrowed as the time drew closer for the go-between to arrive. The cucumber was supposed to have given the sign, but there wasn't even a cucumber to give a sign, just a flashing neon light that read 'Nightclub Open til Nightfall!' Cloozing its way into the nearest shadow, he pulled his small black hat lower over his eyes and pulled out a mobile phone.15

'Jack, you there Jack? Jack, we have a problem...yes...yes...I know...look, just tell 'em if he doesn't show up in five, they're to hit our mate...yes...for sure...if we let 'im get away with it, they'll all try it...hahaha...yeah...see ya 'round'16

***17

The man sauntered casually into his apartment, tossing a cigarette that had been hanging loosely in his lips into an ashtray as he walked in. Noting that the room service had been and left the next two days groceries, he put them away before going for a shower. Shortly afterward, he made a few calls while making coffee, then settled in front of the television, flicking on reruns of 'The Flintstones' and alternating between it and 'Free Running' during the ads. As it grew later, his eyelids drooped and he slipped into a meaningless oblivion of dreamless sleep.18

About two o'clock in the morning, the show on TV changed to one of the soap operas he hated (a cross between Neighbours and Friends or something equally awful), so he switched off the set and fumbled his way to his room, dropping into bed and going into a restless, semi-awake state.19

***20

Meanwhile, in the pantry...21

'Hey, get ur damn elbow out of my eye, 'k?'22

'Dude, dude, wait, bit of patience, eh?'23

'SHUT UP! This ain't no stinkin' comedy, so just dry the hell up!'24

The loaf of bread quivered and the wrapping seemed to dissolve as thousands of breadcrumbs cloozed their way out of the pantry towards the bedroom. The myriads of silent breadcumbs were all wearing matching black hats pulled low over their eyes, and moved steadily and purposefully towards their destination. Gradually, they cloozed underneath the door and moved towards the sleeping man...25

***26

The sleeping man moved uneasily, his dreams haunted by a small mocking breadcrumb with a black hat pulled over its eyes calling out 'People who don't pay their bills, pay the price.' Shivering violently, he opened his eyes and lay back on the pillow panting softly, before a slight movement at the end of the bed caught his eye. Staring in horror, he watched as thousands of breadcrumbs in identical black hats poured over the edge of the bed and began consuming his feet, the thousands of eyes staring at him as if to bore holes into his head, which ironically they would, but let's not get ahead of them. The black hats bobbed frantically as the small creatures worked their way up both legs, getting to the bowels, and moving on towards his chest.27

Eyes bulging, he began striking out at the creatures and screaming at the top of his lungs, but there was no stopping the breadcrumbs' determined assault. The screams choked and died off as the small creatures bored their way through his heart. The staring eyes gaped in awe and horror at the creatures until they too were consumed by the black hatted beings.28

*** 29

When the landlord visited the apartment two weeks later, there was nothing inside but a red-stained bed, and the body of the occupant was never discovered.
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