Silenced Soul

“Silenced Soul.”1

“Despair lives in all of us. When the tears have dried up and emptiness numbs you. When the life you usually lead becomes meaningless. When the hope of life seems far away and when your body cannot take anymore, despair aches you. Despair controls you.”2

“Your face stuck in a deep expression of pain. Tears bleed from your suffering eyes. Your breath does not want to come, the pain hurts every inch of your aching body, weeping from deep within. Still you sit so empty, so alone.”3

“ The endless teardrops paint you a face of agony, but when the silent pain exhausts itself, the heaviness lifts and your true eyes see through the pain.”4

“ The loneliest of silences are the secrets kept so trapped and isolated within.”5

“ She sits waiting for a sign. A sign that her life is worth living. Misery, desperation scarred upon her face. Waiting. Now she is gone, faded away. No more she lives.”6

“ How do you know what invisible is until you have faded from the existence we all call life.”7

“ The child with no existence.”8

“ The sleepless nights weigh heavy now. Your weary body tired and restless. Pale in face, slow in step you try hard to face the challenges set before you. Your energy has expired and determination faded. So tired now. Just so tired.”9

“ Day after day the bottle grips you so tight, so firm in its angry hands. You drown your memories in poison. Your future sinks to depths of pain. It’s a vicious circle of violent repression of past hauntings. When will it stop? When your body regrets life.”10

“ Your stuck in a world with no escape. All you can see is the top of the bottle, but you are drowning so heavy. Your survival is sweeping you under. You cannot smash your way out because of the temptation on the other side. The glass could tame your anger, lose your fight. It could let every single haunting pain fade away. So the bottle stays around you, trapping you in the endless addiction.”11

“ Alcohol seeps through your body like a knife to your wrist, slowly turning your insides thick with poison. You awake with an incurable hangover, for when your body heals, your mind breaks down.”12

“ Despair is tattooed upon your body. Anger is bleeding through your skin.”13

“ Chaos plaguing her fragile mind. Agony gripping tightly to her body. Her emotions fuelled to explode. Yet she sits and waits. Her eyes focused on her flashes of past pain. Her body still in a tight embrace, protecting herself from her own violence. She waits and waits.”14

“ You scream in agony. Scream so loud, but they are not heard, for you are screaming inside your head. Inside your body.”15

“ When nothing can comfort, when addictions are not worthy. When a human embrace is so far away, what can you do, but sit alone, empty. Tears dropping with no meaning. Thoughts flashing with no solution. An empty shell with no existence.”16

“ You come back to life battered and torn, but still worthy of breath. No matter how you are hurt, you can still live.”17

“ The loneliness shadows you, creeping above trapping you in isolation.”18

“ Open the eyes to your soul, only then will you truly see.”19

“ The mirror reflects a weary face you do not recognise. Frowns stained upon your face where happiness should lay. Your hair limp and dry, complements your withered and pale skin. Where is the sparkle of life in your eyes? Above you head lays a heavy darkness that pushes you firmly to the floor. You cannot look into that face you once knew so well. You can see things clearly now, they scare you. They weigh you down, sorrow and pain paint your emotions numb, as thoughts surface and confuse reality. Everything seems much harder to cope with as your happy moments fade. Your quieter nowadays as your thoughts remain haunted by your past. Today you are empty of fight. Weary and tired you lay your head down to rest. It will be fine in the morning you whisper.”20

“ Your screams echo distorted pain across the room, yet no one can hear you. No one is listening. They shatter your body into broken silence. Your head wants no more. You are gone from this disturbing scene.”21

“ It’s a lonely time when your thoughts cannot be spoken. When they are filled with broken memories of a fractured childhood.”22

“ The tears weep down your wrists. Too much pain for your frail body to contain.”23

“ You feel all alone. The world around you is living, but you are hanging on to the outside of existence. You’re so far away from everyone. Your world is filled with chaos and confusion. There is no sense to your life, no escape from your thoughts. Where has reality gone? Why are you so alone? You are surrounded by people and objects yet you are so trapped and isolated. What you are feeling makes no sense. You are scared then peaceful, terrified then calm. Your movements are robotic, yet your thoughts are in complete chaos. You do not know what you are doing, or why you are living. Nothing makes sense to you. You are screaming, but your face looks calm. You are crying so painfully, but your eyes are dry. No one can see you. You are trapped. So alone.”24

“ You sit in darkness today, blending well with the shadows. As they fall heavy, you absorb them. You are heavy today, weighed down with lost emotions. No anger, no pain or hurt, just an empty numbness. You are tired today, but you cannot sleep. What is this shadow that hangs over you today?”25

“ As silence rips through body, your mind becomes tortured by screams. Screams of anguish, of fear, of pain. Your body is still. So still. The screams echo viciously around your head. So much pain. Your body is numb. You feel no physical pain.”26

“ The ashtray lays full. The scattered bottles show of many a night alone. She lays still on the floor, pills firmly ahead. Does she fall? Her eyes fixated on her misery. This could be the end. She could die peacefully, right now. The last candle burns out, could that be her life? She lays still. Her mind is in torture, her body aching with lifeless agony. Can she get past this? Can her life become more than her pain? She waits for peace while making her choice. The peace does not come.”27

“ You know what it feels like to be manipulated, bullied and abused. You know what distrust is. You know what violation feels like. You know what a monster is. You know what addictions do, you tasted suicide. You know what anger feels like. You know what fear and hatred are. You know what abuse of power does. But you do not know what care and love are. You do not know what trust is.”28

“ The tattoos of anger spread through your skin. Always a reminder.”29

“ If I never saw, I would wish to see. But now I can see, I wish I could close my eyes very tightly.”30

“ Did you not hear her scream in silence? Did you not see her fight you off as her body lay still?”31

“ The voice whisper deep within, why are you living? You can see things, such ugly painful things. They stench from people, they push down the weak and feed the powerful. Such cruel words slash from the afraid. Violent blows attack from the angry. No one cares, everyone hurts. There are users, manipulators, nasty, vicious souls. You wish your eyes did not see.”32

“ She sits in a darkened room, her arms comforting, embracing her tiny frame. He has been here today. She trembles in fear. She is all alone. Despair and pain is scarred upon her face. No one comes to take her pain away. Only sleep can take the throbbing out of her body. She is so fragile.”33

“ A child weeps in anguish for the man to stop hurting her. Her arms outstretched wanting a mothers embrace to take it all away. But it does not come. She screams in pain, but he keeps hurting her. He cannot control his sick mind. As the years go by, her tears stop. Her yearn to be protected has failed. Her world now dark, her soul faded behind her shadow. Sadness now taints her life. Despair now scars her memory. A child destroyed by a mans sick touch.”34

“ Hidden away, so small, so afraid, so alone.” 35

“ She waits, her arms securely embracing her fragile body. Her head trapped in confusion, in distress. She is stuck amongst her need for protection and the knowing it will never come. Nothing and no one can protect her.”36

“ You slash angry silence on to your arm. The glass grasped tightly in your hand, drawing poison from your blood. No tears have broken this moment, just robotic gestures with no pain. Blood drips naturally from your sliced arm. Your emotions numb as your body relaxes.”37

“ So empty, so alone. No words to cry, no screams to echo. Just empty now, empty in silence.”38

“ For so long you survived in isolation. Each night mirrored the next. Day after day spent alone, cut off from reality, the world and yourself. Trapped alone in your lonely suffering.”39

“ Carrying flashes of pain when she is strong. Controlling her when she is weak. You are an evil man.”40

“ You sit waiting for your beauty to unfold before your eyes. Do you see? Can you see what others see in you? Look again, keep searching until you see. It has always been there.”41

“ As she lays her weary head to sleep, her body becomes tense. Her mind becomes aware that she is not in control. He now takes over, invading her dreams with memories so cruel. He shows her how he hurt her. He traps her in nightmares where he can do it all again. She keeps running. He tortures her thoughts. She wakes night after night crying as she screams with fear. She is always trapped.”42

“ Looking through the window, your soul reflects the dreariness outside. Cold, casting shadows upon every light that once shown in you. Empty.”43

“ You scream in agony. Scream so loud, but they are not heard. For you are screaming such pain inside of you, in your head, all over your body.”44

“ You feel calm. Tears slowly weeping from your pained eyes. But you are calm. These are not angry tears, or frustrated tears. These are heart breaking innocence. You are crying for your lost childhood. You are feeling hurt and heart broken, but no anger, no rage, just a fragile innocent child clinging to her feelings. She is beginning to grieve. At last she can feel. She sits and weeps.”45

“ As she weeps such sorrowful heart wrenching tears, he carries on. As the tears turn to screams of pain, he carries on. As she fades from her own existence, he carries on.”46

“ You are not blind anymore. You opened your eyes. You can see now.”47

“ Your are weeping. Weeping heart breaking, silent sobs. Your mind and body is in so much pain. Your suffering falls out of your hurt eyes. It falls down a face so haunted by human minds. Flowing down the body so tainted by human touch. But as the tears fall, you weep for who you used to be. You weep for all the suffering at evils hand. You weep because no blood has silenced your pain. No bruise has been inflicted. No food has been mistreated. You weep for the end of your pain. You grieve for the old you.”48

“ Why is your head so weighed down? You walk staring hard at the ground. Your confidence is shattered and your strength is unknown. It’s a lonely world where only your pain and thoughts exist. You think no one will understand. No one will see you. You feel so alone.”49

“ The tighter you close your eyes, the more you see. They are open now, you can see.”50

“ The bruises spread your body like an uncontrollable disease.”51

“ Weeping eyes do not take the pain away. Rushing tears of blood take you to peace.”52

“ You were trapped in addictions to survive your memories. You were trapped in isolation to save people from your pain, from your anger. You were trapped in surviving because living was not an option. Just like you were trapped in the routine of his abuse. Now you can be free.”53

“ You take a shower but you cannot get clean. You let the burning water scold your body, but still you are dirty. You dig your nails firmly into your skin, you wait for the dirt to peel off in your hands. But it does not come off. Then you realise, it will not work, for the dirt you feel is not physical. Its deep inside you, not on you. You weep.”54

“ You know everything is getting too much. You feel out of existence. You are completely isolated and alone in depressive thoughts. You wish someone, just anyone could help you. You feel invisible to seeing eyes. You have isolated yourself from the rest of the world. You are trapped in your own misery, with no spark of hope to move you forward from this state. You are not sure what to do. You do not really want to die, but you cannot live like this. You cannot find your way, so you stay trapped and alone.”55

“ She scarred her secrets upon her body, as her mind broke down and emotions died.”56

“ Her body violated, her mind distorted, herself invaded. His body violent, his mind criminal, himself pure evil.”57

“ My soul is naked, exposed and tortured, not protected and loved. I’m isolated, trapped and alone. My body is being a shell again. You are in my soul. You did get me, you stole everything.”58

“ Devastation fades from the eyes. Scars heal, but you never really forget. There is no forgetting what the true soul conceals.”59

“ Can the wounds heal once they are exposed? They are always a reminder of something so deadly, so sorrowful. Can wounds scar over and really fade from sight, from memory?”60

“ Her tears are strong. They flood intense emotion that she does not recognise. You do not know why you are crying. It’s so confusing. Just endless tears streaming down her despairing face.”61

“ Can a tear really banish every pain held so deep inside? What if the pain holds too much anger, too much hatred that it takes more to release it? Is that when the mind takes control of the body? Is that when emotion becomes too much for the body to contain, that it cuts off? It numbs itself to protect the explosion waiting to happen. A tear cannot take that kind of pain away.”62

“ The tattoos of anger keep your secrets hidden.”63

“ The children see. The children suffer. The children learn to pick up the pieces of anger, of devastation left by adults. So bound in pain. So shadowed by suffering.”64

“ Tears bleed inside, scarring your soul. The poison was to strong to wash away.”65

“ You sit gripping tightly to any kind of answers to lift you out of the shadows. Tears sting your faded eyes. Raw and naked you weep such sorrow. How did you get to this place so dark? Why does your misery keep you so heavy and frail? What is it that chains you to your deep empty isolation? Where is the hope that once kept you strong, willed you to fight every storm? Why are you fading from existence?”66

“ Is anyone actually listening when you scream in pain? Is anyone hearing your tears? Is anyone feeling your heart wrenching pain? Someone must be, somewhere.”67

“ Somedays you smile and the right emotion goes with it.”68

“ Can you see why people feel so alone? When material objects that used to make you feel secure, now seem worthless and pointless. When chatting with friends seems so fake because you cannot understand why you feel so alone. When not even God seems to be with you. Loneliness grabs you tight. You want someone to listen, to understand your pain, but no one sees you. It is such a lonely existence when nothing can comfort.”69

“ The silence of your screams are only heard where is pain. You are the forgotten one.”70

“ The forgotten one never dies, for it is the forgotten silence that lives on in souls. The forgotten one will always be remembered.”71

“ The silent screams are only heard when its all over.”72

“ You get caught up in your own thoughts sometimes. Isolation and fear of life focus your thinking on death. A way out. A fight that can end.”73

“ you come close to loosing it, you cannot find a way out.”74

“ You believe you are ugly and dirty. You believe you should be alone and kept in isolation to protect the world. You believe you should be in pain and misery more than happiness. You believe you should not feel nice. You believe that anyone who knows you secretly laughs at you. You believe people see through you and see the ugliness all around you. You believe that food is a poison and is keeping you fat and disgusting. You believe that if you draw blood through your skin, poison will come out. You believe the reason that you do not feel emotion, or cry is because you have a heart of stone. You believe you are nasty and repulsive. But you are having a bad day. That is what you believe right now, but maybe tomorrow you will be nice to yourself.”75

“ You wander the lonely streets. Your steps leading you on an aimless journey. You have nowhere to go. Your emotions numb. Walking, just walking. There are no more tears left for you a cry. The streets feel your emptiness. The morning dew moist in your messy hair as you settle down on a bench. So alone, no one can see you. You are completely invisible. No words can comfort, no embrace can heal. You have nothing to fear. The glass sharp and blood stained leads temptation on to your wrists once again. Just one more time. Desperation has gone. You have nothing left to say. You have no more strength to fight. You are gone.”76

“ You are screaming. Your face shouting, rigid with pain. But no one can see you. No one can hear you. You are all alone. Angry tears run freely and violently from your burning eyes. Your memories gushing in flashes. Broken snapshots punching and shattering your head. But still no one can see. You are in so much pain. You fall to the floor, your body lifeless except the desperation for someone to hold you through this. Someone to see this pain. You know what to do now. The tears no longer run, the screams fade to a silent echo. You pick up the glass. You hold it tight in your hand. You slash your arm. Your fists clenched, your body so tense. You slash and cut waiting for some kind of pain. But there is none, but the memories of so much anger and pain flood from your body. As the blood runs thick and fast, you admire the calmness of this moment. Your body is relaxed now, no tension, no pain. You are free, for just a moment you forget about the agony inside.”77

“ The glass firmly slices up her wrist. Her body lifeless. There is no movement except the definite wish to die. The blood drains away, rushing for its escape. She did it this time. She watches peacefully as the poison inside floods from her body. She sleeps.”78

“ You are so lonely amongst this crowd.”79

“ Piece by piece, bit by bit, the children rebuild the devastation that the adults leave behind.”80

“ You get so caught up in numbed emotions, that you trap yourself in a lonely existence, waiting for either death or something to snap you out. Nothing seems to matter. People cannot help you. Material objects are beyond comprehension and words seem completely meaningless. You wander the streets not knowing where you are or what you are doing. You are lost in yourself and alienated from the world. Nothing makes sense.”81

“ To look up to the sky is a good day. To feel warm inside is an amazing day. To watch your feet walk is to stay in bed.”82

“ Anger is a single flame taken into a room of feathers. The innocent ones do not stand a chance.”83

“ When the tears dry up and the emptiness numbs you, you know you are going down.”84

“ It’s a lonely time when your thoughts cannot be spoken, when they are filled with broken memories of a fractured childhood.”85

“ This life has to be lived otherwise we are just waiting around for death.”86

“ When anger pumps your body becomes focused on that emotion. Your body cannot relax until it has shown what is contained in it. You can feel the tension egging you on. You can see the damage you are about to cause. You can feel the explosion gripping to you. It cannot hold on much longer. Its shaking your body, its torturing your face, about to kill you. Then the stillness. The focused routine of harm. It didn’t explode. Your body so still yet ready. You become robotic, numb. You feel no pain anymore. You know what you are doing but you have no realistic control over it. The glass slices at your arm, fast, rhythmic slashes end your suffering. Each cut relaxes your body. There is no anger, no pain anymore, just poison falling peacefully down your arm.”87

“ You feel the strangest calmness, yet the most explosive emotion. Time seems to be ticking past and you seem to be flowing from day to day. But there is an eerie feeling like the calm stillness before the strongest of storms. You feel the calm, maybe too calm to explode, but you know its going to happen.”88

“ Human hand can kill. Human touch can abuse. Human mind can control, manipulate and destroy.”89

“ Everything seems wrong again. You wake up but you cannot concentrate. You cannot focus on reality. You feel de-motivated. You cannot even manage a fake smile. Maybe you are trying to hard? It’s ok to feel like shit, but you know you want to live. No more tears, or anger or sadness, or addictions. No more misery or depression. You want to be full of energy again, be happy, inspired and motivated with joy. But you cannot shake off this feeling. It’s awful. Its like you are stuck in this day and you have to live it the way you are doing, but you know at the end you will be thinking of ending your life. You have missed out on so much of your life and you do not want to anymore. You want to start living now.”90

“ If you never trusted, if it was stolen from you before you even knew what it was, how can you learn that not all people are bad?”91

“ The scars you so cruelly tattooed upon your body, will fade. So will the memories that attack your head. But as they fade, you will not. Do not ever give in.”92

“ The child with no existence becomes a shadow of darkness that grips so tightly to its soul.”93

“ Your soul is naked, exposed and tortured, not loved and protected. You are isolated, trapped and alone. Your body is being a shell again.”94

“ Your alarm does not go off. You are sunken into the cosy hug of your bed. You awake naturally, look at the time. “ oh shit” you late again. Your instinct is to jump out of bed, get ready and rush into work with your lame apologies that they have no interest in. But as you jump up, you remember the night before in broken flashes. Vodka has stained your insides yet again. Your now fragile body lays weak, pathetic, not willing to move. You close your eyes, but you cannot sleep. You are slipping into who you used to be. Looking around the floor, empty bottles have yet again numbed the memories you are trying so hard to run from. Your head is heavy, your face a frown again. When was the last time you smiled? Where is that sparkle that once connected hope to others? You are silent nowadays. You are trapped in your same mistakes. Your body is tired and aching. Your emotions numb or crying. Misery hangs your head down, the floor a familiar sight.”95

“ Only in anger will I speak of you. Only in pain will I think of you. For only misery knows your name. Only darkness summons your call.”96

“ It’s so cold outside, but it’s the safest place to be. Protected by nature, not man.”97

“ I wander the loneliest of streets, at an hour so silent. No man to hurt me here, no angry frown or bleeding eyes to upset me, just the calmest of place with a peaceful soul and still mind. I need no sleep anymore, for you hurt me in my dreams. You take me back to places so disturbing, that I fear sleep. I fear what you are going to do next. But in the night I walk. I feel free in the world because I can run from your traps now. I couldn’t run before, when I was a child. You controlled my waking in the night by hurting me. I never slept without fear shaking my body. The night time, the dark sky always begged me to be with it, outside in the rain, in the cold because I would be safe from you. So now I can run, I can get away from you, I need no sleep, for what I get is a beautiful freedom where you will never hurt me again.”98

“ As the heavens weep sorrow from the darkened sky, people fall heavy in misery. Trapped in isolation for fear of tears. God’s tears for this suffering world.”99

“ You feel numb inside. There has been no alcohol to show you have emotion.”100

“ You were curled up tight. Your knees a safe hug. You knew he had done something bad today because your life stood still. You couldn’t carry on.”101

“ You want to cry like a child. You want to scream and shout like a child. You want to be protected and loved like a child. The sad thing is, you do not know what that feels like.”102

“ Once anger bites your soul, you fade. You fade to a place you don’t even know. But this time is different. This time you feel your anger. You choke on the emotion, so intense. You fear you will not make it through. But as the words scream in the silence unheard and as your body trembles in a way of despair, small tears begin to fall from your eyes. These tears fall without contact to your body. They fall heavy. So heavy. You turn from a shaking mess into a crying figure of agonizing pain. Your face frozen in a hurt only felt by a few. A picture of pain. A moment of despairing torture. Now you feel your tears. You feel the sadness of your fragile emotions. You are expressing a pain so controlled and contained, yet now so free.”103

“ I feel like I want to peel a layer off my body. Maybe that would rid of him. I want to hurt every inch of this skin, it’s all so ugly. Maybe underneath there is new skin, my skin that is unmarked, untouched. All I see right now is the marks and scars of evils touch.”104

“ The forgotten memories will always linger on. They will attack when you are strong and control when you are weak. But you can make it through.”105

“ God, why would you create a world built on anger, on hatred with only moments of happiness and a lifetime of misery? Why would you create such monsters to screw up the naοve and vulnerable. Why would you make so many mistakes? Can you not see what you have done? Look around, everyone is hurting so badly, in so many ways. You are a cruel God. Can you see you screwed up?”106

“ There are only some many times a man can destroy a child. When it has gone too far and been too long, the child disappears. It looses it’s existence.”107

“ A teardrop lays idle, enclosed within, deep inside a broken soul. If it runs free would it open up the memories buried so deep, human embrace would not be able to comfort? Memories so fractured by human hand that reality exists in a blur. The tear drop falls hoping it’s broken soul will survive.”108

“ For so long, you were the reason for me taking a knife to my body. You were the reason the wine glass was easily emptied. You were the reason food became poison. You were the reason.”109

“ Does it look like I am an object? Does it look like I am a puppet? Does it?”110

“ You are no longer in your body, the useless shell that cannot protect itself.”111

“ You dictated my actions, you were completely in control.”112

“ You are trapped in a pit of negative thoughts and painful emotions. The world around you is living but no one can see you. You are trapped and invisible. It is the loneliest of lives. It is the saddest of emotion. People close to you scream and shout their anger, not a thought that you have to listen. People control your day, no thought that you are alive. Your whole day becomes about noise, screaming and chaos. Sleep cannot take over because nightmares wake you. All you need is peace. Just a little peace.”113

“ As the tears become empty to your pain and as your body lays numb yet ready to explode, what can you do but wish to die?”114

“ The secrets have been exposed. Your yearn for love, for care has been expressed, yet you are so alone. You have been abandoned.”115

“ Neglected from your embrace, cast away because you told of your pain and suffering.”116

“ You eat your way through your memories. Every new one is a calorie gained. You reach the point where obsession takes over. Eat, eat, now feel the aching pain, feel the need. Now run to the secret place, tie your hair back, get your fingers ready and throw up. Feel the extreme happiness as you see it coming back up. No, you can’t stop yet, there is still poison in you. It comes naturally now. The pain comes, the stomach is emptied. You curl up in a ball and feel the rush. Look at what you achieved this time. You are getting better. You untie your hair, wipe your swollen face and smile.”117

“ You are losing it. You know you are about to flip, but you can’t get away. People are in your face, tormenting you. Words blur into noises. You run, the adrenaline, the anger giving your legs unknown speed, fuelling you for your explosion. You cannot stop until you are alone. No one can see you explode, they won’t understand why you do what you do. Crying is not an option anymore. If you cry , the screams of pain would shatter the world in two. The anger is burning every inch of your body. You feel tense like steel, your face contorted into thunder. Your eyes become empty, focused and fixed on one thing, releasing. You could do anything right now. You choose to pick up rocks, bricks, anything hard and strong. You then stand, beating your arms, smashing bricks across your tender skin, not even looking or caring of the damage you are doing. Each smash is your body relaxing. Your body stiff and tense before now relaxes with each thrash of the bricks. You fall to the floor. You are calm and exhausted now. There is no more pain.”118

“ So lifeless, almost dead.”119

“ So fragile, she learns not to ask for protection. She knows it is not coming. She feels the neglect so close to her heart. Where is her mothers embrace? Were they ever there? As she sits arms outstretched for her mother to pick her up, hold her close, she knows to be silent. She knows not to ask. She is in so much pain, but it is a dirty secret that cannot be told. No one can ever embrace her pain away, because no one knows she is being abused.”120

“ The addictions become your life. They achieve nothing, but an uncontrollable hatred for yourself. You punish yourself so viciously. You destroy you. Why are you doing this? What have you done to deserve such a violent death?”121

“ The flipping of your anger creates another violent scar upon your body.”122

“ A fragile, broken mess, laying tortured and alone. Your screams too weary and shouts too pained to echo into a helping soul.”123

“ The pain aches your body stiff. Your mouth held open as if it will never speak again. Tears rim your eyes, but shock freezes over a falling tear. Your whole face still in a torturous emotion. No screams could echo this scene. No tears could wipe away this blood. Agony, grief, shock and emptiness cling like vultures, until your body takes a breath. A breath so weary. A breath not wanted anymore. You were just a little girl.”124

“ My body so useless and mind disturbed. Shadows flash this eerie scene of a life at your hands. My life at your evil hands. You are here when I am weak, you invade my head and violate my body. You remind me of memories I wish to forget.”125

“ Nothing that makes you smile works anymore. Nothing that makes you feel warm can comfort anymore. Material objects have no meaning to you. People scare you. You cannot trust anyone. You are so tired. Nothing matters anymore.”126

“ You hurl your face down the toilet, throwing up every taste of him. Your eyes red and weary, see only what evil did.”127

“ The true eyes will always see.”128

“ Don’t cry here. Hold it in, breathe a breath, look up to the sky, stop thinking, hide your face, just don’t cry here. People will stare, you will bring them down. Everyone is smiling, look at their smiles, stop crying. It’s getting worse, the tears are bonding together. They are running down your trembling face. You can’t talk, you can’t move, hide away. Turn away, think happy thoughts, don’t cry here. You look so vulnerable. You need to be held tight, so you can weep and tremble in safety. But you won’t be safe here. You look so small. Hide away so small. Disappear from this world. You don’t exist anymore, you never really did.”129

“ The darkened sky erupts with uncontrollable violence. No one knows where it may strike. The tension cuts like the slice of suicide. We are at it’s mercy, weak and feeble to it’s power. Screams howl viciously as flashes terrorise human life. Beyond our control we sit lame and frightened. The voice of anger pounds every stone man has built. There is no safe place to go, you cannot run from it, for once anger strikes, it is out of control.”130

“ The tears are burning your skin, pouring acid poison down your face. They burn, they hurt. You face wrecked in agony. You are hurting, you are not afraid to say that you are in so much pain.”131

“ The sky a thunderous grey as leaves are tossed violently with the shouts of the wind. A storm is coming. Flashes of screaming souls taunt this eerie scene. Trapped, pained souls slash down bleeding tears. Heaviness summons the sky. Weariness rushes people to safety. But I stand firm, not letting the mighty thunder scare me away. I walk the desolate streets, daring to be struck down. But I do not fear. I feel safe and calm, for this is what I feel inside. At last, the world is feeling my pain.”132

“ The cold harsh teardrops fall from the heavens. They slash so heavy against the ground, bringing with them an eerie breath of silence. Heaviness gathers fast upon many. Their sighs echo in the falling rhythm, as the crashes of light hold their dreary breath firm.”133

“ Unconsciousness never lays peaceful for you. Evil can rear it’s damaging touch upon your shell, while your eyes are darkened and your mind uncontrolled. He is controlled though, a creature snaking it’s way to his vulnerable prey. His mind focused on vicious intent, his soul darkened by the devil. Violent actions rip apart your innocence. Your eyes still darkened, you pray this reality is a distorted nightmare, but reality shocks your fragile emotions. Fear grips you tight. You wait for evil to tire and retrieve to his firey pit, while you escape to a world where tears run free blistering such innocent skin.”134

“ I walk around the church, my only hope now. People have hurt me, broken me, touched me with evils hands. I cannot handle the pain. I cannot see you face haunting me. I cannot see past this shadow darkening my path. You are my only hope now. My only hope.”135

“ If I never saw, I would to see. But now I can see, I wish to close my eyes very tightly.”136

“ Nothing can make this go away. The poison thick under my skin. it’s hurting, aching, breaking every part of my life, overwhelming me with a need to die, to escape from this pain. Torture aches my body as my mind lays numb and confused. Heaviness summons and consumes my whole being. Melting my blood, turning me to poison, thick black poison. Evils dirty mark left inside me by you.”137

“ You sit alone, arms embracing your fragile body. The sea in still, the world calm. As your burning anger roars inside, you see a way to release it. Close you eyes and imagine. Feel the bitter coldness breathe upon your face. It’s wind howls across the sky as it picks up speed. The sea withdraws it’s mighty arms and thrashes hard onto the shore. A darkness summons the sky, bringing with it an electric flash of violence, bolting hard on the ground. Unexpected screams pain from the sky as the wind and thunder howl vicious sounds that echo and shake the world. You are fighting so hard against the violence, holding, gripping tightly to the rocks. You created what you felt inside. You are calm, so still now. Your anger has been felt in the world. You have released the burning of your soul upon nature. You felt your anger in a way you can understand it. You are safe now. You are protected from yourself.”138

“ I know now that you did not abuse the real me. You abused my body. It’s just a shell protecting my soul. Now I know my soul was never blackened by your touch, I can become free from you. It’s my shell I have hatred for, but I am slowly forgiving my body. I am taking care of it. I can look after it now because it is part of me. So many people can see through to my soul, they see the innocence it carries. They know that I am not tainted or damaged by you. So whatever you thought you destroyed in me, I can take back. I will be free.”139

“ Each rape was a new scar inflicted upon my body. Each time that penis was forced into my mouth reflected each time my fingers violently prompted the poison to pour out my mouth, destroying my body. The body you used, you controlled, you damaged. How many times, please tell me how many times I had to suffer at your hands.”140

“ It’s a lonely time when your thoughts cannot be spoken, when they are filled with broken memories of a fractured childhood. People ask me why my eyes are so sad somedays, I can’t tell them why I cry like a child. I can’t tell them what I have to deal with everyday. They won’t understand, they won’t want to hear how I was damaged and how it still lives on in me. Day after day the memories pour freely into my head, but day after day I learn how to cope, how to build strength from what happened. But it’s not easy in my own thoughts. It’s lonely when I can’t tell of happy memories because they all seem tainted and fake now. It’s only now that I know what true happiness and freedom is. All my past is tainted by an evil presence. Everything I did to survive was because of what you did. You first damaged my body by viciously abusing me, then I abused my body to survive. I will never understand why you did what you did to me.”141

“ Do you see how deep your eyes carry you pain? Your eyes express what your body can no longer show. There is nothing left to hurt. You can no longer scar your body, there is no room for it to hide. You can no longer throw up the poisonous memories, for your body is fading away. But your eyes show so much of your pain. Pain that cannot be hidden by the fake smiles, or covering up the scars. The secrets unfold from your eyes. People will see your suffering.”142

“ Your eyes tell the story you are trying so hard to hide.”143

“ You get that nervous, unsettling feeling again. You feel the eeriness in the air. You know what’s coming. You cannot escape it. You have to stick with it and get through the other side. You feel sick, so sick. The whole of your body, tense, invaded by the shakes. Stay with it. Listen to what your body is trying to tell you. Feel what he did. Feel the pain, see the memory. It will be over soon. It’s getting too hard. You heave, you scream, you cry, but nothing helps. It’s still there. What’s happening. Don’t lose it, don’t hurt yourself. Don’t get violent on yourself. The anger, the excruciating violence of what he did hits you. Your sick. Your on the floor heaving up memories. It hurts so much. You felt it. You felt him in you. You are so weak, so vulnerable right now. You are locked in your head, in your body. You feel like that little girl all over again. You are reliving what he did to you, but this time it’s so much worse. It’s so painful. There is no escape. You are trapped in your memories.”144

“ Like a broken angel, she sits and weeps. Weeps in sadness, her head hung low. She falls fast into her misery. She is so alone, fearing this life.”145

“ There was this little girl once. She disappeared. Not from sight, but her spirit died very young. It was stolen from her and replaced with a deep dark emptiness. She still did everything right, always did what she was told. But all that time she was being abused by a cruel, dirty touch. She became a mixture of characters. Some happy and inspired, some angry and moody, yet she always continued being good, always pleased a sad face. She became a teenager. Only rebelled a little. Never hurt anyone, never bullied anyone, but the abuse gets worse and worse. She began to hurt herself. She would punish herself not really knowing or understanding why, she became an adult, independent, made her life. But this was the life to self destruction. She drank and smiled, but then she drank and discovered aloneness. There was no one to control her. She could do what she needed to do without having to hide, no one really cared. She found new escapes from her pain. An escape from her tears, from her constant battle of self hating. She cut away the poisonous marks inside of her. She scarred her secrets upon her body. One day she looked up on her wrists as the pills lay ahead of her. This would bring her peace. An end to a pain that made no sense. She had already died, but this time the body so riddled with evils touch would die to.”146

“ So long I suffered at your hands. You hurt me as a child, took my innocence away from me. You stole my childhood through your sick desires, through your criminal mind. You carried on my pain even when you went away. What you did to me ebbed away at my life day after day. You stole all my chances of happiness, of a normal life. You wrecked my body as a child, yet I carried on the harm as a release to my pain. The pain you caused. You are to blame for so much of my anger, of my hatred for so many things. What gave you the right, to do this to me? Who told you it was ok? What did you want from me? You need to know one thing though, you no longer control my life. What you so cruelly stole from me made me stronger. What you manipulated in me gave me back so much more than you will ever imagine. You have lost everything you tried to inflict on me, because I am in control now. You have to live with what you did to me, but I no longer have to.”147

“ Why would you hurt a child? Such a precious, innocent child. So pure, so fragile, so beautiful and untainted. Why would you touch a child in such pure places, can’t you see how wrong this violation is? Why can’t you see? Why didn’t you see? Didn’t you hear me scream in silence? Didn’t you see me fight you off as my body lays still for you? I was so pure as a baby, you stole that from me.”148

“ I closed my eyes for the first time. I closed them tight. I did not want to see anymore. Not in my waking eyes or my nightmares. I no longer had the strength to fight such images of suffering, flashes of violence, pain deep within. I thought if I shut my eyes I would no longer see. My faith was dying, my soul fading back to where addictions took lives. A darkness always lingered over me, not only within, but over my entire body. A touch so silent, so deadly. A secret that kept me in so much pain, only silence and isolation could abide my company. My head hung low, disappearing amongst my shadow as poison dripped through my body. I was so alone. For so long I would scream in silence for you to leave me. I would rip away the marks you left on me. I suffered your sick mind. I was under your power, in your control. I was so small. Tears would shake me to sleep, exhausted and drained. Soon there was no more tears, just a despairing emptiness. I would poison myself to sleep wishing to fade away and never wake. But I always did, with my body more broken. Bit by bit I died. Still so silent, still so alone. Doors would lock my anger away, isolated in addictions. The marks you left on me were invisible to the eye, places so secret people could not see. But you knew that. You knew you could hurt me and scare me so much that words would never cry from my lips. But I remember, I can see the scars you left. A life of pain at your hands. But day by day a tiny mark leaves me and the darkness turns brighter. And soon, soon you will be gone from me, for as I closed my eyes for that first time, I saw hope.” 149

“ Screams echo intensely, sharply throwing themselves off the four walls. Each second past is a pain, a hurt undone, yet it is not realised. Each angry word spat so foully out of your innocent mouth is not yours. You are a fragile child, so vulnerable, weak, tired of life. You haven’t even lived, yet the weight of burdens upon you and within you are terrifying. You scream and shout like an adult, wise to anger, filled with a lifetime of pain. Its sad, so sad.”150