Chapter 31 Survivor

Survivor.1

Survivor.2

I have already changed in so many ways,3

So now I should give myself some praise,4

For fighting my past and staying alive,5

Because look at me, I did survive.6

Take a Moment.7

I need to take a moment to realise some things about my myself,8

The first and most important is I have now got my health.9

For now I look after my body and treat it will special care,10

And all the bits that were broken, I have worked hard to repair.11

The next I need to realise is I have broken free,12

From so much of the hurt and pain that was so deeply trapped in me.13

And now if my past haunts my day I let out a tear,14

For I have confronted most of my childhood and no longer live its fear.15

The next I need to realise is I am happier most of the time,16

For it seems I can have fun now without being brought back to his crime.17

I can even have a few drinks and control the bitch within,18

For the choice has become mine now, so I always choose my life over him.19

The next I need to realise is I am not locking myself away.20

I am somehow getting stronger with every passing day.21

I am planning for my future, I am facing all my fears.22

I am putting to rest my past and dreaming of my future years.23

The next I need to realise is there are people who love and care for me,24

All making me stronger in my fight to break free.25

Showing that not everyone will manipulate or control,26

Which in turn makes me relax and able to live from my true soul.27

The next I need to realise is there are only now a few things wrong,28

For most of my behaviours and issues have been dealt with and gone.29

So it has become much easier to live my life my way,30

Able to shine with confidence and face whatever happens in my day.31

So now I have taken a few moments to reflect on my fight,32

I know the decision I made was defiantly right,33

To go back to my past and learn how to deal with his crime,34

For I know that in the end everything will be fine.35

Survivor.36

To be a survivor is to fight to be free.37

To battle issues, pain and misery.38

To be a fighter is to be strong.39

And to be strong is to always carry on.40

To be a survivor is to be happy one day.41

To stand up and shout that I have something to say.42

To gain the confidence to have powerful voice,43

And to know that in everything you have a choice.44

To have a choice is to say I’m in control.45

I am not a character playing a role.46

For I found my soul, I am free.47

This I what I truly want for me.48

Survived.49

I heard of a story about a little girl like me.50

She to was hurt so deeply and didn’t know how to break free.51

But as I heard her words of what she did to survive,52

I knew that through this, I would stay alive.53

For although we are different people, we have survived just the same,54

Holding close our deepest secrets of suffering and shame.55

But she spoke her words as clear as day,56

And it seemed all her pain had gone away.57

This struck me as I cried a tear.58

For I knew that I could do it and didn’t have to fear.59

For with the proper support and unconditional care,60

I know that from this, I will repair.61

Women.62

I am sometimes shocked by what I hear,63

Women’s stories of life that often make me cry a tear.64

For the pain that is caused to them and the fear that is shown,65

Keep some women trapped, helpless and alone.66

But women are human beings, they should not be here to be controlled.67

They should have the right to let their stories be told.68

That is why we are here today, to share are pain,69

And to gather strength from others and hopefully release some of our inflicted shame.70

I did Survive.71

I can change and I can have my say.72

I just need to work hard, to make my problems go away.73

It will not be easy, for I have to take control,74

To release the beauty that is trapped in my soul.75

But the problems have solutions, there is always a way,76

I just need to do a little, day by day.77

To heal the pain and cry the tears,78

Or all the hurt I have carried through my years.79

I have already changed in so many ways.80

Now I should give myself a little praise,81

For fighting my past and staying alive,82

Because look at me, I did survive.83

Proud.84

I can help myself so much if I am in control.85

For I can block him out of my soul.86

I can release the memories through my voice,87

And then everything in my life becomes my choice.88

But it is sometimes hard, finding the words to say,89

To explain the darkest secrets that have manipulated my way.90

For a shame takes over and won’t let me speak,91

So they all become memories I once again have to keep.92

But face that terrifying, disturbing fear,93

For I did and I screamed a tear.94

A tear that so long I should have cried.95

A tear that somehow, I could no longer hide.96

But yes it got worse, I am not going to lie,97

There were some days I just wanted to die.98

But I had opened my eyes, I had begun see,99

But I had also caught a beautiful glimpse of the true me.100

This has kept me fighting day after day.101

Writing my thoughts down if the words I could not say.102

And I can truly accept that I am glad to be alive,103

I am so proud to say, I have fought hard to survive.104

Freeing the Pain.105

Now I have survived the deepest of my pain,106

I can help in some way to let others do the same.107

For it is the hardest time living just a day,108

Having to keep secrets too fucked up to say.109

I am so happy that I feel I have pulled through,110

To the other side of my past and finally ridding of you.111

It fills me with a hope, for I felt the weakest of all,112

But look at me now, I feel confident to stand tall.113

I feel strong and more in control,114

For I have opened something precious within my soul.115

It is an understanding, a freeing of such pain,116

That once blinded me with anger and sent me insane.117

Chance to Repair.118

I am not so upset for surviving the way I did,119

I am only upset at how long I hid,120

Carrying a secret so painfully sad,121

Thinking that it was me that was so bad.122

I had so much to cope with on my own,123

With no care or understanding ever shown.124

It was a lonely time, the saddest of all,125

That is why I began to fall.126

I was a complete mess when I asked help my way,127

And I could no longer cope with another day.128

For I had fallen so deep into despair,129

Thinking that I would never repair.130

I didn’t care if I lived or died,131

I was too down to ever have tried,132

Any other way of handling what I had to bare,133

But now look, I am proof you can repair.134

Carry On.135

There are so many people out there with secrets like me,136

And these people are hurting, they cannot break free.137

They cannot speak the words they need to say,138

Instead they just hide away.139

This pains and saddens me deep inside,140

For why is it them that need to hide?141

Why are the victims always so sad?142

And why do they believe that it is them that are bad?143

I wish I could tell them that it will be ok,144

But it is such a struggle day after day.145

And the problems and issues that are needed to survive,146

Really make it hard to stay alive.147

But as each day passes you will become strong.148

You will keep carrying on,149

To fight and battle with all that comes your way,150

And one day become free and say all you need to say.151

Secrets.152

Sometimes people carry secrets that are too much to bare,153

And they become so weary they never have a chance to repair.154

They just live their life aching in pain,155

That over time sends them insane.156

This is what happened to me,157

Until one day I began to see,158

That I was hurting myself and becoming very ill,159

Because I was touched against my will.160

I was drinking and self harming, I was painfully depressed.161

I had issues with eating disorders and I was falling in a mess.162

I had an anger so raw and secrets so deep,163

To ever face another and try to speak.164

But I suddenly broke down and fell so hard,165

But I knew I had to let down my guard.166

So I screamed out my secrets and began to realise,167

That all my behaviour was just a disguise.168

For I was concealing my pain and locking it away.169

But it was eating at my soul and I couldn’t stand another day,170

Living with my past and trying so hard,171

To avoid all my hurt by putting up a guard.172

From that day I have worked hard to be strong,173

And no matter what happens, I have to carry on.174

For this is a fight I will win,175

And one day I will be over any pain caused by him.176

In Two Years.177

The last two years have been obsessed with healing my way.178

Gaining understanding and then changing day by day.179

For I was a mess, I had fallen so deep,180

But now look at me, I have made such a huge leap.181

I am now able to live without fear.182

I am able to release anger with a tear.183

I do not need my addictions to get through,184

Any of the memories of you.185

I am able to move forward and carry on.186

I have proved I have the strength to be strong.187

I have released my secrets through my voice.188

I have made my future become my choice.189

But in this time I have fallen hard,190

And in doing so I have relaxed my guard,191

And got the help that I have needed for so long.192

And with this support I have learnt how to be strong.193

It has been the toughest road that I will tread,194

And it has filled me with hope and also darkened me with dread.195

But I have come through it and I am ready to close another door.196

For I am not being controlled by him anymore.197

Fighting.198

There have been so many dark times that were controlled by you,199

But no matter how many there have been, I have always made it through.200

Sometimes with a new scar tattooed on my skin,201

And sometimes looking worryingly thin.202

But now matter what addictions I have used to survive,203

I made it through being abused and I am still alive.204

And I am still fighting every single day,205

To make myself happy and make you go away.206

I will always be stronger now, for I have been through the worst,207

And I have released my secrets and lifted the devils curse.208

And even though I feel I have to fight harder than the rest,209

I know with my strength I will do my best.210

Teach.211

I know I need to move forward, but what do I move on to?212

What is it I feel I need to do?213

Do I need to learn from my experiences and find away,214

To teach other people that the pain does not have to stay.215

Or do I ignore what I have gone through,216

And try my best to avoid anything to do with you.217

And find something else that will fulfil my soul,218

And make me comfortable not playing a role.219

I feel I have gone through so much to just walk away,220

From my past and addictions and not have a say,221

About my experiences and how I managed to cope,222

For surely that may bring others out there some hope?223

Only a Child.224

I was only a child, could you not see?225

Did you not know that it was wrong to do that to me?226

It was wrong to touch me in that way,227

And it was wrong to carry it on day after day.228

It was wrong that you manipulated me, I did not understand.229

I did not think about what you were doing, I just fell to your command.230

It was wrong that a secret it had to be,231

For it ruined my life and forever haunts me.232

It is wrong that you made me feel this shame.233

It is wrong that I was the one so deeply filled with pain.234

It is wrong that you are still alive,235

But it is right that I did survive. 236

My Decision.237

It is my decision when to move on,238

And it is my choice to make him be gone.239

So why not make that change today?240

Why not release all I have to say?241

Why not let today the time I try hard,242

To change my behaviours and release my guard.243

Why not take control and take the anger from my soul.244

Why not dream of the life that can be whole.245

Why not believe that this can be so?246

Why not have faith that I can make him go?247

Why not work harder on my fight?248

Why not do what is right.249

In my Control.250

Today is the day that I am taking control.251

I am emptying the poison of him that is left in my soul.252

I am regaining my life, making it my choice.253

For I am ready to release my inner voice.254

I am going to speak all the secrets I need to say,255

For the words are here now and the memories no longer have to stay.256

For I feel I have worked hard on my addictions and my pain,257

And now it is time to speak and release my shame.258

I now feel my life in more in my control,259

And I feel a light is now shining in my soul,260

Bringing me happiness, strength and hope,261

And making me know that I am strong enough to cope.262

Experience.263

I feel I need to do something with all I have been through.264

For something really positive can come out of me facing you.265

I feel I may be ready to help victims like me,266

For I was a victim once, but I have worked hard to be free.267

From all of my experiences I have gained so much,268

And I am now a survivor of the devils touch.269

And if I can overcome everything that happened to me,270

I really feel I can help other victims see,271

That there is help and support to deal with your pain.272

You do not have to hide all alone, trapped in your shame.273

For you deserve a life and you deserve to live.274

And I really want to help, for I have a lot now to give.275

Strength.276

Pure strength comes from deep inside.277

But sometimes in life we all want to hide.278

Hide away protected from pain.279

Hide away from this lifes cruel game.280

But the strength we have makes us fight.281

It helps us stand up and show we have the might,282

To battle this life, head on,283

To keep us fighting until we are gone.284

So hiding away, we should not be.285

For we all have the power to survive, we can all see,286

That no matter how much this life gets us down,287

We do not have to face it with a frown.288

Proud.289

I can help myself if I am in control.290

For I can block him out of my soul.291

I can release the memories through my voice,292

And then everything in my life becomes my choice.293

But it is sometimes hard finding the words to say,294

To explain the darkest secrets that have manipulated my way.295

For a shame takes over and won’t let me speak,296

So they all become memories I once again have to keep.297

But face that terrifying, disturbing fear,298

For I did and I managed to cry a tear.299

A tear that so long I should have cried.300

A tear that somehow I could no longer hide.301

But yes it got worse, I am not going to lie,302

There were some days I just wanted to die.303

But I had opened my eyes, I had began to see,304

But I had also caught a beautiful glimpse of the true me.305

This has kept me fighting day by day.306

Writing my thoughts down if the words I could not say.307

And I can truly accept that I am glad to be alive.308

I am so proud to say, I have fought hard to survive.309

Happy.310

My life has really changed over the last few years.311

For I have come to terms with my past and faced so many of my fears.312

But now it is the time to grow up and live happy as can be,313

For I have made some dreams, just for me.314

I have been strong enough to cope with all of my past,315

Now its time to enjoy my future at last.316

There should be nothing holding me back from shining as me,317

There should be nothing in my path stopping me from being free.318