Chapter 16 Abused

Abuse.1

Understanding Rape and Abuse.2

Abuse is a violation of the body, mind and soul.3

It is the sickest of power and the most evil control,4

That forces its survivor into years of pain,5

Fears and trauma and unbearable shame.6

Abuse.7

The abuse happened, I stood still,8

My body was in shock being forced against its will.9

But then it was over and it was stored deep within,10

Becoming a memory of his sin.11

A moment forgotten now, just a moment in time.12

A memory frozen, a memory of his crime.13

A pain repressed, always told to never be spoken.14

A promise from me that it will never be broken.15

But a trauma is was and now I have to speak,16

For that moment it time I cannot forever keep,17

For it brings a disturbing feeling to my soul,18

Of the time he took my body under his control.19

I have to now tell of his sin,20

For it hurts to deep, it pains me from within.21

For the moment he took my childs body, that moment in time,22

Will control me forever unless I speak of his crime. 23

Speak.24

The cycle of abuse fucked up my life,25

So much so that I wanted to die by my knife.26

And I have struggled and suffered and lost my way,27

But now with a voice I can have my say.28

I understand now how I survive,29

And because I understand it keeps me alive.30

For I have released my secrets and changed my harmful ways,31

And found new tools to survive my days.32

But I had to go down because all the secrets I repressed.33

And instead of talking I spent my life depressed.34

Until the day I found my way,35

And opened my voice to have my say.36

So from that day I knew I could no longer run away,37

For the trauma of abuse will always stay,38

Until you have released the pain and spoken your voice.39

You will keep losing control and losing your lifes choice.40

Night after Night.41

Night after night fear pierced my soul,42

Waiting for the devil to take control.43

Day after day money flashed my way,44

If I did what you would say.45

Year after year you were still here,46

But I numbed to the routine, I did not fear.47

Then one day you went away,48

And I locked up all the secrets that I should say.49

For the abuse that the devil forced upon me,50

Closed my eyes, so I could not see,51

Any light of hope to survive,52

Yet somehow I stayed alive.53

Spell.54

Because the abuse started when I was small,55

By the time I was a teenager, I was programmed to his call.56

For after years of manipulation and control,57

It became a routine for him to violate my soul.58

I hated what he did but I did not understand,59

Why I kept falling to his demand.60

Why did I not stop him doing wrong?61

Why did I just let him carry on and on.62

But I know now it was shame that made me keep,63

The twisted secret, never to speak.64

For it was disgusting and dirty, how could I ever tell,65

Of how I let the devil trap me in his spell.66

Rape.67

I had never heard the word rape before,68

So I was curious and wanted to find out more,69

But when I knew what it was I never connected it to what was happening to me,70

I never knew I was being raped and abused because I had not yet broken free.71

It was such a common thing in my life, just part of my day,72

Him coming in to my room and flashing the money he wanted to pay,73

Or trapping me the bathroom or up the wall,74

I was just a slave awaiting his call.75

He must have done a good job of grooming me when I was small,76

So that whenever he wanted he could rape me up the wall,77

But how can he have done that? How was I under such control?78

How could he be so evil to manipulate my soul?79

Forced.80

Rape is forced, there is no permission given.81

Rape is a crime so vicious for they have gone somewhere forbidden.82

Rape is about forcing power and control.83

Rape affects the victims body, mind and soul.84

Rape is a violation and a trauma of its own.85

Rape can be a shock so the victim could not have known.86

Rape is an evil, vicious crime,87

That can be over in a moment of time.88

But rape causes the victim so much pain,89

So many problems and unwanted shame,90

And unless the victim can begin to speak,91

The trauma of the crime they are forced to keep.92

Support.93

Rape caused me unbearable distress,94

Filling me with fear and helplessness, leaving my world in a mess.95

It also created shame for the violation is so deep,96

And forced me never to speak.97

Rape caused me shock after the crime,98

Which always lead to a loss of time,99

Leaving me dazed, numb and confused,100

Making you feel dirty, disgusting and used.101

Rape made me feel a complete loss of control,102

For it is just one thing that he stole,103

Leaving me vulnerable, distressed and ashamed.104

Making me afraid and so deeply pained.105

But all these feelings I should have not had to keep,106

I should have got support and let myself speak,107

For now I know there are people out there who know what to do,108

For they are trained to help me get through.109

Forbidden Secrets.110

Why am I still depressed, it does not seem fair,111

That I am working so hard for myself to repair,112

But I keep going down and losing my way,113

For a pain still lingers inside and it won’t go away.114

What can I do to change the way I feel,115

For it is getting hard to believe that I can heal.116

For one moment I am up and the next so hard I fall.117

I am trying so hard to handle it all.118

I am turning to my addictions yet again,119

To run away from this lingering pain.120

For I am getting closer to the secrets so hidden.121

I am venturing inside to the secrets that are forbidden.122

Violated.123

Forced, violated, deep in my soul.124

Helpless, powerless, no control.125

Numb, empty, gone from this scene.126

How can someone be so mean.127

Trapped, suffocated, so deeply in fear.128

Frozen, shocked, not even a tear.129

Cold, disturbing, a scream piercing the air.130

This is one torture I have to bare.131

Left alone, no one to talk to,132

About a secret of what you do.133

Silent, isolated, nothing to feel,134

How did that happen, how can I heal?135

Obsessive.136

I have become obsessive about healing my past.137

But I don’t want this torture to last.138

I want to move on from this pain so deep,139

But the only way to do that is to speak.140

Speak of the abuse and how it makes me feel.141

Speak of the memories and again make them real.142

Speak of all my moments trapped in fear.143

Speak of the sadness, to help me cry a tear.144

Speak of all the things you made me do.145

Speak of all the torture I have been through.146

Speak of the anger at what you did to me.147

Speak so my shame can be set free.148

Remember.149

I feel like I am falling and losing my way,150

For I have got to a point that I have to say,151

All the secrets of abuse that were forced upon me,152

For if I don’t, I will never be free.153

It is so hard to speak them, for they are shadowed in shame.154

And they cause me distress and unbearable pain.155

For it seems like I am re-living them and I cannot run away,156

I just have to remember then carry on my day.157

Can anyone imagine how hard it can be,158

To remember a pain, then set it free.159

And then cope with the rest of the day,160

Trying to make the memory go away.161

Secrets Within.162

Shame binds my secrets firmly within,163

Never revealing I am a victim of his sin.164

Yet addictions and anger scream out a voice,165

And leave me exposed with no control or choice.166

My addictions are here so I can run away,167

From all the problems that taint my day,168

But I don’t want to tell the secrets deep inside.169

I just want to be alone, so I can hide.170

I keep on running for I am ashamed.171

I am scared and helpless that I will be blamed.172

For I do not remember all of the facts,173

Or understand why he did the evil acts.174

Was it my fault, did I do wrong?175

Or was I weak and he too strong?176

Did I deserve it? Am I to blame?177

Is that why it is me who feels the shame?178

Sickest Control.179

Rape and abuse is a violation of the body, mind and soul.180

It is the sickest of power and the most evil control.181

It is the years of pain and suffering forced upon that being,182

And becomes all that the survivor keeps seeing.183

Rape and abuse is a trauma, the ultimate distress,184

That some of it’s survivors tend to repress.185

Then years and years later find a voice,186

Because they have lost control and feel they have no choice.187

Rape and abuse creates shame that lays deep within,188

Even though it’s not their fault, it is not their sin.189

It creates a disturbance that hurts deep in the soul,190

And eats away inside until they lose control.191

Trauma.192

An attack like rape can leave you feeling numb.193

Confused, dazed, disoriented and dumb.194

It can put you into shock and you may lose time,195

But you will remember the vicious crime.196

So it is important to open up and speak,197

For it is a trauma you do not have to keep.198

And there is support out there to help you get through,199

To listen and comfort and show what you need to do.200

So never block it out, or fade it away,201

For it will catch up with you one day,202

But by then your life could be in deep distress,203

Because of the trauma you were forced to repress.204

Forced into Silence.205

I never used to cry, I just screamed a pain,206

That kept me bound in the secrets of my shame,207

That held me alone, hidden in fear,208

Never knowing how to let my pain out in a tear.209

It was the saddest time, all alone,210

Where I had to carry on with no guidance shown.211

Carrying a secret I was never allowed to speak,212

For I was forced into silence, a secret I had to keep.213

So when it got too much for me to bare,214

And when I got so down I could not see how to repair,215

A scream would ache from deep within.216

A scream of a pain caused by his evil sin.217

Violation.218

The violation of rape is so hard to explain.219

It is the most wrenching pain and unbearable shame,220

That leaves you feeling helpless, with no control,221

While the attacker disturbs your soul.222

The shock and trauma freezes you inside,223

But all you need to do is run and hide.224

But you cannot move, you are trapped in a sin,225

That is not your fault, but it haunting you within.226

It is the most disgusting act that can leave you feeling riddled with dirt,227

Anger, hatred and unbelievable hurt.228

It can make you want to hide or run away.229

And never open up to say what you should say.230

Questions.231

I have a few questions I want to ask him.232

They are questions of why he did such a sin.233

They should be answered for what he did was so wrong,234

And the torture of what he did has been in me too long.235

I need to know the sickness of his mind.236

I need to know what he was trying to find.237

I need to know if he believed it was right.238

I need to know why he did it to a child who could not fight.239

I need to know to understand why,240

He fucked me up so much and left me wanting to die.241

And why he had the devil in his soul.242

And why it was my life that he stole.243

Guilty.244

When I finally confronted him,245

He knew right then that he had committed an evil sin.246

But a shaky sorry, was all he could say,247

For my entire life taken away.248

What are you going to do? That is what he said,249

Well what could I say when I just wished he was dead.250

For so angry I was, he had taken it all.251

But their he was so guilty, now so small.252

I now had the power. I had the control.253

I wanted to punish him for everything he stole.254

But I was on the phone, he was far away,255

And I pray to God that is where he will stay.256