Chapter 15 Memories

Memories.1

Secrets and Memories.2

The devils touch destroyed my being.3

Took my soul and stopped me seeing.4

Left me broken in fallen shame,5

Wrapped tight in anger and so deeply in pain.6

No one can see.7

You have me trapped, why can no one see?8

The disgusting, sneaky things you are doing to me?9

No one can see you leering upon my shell,10

No one can see the manipulation of your evil spell.11

No one can see your hands touching me in the night.12

No one can see that I am too small to fight.13

No one can see you pushing me against the wall,14

No one can see that when you are gone, so vulnerable and weak I fall.15

No one can see how you trap me in my room,16

Telling me not to worry because it will be over soon.17

No one can see you rape me once again,18

No one can see I am so small, it’s causing too much pain.19

No one can see how you make me kiss you down there,20

No one can see my child body so innocently bare.21

No one can see I am hurt too deep to even cry.22

No one can see this abuse, no one can see me slowly, painfully die.23

Tainted Secrets.24

My past, a tainted secret that fucks up my days,25

Manipulating addictions and so many harmful ways.26

But how do I stop them controlling me?27

How do I make it past again, like it should be?28

I feel really disturbed by the secrets I keep inside,29

And I try everything I can to make them hide.30

But they are boiling up, I think I will have to speak,31

Of all the twisted secrets I can no longer keep.32

So here is my past, this is what happened to me.33

Hopefully if I say them, I can at last be free.34

For they are only words now, the crimes happened long ago,35

I am just praying that after I speak, the anger and pain will go.36

Abused.37

I have a shame inside that goes beyond any other.38

It is the shame of being sexually abused by another.39

The shame of being raped, the shame of what I had to do,40

As you had me on my knees forcing me to do things to you.41

Things I should have known, were so viciously wrong.42

But a secret it was to remain, until the day I was gone.43

So alone I faded through the day and the night,44

Knowing that any time you would come and give me a fright.45

After you had done your dirty evil acts,46

I swore deep inside, that I would tell someone the facts.47

About how this evil man was hurting me inside,48

But I did not have the courage, instead I would just hide.49

Memories.50

So fragile I held myself in fear,51

Knowing I could not scream a single tear,52

As you tore at my shell with vicious intent,53

I knew your sick fantasies I had to invent.54

Memories.55

The memories of the abuse I keep deep within.56

Memories of torture caused by him.57

Memories so sick, I feel so ill,58

As I remember how he forced me to do things against my will.59

These memories come thick and fast,60

As I go backwards and remember my past,61

For there are so many times he sexually abused me,62

That years and years of memories are all I can see.63

I cannot imagine how many times,64

Over the years he committed his crimes.65

But I am remembering over and over again,66

And as each memory surfaces, I twist inside with shame.67

Fear.68

So fragile I held myself in fear,69

Knowing I could not scream a single tear,70

As you tore at my shell, with vicious intent,71

I knew your sick fantasies I had to invent.72

You chained me up against that wall,73

Could you not see I was just too small.74

Too small to understand your perverted hands.75

Too young to fight off your sick demands.76

No way to stop you, no way to fight,77

Shocked still and silent, I had no might.78

For strength in your hands, in your body to,79

So into my head, I knew what to do.80

Alone I scream in my head, so silent,81

Waiting for you to stop this torture so violent.82

Wanting so bad to hug my pain away,83

But knowing and hating you were here to stay.84

Up that wall again, you are about to attack,85

So I am gone in my head and never coming back.86

But I come round to see I am down on my knees,87

Begging to stop you, stop it please.88

Down on my knees, a slave was I,89

To your sick fantasies, oh dear God why?90

I hated so much the sight of you,91

When you gave me the money, I knew what to do.92

I feared so much what next you would do,93

But you had done your worst, my fears were un due.94

Never again will my life be the same,95

For you left me so broken, in so much pain.96

I was too small in body to put up a fight.97

Too young in my mind to know it was not right.98

Too weak, too hurt to even realise,99

That it was not my fault, you were evil in disguise.100

As my body grew stronger and my mind became aware,101

I wanted to stop you, but I did not dare.102

For as you entered my room each and every night,103

I would grow too weak, to put up a fight.104

Eyes.105

There was always something wrong with the way he used to stare,106

It was the same look in his eyes whether I was fully clothed or bare.107

It was an excitement I could see, a longing for my shell,108

And whenever he flashed those evil eyes, I knew I was trapped under his spell.109

It happened all the time, even when family were sat around.110

I was never safe for I would always be found,111

Even when I was out he would find a way,112

To snare me in his trap and make my body pay.113

I did not really exist anymore, I never seemed to be in my shell,114

But I never really knew that it was making me unwell.115

I just thought if I did not think about it, it would go away,116

And I was managing just fine locking it away.117

Night time.118

There were times in my past where I awoke in fear,119

Too shocked and stunned to cry a tear.120

For what awoke me was something disturbingly wrong,121

That had tainted my nights for so long.122

I was being abused in the night,123

When I was asleep, so I could not fight.124

He would strip me until I was bare,125

Then he would touch me down there.126

He would be crouched down by my bed,127

Behind the door, by my head,128

Touching me, hidden from sight,129

As the rest of the house lay asleep in the night.130

The Wall.131

There were times I was forced against my bedroom wall,132

And I had to just stand there and take it all.133

But as he forced himself inside me, I didn’t know it was rape,134

I was just trapped between the wall and him, with no escape.135

His head would be pressed firmly against me,136

And his foot against my door, so I could not break free.137

I was suffocated, trapped, I could not push him away.138

So I stood still and let him have his evil way.139

Then he would pay me some money to silence my voice.140

I could never tell, I had no choice.141

For the abuse had been this way for so many years,142

And the control and power held me in my fears.143

Sick Demands.144

You sat on my bed, your bottom half bare.145

You told me to suck you down there.146

So I bent down and did what you said,147

All the time, wishing I was dead.148

You would push my head down with your hands, 149

Choking me, as you told me your demands.150

And I would just do them, every time,151

For I did not know you were committing a crime.152

But a crime it was, I was being abused.153

I was told to do acts that made me dirty and used.154

But I was only a child, so very small.155

I should not have been set up for that fall.156

Bathroom.157

He trapped me in the bathroom, such a tiny space,158

I could not move as my pulse began to race.159

What was it today? A blow job or rape?160

It didn’t really matter, I still had no escape.161

When it was over he would listen at the door,162

To make his sneaky escape that no one ever saw.163

I would have to wait for a little while,164

Then go to my room and put on my fake smile.165

Why did I obey every single command?166

Why did I never say no? never make a stand?167

Even when I was old enough to possibly fight,168

I never said no, even though I was screaming in my head, it isn’t right.169

Maturity.170

As I got older, my body grew,171

And that changed the things that you used to do.172

You exploited my body so much more,173

For it would turn you on with what you saw.174

You would make me strip my top half bare,175

While you would touch yourself and sinisterly stare.176

Then you would make me dance until you came,177

Then I would cover myself up feeling shame.178

Then you would leave uncomfortably dressed,179

While I sat down silent and quietly depressed,180

Until something would happen to bring me back,181

From the disturbing world that felt so black.182

Raped.183

You raped me against that wall,184

When I was a child and so very small.185

But what told your mind that it was right?186

To rape a child too young to fight?187

What is your sickness? What is your disease?188

Are you the devil? Did you do it to please,189

Some sick perverted evil that darkened your soul?190

Is that why you took my control?191

You left me helpless, scared and weak.192

You made me believe that I was the freak.193

You took everything, every single day.194

Will you ever fucking go away?195

Deep Shame.196

You would try to kiss me, hold my hand.197

It really confused me, I did not understand,198

Why you were being this way,199

For it was so different to what you did day after day.200

It was in public, so other people could see.201

What if someone saw you trying to kiss me?202

I felt so ashamed, so disgusting inside.203

All I wanted to do was run and hide.204

Had it become a risk? A danger to you?205

To show other people what you would do.206

What sort of sick thrill did you get from my shame?207

Why was this abuse such a twisted game?208

Tainted Memory.209

There is one time I remember a terrible pain.210

It shocked me out of my numb state and made me scream out your name,211

And you ran away as fast as you could,212

As I fell to the floor with a thud.213

I was only young, I did not know,214

That your poisonous weapon could go,215

Inside such a dirty place, a different hole.216

Another tainted memory inside my soul.217

You had gone behind me, I was bent over my bed.218

I was gone away inside my head.219

But you did it different, it was the wrong place,220

And now every time I remember it, I fall in disgrace.221

On my knees.222

So many a time he had me on my knees,223

Telling me I was such a tease,224

For I had turned him on, so I had to follow through,225

By performing acts that made him feel pleasure to.226

But what had I done to turn him on?227

Was it me that made his weapon so long?228

He had told me to strip, stand naked and bare,229

And what he did was touch himself and stare.230

So what did I do? Was this pleasure to him?231

Was it then my fault, was it my sin?232

Did I cause his erection so then I had to fall to my knees,233

Was I really a tease?234

Or was this another manipulation of his sick mind,235

To make me feel it was my fault in any way he could find? 236

So that I did what he said, so he had control,237

Another sick way to poison my soul.238

Sick.239

I was on my period, but you did not care,240

You still wanted to see my body bare.241

For you had new things you wanted to do,242

New acts to pleasure you.243

Things so disgusting I cannot tell.244

For if I even think of them they make me unwell.245

They were dirty and painful, sick and wrong.246

Thank God you are now gone.247

My shame of these acts I cannot express,248

For they leave me in so much distress.249

But all I can say is I will never speak,250

So these memories I will always keep.251

Characters. 252

The character you liked was the statue so still,253

For you could do anything against my will.254

But I could not move, I was not allowed to speak,255

But the memories of these acts I certainly keep.256

You would try to pleasure my shell, rub yourself against me,257

But I tried to hold it in so you could not see,258

That it felt really weird, an explosion within, 259

But this was another manipulation of your sin.260

You would make it seem that we both felt good,261

Then make me believe that we both could,262

Enjoy your crime, so it was not wrong,263

But I was in my head, I was gone.264

Day after Day.265

We were at the dinner table one time,266

And you decided to rub your leg up and down mine,267

Hidden from everyone’s sight,268

I was too shocked to be able to fight.269

I felt so ashamed that you did that to me,270

For what if someone was to see?271

I would curl up disgusted, I would kill myself in shame,272

Even though I was not to blame.273

For you had programmed me well to deny it was wrong,274

So I would believe what you said and let you carry on,275

For I knew nothing different, I thought it was the way,276

For I had lived with this abuse, day after day.277

Years.278

His sweat on my shoulder, dripping down my back.279

My whole world went dizzy, then black.280

For I was crushed up that wall wishing I was dead,281

For I was being raped, so I went into my head.282

He was really violent, I felt really bruised.283

It was disgusting and dirty, I knew I was being abused.284

For now I was a teenager, I knew it was wrong.285

But I knew soon he would be gone.286

So I remained silent, not long to go,287

But that was when my addictions began to show.288

For I was having a lot of problems, I knew something was wrong inside,289

But I just blocked it out, made it hide.290

It was only when I moved out of home,291

That I lost control and made my addictions known.292

But it took years and years for me to speak.293

Years and years of abuse had made me weak.294

Presence of him.295

An excruciating pain, he’s raping me again.296

He tells me it should feel nice, but I am screaming silently in pain.297

How is it nice? It is burning within,298

Please get off me, stop committing this sin.299

He shudders and jolts, a signal that its at an end.300

Now he pays me money, how much that would depend,301

On what he had just done to me,302

Either way I know I am free.303

I quickly get dressed and peel myself off the wall.304

I try to get to my bed but I instantly fall,305

With throbbing and burning, aching me within,306

But at least I am alone, not in the presence of him.307

Prostituted.308

You raped my body time after time.309

You made me feel I was a prostitute, for you paid me for your crime.310

You told me you wanted me, that you lusted my frame.311

You caused me so much anger and so much pain.312

I would never cry, never shed a tear.313

I would just sit in silence, sometimes in fear.314

For there were days that your violence caused me pain,315

But other times you were different and make it seem that I was to blame. 316

But how was it my fault? I never asked you to rape me.317

But then I didn’t know it was wrong, so I never broke free.318

But how was I to know, I was manipulated for so long.319

As a child I didn’t know it was wrong.320

Dirty.321

So lonely I sit, in misery I fall.322

So vulnerable and weak, so very small.323

As a child, fear gripping me tight,324

As he stands over me, showing his might.325

He is gone now, as tears sting my face,326

I wish so hard to be taken from this place.327

But alone I sit, sadness all I can see,328

As he leaves me so dirty, fallen in misery.329

Dirty marks he left on my shell.330

Disgusting memories, I know so well.331

There is no hope, he will never leave.332

I am suffocated, trapped, no longer I breath.333

Why does he torture me for so long,334

When I have not done anything wrong.335

It is him who is evil, it is him who turned bad.336

Why did he trap me, make me so sad.337

This is another memory I have to keep.338

Another pain to bury so deep.339

But one day he will go away,340

But for now I have to carry on with my day.341

Night.342

As I looked upon your face, I saw the power of your eyes,343

So I turned my head aside and watched the peaceful midnight skies.344

The moon so beautifully pale, the stars all a light,345

I wished so hard to God that I could be out in the night.346

But that would not be so, for I was trapped in my bed.347

But while in this disturbing scene, I would go into my head.348

Away from all this torture, my body had to bare,349

Away with the Angels, showing me they care.350

As soon as you would finish, you would get up and leave,351

But I would just forget, for I did not know how to grieve.352

For each and every time, you would hurt me in that way,353

I knew it would never stop, for you were never going away.354

Helpless.355

Leave me alone, I cannot take anymore.356

But he is creeping so close, he is at my bedroom door.357

Flashing the money upon my sight.358

Now he is going to leave me helpless, unable to fight.359

He creeps in slowly, a monster in the night.360

I want to scream so loud, but I hold it in tight.361

For there is nothing I can do, I am trapped in hell.362

My childhood is in torture, under the devils spell.363

Trapped.364

You followed me into the toilet, I could not get out.365

I could not say no, I could not shout.366

I just had to do everything you wanted of me.367

Then you would pay me the money and let me go free.368

I had to show you my breasts, turn you on,369

But that never took too long,370

For you were already aroused before you came to me,371

It was predetermined how you wanted me to be.372

I had to perform in characters, many a disguise,373

But when I performed, I could look into your eyes,374

And see your sick lust upon my shell,375

But I did not care, for I was not under your spell.376

It was not me, it was not happening to me.377

I was fake, I did not have to be,378

The little girl I was, I could be anyone,379

And I had perfected these characters for so long.380

My First Time.381

You stole my precious first time,382

Because you are a pervert and committed a crime,383

Upon a child who did not know,384

That innocence so young should not go.385

I was too young to know it was wrong,386

For I had been under your curse for far too long.387

And I did not know what you were doing, I had faded into my head,388

But now I know how precious it is, I would have fought you instead.389

I would have shouted and screamed, hurt you bad.390

I would have even made out that I had gone mad,391

Just to stop you doing such a crime.392

Just to protect myself that time.393

Evil.394

I never knew what evil could do,395

Until I met eye to eye with you.396

For you carried the devil inside your shell,397

And trapped me in your spell.398

Devil.399

Ugly, dirty, how can it be?400

That I am so pure, yet cannot see.401

A life without his dirty touch,402

Lingering over my body, getting too much.403

It is like a disease creeping across my skin,404

But I did nothing wrong to deserve such an evil sin,405

Forced upon me, destroying my shell.406

Just a child, chained in the devils spell.407

He should now be punished for what he did,408

For my sadness and shame, for the secrets I hid.409

But he lives his life as if it were a game,410

Where as I live my life shadowed in pain.411

Spell.412

I never knew what evil could do,413

Until I met eye to eye with you.414

For you carried the devil inside your shell,415

And you knew you had trapped me in your spell.416

The spell of power, of immense control.417

You saw me as a child and everything you stole.418

For your urge to hurt me was just too strong,419

And as you tortured my body, you could not see it was wrong.420

But as a child I was too weak to fight,421

And as a child I did not know it was not right.422

But when I grow up, I will be strong,423

And tell the world of your crime so wrong.424

The Poison.425

The image of poison is tattooed on my skin.426

This image is the devil inside of him.427

Only I see it, only I know,428

The evil of this man and how his marks show.429

For my darkest eyes cloud my sight,430

And remind me of evil I could not fight.431

And then clear as day, I see his mark,432

Then I see my soul, so tainted, so dark.433

The marks lay deep inside my soul.434

They are a symbol of how he took my control.435

Now stained with his poison I must be,436

Left with the marks of evil only I can see.437

Control.438

The poison that lingers through my soul,439

Is the poison of him, taking control.440

It burns and twists my life into hell.441

It clings on tight making me unwell.442

It feeds my anger, it causes me hurt.443

It distorts my eyes to see only dirt,444

Creeping fast upon my shell,445

Keeping me chained under his spell.446

This poison is ugly, a disgusting mess,447

That only leads to my despairing distress.448

And this is only part of the battle I fight,449

To get back my power, to do what is right.450

Dirty Marks.451

He left his poison in my soul.452

He manipulated my mind to let him have control.453

He left dirty marks under my skin.454

He committed the darkest, most evil sin.455

He touched my body in ways I did not know.456

And I let him, I did not tell him no.457

For I was a child, the smallest of all.458

I did not know that it would make me fall.459

I never questioned if it was right or wrong,460

For it carried on for so long.461

It became a routine, why would I question why?462

Why my life had become a lie.463

Night after Night.464

Night after night fear pierced my soul,465

Waiting for the devil to take control.466

Day after day money flashed my way,467

If I did what you would say.468

Year after year you were still here,469

But I numbed to the routine, I did not fear.470

Then one day you went away,471

And I locked up all the secrets that I should say.472

For the abuse that the devil forced upon me,473

Closed my eyes, so I could not see,474

Any light of hope to survive,475

Yet somehow I stayed alive.476

Innocence.477

A disturbed person, a disgusting sin.478

A mark of evil left deep within.479

A violation, a poison to my soul.480

An innocent child is who he stole.481

A fragile mind, a tiny frame.482

Too young to experience that kind of pain.483

To naïve to manipulation, too small to fight.484

Too young to know the morals of wrong and right.485

Too hidden away for anyone to see,486

The sexual abuse forced upon me.487

Too scared, too trapped in my fears.488

A silent secret for so many years.489

Evil Souls.490

All my childhood was tainted with shame.491

And all my adulthood I have gone insane.492

For what happened to me, stole every part of my life,493

And it nearly killed me by my knife.494

For his perverted hands emptied my soul,495

As he manipulated, abused and took control.496

He is the sickest evil that there can be,497

So why would God place him near me?498

Why me? I keep asking the same.499

But why anyone? Why so much pain?500

Why are there no answers? Why does no one know,501

How to make the evil souls go?502

Take me Away.503

Take me away, I hate this place so much.504

It is controlling and dark, filled with the devils touch.505

I hate and fear every night I sleep,506

And I hate that these secrets are mine to keep.507

I should have told.508

Bruising between my legs, time after time.509

Evidence and proof of your dirty crime.510

But why didn’t I show anyone? Someone could have helped me.511

Someone could have broken me free.512

Was it because I thought I was to blame?513

Or was it because I was shadowed in shame?514

Was it because I wanted the rewards I was given?515

Or was it because my words were silenced and forbidden?516

Was it because I thought no one would believe me?517

Was it because I didn’t know that I could break free?518

Was it because I didn’t know it was wrong?519

What was it in me that made it carry on and on?520

Help.521

Bruising between my legs time after time,522

Evidence and proof of his vicious crime.523

But too young I was to understand,524

That I could get help if I told of his demand.525

So alone I lived in fear, I lived in shame,526

I lived in an existence of only suffering and pain,527

So who would help me? I didn’t deserve to be free,528

For there was too much badness crawling in and outside of me.529

So the bruises stayed, so did the abuse.530

For I was a child, that was my use,531

To suffer and hide the secrets of him.532

To live with the pain and torture of his evil sin.533

Control.534

It was all about control and you knew that all along.535

You knew what you were doing was so terribly wrong.536

That is why you used manipulation to get your sick way,537

For you wanted it to carry on, you didn’t want to go away.538

But how did you learn how to manipulate me?539

Was it already in you, or did someone make you see.540

That if you rewarded an evil crime,541

You could always get what you wanted, time after time.542

Would you just guess at what would manipulate my mind?543

Would you try things out, so you could find,544

New ways to abuse me, new ways to control,545

New ways to hurt me, to violate my soul.546

Dirty Crimes.547

So much abuse, so many times.548

So many years, so many times.549

So many nights trapped in fear.550

So many times in shock unable to cry a tear.551

So many memories that now haunt my mind.552

So many questions but no answers to find.553

So much anger, so many fears.554

So many screams of pain, now so many tears.555

So many nightmares in the night.556

So many issues I have to fight.557

So many depressive, miserable days.558

So many destructive, survival ways.559

Run Away.560

I want to pack my bags and run away,561

For this place so evil, I cannot stay.562

For I am being abused, I cannot take anymore,563

Will someone please, take me through that door.564

Take me away, I hate this place so much.565

It is controlling, it is dark, filled with evils touch.566

I hate and fear each night I sleep.567

And I hate that these secrets are mine to keep.568

Why do I have to carry this pain?569

I am just a child, I think I am going insane.570

I cannot cope, I cannot live,571

I have nothing left in me to give.572

Escape.573

She lay awake each and every night,574

Helpless and weak, she knew she could not fight.575

So she packed her bags and waited for the time,576

That the evil man would finish his crime.577

She dreamed of the night he would leave her alone.578

She prayed to God that the devil would not be shown.579

But she knew deep inside, he would appear,580

And leave her in pain, crying a tear.581

She could no longer take what he did,582

So she would go on the run and if he found her she could have hid.583

But she was too afraid to face the night,584

So she lay still in her bed, unable to fight.585

Guilt.586

Prison is a place he should know so well.587

But it seems it will be me visiting a padded cell.588

How can this be, how is it right,589

That the victim has to put up such a fight?590

A fight for survival, a fight to be free,591

From the pain and torture that should never be.592

For a child should never have this pain so deep.593

A child should never have this secret to keep.594

So he should be locked up, chained up tight,595

Like a monster so vile, with no life, no right.596

For the evil sin he forced upon me,597

Should leave him riddled with guilt and misery.598

Innocent One.599

My whole life I have been fading away,600

Hoping that there could be some way,601

To make myself better, to heal from my past,602

And to move on, be free at last.603

I have been through the most disturbing years,604

And it has deadened my soul and now I only have fears.605

Fears for my health, my body and mind.606

Fears that answers I will never find.607

It does not seem fair, it is not right,608

That my whole life should be this fight,609

To myself better from a crime he forced on me.610

For I am the innocent one, I should now be free.611

Manipulation.612

Because the abuse started when I was small,613

By the time I was a teenager, I was programmed to his call.614

For after years of manipulation and control,615

It became a routine for him to violate my soul.616

Manipulation.617

You paid me in sweets, money and more,618

Always flashing it first at my door,619

To manipulate me into your dirty spell,620

So I had a treat, if you could have my shell.621

It was pure manipulation, the usual routine,622

Getting a reward for you being mean.623

But I was programmed in it for so long,624

That I did not know what he did was wrong.625

As I grew older, he named each act with a price,626

So I knew how much money I would get if I was nice.627

But again he knew he could get anything from me,628

For I was controlled in his abuse and would never break free.629

Spell.630

Because the abuse happened when I was small,631

By the time I was a teenager, I was programmed to his call.632

For after years of manipulation and control,633

It became a routine for him to violate my soul.634

I hated what he did, but I did not understand,635

Why I kept falling to his demand.636

Why did I not stop him doing wrong?637

Why did I just let him carry on and on?638

But I know now it was shame that made me keep,639

The twisted secret, never to speak.640

For it was disgusting and dirty, how could I ever tell,641

Of how I let the devil trap me in his spell.642

Wore me down.643

The manipulation and control wore me down so much,644

That I no longer feared your sick touch.645

I would just do exactly what you said,646

While fading away into my head.647

But at the some point in time, you started giving me a choice.648

A little control over my tiny voice.649

But this was another manipulation that I did not see.650

For it was another way for you to blame me.651

You would make me decide what I wanted to do,652

Showing me the money first and then telling you,653

What sexual act deserved such a prize,654

Then I would perform in my chosen disguise.655

It was another way that you used control,656

To make it seem my fault that you would violate my soul.657

But I know it is not true, it was another sick game,658

To keep me silent and think I was to blame.659

Characters.660

As he entered my room each and every time,661

I knew there was only one purpose, to commit a crime,662

And armed with a fiver and his hands down there,663

I knew t was time for my body to be bare.664

I didn’t feel fear the older I grew,665

I had turned into a robot, it was just another routine I had to do,666

And me armed with the many characters of mine,667

He would choose to whom he would commit his crime.668

The statue, the one who lay on the bed so still,669

Unable to move, his sick fantasies he could fill,670

Or the seductive stripper I had to play with disgust,671

As he pleasured himself, his eyes filled with a disturbing lust.672

Violated.673

Forced, violated deep in my soul.674

Helpless, powerful, no control.675

Numb, empty gone from this scene.676

How can someone be so mean.677

Trapped, suffocated, so deeply in fear.678

Frozen, shocked, not even a tear.679

Cold, disturbing, a scream silently piercing the air.680

This is one torture I have to bare.681

Left alone, no one to talk to,682

About a secret of what you do.683

Silent, isolated, nothing to feel,684

How did that happen, surely that was not real.685

Deeply Disturbed.686

Sick and twisted, deeply disturbed in mind.687

I hope that peace you never find,688

For I will never forget what you did to me.689

So I hope they lock you up, never to be free.690

For I have never felt this kind of pain before,691

And I cannot do anything to close that door,692

To forget what happened when I was small.693

So I have to face it and deal with it all.694

But it creates a disturbance deep within,695

Every time I remember any part of your sin.696

Whether it be manipulation, power or control,697

Or the sexual acts that violated my soul.698

Twisted Games.699

The manipulation changed with my age,700

For as I became wiser, you would go to another stage,701

Where it seemed that it was more me to blame,702

For your sick, twisted game.703

You would try to pleasure me, tell me I was turned on.704

And that was what made you weapon so long.705

So I had to then make you feel that same way,706

And only then would you go away.707

It was hard to fade away on these times,708

Because I was feeling different that all your other crimes.709

For you were making me feel things I could not control,710

And that still makes me feel sick deep in my soul.711

Easy to Forget.712

So many manipulations that I could not see.713

So much control, I did not know how to break free.714

For it was such a hidden secret, I could never speak.715

So it was buried deep down, always to keep.716

So many memories for me to tell,717

But as a child I was bound under his spell.718

So as soon as it was over, I would just carry on my day,719

And make my memories go away.720

It was easy to forget, because it happened so many times.721

So many dirty, disgusting crimes.722

But I will not be able to forget what he did to me.723

But one day I know my words will run free.724

I did not know.725

I did not know what abuse was. I did not know what he did was wrong.726

For it had always been in my life, just going on and on.727

And even as a teenager it never came to mind,728

To fight him off with anything I could find.729

It was a routine I just had to go through,730

And by the time I was older, I was already programmed what to do.731

I knew if it was a fiver I had to be down on my knees,732

And if anything else I was forced in some other way to please.733

Weak or Strong?734

I was told that abuse is all about power and control.735

If that is true, you knew all along you were poisoning my soul,736

And using your disturbed mind to cause me pain,737

And manipulating me to think I was to blame.738

How sick your mind, how evil your touch,739

To know you were destroying so much.740

And taking my innocent life in your hands,741

Controlling me in your demands.742

It is a pure evil crime,743

That does not go away, not even in time.744

It just eats away inside till I feel I cannot carry on,745

And then I am forced to decide whether I am weak or strong.746

Age and Power.747

Manipulation was so hard to fight,748

Especially because I was too young to know what was right.749

So he started his abuse at the right time,750

For me to live forever with his crime.751

It makes me believe he knew what he was doing along,752

And he also knew that what he did was wrong.753

Using his age and power to steal my control,754

And leaving these memories imprinted in my soul.755

It also shows me he was evil deep within,756

To be so young and know how to commit such an evil sin,757

And use manipulation in such a way,758

To keep me silent, never having words to say.759

Harm.760

I never questioned what he did,761

It was just a secret that I hid.762

Burying it deep, so deep within.763

A secret of his twisted sin.764

It was like I just forgot as he went away,765

For I would snap out of my daze and then carry on my day,766

As if nothing had just happened to me,767

But the signs of distress, I began to see.768

I was stealing form shops, I was not eating food.769

I was either extremely happy or in an angry mood.770

I was bruising myself, hurting my arm,771

But I did not realise why I was causing myself harm.772

Under the Spell.773

His manipulation I know so well.774

It was a control to keep me under a spell.775

To make me believe that I did wrong,776

When it was his fault all along.777

This is why I have been left with guilt and shame,778

And fallen deep inside my pain.779

Not knowing how to release my tiny voice,780

For all along I did not know I had a choice.781

But his manipulation I can now fight,782

For I know what he did was not right.783

So now I have taken back my control,784

I know it was him with the devil in his soul.785

Programmed.786

I do not know how you made me believe that it was right.787

But I know from my memories I was not programmed to fight.788

I had to just accept that this would be the way,789

Until you left home someday.790

It would fade from my mind almost straight away.791

I would never think about it through my day.792

It would just be forgotten until the next time,793

You decided to commit another crime.794

And that was often, whenever you could.795

You would creep into my room and tell me I should,796

Get up the wall, or down on my knees,797

Lay on my bed, or do a striptease.798

Dissociation.799

I have been in shock so many times,800

Always after he committed the crimes.801

But that shock became a fading away,802

As I began to dissociate all through the day.803

Fading.804

I have been in shocked so many times,805

Always after he committed his crimes.806

But that shock became a fading away,807

As I began to dissociate all through my day.808

Now when I remember his sins, I dissociate.809

For it ha always been my way to escape.810

It makes me go numb and not feel pain.811

It helps me hide away in my shame.812

I have lost half my life this way,813

Avoiding emotions and hiding away.814

Never feeling pain, or crying tears.815

Never feeling real emotions for any of my years.816

Switch Off.817

I would dissociate from what you did to me.818

Switch off my feelings and no longer see.819

So I was no longer part of that scene.820

I was not there as you were being mean.821

After it was over, I would just sit and stare.822

Just empty and numb, not at all aware,823

That what had happened to me was an abuse so wrong.824

I just waited for my life to carry on.825

I lost so much of my time,826

In a daze after your crime.827

But now I know it was to numb the pain,828

Of the abuse inflicted upon my frame.829

Systematic Abuse.830

You systematically abused me, day after day.831

Year after year you still had not gone away.832

You just kept getting worse and more sinister in your touch,833

But I was dying and hating life so much.834

Each time you finished your dirty crime,835

I would fade into another time,836

And forget about what happened a moment ago,837

For I could not let my emotions show.838

Then the rest of the day the secret was hidden.839

Not a single word for speaking was forbidden,840

And you would act as if life were normal and everything was fine,841

Whereas I stayed distant, in another time.842

Feelings.843

So many times after you would go,844

I would sit in shock, not letting any emotions show.845

But it then turned to dissociation and became a huge part of my day,846

And even now I do it, to make my pain go away.847

I fade into a daze, there is nothing I feel,848

And everything around me becomes surreal.849

Leaving me vulnerable, numb and confused,850

Leaving me open to being abused.851

But as I am telling my story, I am starting to feel my pain.852

I am opening up my past and seeing I am not to blame.853

And as I facing what he did to me,854

The more my emotions are starting to run free.855

Why Abuse Me?856

Why was I subjected to such disturbing acts?857

Why did no one see and teach me the facts?858

For it was a hidden secret and I was left all alone in fear,859

With abuse lingering through my life, year after year.860

Chained.861

What was it you had to gain?862

A sick thrill for you, or my lifetime of pain?863

Did you ever stop and see,864

All the damage you were inflicting on me.865

Too young a child to be so scarred,866

Given a life of torture, a young life so marred.867

Hidden away, all alone,868

With no love or protection ever shown.869

Chained in a fear too strong.870

I cannot break free, yet I see it is wrong.871

Too wrong a secret to unfold,872

For it is a secret never to be told.873

A secret so wrong, never to be spoken,874

Warned, threatened, a chain never broken.875

But one day I begged, please take him away,876

But by then it was too late, for he was here to stay.877

This secret so deadly, so disturbing and wrong.878

So much hurt, so much pain, it went on too long.879

It lingered on day after day,880

Not wanting anymore, wishing you would go away.881

Why?882

Why was I subjected to such disturbing acts?883

Why did no one see, teach me the facts?884

Such a hidden secret, left all alone in fear,885

Lingering through my life, year after year.886

No one to help me. No one to change,887

This secret so deadly, so hurt, so shamed.888

No one to hold my hand in the night,889

As he came in to hurt me, wake me with a fright.890

This abuse, this torture, so cruel a crime.891

I prayed and begged it would ease off in time.892

But as the years past by and my mind became stuck,893

My body you stole and innocence you took.894

My life now a shadow that lingers through,895

The pain and misery, the hatred of you.896

I am forever darkened by your evil mind,897

With not a glimmer of light to ever find.898

Not to Blame.899

It is no good me questioning why?900

For it is like me asking, why do people die?901

There is no answer to what evil people do,902

So it is no good me asking you.903

All I know is I am not to blame.904

It was all your sick, perverted game,905

That I could not stop, or could not fight,906

For I did not know as a child what was wrong or right.907

But I can punish you for what you did to me.908

Lock you up, never to be free.909

So that day after day you re-live your crime,910

For locked behind bars you will have the time.911

I Remember.912

You must have been a teenager when you first touched me.913

But I was a child, I could not see,914

That what you were doing was not right.915

Yet you knew I was too young to fight.916

When I was a teenager, you became a man.917

I should have packed my bags and ran,918

For your abuse got so twisted, but I still did not understand,919

I just always fell to your demand.920

I became a woman, now you have no control,921

For I remember everything you stole.922

And now I am the one in control,923

And now I know you are the one, with poison in your soul.924

Only a Child.925

I was only a child, could you not see?926

Did you know that it was wrong to do that to me?927

It was wrong to touch me in that way,928

And it was wrong to carry it on day after day.929

It was wrong that you manipulated me, I did not understand.930

I did not think about what you were doing, I just feel to your command.931

It was wrong that a secret it had to be,932

For it ruined my life and is haunting me.933

It is wrong that you made me feel this shame.934

It is wrong that I was the one that went insane.935

It is wrong that you are still alive,936

But it is right that I did survive.937

Damaged.938

You scarred my body with intention,939

Of exposing this secret too sick to mention.940

A life of destruction you laid in my hand,941

I had no choice, you had my life planned.942

To shamed my words to ever tell.943

I was trapped alone under the devils spell,944

Praying to God to hear my voice,945

Begging please, just give me a choice.946

But a prisoner was I to a secret so twisted.947

I wish I never was, I wish I never existed.948

For I am now too damaged and scarred by your touch,949

This is pain is too cruel, it is just too much.950

Stolen.951

So innocent I was, so pure, so small.952

How could one person take it all?953

Through his sick desires and evil mind,954

When there was nothing left for him to find.955

For he had taken everything from my shell,956

Leaving me dirty and knowing so well,957

That he wanted more, he wanted my soul,958

For he watched me fall broken, never to be whole.959

For if I grew a mind of my own,960

This secret so deadly would be shown,961

To anyone who turned their face,962

To listen to my pain and take me from this place.963

Growing Up.964

I was just a child when you touched my shell,965

Manipulated my mind, controlled me in your spell.966

To make me believe that what you did was right.967

To leave me in pain, darkened from the light.968

I grew into a teenager, but you just got worse.969

I knew then it was the devils curse.970

For why else would you rape me, cause me so much shame?971

Why else would you play your sick twisted game?972

I grew into an adult, I was so painfully sad.973

I believed that I was evil, that I was bad.974

But now I know I am not to blame,975

I can start to release myself from my shame.976

I Hate Him.977

I hate him for what he has done to me, for I can never seem to heal,978

For as soon as a memory attacks me, it feels once again real.979

Like I ma reliving it as if I were small again,980

Yet somehow its worse for I am actually feeling the pain.981

For when it was originally happening I was always in my head.982

My mind was always racing but my body seemed dead.983

But now I feel in the moment, pains aching me inside,984

As I relieve my memories all the time wanting to escape and hide.985

Look what you have done to me, you have killed me inside out.986

You have tortured me with screams of pain I can never shout.987

You have ruined my body with scars that cannot heal,988

And you have destroyed my mind to make you forever real.989

Disturbing.990

My whole life I have been fading away,991

Hoping that there could be some way,992

To make myself better, to heal from my past,993

And move on, be free at last.994

I have been through the most disturbing years,995

And it has deadened my soul and now I only have fears,996

Fears for my health, my body and mind.997

Fears that answers I will never find.998

It does not seem fair, it is not right,999

That my whole life has been a fight,1000

To make myself better from a crime forced upon me,1001

For I am an innocent one. I should be free.1002

Silence.1003

Silence of my secrets, deep in my soul.1004

Silence of the voice that he stole.1005

Silence of my pain I had I hide,1006

Silence of my thoughts as I cried.1007

Silence of my issues he made for me.1008

Silence of my wish, that one day I would see,1009

A life without him controlling my shell.1010

But alone I am in silence, trapped under the devils spell.1011

But then I spoke the words I thought I never would.1012

I spoke the words for I knew that I should.1013

Words of a secret so hidden away.1014

Words so desperate, I had to say.1015

Words of a secret so deadly, I nearly died.1016

A secret so painful, everyday I cried.1017

For it is a secret no one should ever feel.1018

It is a secret for me that is shockingly real.1019

Abandoned.1020

When my words were finally spoken,1021

The twisted secret left so many broken.1022

I was abandoned, rejected from a family so shamed,1023

Begging for this person never to be named.1024

Shamed by the secrets they had hidden,1025

They told me to stay silent, again my words were forbidden.1026

For they feared for themselves that I would tell,1027

The disturbing secret they knew so well.1028

So all alone I wait for protection,1029

But it will never come, for they paid no attention,1030

To my life of hurt, my life of pain.1031

So as they abandon me, I have to do the same.1032