Chapter 11 Why?

Why?1

Why?2

Ruined lives from violence, I see.3

Abuse in children, when will it be,4

A safe place to live, free from pain?5

Can you not see God, everyone is screaming your name.6

Why Me?7

Why me? It is not fair,8

For there is no one in this life that I would give to bare,9

Such a disturbing secret, that causes too much shame to speak,10

So forever they may have that secret to keep.11

I would never put that on anyone,12

Not even the devil who fucked me up so long.13

For it is a crime, a sin, an evil curse.14

I cannot think of anything right now, that could be worse.15

For it does not only cause pain to the shell,16

It is the manipulation and control that keeps you in a spell,17

And makes you feel that you are to blame,18

For suffering this intense fear and shame.19

So why me? Why did you do it to me?20

I am trapped in shame, never to be free,21

For not only have you stolen so much of my time,22

I am still struggling with the effects of your crime.23

Questioning Why?24

I am questioning why I was put here,25

If all I have to offer is sadness and fear.26

Why would I be put on the earth to suffer abuse?27

Why am I here? What is my use?28

What sort of God would do that to me?29

Give me a purpose, but then never let me be free,30

From memories, from torture, from suffering and pain,31

And then leave me all alone, hiding in shame.32

God you seem as evil as the devil I know,33

And there is nothing that will make you show,34

That you are here for me, or that you care,35

For if you were real, you would have never given me this life to bare.36

God?37

God, are you there? Why did you go away?38

Why did you never stay?39

Why did you not stop what was happening to me?40

Why did you never see?41

Were you too busy, or was the devil too strong to fight?42

Did you run scared instead of showing you might?43

For I was taught that you were the most powerful of all,44

So why did you not see that I was too small?45

I was too young in mind, too weak in frame,46

To ever take that kind of pain.47

But if you are as powerful as what people say,48

Why did you not make the devil go away?49

Why did you not show your awesome light?50

You didn’t even give me the strength to fight.51

Why are you now a story I find hard to believe?52

Why do I feel that there is no comfort I can receive.53

Life.54

Sometimes reality feels such a struggle,55

I often hide so shadowed, inside my bubble.56

For we live by rules that are supposed to make us good,57

But not many are doing what they should.58

Some turn too evil and spread pain around.59

Some are lost, some will never be found.60

Some are violent and driven by hate.61

Some are victims that are used as bait.62

Some scream words to make others cry,63

Some live in torture, just waiting to die.64

Some live their lives in a constant routine,65

Some are so angry and so terribly mean.66

Some drive on power, trying to get more.67

Some live in silence never opening that door.68

Some hide away living in fear.69

Some have cried away there last tear.70

Some see this world through the eyes of despair.71

Some are too broken to even repair.72

Some have darkened the light in there soul,73

Some have hurt too much, to ever be whole.74

Some see only bad through their pained eyes,75

Some walk around, as if in disguise.76

Some are like robots with no emotion to give,77

Some just cannot see a reason to live.78

I wonder why, I see the world this way.79

I wonder if, this is where I should stay.80

I wonder how I can make me see,81

That this world could one day, be happy and free.82

Searching.83

Where were you as I landed so small,84

Into my mothers arms, ready to take it all.85

All of life’s twists I would learn,86

And then to your feet God, I would turn.87

But what went wrong in your plans,88

To send me into the devils hands.89

Giving me a life of torture and pain,90

Leaving me alone, going insane.91

You left me God, as I went down,92

Left me all alone, only showing a frown.93

How could you leave me at a time like that?94

You left me so afraid, all alone I sat.95

I carried on day after day,96

Not really knowing my path or my way.97

Lost and lonely I wandered through,98

Searching, praying that you were true.99

True as all the stories said.100

Wanting to believe in my heart and my hand,101

That you could take all my pain away,102

Warm my soul and forever stay.103

Look.104

This world I live in, I do not want to see,105

All this pain, agony, violence and misery.106

But when will it end, when there is so much hate,107

For anger rules souls, the weak are there bait.108

Ruined lives from violence I see.109

Abuse in children, when will it be,110

A safe place to live, free from pain?111

Can you not see God, everyone’s screaming your name.112

Screaming your name to make you see,113

This world is in torture, let us be free,114

From vicious souls and evils touch,115

Upon this world, we have all had too much.116

God.117

I am shocked by this world God created.118

How can I believe in you, when it’s all so tainted.119

How can I see that there is more than pain,120

When wherever I look, I see the same.121

Misery, anger, hurt and shame,122

Chaining the afraid, locking them in pain.123

Secrets so deep, keeping them sad,124

Knowing and seeing only bad.125

If you do exist, then show your face,126

Take away the sadness that taints this place.127

Speak the words so long never spoken,128

As your tears fall heavy on this world so broken.129

Just a sign God is all I ask.130

Just a whisper of truth, even if it is your last.131

Give me a hope, so long over due.132

Can you not see, if you are real God, I need you.133

Life.134

I am fighting against you day after day.135

But why am I fighting? Have I got something to say?136

I don’t know who I am, I don’t know my dreams.137

I do not know what I am fighting for. I do not know what all this means.138

What is it I want to do?139

Is my life about getting over you?140

Or will I realise my purpose one day.141

Will I learn how to live when this pain goes away?142

I hope one day that I will be free.143

That I do not have to be in pain, I can really be me.144

I can find the reason why my life is this way.145

I can live for the future, not day by day.146