Chapter 5 Anger

Anger.1

Anger.2

Anger grips me, it holds on tight.3

It gives me the focus to win my fight.4

But my battle is always against my being,5

As red hot blood becomes all I am seeing.6

I Am Angry.7

I get so angry, it burns me deep inside,8

And I scream out my pain and then just want to hide.9

But why am I this way? Why do I carry so much pain?10

Why do I feel that I have gone insane.11

It is because I was abused and that hurts me so deep.12

It is because this secret so many years I had to keep.13

It is because I turned to addictions to get me through.14

It is because I know that evil exists in you.15

It is because I was too small to ever fight.16

It is because I didn’t know it was wrong, I just thought it was right.17

It is because I was manipulated and controlled.18

It is because as a child, I never told.19

It is because I never questioned why.20

It is because I became too weak that I wanted to die.21

It is because what you did to me still lives on.22

And it is because I can’t see a day that you will be gone.23

Anger.24

My anger is too raw and my pain too deep,25

So I had to release it, I could no longer keep,26

This burning rage and vicious pain.27

For my mind was dying, I was going insane.28

But as addictions and poison swept through my veins,29

They took away all my pains.30

But then as reality focused and my mind became straight,31

I began to remember, I burned with hate.32

So back again into my little world,33

Pained by secrets I never told.34

Alone in my misery, greeting despair,35

I had no hope, I did not want to repair.36

Thunder.37

Alone I sit, thunder piercing the sky,38

I feel it’s anger and straight away I know why.39

It is because the thunder is out of control,40

Just like the anger that is trapped in my soul.41

Trapped so vicious by his evil touch.42

Only one will it get too much.43

As I cannot take anymore,44

Anyone who crosses me will know the score.45

I cannot control this vicious disease,46

Of hate and anger, only in release will it ease.47

For it is only part of me because of him,48

But I will never see myself doing a sin.49

For anger is not a natural part of me.50

It was inflicted by him, it was not meant to be.51

For calm I was, a happy soul,52

Until he invaded me and took control.53

Control of my body, my soul and my mind.54

He manipulated and took anything he could find.55

For evil took me in his hands,56

And that is how he hurt me and got his demands.57

People.58

I am so pissed off with people today.59

I want everyone to fuck off so I can hide away.60

But because I cant get any time alone,61

My vicious, angry bitch inside is shown.62

People just don’t listen, they just have their selfish way,63

Never understanding or hearing what I have to say.64

And then they make me feel that I am in the wrong,65

And I just have to wait in anger for my guilt to be gone.66

It is such a curse, the anger and guilt I feel,67

For it never seems to go away, it stays so real.68

Leaving me feeling that I am still so bad inside,69

And making me wish that forever I could hide.70

Raw.71

My anger cuts like the slice of a knife,72

And it viciously takes every part of my life.73

I cannot hold on, I am about to explode,74

And the whole world is about to be told.75

Told of my pain deep down in my soul.76

Wanting back everything that he stole.77

But it is too late, he took too much.78

All I have left is his dirty touch.79

So yes, I have an anger so raw,80

For I am bitter, in pain and so much more.81

But as I explode, watch and see,82

I would never hurt anyone else but me.83

Rage.84

I am fucking angry, I feel so mad.85

I am fucking hurting, I am really sad.86

I hate that I feel this bad inside.87

I loathe that I have to run and hide.88

Run and hide to tame my rage.89

Hating that I look like a drama queen on a stage.90

But I am not a child having a big stress,91

I am a screwed up adult in a pained distress.92

So I drink myself into an angry state.93

Exploding emotions so vicious, filling the world with hate.94

But nothing can control this monster in me.95

For it should not be here, it just should not be.96

Why?97

Angry? Yes I fucking am.98

I am so angry that there is such a man,99

Who fucked up my life when I was too small,100

To cope with such a torture, then left me to handle such a fall.101

Why?102

Why am I angry? Well let me see.103

I am angry because evil sexually abused me.104

He raped me and damaged me in every way.105

I was just a child, what could I say?106

He made me swear never to tell.107

He paid me with money to trap me under his spell.108

He has always controlled every part of my life,109

So much so that I nearly ended my life with a knife.110

So angry? Yes, I fucking am.111

I am angry that there is such a man.112

Who fucked up my life when I was too small,113

To cope with such a torture, then left to handle such a fall.114

Bitter.115

Why the fuck did it have to be,116

Me you abused? Why the fuck me?117

Why was I the one you tortured and pained?118

Why was it me, you made so afraid?119

I am angry and bitter, by what you did to me.120

I am repulsed by the way you made me see,121

My body so broken, my soul so dark.122

You left so much badness, you left me your dirty mark.123

Why not kill me and let me be free?124

Instead of keeping me broken, hating me.125

You left me so tortured, in so much pain.126

As a child I should have taken that knife to my vein.127

Anger and 128

Self Harm.129

My anger is another scar on my shell,130

Telling of the hidden secrets that I have kept so well.131

For the scar is a symbol of my pain,132

If I had not created it, I would have gone insane.133

Fight.134

My anger is another scar on my shell.135

Telling of hidden secrets that I have kept so well.136

For the scar is a symbol of my pain,137

If I had not created it, I would have gone insane.138

For as the anger grips me, it holds on tight.139

It gives me the focus to win my fight.140

But my battle is always against my own being,141

As red hot blood becomes all I am seeing.142

I loose all control, I loose all sight,143

I cannot hold on to win my fight.144

So I slash and cut my anger so raw,145

For another memory of him, was all that I saw.146

Hide.147

A darkness so black, an anger so raw.148

A rage so violent, red was all I saw.149

As I smashed broken memories upon my skin,150

Desperately trying to wash me clean of his sin.151

I cannot hold on, I am going away,152

Into my head, forever to stay.153

For the world is not ready for the pain I keep inside,154

I ma not ready. So a darkened room I should stay.155

Releasing Anger.156

I want to get better, so I am going to try,157

To beat my problem with anger and maybe one day cry.158

For maybe one day I will be free,159

To release all my pain that is trapped inside of me. 160

Unlocked.161

To unlock my soul brings intense pain,162

For so long it has been darkened, weighed heavy with shame.163

But now I can see, I lifted the hurt.164

Now I can see, I am not stained with dirt.165

But how do I find what is deep in my heart?166

How do I believe that my life can truly start?167

When I have an anger that plays such a massive role,168

For the secrets that are kept so chained in my soul.169

I have to accept my past, let my anger go,170

Only then can I start to grow.171

For it is my life now and I do not need to be,172

So angry at you, for it is time for me to go free.173

Anger.174

I have realised the biggest problem of all.175

It is my problem with anger and how it makes me fall.176

It is part of my identity, it has a character of its own,177

And when it is released, a monster is shown.178

She has her own image, she controls my way.179

She is aggressive and strong and always has something to say.180

Yet that is not me, I am a happy soul.181

But people hate me when she takes control.182

Now I know she is a big part of my day,183

I want to let go, for she is tainting my way.184

She has become too real, she is too strong,185

And for me to shine through, she needs to be gone.186

Breaking Down.187

I need to cry for my childhood stained in darkness.188

Cry for my adulthood shadowed with sadness.189

Cry for all the things you made me do.190

Cry for my life so tainted by you.191

Feeling Pain.192

Anger is the emotion that drives me to fight.193

To stand up strong and show the world my might.194

But one day soon I will have to let my anger go,195

For one day soon all my tears I will have to show.196

For until I have felt my pain and cried it all away,197

I cannot move forward for inside me the secrets stay.198

And it is anger that keeps them locked within,199

Reminding me that I am still haunted by his sin.200

But how do I release the secrets I fear,201

When they are too screwed up to just cry a tear.202

And my anger will dictate what I should do,203

When I am constantly remembering you.204

Let Go?205

I am not ready to let my anger go,206

For I know as I break down, tears I will show.207

Tears of a pain that disturbs me so deep,208

Of all the memories I have to keep.209

This sadness I hold is beyond my control,210

But I have to grieve for everything that he stole.211

But I am not ready to feel that pain.212

And I am not ready to face my shame.213

But the day will come when I release my guard,214

And feel the pain, that right now seems too hard.215

And when the day comes I will treasure that time,216

When I am so much closer to getting over his crime.217

Why Fear?218

I do not know why it’s so hard for me to cry a tear.219

What is so bad that I have to fear?220

Is it the loss of my control?221

Or is the pain that has been destroying my soul?222

Am I scared of looking small?223

Am I worried that the pain will make me fall?224

Am I afraid of how much pain I will feel?225

Am I frightened of making my past more real?226

Am I still in denial about what happened to me?227

Am I still blaming myself for all this misery?228

Am I strong enough to cope?229

Or am I likely to lose all hope?230

Cry.231

Listen to yourself, can’t you hear what you say?232

When your monster takes over, she destroys everything in her way.233

Look at yourself, can’t you see through your eyes?234

Breakdown and cry, rid of your disguise.235

Look at your scars tattooed on your arm,236

She did this, just to get calm.237

Look at your friends, can’t you see their fears,238

They are watching you, screaming angry tears.239

You are not this person, don’t let her have a say.240

Stop her before anger taints your way.241

For if you control your control, she will disappear,242

And maybe you can curl up and cry a hurting tear.243

Grieve.244

I need to cry, I need to let it all out,245

For at the moment I seem to scream and shout.246

Shout out an anger, built up over the years,247

When all I need to do is cry away all my tears.248

Cry for my childhood stained with darkness.249

Cry for my adulthood shadowed with sadness.250

Cry for all the things you made me do.251

Cry for my life tainted by you.252

Until I do this, my anger will stay,253

Haunting my soul day after day.254

But I am suffering such intense pain,255

And I cannot hold on, I need to release your stain.256

Angry Tears.257

People seem upset everywhere I go.258

A sadness inside and the tears begin to flow.259

So if they can cry, why can’t I?260

A sadness in me means an angry scream and a question why.261

Why so angry? It doesn’t seem right.262

Why am I always so quick to fight?263

Why can’t I think, or let things go?264

Why is it a scream of anger I show?265

It is a destructive emotion that hides my pain.266

And buries so deep that it sends me insane.267

But if I were to cry, let my tears run free,268

Would I break the anger that lays so thick inside of me?269

Over Sensitive.270

It takes one word to send me insane.271

It could anything and instantly I feel pain.272

I know I’m over sensitive, but this is unreal.273

Any word whispered and it is anger I feel.274

I hate that my anger judges so fast.275

I hate that for days this emotion will last.276

I need to learn how to let go.277

I need to relax and let my tears show.278

But this is not easy when I am hurting inside.279

When I have so much anger that has to hide.280

And when the barriers are too thick to break through.281

Will someone help me, I don’t know what to do.282

Crying.283

Replace the anger with a tear,284

For it is not scary, I don’t have to fear.285

I will not be vulnerable to attack,286

If I break the barriers that hold me back.287

Take a breath, walk away.288

If I don’t feel safe, I do not have to stay.289

Now sit and cry just for a while.290

I don’t always have to wear a fake smile. 291

It is ok to be sad.292

It is not wrong, I am not doing bad.293

For crying is natural, an emotion we all hold.294

But don’t hold back, let your pain be told.295

Release.296

My anger can be used in amore positive way,297

For I can open it up and make it go away.298

For it protects my pain, it keeps me asking why,299

I get so angry when I just need to cry.300

Cry away the pain of you.301

Cry away what you made me do.302

Cry away everything that you stole.303

Cry away the power of your control.304

So release all the tears, let them fall from my face,305

For it is now time that I belong in this place.306

Standing tall, not fearing to live,307

And showing the world how much I have to give.308

Understanding.309

I want to get better, so I am going to try,310

To beat my problem with anger and maybe one day cry.311

For maybe one day I will be free,312

To release all my pain that is trapped inside of me.313

Challenge.314

My anger arrives when I’m depressed of sad.315

It manipulates my thinking and makes me do bad.316

It tells me I will feel better if I have a drink.317

It tells me to loose control and don’t stop to think.318

It keeps boiling over until I explode.319

And it will not stop until the world has been told,320

That I am hurting, I am in pain.321

But it only makes me look like I have gone insane.322

So now I know how it manipulates my head.323

I can stop it before it gets me, I can do something else instead.324

But it may take some time to stop how I feel.325

But this challenge before me will help me feel real.326

I want to get better, so I am going to try.327

To beat my problem with anger and maybe one day cry.328

For maybe one day I will set myself free,329

To release all the pain that is trapped deep inside of me.330

Too Much.331

I still have too much anger to accept what you did to me,332

For as your creep into my thoughts, rage becomes all I can see.333

This needs to be broken down and cried away,334

For if I hold on to all this anger, you will always stay.335

But how do I break the barriers that stop me feeling pain?336

How do I stop the rage when I feel unbearable shame?337

How do I stop the impulses to make me want to drink?338

How do I just sit calmly and think?339

How do I talk my thoughts that cause chaos in my mind,340

When I know that there is only pain and hurt to find.341

How do I see that it will all go away,342

If I just sit down and talk, if I just speak the words I need to say.343

Fighting Spirit.344

Anger is a barrier that I placed around my soul.345

It is my fighting spirit, my way of staying in control.346

It pushes me forward, it gives me a confidence inside,347

That keeps me strong, that keeps me from wanting to hide.348

Anger is part of my identity, it is how I live,349

It is how I am determined to give what I need to give.350

It is a strength that forms from deep within.351

It is my way of getting over his sin.352

Anger is the emotion that seems to rule,353

But anger is the backbone of many a survival tool,354

From the tattoos on my arm driven with rage,355

To my words written down upon this page.356

Anger is Strong.357

Anger is my image, the character I show.358

Anger is the backbone to making you go.359

Anger is the determination that makes me want to fight.360

Anger is me knowing wrong from right.361

Anger is important for me to survive,362

For anger is the one emotion that will keep me alive.363

Anger will always make me carry on,364

And push for the day that you will be gone.365

Anger will fight you in every way,366

For anger will not allow you to stay.367

Anger knows that what you did was wrong,368

And anger is strong enough to make you gone.369

Hidden.370

Anger is a protection to hide how I feel,371

But maybe the character of anger has become too real.372

For there is another person trapped inside.373

A little girl that wants to hide.374

She hides away for she feels too much pain.375

She hides away because she is destroyed with shame.376

She only comes out when it is safe to show,377

Her loving, caring side and make the barriers go.378

But she hides so deep it’s hard for her to see,379

That sometimes it is safe for her to be free.380

She is the little inner child that was hurt so bad,381

By the evil man that made her feel sad.382

Me?383

Anger is a barrier that maybe I have to accept,384

For it is part of my identity, it is an emotion I have kept.385

It is an image of protection for my soul.386

It is a fighting strength that keeps me in control.387

It has built a character of confidence, that I like to show.388

It keeps me living and fighting for him to go.389

It feels so comfortable to be this way,390

For this character will release all I have to say.391

It protects the deepest of every pain.392

It protects the little girl in me that hides in shame.393

It is a barrier of me that cannot be broken.394

It is the secrets in me that will never be spoken.395

It is the strength I hold deep inside of me.396

It is the motivation to keep working to be free.397

It is the balance between my emotional distress.398

It is here because of secrets I had to repress.399

Fight.400

I have spoken of my pain, I have cried so many tears.401

I have hidden in fear for too many years.402

I have been hurting inside, so deeply in pain,403

But now I have a hope to take away your evil stain.404

My anger is intense, but I can use it for good.405

I can turn it around and use it as I should.406

To fight for my life, to fight to be free,407

From the chains you put so tightly around me.408