Chapter 4 Alcohol Abuse

Alcohol.1

The Beginning.2

Alcohol became my friend I long time ago,3

For a confident person I to show.4

And I really enjoyed it, my self esteem rose high,5

But it was not long after, that I began to question why.6

My Friend.7

Alcohol became my friend a long time a go,8

For a confident person I had to show.9

And I really enjoyed it, my self esteem rose high,10

But it was not long after that I began to question why.11

Why I seemed so fucked up compared to the rest.12

Why I was never good enough, when I had tried my best.13

Why I began to hate myself deep inside,14

Why I felt so isolated, why I wanted to hide.15

Why I felt so thick and so very small.16

Why everytime I felt happy, so heavy I would fall.17

Why I lost all hope from my eyes,18

And why I had put on such a strange disguise.19

I felt all alone, I began to feel sad.20

I thought I would be ok, but I was slowly going mad.21

For all my issues had taken over my head,22

And made me start thinking that I was better off dead.23

Alcohol had now become my best friend,24

For the pain and chaos would all end.25

And along with my bulimia and self harm,26

All my addictions would make me feel calm.27

But I began to lose all control,28

For something was disturbing me deep in my soul.29

And I realised I had something I needed to say,30

But I didn’t know what it was, so I just hid away.31

Then a breakdown, a meltdown, I do not know,32

Everything in my life just seemed to go.33

I dropped out of uni, I lost my home,34

I was made redundant, how could I have known.35

That so much would go on in one week,36

Leaving me fallen and so very weak.37

I had lost my whole life, I had nothing to fight,38

So I hid away drinking every night.39

But then I slowly began to scream out a pain.40

That made me so angry, then curl up in shame.41

Then I slowly realised why I was this way,42

And I knew that my secrets I now had to say.43

I had so many words I had to speak,44

And so much pain I could no longer keep.45

I had to scream out my angry tears,46

I had to tell someone of my younger years.47

Alcohol was the one thing that gave me a voice,48

But I had no control in what I said, I didn’t have a choice,49

For my anger would speak instead of me.50

But this was something good, for it set my free.51

For being sober, I would repress my pain.52

But drinking the poison would take away my shame,53

So I could release the secrets so heavy inside,54

So that behind them I no longer had to hide.55

I was sexually abused from when I was small,56

And I realised all along I was one day going to fall,57

For I could not run away anymore,58

I could no longer keep trying to hold shut that door.59

I had to face life and my past.60

I had to feel the pain all in one blast,61

For my whole life had fallen apart,62

But my whole life I could build back up as if from the start.63

The Anger Within.64

Tears burn my angry eyes,65

As I turn into my vicious disguise,66

Of a monster so angry, so hurt and in pain.67

This monster is pissed and has no shame.68

Vodka.69

Alcohol is now becoming a poison I fear,70

For I have used it so viciously year after year.71

To repress my past, to let my anger go,72

But now I have to stop it, I have to tell myself, no.73

No to vodka, for it makes me insane.74

No to alcohol, for it leaves me in so much pain.75

No to the poison that has wrecked my soul.76

No to the addiction that is taking control.77

For I hate who I become. It is not me.78

It is a girl chained so deep, in anger and misery.79

She screams and shouts, she hates everyone.80

But now is the time for her to be gone.81

Monster.82

Alcohol is a poison to me,83

For I turn into a monster, I do not want to be.84

For anger violently attacks my being,85

As shocking blood red becomes all I am seeing.86

I shout, I scream, I cannot control,87

This monster inside of me, a character playing a role.88

For it is not me screaming in pain,89

And it is not me acting insane.90

For angry I get as the poison falls.91

What will I do next? No one knows.92

For the pressure builds, I am about to explode,93

And I cannot stop, until the whole world has been told.94

Pissed.95

Tears burn my angry eyes,96

As I turn into my vicious disguise,97

Of a monster so angry, so hurt and in pain.98

This monster is pissed and has no shame.99

Words scream across her tongue,100

Filled with memories of evil hurting her so young.101

She cannot stop, there is no end,102

To the pain she suffered, she cannot seem to mend.103

She comes to me time after time,104

Screaming so painfully, he committed a crime.105

She cannot let go, she will always see,106

The memories of abuse forced upon me.107

Control.108

I drink myself into an angry state,109

Exploding emotions so vicious, filling the air with hate.110

But nothing can control this monster in me,111

For it should not be here, it just should not be.112

For this monster is not mine to keep.113

It would not be here if I could speak,114

Speak of the secrets that damaged my soul,115

Scream out the anger of the life that he stole.116

Drunk.117

I am made to feel bad for the character I have inside,118

But people do not realise that beneath them I hide.119

For I do not know which one I me,120

And I cannot break the characters, they will not let me be.121

I have an angry, powerful person, in pain.122

She flips and she screams, then she goes insane.123

Yet she tries to sort out everyone else’s life,124

Then goes home and cuts her skin with a knife.125

She always seems to get everything wrong,126

And she has been hurting for far too long.127

But others do not realise, she cannot take this pain,128

For each time she hurts, she is going to go insane.129

Realise.130

I drink to try and rid of my pain, 131

Yet somehow, I turn insane.132

I scream and shout, I hurt anyone in my way.133

I believe somehow that everyone should pay.134

They should pay for my life, pay for my shame.135

Pay for my tortured childhood and my years locked in pain.136

But I need to realise that they are not to blame.137

I need to control myself before I slash out his name.138

I need to understand that not everyone is bad.139

Not everyone will hurt me or make me feel sad.140

I need to stop my anger, before I do a sin,141

I need to realise I am not angry at them, I am angry at him.142

Sadness Within.143

I drink away my sorrow and shame,144

Falling so deep into my pit of pain.145

And I cry angry tears, I am out of control,146

As the thick black darkness surrounds my soul.147

Poison.148

Alcohol seemed so easy to use,149

To take away all your abuse.150

But as my nights blended into one,151

My grasp on reality was completely gone.152

Angry and hurt I drank away my sorrow,153

Not really knowing if there would be a tomorrow.154

I did not care for my pain was too deep.155

All I wished for was to sleep.156

Night after night it would be the same,157

Bottle after bottle, numbing my pain.158

But what I did not see was I was fading away,159

Into an addiction so harmful, leading me astray.160

The vodka would show me I did have tears,161

That I should have cried for all my younger years.162

But then anger got the better of me,163

As I turned into the monster I did not want to be.164

I had no control of my emotions so raw,165

For anger and sadness were all I saw.166

But as the drink took over each and every day,167

I had to be alone, I had to hide away.168

Isolated and lonely, I cried all alone.169

Locked behind four walls, no friendship was shown,170

For I had gone too far, I had sunk to deep.171

I was plagued by the secrets that so long I had to keep.172

Sadness.173

I drink away my sorrow and shame,174

And fall so deep into my pit of pain.175

I cry angry tears, I am out of control,176

As the thick black darkness surrounds my soul.177

My body feels weak, aching with pain.178

My thoughts become focused, yet somehow insane.179

But I believe my sorrow will melt away,180

As I down my bottle and the memories won’t stay.181

This sadness hurts, it keeps me stuck.182

Stuck in memories of the life he took.183

I cannot carry these feelings I hold,184

I have to scream the secrets that I should have told.185

Insane.186

Despair gripped me so painfully tight,187

I could not hold on, I was losing my fight.188

For he had taken everything in me,189

And I knew then that I would never be free.190

For alcohol stopped taking my pain,191

Instead it just sent me more insane.192

I would shout and scream an anger so raw,193

And I would take it out on anyone I saw.194

Cutting my skin would no longer bring me relief,195

For this pain I carried was beyond belief.196

So shadowed in darkness, hidden away,197

This pain I carried was here to stay.198

Trapped.199

There are so many tears hurting inside.200

Tears that as a child I should have cried.201

But I held them in until it was time,202

To handle my pain and his evil crime.203

But holding them in sent me insane,204

As I turned to alcohol to numb my pain.205

Then anger took over and I began to speak,206

Of all the repressed memories that so long I had to keep.207

Then my drinking got out of control,208

As all my anger took hold of my soul,209

And down I fell into an addiction so cruel,210

Believing that alcohol was my survival tool.211

Numbing The Pain.212

Alone I am sat, once again,213

Drowning my sorrow in a bottle, numbing my pain.214

I wonder why I always end up this way?215

I wonder why I do this day after day?216

Drowning.217

Alone I am sat, once again,218

Drowning my sorrows in a bottle, numbing my pain.219

I wonder why I always end up this way?220

I wonder why I do this day after day.221

What is wrong with me? I feel almost dead.222

What is it that is going on in my head?223

Why is it telling me I need a drink?224

Why can’t I just stop and think?225

Think about the damage I am doing within.226

Think about why I am being punished with this sin.227

For what have I done to have an addiction so cruel?228

Why has this become my survival tool?229

Reality.230

I am in the pub once again,231

For the reality of my day has driven me insane.232

And I have lost control, I have too much chaos in my head,233

And another few pints, I will wish I was dead. 234

For control, manipulation, so many traps in my way.235

I do not belong here, I should not live this day.236

For I cannot handle them, they are too hard for me,237

And I cannot see a day when I will be free.238

A fight it is, all of my day,239

To survive all this crap that I wish would go away.240

For if I am in my thoughts, I lose all hope,241

And if I am in reality, I cannot seem to cope.242

Lost Control.243

Alcohol seemed so easy to use,244

To take away all your abuse.245

But as my nights blended into one,246

My grasp on reality was completely gone.247

Routine.248

I had a routine every night,249

Eating, drinking, cutting, all losing me my fight.250

All destructive in their own ways,251

And all numbing my pain, or sending me into a daze.252

This was every night for so long.253

But I could not stop even though I knew it seemed wrong.254

But it was all I had to get me through my day.255

And I could not cope in any other way.256

For being sober there were no words to speak,257

And all the pain I held inside I was warned I had to keep.258

So numbing my hurt took away,259

All the words I could not say.260

Fucked up.261

I woke up in hospital, yet another night.262

I had got wasted and wanted to end my fight.263

For I had drunk too much, I had lost my way.264

I could not face another day.265

I had collapsed, stopped breathing, almost died,266

What the fuck was I thinking, what was going on inside?267

But did I want to die? Did I even care?268

Or had everything got too much for me to bare?269

How much had I drank? I do not know.270

I did not give a fuck, I just wanted to go.271

Somewhere that pain does not exist.272

Somewhere that I was not tempted to cut my wrist.273

Trouble.274

A warning from the police yet again.275

Another screaming match and me going insane.276

Yelling an anger, ranting a rage,277

That would one day land me locked in a police cage.278

I have no idea what I have said,279

And I didn’t even care for I believe in the morning I will be dead,280

For living another day is too much to cope.281

I have lost my life, I have lost all hope.282

So tonight I do not care what damage I do,283

For my life is over and it’s all because of you,284

For you fucked up my life when I was so small,285

And left me unable to cope with a fall.286

Drunken Voice.287

I can never seem to control my voice,288

When I have a drink, for it seems to take away my choice.289

Giving me words I am normally too controlled to speak,290

Letting out secrets that so long I have had to keep.291

I can laugh and smile, then change so fast.292

Screaming out pain of my disturbing past.293

Being angry and aggressive as I say,294

That an evil soul took my childhood away.295

I do not know why drink controls me this way,296

But I am glad it happened, for it was the only way I would say,297

That I was hurting so deep within.298

That I was screaming in pain because of someone’s evil sin.299

Addictive.300

Alcohol is an addiction that ruined me for a while.301

It took my life and took away my smile.302

It ruined so many friendships, it distorted my mind.303

But alcohol was the only comfort I could find.304

It got me through the memories too fucked up to say.305

It gave me the purpose to live my day.306

It switched off the other addictions that tainted my mind,307

So that peace from their control I could find.308

It gave me conversation when my confidence was low.309

It made me feel myself, so I was able to show,310

A happiness or a smile upon my face.311

And it made me feel normal within this place.312

It gave me hope that everything would be fine.313

It gave me peace from thinking of his crime.314

It gave me inspiration to stay alive.315

It gave me the strength to survive.316

It gave me power, confidence and self esteem.317

It made me relax so my anger did not need to be so mean.318

It gave me a release that calmed my soul,319

Until I fell down, until I got caught in its control.320

Not all bad.321

It was not all bad when I had a drink.322

For it helped me switch off, so I did not have to think.323

For I was always thinking, thinking all the time.324

If not about addictions, I would be thinking of his crime.325

It all hurt my head, it controlled my mind,326

And peace in alcohol was all I could find.327

For I could laugh and giggle, I could happily smile,328

Even if it was only for a while.329

It only turned bad when I began to need it every day.330

To make the thoughts and anger go away.331

And it really worked, until I drank too much,332

Then all I thought about was his sick touch.333

I became controlled in its demands,334

But it was the only thing in my life that offered comforting hands.335

So I hid myself securely in its control,336

Never knowing that it had taken my soul.337

Then down I fell and I fell hard,338

For there was no hiding that I had to let down my guard.339

For I was suicidal but I did not want to die.340

I just did not know how to talk or cry.341

Problem.342

I became aware that I was a problem when my friends told me the next day,343

Of how the night before I had lost my way.344

I had blackouts and stages in which I lost all control,345

And became so angry as if I was playing a role.346

I became someone that was not me,347

And that scared my friends, for how can it be,348

That I was so quiet and happy in the day,349

Then I would drink too much alcohol and suddenly lose my way.350

But they could not see all the hurt I held inside.351

And they could not see all the pain I had to hide.352

So what they saw, they could not understand,353

That when alcohol took my soul, I fell to it’s demand.354

Given Up.355

Alcohol became a problem when it took all control.356

It took away my life and blackened my soul.357

It made me fall heavy into a despairing shame,358

That made me so angry, that sent me insane.359

Then as a problem it just became worse.360

It made me see the devil and his wicked curse.361

It made me believe I had fallen so deep,362

Into the disturbing memories that so long I had to keep.363

It sent me back, so far back in time,364

That over and over I was replaying his crime,365

Of rape and abuse of my shell.366

Hurting and shaming me in his controlling spell.367

I could not see anything else in my life,368

Except the wish to end it, to die by my knife.369

For I had fallen so far, I had to give in,370

To his manipulation, to his disgusting sin.371

A Mess.372

Again I have woken up and my whole world is a mess,373

For I got pissed last night and ended up in distress.374

For anger took over and I lost control.375

Again my name is blackened, again I am hurting in my soul.376

I wish it would go away, I wish to be left alone.377

I wish I didn’t talk, so my anger wouldn’t be shown.378

I wish I still cut deep into my skin,379

Then I wouldn’t scream the pain controlled by him.380

Drinking seems to unleash my deepest of pain.381

And I end up hating myself or acting insane.382

I do not know how to control it, or find a different way,383

To make all my hurt go away.384

The Poison of Alcohol.385

Life is more in my control day by day,386

And it is only when it gets too painful do I lose my way.387

But I am healing my body and my mind,388

And soon comfort from alcohol I will no longer need to find.389

Pissed.390

What does drink actually do for me?391

Well to start with, it sets me free.392

Free from the restriction and control,393

That I daily place upon my soul.394

Then it reminds me that I have a voice,395

But for some reason the words coming out would not be my choice.396

For they are memories, upsets that I never really say,397

For I normally control them throughout my day.398

Then my emotions get the better of me,399

As my sadness and anger start to run free,400

Giving me an aggressive, nasty soul,401

That does not disappear until it has lost all control.402

As the control is lost I shout and scream.403

I argue and lash out, I become so nasty and mean,404

Blaming everyone and everything in sight,405

For my whole life being such a fight.406

Then in the morning I awake in shame.407

Wishing to disappear and feeling so much pain.408

And then after days of guilt and a depression so low,409

I get pissed and again my monster will show.410

I’m scared.411

I’m scared of what I’m going to have to do,412

For it means another fight against you.413

It is controlling my drinking, getting myself well,414

And unlocked another chain that keeps me under your spell.415

This is such a big step, a huge leap for me,416

For the release I get from drinking, sets me free.417

Free from anger, free from my pain.418

Free from the memories that has sent me insane.419

So a challenge it is, the hardest of all.420

For I am scared I’m just setting myself up for a fall.421

But I am going to try to win this fight,422

I just hope deep within I have the might.423

Feeling.424

This is too hard, I really need a drink.425

It has consumed my mind, I cannot seem to think.426

I just need a fix to calm me inside.427

I don’t want to feel like this, I just want to hide.428

I can’t punch a wall, or cry a tear,429

All I long for is a pint of beer.430

Or a bottle of wine is maybe what I need,431

Or a bottle of vodka and my anger will be freed.432

But look at me, I’m feeling my pain,433

I’m feeling my anger and my eternal shame.434

But it feels too much, it’s destroying my soul,435

How the hell can I stay in control?436

Controlling the Impulse.437

As the anger strikes I need to stop and think,438

Of what might happen if I have a drink.439

Will I hurt myself, or cause others pain?440

Or will I curl up crying in a ball of shame?441

Impulses.442

As the anger strikes I need to stop and think,443

Of what might happen if I have that drink.444

Will I hurt myself, or cause others pain?445

Or will I curl up crying in a ball of shame.446

Is it worth feeling so bad?447

Is it really acceptable making others sad?448

Is alcohol the answer to what I need to find?449

Am I aware of my state of mind?450

I need to break the impulse as it starts to control my way,451

And leave me fucked up for the rest of the day.452

I need to feel the pain, I need to get through,453

For the reason I drink is to stop the pain of you.454

Worth It?455

I am aware of the triggers that make me want to drink,456

But how do I control the urge when I cannot seem to think?457

For I become clouded with a heaviness that’s too much to bare,458

And then fall deep into my soul wishing life would be fair.459

I seem to scream out loud, why did it happen to me?460

Why am I so damaged and chained in misery?461

What did I do wrong to deserve all this pain?462

Why should I have to away in my shame?463

These things I carry so deep in my soul,464

And they only come out when alcohol takes control.465

So why can’t I see that drinking is not worth the pain?466

Why can’t I see it just makes me go insane.467

Breaking my Guard. 468

When anger strikes I need a drink.469

And I do not give myself time to sit and think.470

I just reach for my exit to run away,471

And drown my anger in alcohol, then fuck up my day.472

This I know is not right.473

But this is how I cope with my fight.474

For it is a comfort for me to be this way.475

For no one can handle what I have to say.476

The words are painful that I scream,477

And I really become a monster so mean.478

But I really hate that I am this way,479

And I feel so ashamed as I wake the next day.480

So now I am going to try to put some things right,481

Like the monster inside, that is too quick to fight.482

I need to control her, help her let down her guard,483

For she is the reason that my life seems so hard.484

Frustration.485

During the week is when it gets really hard,486

To control my addictions and let down my guard.487

For frustration and anger creep into my mind,488

And make me believe that in alcohol I will find,489

An answer, a comfort, a release from my pain.490

But really I just lose it and end up screaming his name.491

For he begins to control me, he leaves me so weak,492

And I end up feeling that it is true, I am a freak.493

It is disturbing when it happens, for I fall down so fast,494

Screaming out the pain of my ugly past.495

But if I control my addictions and talk through my pain,496

Maybe one day he will be gone and I will no longer scream his name.497

Taking Control.498

Giving up alcohol seems so hard to do,499

But it has got to be the way to finally rid of you.500

For I have to take control, I have to work hard,501

To speak my words of anger, to release my guard.502

Be Strong.503

It has gone too far now, I have lost control,504

As I pour the poison of alcohol into my soul.505

So now I have to not drink at all,506

And have the strength to no longer fall.507

I am going to take it day by day,508

And try so hard not to stray.509

For I do not need to drink,510

What I need is to clearly think.511

But some of the damage has already been done,512

And drinking has turned my soul dark, it is no longer fun.513

But I can change, I can be strong,514

For I no longer want that life to carry on.515

Prove to myself.516

So many mistakes, so many people hurt.517

So many arguments, so many people treated like dirt.518

All because I had a drink,519

And lost control, I could not think.520

So now the guilt and shame I have to feel,521

For it will keep me motivated to heal.522

For I have to change, this can not go on.523

I have to prove to myself and everyone that I can be strong.524

It is another road I have to walk,525

Another road where I will be forced to talk,526

And rid of the reason to why I drink.527

Rid of the alcohol so clearly I can think.528

Blame.529

I have hurt many people in what I do,530

And all along I have always blamed you.531

Blamed you for my sadness and heart wrenching pain.532

Blamed you for my anger and painful shame.533

But I now have to take responsibility for myself,534

And stop blaming and shouting at everyone else.535

For they are not to blame for what you did to me.536

They should not have to suffer for the pain I have inside of me.537

I have to realise that you are no longer here.538

I do not need to drink for I have nothing now to fear.539

And the most important thing is I need to stop punishing myself,540

And stop hurting and blaming everyone else.541

I am Sorry.542

I hate that there are so many people that I have hurt.543

Screamed at, been angry with and treated like dirt.544

It makes me feel so guilty that I have acted that way,545

Being angry and hurtful in what I say.546

It is only when I drink,547

Something clouds my mind and makes me unable to think.548

So I scream out words that I would never soberly say,549

That make so many people turn and walk away.550

So maybe it is time to not drink.551

For I want to be in control of what I think,552

And not hurt anymore people with my voice,553

For now it is up to me, it is my choice.554

I want people to see that I am a nice soul.555

And it is only when alcohol takes control,556

That I become a bitch that I do not want to be,557

So I am going to do it, I am going to be me.558

Controlling Addictions.559

Staying in control is sometimes too hard to do.560

For memories creep in, reminding me of you.561

And all I want to do is turn to my bad ways,562

For I cannot seem to handle life, or cope with any more days.563

I lose all sight of everything in my way.564

And I cannot speak until vodka has told me what to say.565

Then I punish myself for feeling so bad,566

Then end up so distraught and so painfully sad.567

But if I coped with my thoughts at the time,568

Maybe I could cope with the reminders of your crime,569

And stay in control without causing myself harm.570

Maybe without drink I could stay calm.571

I just need to give myself a chance to do what is right,572

Instead of getting pissed and being ready to fight.573

Maybe just sit a while and try and think,574

That I do not need that poisonous drink.575

Just being Me.576

I think I am confident and strong when vodka is my drink,577

But really I am arrogant and mean and never seem to think.578

I lose all control of what I say,579

And end up wishing everyone would go away.580

I hurt the people that I love,581

And it feels the devil is controlling me, not the angels above.582

But now I understand why I act this way,583

I can start to control all the mean things I say.584

I know the alcohol is feeding my pain,585

And then anger takes over and sends me insane.586

But as I control this more and more, 587

I am seeing that I can close another door.588

Another door where addictions do not rule.589

And where alcohol is no longer a survival tool.590

For the more I understand, the more I see,591

That I really am much nicer, when I am just being me.592

Controlling Him.593

Everytime I drink vodka, I always fall deep in my soul,594

Giving into his vicious control.595

Always believing I carry a dirty mark,596

That casts me deep into a depression so dark.597

I hate that I fall and lose all control,598

And end up so angry at everything that he stole.599

It becomes a disturbing time that I wish would go away,600

But the way to control this is to say all I need to say.601

For speaking the words of pain will release my soul,602

And take away any stain of his control.603

And I know I can do this, I can release my voice,604

And then controlling my addictions will become my choice.605

My Best.606

I have been working so hard to set myself free,607

But there are still so many issues that won’t let me be.608

They linger around, deep within,609

And everything I try does not seem to rid of him.610

I still feel alone so much of the time,611

And I still feel the pain of his crime.612

I still get angry and turn to drink,613

And he still controls how I think.614

But then I do not cut at my arm,615

And I no longer use bulimia to make me calm.616

And I try to make life happy if I get down.617

I can smile, I no longer need to frown.618

So I can change, I just need to work on the rest, 619

And not give in, just keep trying my best.620

For I am getting better, I am more in control,621

And I will one day rid of you from my soul.622

Facing Pain.623

Giving up alcohol seems such a hard thing to do,624

But it has got to be the way to finally rid of you.625

For I have to take control, I have to work hard,626

To speak my words of anger, to release my guard.627

I have to face the pain of what you did to me.628

That is the only way that I can be free.629

But while I’m using alcohol to repress all my pain,630

I am only keeping myself trapped in my shame.631

So I have to speak my words without having a drink.632

I have to be sober, so clearly I can think,633

How to control my emotions that often lose their way,634

And how to free my secrets so at last I can have my say.635

Giving Up.636

To move forward in my life, I need to give up the drink.637

I need to stop the addiction that dictates how I think.638

I need to control all the bad thoughts that come into my mind,639

And stop thinking that in alcohol there are answers to find.640

For alcohol just sends me completely insane.641

It triggers my anger then leaves me so deeply in pain.642

It brings out my past that most of the day I can control,643

Then leaves me fallen, hating my soul.644

But I carry so much anger, hidden deeply inside,645

And it becomes too strong for me to hide.646

So I let it take over, I let it win.647

For I feel I am not strong enough to rid of him.648

My Comfort.649

How did alcohol become a comfort to me?650

How can a drink truly be,651

A safe gentle hug, or a caring hand,652

When really the addiction is a controlling demand.653

Comfort.654

I drank a bottle of vodka every night.655

I knew I was depressed and I was losing my fight.656

But to get through my pain, alcohol was all I could see,657

For I had too much hurt eating away inside of me. 658

When my pain got too much I would cut at my arm,659

For the anger of the drink seemed to cause me more harm.660

Yet in the morning as I opened my eyes,661

I slowly put on a happy disguise.662

So much of my life has been that way.663

Disguising my problems, never having words to say.664

But as I opened my mouth, I found a voice,665

Now with secrets to say it has become my choice.666

So do I get pissed and hide away?667

Or do I open up and have my say?668

Do I need the poison to let down my guard?669

Is speaking the words sober really too hard?670

It is more in my control day by day.671

And it is only when it’s too painful do I lose my way.672

But I am healing my body and my mind.673

And soon comfort from alcohol I will not need to find.674

Talking.675

Alcohol was my biggest comfort for so many years,676

But it has prolonged so many of my tears.677

Replacing them with anger and a hatred so pained.678

Hiding me away feeling so ashamed.679

But a comfort it was because I was so alone.680

And if I knew then the reason, maybe I could have known,681

How to speak of my despairing past,682

And let my tears fall down so fast.683

But the alcohol hid my secrets away,684

Until I lost all control and screamed out what I needed to say.685

And sharing my pain and screaming my tears,686

Made me see how I was hurting because of all my younger years.687

But now I am learning how to cope, I do not need to numb my pain.688

I do not need to hide or be locked in my shame.689

For speaking the words took my darkness away,690

And free from my addictions I will be one day.691

Weep.692

A comfort can be anything that makes you feel safe form harm.693

A protection, a love, a gentle feeling of calm.694

It helps you not worry, for everything will be ok,695

And you will be safe if anything comes your way.696

So how did alcohol become a comfort to me?697

How can a drink truly be,698

A safe gentle hug, or a caring hand,699

When really the addiction is a controlling demand.700

These two comparisons I can now see.701

And I know which one I should turn to, to comfort me.702

But when I feel all alone with no words to speak,703

It is so easy to use alcohol to help me weep.704

Changing Behaviour.705

My issues have now got too much to bare,706

And I need to change something to help me repair.707

So my problems with alcohol are the most important right now.708

I just have to find some other answers somehow.709

Mend.710

I am going to try to give alcohol a miss,711

And I need to try hard to resist.712

For to take control of my addiction to drink,713

I have to have a break, so I am able to think.714

Think of a way to deal with my pain,715

Without turning to drink and going insane.716

For it has distorted my head to believe it is my friend,717

But with it in my life, I cannot mend.718

My issues have now got too much for me to bare,719

And I need to change something to help me repair.720

So my problems with drink are the most important right now.721

I just have to find some other answers somehow.722

Avoiding Alcohol.723

When I get angry I need to stop and think.724

Think about the consequences of me having a drink.725

I need to notice if my emotions are likely to explode,726

And see if my secrets are likely to be told.727

I need to avoid alcohol until I am calm,728

Until I know I am safe from harm.729

Then consider again if alcohol would be the best way,730

To release the emotions that have controlled my day.731

If at that point, the impulse has disappeared,732

I need to reward myself, for I have faced something I feared.733

And then move forward, knowing I got through,734

The distorted behaviour that for so long, I needed to do.735

Link.736

The anger of my past was only expressed when I had a drink.737

For I would lose control and not stop to think,738

Of what I was saying, I would just scream in pain,739

Then wake up in the morning, hiding in shame.740

This was my life for so much of my time,741

Never really knowing how to deal with his crime.742

But I was pushing people too far away,743

And I was getting ill with every passing day.744

Then I found my tiny voice,745

And thought at last that I had a choice.746

For I realised drink and anger had such a huge link,747

So I began to release my anger without having a drink.748

Only Option.749

There were days in my life that I could not carry on,750

For the pain inside became too strong,751

Leaving me helpless and turning to drink,752

For I was too confused and unable to think.753

All I wanted was to sleep,754

And never wake up, for I did not want to keep,755

The torture of the memories that were invading my head,756

So I thought the only option, was to be dead.757

But now I see that it had to be the way,758

Until I brokedown the barriers and began to say,759

Of all the hurt and pain that was stored so deep,760

And no longer make the secrets only mine to keep.761

Envy.762

I used to envy people around me,763

Who looked happy and stable, motivated and free.764

For I could not understand why it was my life in a mess.765

I could not understand why I was the only one in distress.766

It would make me feel so angry that I felt so much pain.767

That I was the only one acting insane.768

Then it made me feel guilty that I felt that way,769

For others were not to blame for the life I lived day by day.770

It still upsets me to think,771

Of the damage I did when I had a drink.772

For that was when I was at my worst.773

Being angry and hurtful and feeling I was cursed.774