Chapter 2 Eating Disorders

Eating Disorders.1

Control.2

I had to hurt this body so weak,3

So as the days passed by, I forgot to eat.4

Frail and weary my body grew,5

I knew what next I had to do.6

For as I looked upon my body, so broken and frail.7

I saw skin and bone, so weak and so pale.8

My fragile body was beginning to show,9

But it had to be a secret, no one could know.10

So I covered it up to hide my pain,11

But then I started to eat and feel such shame.12

Now tainted the image I could see,13

As I gazed at the mirror, hating me.14

I then discovered the poison could go away,15

So as I ate the food, it would never stay.16

Alone in secret it would all come back,17

Controlled by my monster, I was under attack.18

As the years past by, I gained control,19

Never telling a single soul.20

But my body was too weak and now too broken.21

I could no longer hide, the secret was spoken.22

Stained.23

I cannot do this anymore,24

I just need a body I can adore.25

A body that I can care for and not leave in pain.26

A body that will not make me hide in shame.27

The reason I hate this shell is because of him,28

Laying his perverted hands across my skin,29

Knowing that he had full control,30

And knowing that he had taken my soul.31

Then he stopped and went away,32

And I started punishing myself every day.33

Throwing up my food and starving to get thin,34

Are only a few issues that I carry from him.35

I hated my body from that day,36

For it had been manipulated in every single way.37

And it did every one of his demands.38

It let him touch it with his dirty hands.39

Now all I see is the poison of him,40

That creeps across me and gets under my skin,41

Forming ugly fat and dirty stains.42

See, there is no beauty that remains.43

Bad Feeling.44

I am going to starve my shell,45

Because I need to punish myself until I feel unwell.46

I don’t know what is driving me to be this way,47

I just know I’m going to get thinner every single day.48

I’m feeling really terrible, I feel I have done wrong.49

And I have felt this way for far too long.50

And now I cannot cope, I am losing my way.51

And there are no words that I can say.52

I am going to do this and I am not going to stop.53

Not until I’m ill and ready to drop.54

Then I will have punished myself for doing wrong.55

Then the bad feeling inside will be gone.56

Punishment.57

My problems with eating started when I was small,58

For I was too young and too weak to cope with it all,59

All of the abuse I suffered at his hands,60

And all of the controlling of his sick demands.61

So eating disorders were my way of punishing my shell,62

For being too small and vulnerable and being trapped in his spell.63

But years and years later, I am still doing just the same,64

Coping with eating disorders and avoiding my pain.65

But I don’t want to live this way, it’s getting too hard to cope,66

For I am fading into starving again, the cycle where I lose hope.67

For I cannot seem to be stable, I have to get thin.68

I am scared this time that he will win.69

Beaten.70

I am losing weight, I am getting thin.71

I am winning my battle against him.72

For I have my control back, I am ready to fight.73

I am feeling amazing, I am feeling right.74

Three days have passed now and I’m so weary and pale.75

I cannot keep this up much longer, but I don’t want to fail.76

For I am starving myself and loving my control,77

But I am also destroying every hope to be whole.78

I am devastated now, for some food I have eaten.79

I am depressed now, for I feel I have been beaten.80

I am tired now, I need to rest, 81

But in the morning, I will start again and work harder than my best.82

Starve.83

Three days had past, I did not eat.84

For I had a record I had to beat.85

I was hungry and pale, fragile and weak,86

But my emotions were normal, I did not feel like a freak.87

I was in control of my being.88

My body was getting thin, I liked what I was seeing.89

So why should I stop my obsession so cruel,90

When I feel so good and it is my body to rule.91

As my body grew thin and so very weak,92

My control was amazing, why did I have to eat?93

For it was the first time I felt I was me.94

It felt so happy to finally be free.95

Mirror.96

I can stare for hours at my shell,97

But I am concealing a secret that makes me unwell.98

I am starving myself, making me thin,99

I am gaining back the control stolen by him.100

I am getting thinner every day.101

I feel so good, I hope this feeling will stay.102

For even though, I am destroying my being,103

I am so happy with what I am seeing.104

Although soon, I will grow weak and pale,105

Faint and fragile and very frail,106

The smile I show will always stay,107

For I am in control and it cannot be taken away.108

Failed.109

Eating disorders rule my day,110

For I will challenge myself in every way.111

I put food in front of me to tempt me to eat,112

But I have a strict record I have to beat.113

I am not allowed to eat for three days,114

Then I have to see what my shell weighs.115

If I have not lost enough of the poison within,116

I must have failed and committed a sin.117

Even if I know food hasn’t entered my shell,118

I will keep starving myself until I feel really unwell.119

But I do not know why I treat my body this way,120

But f my body had a voice, I wander what it would say.121

Freak.122

I have to get thin, I can’t take my fat anymore.123

I want a skinny body I can adore.124

I need to do it quick, extremely fast,125

I have to starve myself, make it last.126

Three days is no good, I have to do it for a week.127

Then I will lose weight and won’t be a fat freak.128

I have to not eat, not even one bite.129

Then I will be thin and my fat will no longer be a fight.130

I feel sick looking at my shell.131

I am out of control, I am not very well.132

But getting thin will make me feel good.133

Starving myself will make me feel as I should.134

Diet.135

I am on one of my diets again.136

But if anyone knew, they would think I was insane.137

For my diet is starvation until I get thin.138

For I am repulsed by this fat that lingers under my skin.139

I will not eat. I will refuse to for days,140

And I do not care what anyone says.141

For I have to get thin, I have to do it my way.142

I don’t know why, but my body has to pay.143

I do not care about my shell,144

And I do not care if I get unwell.145

I just hate I what I have deep within,146

But it makes me feel better if I get thin.147

Treats.148

Today I have fallen deep into a chaotic mess,149

For I treated myself with some food and now I’m in complete distress.150

I feel I have fallen backwards and wrecked my whole life.151

This is why I am sat here cutting my skin with my knife.152

Tomorrow I am going to starve myself, I need to take control,153

For I have failed so badly and shamed my soul.154

I need to now punish myself for this sin.155

I need to starve myself until I get thin.156

I feel so disappointed, and hate that I lost.157

If only I hadn’t eaten, it has come at such a high cost.158

And now I feel that I have done so wrong,159

I just wish for this day to be gone.160

Taking Control.161

I am losing control, I am binging again.162

I feel so guilty and now I’m falling in shame,163

For without bulimia to take the food away,164

The poisonous food has to stay.165

My mind is in chaos now, for I have done wrong.166

I wish there wasn’t food inside of me, I need it to be gone,167

For I am getting fatter, I can feel it under my skin.168

I cannot cope with this, I need to get thin.169

I need to take control and starve my shell,170

For I feel I am trapped under a poisonous spell.171

I cannot handle this, I cannot be this way.172

I cannot even handle living the rest of this day.173

Why?174

Why do I starve myself? What do I achieve?175

What satisfaction do I receive?176

Is it my way of taking control?177

Or is it a punishment to my soul?178

Do I feel bad deep inside?179

Do I feel so ashamed, that I feel I have to hide?180

Do I see fat that is not there?181

Do I see an ugliness that I cannot bare?182

When I look at my body, tears form in my eyes,183

For I feel it is not mine, it is just a disguise,184

That I am not part of, I am just trapped inside.185

But I need this body so that I can hide.186

I look at the fat that lingers under my skin.187

This is the ugliness that drives me to be thin.188

But I do not have the patience to do it day by day,189

For I feel too repulsive and just need it to go away. 190

Bulimia.191

Bulimia helped me to cleanse from within,192

For as I ate the food, I was controlled by him.193

So letting out the poison in this way,194

Stopped me from speaking the words I was not allowed to say.195

Illness.196

I am eating and eating, I cannot stop.197

Now I am throwing up until I drop.198

What is wrong with me? Am I unwell?199

Is this a secret I should tell?200

I have been doing the same for so many years.201

And I have kept my choking silent, nobody hears.202

But how long can I keep this going?203

How do I keep my illness from showing?204

I am getting obsessive, my sickness is getting worse.205

Am I bad? Am I under a curse?206

Have I done wrong to punish myself so bad?207

Or am I hurting? Am I sad?208

Distorted.209

Bulimia and drinking go together as one,210

For when I drink the alcohol, my control is gone.211

So I stuff my face without guilt having a say.212

Then throw up the poisons so that they go away.213

But when I am sober and in control of my head,214

I go on stupid diets and starve myself instead.215

But why does eating dictate my day?216

Why do I change so quickly when food has a say?217

It’s like a live my life in two different ways,218

Being in control then falling confused into a daze.219

I cannot find the balance, I cannot seem to get it right.220

This is why eating has become such a fight.221

Breakdown.222

My eating has been a problem for as far back as I can see.223

But I never really noticed that it was an issue in me.224

I just got on with it, being obsessed every day,225

Never really knowing that I was making my body pay.226

But in different stages along the way,227

I have changed my behaviours without having a say.228

For I started off starving my shell,229

Then I turned to bulimia and got trapped in it’s spell.230

But then bulimia was accompanied by a complete loss of control,231

For I drank and self harmed and really tainted my soul.232

They were vicious addictions that nearly ended my life,233

For I became suicidal, tempted to end it with my knife.234

Distorted Eyes.235

I hated, I loathed the sight I saw,236

And as I looked in my mirror, I hated it more.237

For year after year the image I had painted,238

Stuck deep in my mind, of my body so tainted.239

Marks.240

This body of mine truly disgusts me.241

It shows me the ugliness that only I can see.242

It carries stains riddled with poison and dirt,243

But only I can see them, because it was me who was hurt.244

People tell me I am pretty and thin,245

But they do not see the marks left by him.246

So I nod and say thank you for what they say.247

But I know I get fatter with every passing day.248

It is the strangest feeling seeing through my true eyes,249

For others only see my other disguise,250

Where I hide my body so no one can see,251

All the dirty stains covering me.252

Damaged.253

My poor little body, it has taken so much pain.254

It has become so weak and now hides in shame.255

It has been so damaged by many different hands.256

It cannot take anymore of everyone’s demands.257

It is such a shame that I cannot take care.258

I cannot seem to like it and help it repair.259

I just want to starve it and take away its control.260

I don’t want this body, I just want my soul.261

For my soul has been cleansed and given back to me.262

I have been strong enough to set it free,263

But my body is so different, I still see its stains.264

I still see the evil of him and the poison that remains.265

Hide in Shame.266

Fat all over me, stretching my skin,267

I need to do anything I can to get thin.268

For I cannot take these feelings, they are killing my soul.269

I need to do something fast, I need to take control.270

I cannot live my life in this way.271

It is getting harder to carry on day after day.272

I am just too ugly, I feel too much disgrace.273

I need to hide in shame, I cannot show my face.274

I have been feeling this way for far too long.275

I know so much is going on.276

But I cannot take it, I hate what I see.277

When I look in the mirror, it cannot be me.278

Fat.279

What is this image I can see.280

Fat, ugly, naked, it cannot be,281

Me I am seeing, surely I am wrong,282

This tainted portait I have carried too long.283

But it is me, through distorted eyes.284

I am only seeing my safe disguise,285

Of a person so ugly, so dirty and shamed.286

This character of mine cannot even be named.287

She controls me as I go down,288

Deep in depression, stained with a frown.289

She drags around an immense misery,290

That keeps me chained, not letting me be free.291

For she tells me I am fat and alone.292

She tells me I do not deserve any love to be shown.293

She keeps me stuck in terrible pain,294

Telling me my life will never be the same.295

Naked.296

I feel so ugly, I feel all wrong,297

For I have hated my body for too long.298

I cannot like it, it let me down,299

And now I am left ugly, stained with a frown.300

There is a fat that sticks beneath my skin.301

I hate it so much, what was my sin?302

To have such an image of disgust in my mind,303

When it was not my fault. There must be peace to find.304

Alone and naked, I look how it stands,305

I remember so quickly, your sick demands.306

That is why I hate it so much,307

Because all I see is your dirty touch.308

Ugly.309

What would it take to rid of your touch?310

For it lingers so deeply, it haunts me too much.311

For it is a dirt I wish I could peel away,312

But it is stained on my body and will always stay.313

I try so hard not to see,314

This ugliness, that shadows me.315

But as I look, I feel so sad,316

That I believe my body could be so bad.317

My eyes see something that is not there,318

But I hate the sight of my body so bare.319

Naked, exposed, I truly can see,320

Your dirty touch lingering over me.321

Shell.322

I do not recognise this body I see.323

The mirror is lying, it is not me.324

I am trapped in the shell I do not know.325

When is it time for me to let go?326

I have never seen myself as one,327

For my body and mind have been disconnected too long.328

But I remember what happened, I know why.329

But why am I still here? Why did I not die?330

How have I kept this body alive?331

It has been through so much, how did it survive?332

But now I see t as just a shell,333

With me trapped inside it, I’m under a spell.334

I Hate.335

I hate the reflection I can see.336

I hate that this image claims to be me.337

I hate all the fat that lingers under my skin.338

I hate that I cannot get thin.339

I hate that my face is the fattest I know.340

I just wish all my ugly fat would go.341

For it makes me feel sick and angry inside.342

It makes me withdraw and want to hide.343

I feel hideous if I am bare,344

But all I can do is stand and stare,345

With disgust crying through my eyes.346

So I put on another disguise.347

Ugly Disguise.348

If I feel angry or hurt, I want to starve my shell.349

I feel sad or depressed, I want my body to be unwell.350

If I feel chaotic or confused, food comforts my being,351

But then when I look at my body, fat is all I am seeing.352

If I feel in control something changes in my eyes,353

For I suddenly take off my fat, ugly disguise.354

But then so quickly I can fall and see it all wrong,355

Then I cannot handle life, I just wish to be gone.356

This dictates every part of my day,357

With my head always having conflicting things to say.358

For one minute I can feel that I am thin,359

And the next I have ugly fat crawling under my skin.360

Disgusting.361

I look at my body and I feel crippled with shame.362

I cannot cope with how it looks, it’s causing me too much pain.363

It’s ugly and disgusting, I don’t want this shell.364

I am trapped inside a body that’s making me unwell.365

I need to punish it, for my eyes see only dirt.366

I need to rid of it, for it’s causing too much hurt.367

How can I exist in a body that looks this way?368

How can I live when I need it to be hidden away?369

Look at this fat that lingers under the skin.370

I try and try but I cannot get thin.371

For no matter how much I starve it, it looks just the same.372

I need to get out of it, I cannot take anymore pain.373

Mirror.374

As I look in my mirror my fears I see.375

So much ugly fat, tightly choking me.376

So I breathe in my stomach and suck in my face,377

But still I see utter disgrace.378

I look and I stare, still seeing the same.379

I am getting angry and feeling my shame.380

Just look at me, standing here,381

I wish I could just cry a tear.382

It is repulsive and ugly, just look at my shell.383

How can I even dream of getting well,384

When this is my battle, a body that looks so wrong.385

How the hell am I going to stay strong.386

Help Me.387

You are causing me damage deep inside,388

I am going to collapse, then I cannot hide.389

For people will see what you do.390

People will help, they will be there for you. 391

Stupid Diets.392

So many stupid diets, so many stupid ways.393

So many destructive behaviours manipulating my days.394

So many pounds lost, so many stones gained.395

So many starving days yet the fat has still remained.396

So many mirror checks not being able to see,397

That somewhere deep inside there is a beautiful me.398

So many tears cried while looking at my shell.399

So many days lost, being under foods spell.400

So many years of punishment inflicted upon me.401

So many days of trying hard to be free.402

So many failed behaviours, so many distorted views.403

So many ways of dieting that I always loose.404

The Shells Voice.405

Please feed me, I have done nothing wrong.406

You have punished me so much, I can barely hold on.407

I am too weary, I am now too frail,408

I am getting very ill, I am looking seriously pale.409

I am too tired to live this way.410

Please listen to what I have to say.411

Give me some energy, I have to get strong,412

Or I will fade away, I will be gone.413

You are causing me damage deep inside.414

I am going to collapse, then I cannot hide.415

For people will see what you do.416

People will help, they will be there for you.417

Tired.418

I’m too tired and weary to keep living this same day,419

Where eating manipulates my mind and controls me in every way.420

It’s so draining and distressing, it’s getting too hard.421

Why can’t I just get help, let down my guard.422

I have been the same for as long as I can think,423

But now I do have an understanding that it has a link,424

To the pain and hurt inflicted upon me.425

So with this knowledge, why can’t I seem to break free?426

For now I have got to a point where I’m too tired to live,427

And I have no energy, there is nothing in me to give.428

So why can’t I just help myself, learn how to eat,429

For a life time of eating disorders I have to beat.430

Understanding Why.431

You hate your body, I hear what you say,432

But you are losing control, this is not the way.433

You do not have to punish yourself, you are not to blame.434

I will help you, you can show me your pain.435

Therapist.436

You do not need to torture your body, it did nothing wrong,437

And if you keep this up, someday soon you will be gone.438

For your body needs food to keep it alive,439

So if you starve yourself, you will not survive.440

You hate your body, I hear what you say,441

But you are losing control, this is not the way.442

You do not have to punish yourself, you are not to blame.443

I will help you, you can show me your pain.444

I don’t why I starve myself, but it makes me feel good.445

For I am hurting inside, but this makes me feel as I should.446

It gets me through each and every day,447

For there is something inside me that won’t go away.448

What is this pain you feel inside?449

What is it you are trying to hide?450

Have you a secret you cannot tell?451

Is this why you are making yourself unwell?452

I do not know anymore,453

I just want a body I can adore.454

I need to make my self thin,455

I want to be happy, I want to be slim.456

What thoughts go on in your mind?457

What are you hiding? What are you trying to find?458

What do these thoughts make you feel?459

I can tell you if they are real.460

I think I am fat and I need to be thin.461

I know I will be happy when I am slim.462

For as the days pass by, I don’t feel like a freak.463

I feel strong, I am no longer weak.464

You need to understand that you are strong,465

And starving yourself like this is very wrong.466

You need to gain control, but in a different way.467

You can open up, for you have something to say.468

I feel so bad, but I don’t know why.469

Sometimes I feel like I want to die.470

I no longer cry, there are no more tears,471

I have been getting worse over the years.472

I can’t seem to fit in, I feel so sad,473

And when I am not sad, I have an anger so mad.474

What is wrong with me, I feel so wrong,475

I don’t know if I can carry on.476

This is how you really feel,477

But these thoughts you have don’t have to be real.478

We can talk about why you feel so bad,479

And what it is that first made you sad.480

I have felt like this for so very long,481

I don’t know how I have carried on.482

I cannot explain what is happening inside,483

I really don’t know what I am trying to hide.484

For years and years I have felt the same.485

Now I fear I have gone insane.486

I really don’t feel that I belong,487

I really wish I was gone.488

How would that make you feel,489

If you were gone, no longer real?490

What would it achieve? What is your aim?491

What would it release? It would rid of my pain.492

Can you explain this pain to me?493

What would it take for me to see,494

This pain in a way that I can understand?495

I am here for you, I will hold your hand.496

This pain is inside, it fills me with darkness.497

It keeps me trapped, alone in sadness.498

I feel I have a stain, a mark of sin,499

I think it was created because of him.500

Him? A person has left a mark?501

Yes. He is the one who hurt me in the dark.502

Deep in the darkness of the night,503

He would come and give me a fright.504

What would he do? He would give me fear.505

Then he would go and I could not cry a tear,506

For it was a secret, I could not tell.507

Is this why I am not very well?508

Addiction.509

Starving myself is an addiction, it is my way of taking control,510

By not feeding the poison that you left in my soul,511

For if I eat you can attack my mind,512

And then another release I have to find.513

But if I control my eating, I am controlling you.514

I am consuming my mind with food instead of what you used to do.515

It is avoiding any memories, avoiding all my pain,516

And because I am getting thinner, it makes me not feel so much shame.517

Controlling my eating is too hard to stop.518

And I will not give up until I drop.519

Because I do not want to remember, I do not want to know.520

I cannot handle the memories, I just need them all to go.521

Why?522

There is only misery when I look at my shell,523

And this is what drives me to make myself unwell.524

Bingeing and starving to make the poison go away.525

Punishing my body day after day.526

But why did I start this? What was my sin?527

Or is this torture all because of him?528

Is he the one who made me see myself this way?529

Is he the one that will not go away?530

I really want to change my behaviours for they are getting too hard.531

But will I be able to let down my guard?532

And be completely honest about how I feel.533

And maybe work harder to make myself heal.534

Avoidance.535

I have had eating disorders for so many years.536

But they are just another way of avoiding my tears,537

Until I am ready to take control,538

Of all the pain that darkens my soul.539

But when I give them up I will remember so much,540

Of how I carry the marks of the devils touch.541

And that scares me for it carries the deepest fear,542

That the memories so evil will not go away with a tear.543

I cannot remember, I hate what he did to me.544

I hate that I have to go back there to make myself free.545

It is not fair to suffer all over again.546

It is not fair that I have to relive my pain.547

My True Eyes.548

Take care of your body, that’s what people say,549

But they cannot see, the dirt that will not go away.550

Look in the mirror, look and see,551

There is no dirt, you can be free.552

Mean.553

Take care of your body, that’s what people say.554

But they cannot see, the dirt that will not go away.555

Look in the mirror, look and see.556

There is no dirt, you can be free.557

I look at the image, tainted for so long,558

And I realise it has not done anything wrong.559

So why do I punish such a broken shell?560

When what I need to do is make it well.561

For it did not deserve what evil did,562

And it does not deserve to be chained up and hid.563

It should walk tall and stand up clean,564

So stop hurting it, stop being so mean.565

Dirt.566

I have to tell myself that my body is not a shell,567

For this is the reason that I am not well.568

For I see it as an object that can be used.569

I see it as the body that was abused.570

Yes it was, it was hurt,571

And now all I see is evils dirt,572

Stained upon my skin, surrounding my being.573

No wonder I have hurt myself if this is what I am seeing.574

But now I need to put right,575

This distorted thinking, I now need to fight.576

For my closed eyes saw my body this way,577

But my eyes are now open, now my body can have a say,578

Try.579

Eating has always been a problem for me,580

For every time I eat the image I see,581

Is one of disgust that I am fat and weak,582

For I have lost control and become a freak.583

This distorted thinking is such a strong belief,584

That if I do not eat, I feel such a relief.585

Relief and admiration that I have conquered my goal.586

And the control I have makes me feel whole.587

But now I see this is not right,588

My battle with food has become such a fight.589

For the guilt I feel as food enters my shell,590

Overwhelms my mind so much, I cannot seem to get well.591

Closed Eyes.592

I used to look at my body through closed eyes.593

But now I can see, I can release my disguise.594

For I actually now like some parts of my shell,595

And the other parts I am going to make well.596

For what I used to see was not right.597

And now the distorted thoughts I am going to fight.598

So that one day, I will feel happy inside,599

And my beautiful body, I will no longer need to hide.600

Conflict.601

What is wrong with me starving for a while?602

If it makes me feel good, makes me smile.603

Who is to say that I am not right,604

When my battle with food is such a big fight.605

Confusion.606

If I am in control, I starve my shell,607

And become so weary, then become unwell.608

But then I lose all control and stuff my face.609

Then fall to alcohol to hide my disgrace.610

This is a pattern that has always been the way,611

Manipulating and controlling every part of my day.612

It is obsessive and controlling that chaotic and confused.613

But I know this cycle goes back to when I was abused.614

But now I want to repair,615

All the damage that my body has to bare.616

For when I punish my body, it confuses my mind,617

For surely there are other ways out there to find.618

Who is to say?619

I cannot eat the healthy way,620

Three meals everyday.621

For I quickly get fat and feel so down,622

But I want to be happy, I don’t want to frown.623

If I could eat just one meal a day,624

I would feel good in every way.625

For my mind would tell me I did good,626

And the reflection in my mirror would be as it should.627

What is wrong with me starving for a while?628

If it makes me feel good, makes me smile.629

Who is to say that I am not right?630

When my battle with food is such a big fight.631

Conflict.632

I fight so hard everyday,633

With my mind and my body having different things to say.634

For my body tells me I need to eat,635

But my mind tells me the record I have to beat.636

My body wants energy to live,637

But if I eat, my mind will not forgive.638

For it tells me I have failed my task for the day,639

But then my body is weak and wants to hide away.640

This conflict is a battle, every day I have to fight.641

But I do not know which one is right.642

For I am happy if my mind gets it’s way,643

But then my body just wants to hide away.644

Wonder Why?645

I wonder why it’s so hard for me to put food into my shell,646

Even though I know that it makes me unwell.647

I don’t know if it is a loss of control,648

Or whether it is deeper, a pain in my soul?649

I wonder why it destroys me if I fail?650

When I know I am getting ill, when I know I am looking frail.651

Why can’t I get my head to believe it’s not right?652

Why has food always been such a fight?653

Why do I feel good if I haven’t eaten?654

Why do I feel proud, if a record I have beaten?655

Why am I so strict, why do I punish myself all the time?656

How do I get over this without facing his crime?657

Destructive.658

Eating out of my control completely wrecks my day,659

For it disturbs my thinking in every single way.660

It controls my head to feel guilt and shame,661

Then takes my soul and leaves it open to pain.662

It confuses every part of my head,663

And leaves me thinking I am better off dead.664

It destroys any hope that I could ever heal,665

And it numbs my body so I can no longer feel.666

Then it makes me punish myself for my sin,667

By drinking or harming or cutting with my skin.668

It is not so easy to stay in control,669

But I really need to for it destroys my soul.670

Why Starve?671

I want to starve myself, but I know I will be ill.672

I know my emotions will be chaotic and I will want to fill,673

My body with poisons to take the chaos away.674

Then fall down depressed with no words to say.675

My body will become fragile and so very thin.676

My mind will be frustrated that there is still fat under my skin.677

And I will never be satisfied that I am ok.678

I will just become angrier with every passing day.679

I understand what happens, so why starve my shell?680

Why do something that I know will make me unwell?681

What is the point in it, what good will I achieve?682

And what happiness in this will I ever receive?683

Utter Chaos.684

The world around me is in utter chaos.685

I cannot live this way, for it makes me feel I have lost,686

Any control upon my life,687

This is why I am self harming with my knife.688

I am trying so hard to gain back my control,689

But I end up punishing myself and hating my soul.690

I cut and starve myself for I hate what I see.691

I feel so depressed and darkened with misery.692

How can I change this when I have done it for so long?693

For even though I know starving and cutting is wrong,694

I feel I need to do them, they just feel right.695

But they are the punishments that are losing me my fight.696

Gone Wrong.697

What is it that goes wrong in my head?698

For as I eat the food, I wish I had starved instead.699

Why does this happen to me? Why is it this way?700

What is it my head is trying to say?701

Do I want to punish myself? Do I want to be ill?702

Do I lose control against my will?703

Do I have fears that are too strong to face?704

Do I feel too ugly to belong in this place?705

Do I see fat that is not there?706

Am I too afraid of what will happen if I repair?707

It is always going to be this way?708

Am I never going to fully enjoy a day?709

Eaten Well.710

I have eaten the proper food, but now I have chaos in my head.711

I wish I had not eaten, but starved myself instead,712

For the shame I am feeling and the chaos inside,713

Is now fucking up my day and making me want to hide.714

I have followed all the rules and eaten so well,715

But now the fat is growing upon my shell.716

It happened so quickly and depressed my soul,717

And now I feel so bad that I lost my control.718

But I have not lost control, I have done so good.719

I have eaten everything that I should.720

So why the hell do I feel this way?721

Why am I too confused the face the rest of my day?722

Understanding Bulimia.723

Bulimia for me was a way of taking control.724

To let out the poison that lingered in my soul.725

To choke up the memories I could not speak,726

And to help me deal with the secrets I had to keep.727

Bulimia. 728

Bulimia was me was a way of taking control.729

To let out the poison that lingered in my soul.730

To choke up memories I could not speak.731

To help me deal with the secrets I had to keep.732

Bulimia helped to cleanse me from within,733

For as I ate the food, I was controlled by him.734

So letting out the poison in this way,735

Stopped me from speaking the words I was not allowed to say.736

Secrets have always been trapped inside,737

So bulimia was just another secret I had to hide.738

And I hid it well for so many years.739

I hid it until I began to scream my tears.740

Tears so painful I could not cope.741

I was damaged in so many ways, I was losing hope.742

For all the behaviours I relied on,743

Had destroyed my soul for too long.744

Control.745

Bulimia is all about taking control.746

I did it because I had poison in my soul.747

I had to rid of it anyway I could,748

But I now know that I did not do it as I should.749

I should not have listened to what he would say.750

But because I did, I believed my body had to pay.751

But now I know I am not to blame,752

I can see through his wicked game.753

There is no poison in my soul,754

It was just another way he took control.755

To hurt me in any way that he could,756

To make me believe that I am not good.757

So now I know this, I can begin to heal,758

And make my distorted thinking real.759

For I am not evil, I have no poison within,760

And I do not have to punish myself because of his sin.761

Rituals.762

Bulimia was a complete loss of control,763

For drinking and self harm crept in and took my soul.764

For I had a ritual every night that involved all three,765

But I didn’t know it was wrong, I didn’t know it was hurting me.766

It was my way of coping with all the pain trapped inside.767

It was my way of isolating myself for I wanted to hide.768

I didn’t want anyone to know that I was a freak.769

I hated that I felt so weak.770

But at that time I didn’t know why,771

Why it was that I wanted to die.772

I couldn’t remember the secrets that dictated my ways,773

I didn’t realise it was linked to my younger days.774

Changing Behaviours.775

Now I can start to repair,776

Every torture my body had to bare.777

But how do I start, how can I see,778

That this broken body does belong to me.779

My Friend.780

I have been devastated in chaos, then strict in my control.781

I have been lost in despair, then full in my soul.782

I have shown the calmest peace and felt the angriest rage.783

I have been out in the world, then been isolated in my cage.784

I have felt the deepest trauma and faced disturbing pain.785

I have been happy in my body, then hidden in distressing shame.786

I have faced my addictions, then fallen just the same way.787

I have had days I can cope and days I wish to fly away.788

But through all this trauma, I have had the greatest friend,789

And in some way I thought it would be here till my end.790

But my friend is my eating disorder that causes me to fall.791

How can I say goodbye to a friend that has been with me through it all.792

Releasing Shame.793

An eating disorder is a vicious control,794

That manipulates and confuses your mind and your soul.795

It takes over every moment and fucks up your day,796

And it will never give you peace until you work hard to make it go away.797

This problem has been with me since I was small.798

It has taken so much of my life and made me fall.799

It has fucked up my body and my mind,800

But now I want to get better and learn how to be kind.801

Kind to my body for it has been through so much.802

But best of all it survived the devils touch.803

So if it is strong enough to survive so much pain,804

Surely I am strong enough in mind to release it from it’s shame.805

Step Forward.806

I made another step forward in my life today.807

I went to an eating disorders clinic to have my say.808

This is a huge relief that again I am not alone.809

I am going to a place where guidance can be shown.810

It has been a long time coming, but I did for me,811

Because each time I let myself get better, the more I can see,812

That I can get over my past, I can let go,813

And I can get better and stop feeling so low.814

For each step I make, gains me back my control,815

And lets a little bit of pain out of my soul.816

So no matter how painful it is to heal my past,817

I will keep strong, so that I can be free at last.818

Survive.819

Some days I find it so hard to eat,820

But if I don’t, I fall down beat,821

Fainting and collapsing so many a time,822

All the while saying, don’t worry, I am fine.823

But I know the truth, I feel the pain I bare.824

I know what a struggle it is to help my body repair,825

For after so many years of my shell being abused,826

It is worn out and tired, it is battered and bruised.827

But what is even more of a shame,828

Is that I intentionally hurt my shell as a reaction to my pain.829

I would cut and bruise, starve my shell,830

Not really understanding that I was still controlled under his spell.831

Now years and years later I am finally breaking free,832

From all the destructive behaviour and learning how to be,833

Kind to my once battered and worn out shell,834

For now I know it deserves to be well.835

So now when I feel depressed or cannot stand to eat,836

I know it is a behaviour that I have to beat,837

For I have to give myself strength to stay alive,838

For I have worked so hard, I owe it to myself to survive.839

Food.840

I can try and make food my friend,841

And try to help my issues end.842

For food is not evil, it does do good,843

And I must now learn how to use it as I should.844

It is not poison, it will not hurt me within.845

It will not make me fat, it will make me thin.846

I just have to control myself, believe I doing right.847

Then my battle with food will not always end in a fight.848

I know I can do it, for I have done it before.849

I once had a body that I could adore.850

But now can do it right and stick to my aim.851

Then stand up proud, instead of hiding in shame.852

Cope.853

Eating food means I have lost control,854

For as the food goes in my body, it becomes poison in my soul.855

So my mind thinks of how I can take it away,856

So it does not have to cause me chaos all of my day.857

But without bulimia to take the food away,858

I have to accept that in my body it will stay.859

But this causes me complete distress,860

For I quickly get down and fall in a mess.861

I hate that I feel such a freak,862

Without starving and controlling wrecking every week.863

It takes so much effort to live my life this way,864

And it’s getting harder with every passing day.865

Repair.866

I have destroyed my body for so long,867

But how can I see that it did no wrong.868

It did not defend evils touch,869

Because it was too small to defend so much.870

But now I can start to repair,871

Every torture my body had to bare.872

But how do I start, how can I see,873

That this broken body does belong to me.874

I stare so hard, I have to see,875

That beneath this image is an untouched me.876

And all I have to do is try to put right,877

All my broken pieces that are losing their fight.878

Healing the Shell.879

I want to heal my body so broken,880

For my secrets of life have all been spoken.881

So I no longer need to hurt my shell.882

Or be under the control of addictions wicked spell.883

And now I can also see that I have done nothing wrong,884

To deserve all the torture that has hurt me too long.885

I can start to take care of my fragile shell,886

And work really hard to make my body well.887

It is not easy, for the thoughts still creep in.888

But I can fight them, I will fight to win.889

For I do wan to like this body of mine.890

All I need is a little more time.891

Done no Wrong.892

I am not a bad person, I haven’t done wrong,893

So why have I punished myself for so long?894

Why do I hate myself, I have no reason to be this way.895

I am not the one who should fade away.896

I can’t keep living this day,897

For my fragile body doesn’t have to pay.898

It has done nothing wrong, it has caused no harm,899

So it now a rest, it need a little calm.900

It was raped and abused when it was so small,901

But then it got punished by me, and it took it all.902

But now it is too tired to take anymore pain.903

It wants to be taken care of and released of its shame.904

One Body.905

I only have one body to live in,906

So why would I hurt it because of him?907

For he has already caused it so much pain,908

And I am just punishing it just the same.909

But why should I damage my body when it did nothing wrong?910

And it has been hidden away for far too long.911

So why not now show how beautiful it can be.912

Why not let others see me.913

I should not be ashamed of it anymore.914

I should make it look good, be a body I adore.915

I should fill it with strength to win this fight,916

And I should let it rest peacefully at night.917

I should make it look strong, confident and well.918

I should make it healthy so no one can tell,919

That I once hurt it and caused it pain,920

Because someone made me feel so much shame.921

True Friend.922

Food has been my most vicious enemy, but also my most reliable friend.923

It has been a poison to my soul, but also a tool to mend.924

It has always been with me, dictating my days,925

And it has controlled my mind in so many ways.926

I have been anorexic and bulimic, I have been very ill,927

But my eating disorders are clinging on still.928

It seems that they are always such a huge part of my day,929

And I think this fight will be hard for them to go away.930

But I am going to try to put my distorted thinking right,931

For my battle has been too long and I no longer want to fight.932

So with all of my strength I am going to mend,933

And make food become a true, healthy friend.934

Fat Cunt.935

My boyfriend called me a fat cunt today,936

That’s fine, its ok, I will let him have his say,937

For his words are an inspiration for me to get thin,938

For I have piled on the pounds lately and it surely disgusts him.939

So I am starting my diet again, I am going to loose some weight,940

For I must be perfect to be his soul mate,941

And I am failing to satisfy his need,942

Because of my weight, because of my greed.943

I also want to do it for myself,944

For my sanity and my health.945

I want a body that is beautiful to see.946

I want this for him, but I need it for me!!! 947

Eating Disorders.948

From a tiny child I used food to take back my control,949

For I had a sadness inside that was tainting my soul.950

But I could not express it in a normal way,951

So I abused food to hide my sadness away.952

Eating Disorders.953

From a tiny child I used food to take back my control,954

For I had a sadness inside that was tainting my soul.955

But I could not express it in a normal way,956

So I abused food to hide my sadness away.957

It all started when I became aware of my shell.958

I noticed there was fat that transfixed me in a spell,959

Making me feel disgusting that it was all around me.960

Making me angry at what I could see.961

So I started missing meals, just one a day,962

But it made no difference, I wanted so much to hide away.963

For I felt disgusting all of the time,964

Even though to everyone else, I seemed just fine.965

Over time, my intake of food became less and less.966

But it made me happy, it got rid of my distress.967

And it made me feel human, it made me feel in control,968

But it also became an illness that destroyed my soul.969

For I became obsessive about getting thin,970

And hating the fat that lingered under my skin.971

So I placed rules and restrictions around my soul,972

So many ways to gain back control.973

I had to hurt this body, for it was so weak,974

So as more days passed by, I forgot to eat.975

Frail and weary my body grew,976

I knew what next I had to do.977

For as I looked upon my body, so broken and frail,978

I saw skin and bone, so weak and so pale.979

My fragile body was beginning to show,980

But it had to be a secret, no one could know.981

So I covered it up to hide my pain,982

But then I started to eat and feel such shame.983

Now tainted the image I could see,984

As I gazed at the mirror, hating me.985

Then one day I discovered the poison could go away,986

So as I ate the food, it would never stay.987

For alone in secret it would all come back,988

Controlled by my monster, I was under attack.989

As the years past by, I gained control,990

Never telling a single soul.991

But my body was too weak and now too broken,992

I could no longer hide, the secret was spoken.993

Starve.994

I am going to try hard to starve my shell,995

Because I need to punish myself until I feel unwell.996

It is a bad feeling inside that is driving me to be this way,997

But I know I am going to get thinner every single day.998

For I am feeling really terrible, I feel I have done wrong,999

And I have felt this way for far too long.1000

And now I cannot cope, I am losing my way.1001

I need to get thin, starting from today.1002

I am going to do this and I am not going to stop.1003

Not until I am ill and ready to drop.1004

Then I will have punished myself for doing wrong.1005

Then the bad feeling inside will be gone.1006

Five days have past now and I have not eaten,1007

For I have a record that has to be beaten.1008

I am hungry and pale, fragile and weak,1009

But my emotions are normal, I do not feel like a freak.1010

For I am in control of my being,1011

My body is thin, I like what I am seeing.1012

So why do I have to stop my obsession so cruel?1013

When I feel so good and it is my body to rule.1014

It is the first time I feel like I am me,1015

I feel I have set the bad feeling free.1016

But now I do not want to stop for I love how I feel,1017

Now I cannot eat for it would make it again real.1018

A few weeks have past now and I am fainting all the time,1019

I have headaches and mood swings, but I really am fine.1020

I can keep this going for I know I am strong,1021

I know deep inside that it is better the bad feeling is gone.1022

I am losing so much weight, I am actually getting thin,1023

But there is still so much fat lingering under my skin.1024

But I am not going to give up, I am not going to fail,1025

Even though I am feeling weak and looking so pale.1026

My thoughts have become obsessive, thinking all the time,1027

Of new ways to keep it secret, to tell others I am fine,1028

But I am running out of excuses as to why I am getting so thin,1029

For the fat keeps disappearing from underneath my skin.1030

People keep asking what is wrong,1031

But I just get angry and wish them to be gone,1032

For it is none of there business what I do with my shell,1033

And I will stop, I am not under foods spell.1034

I am in control, I am feeling good,1035

I am actually feeling how I should, 1036

So why are they trying to take that away from me?1037

Why are they stopping me from being free?1038

It has been so long now since I have eaten,1039

I could live like this forever, but I am feeling beaten,1040

For today I fainted and felt my heart lose its beat,1041

And when I came around, I had no energy to make it to my feet.1042

It kind of scared me that I was going to die,1043

So I sat all alone and for the first time let out a cry.1044

At that moment I told myself to eat,1045

And as I tried, I had to accept defeat,1046

And swallow the food into my shell,1047

Knowing that it would make me unwell.1048

I started to eat a little a day,1049

But I found a new way to make the food go away,1050

I started being sick after I had eaten,1051

For I could not accept that I had been beaten.1052

Rituals.1053

I have a ritual I do every night,1054

And sometimes it carries on until the darkness turns light.1055

I lay all my chosen poison in front of me,1056

All tools to help me become free.1057

There is chocolate and crisps, pizza and bread,1058

A bottle of vodka and thoughts manipulating my head,1059

Telling me to eat and drink as fast as I can,1060

Telling me that I will feel better if I follow this chaotic plan.1061

I have my music at high volume and a lock on my door,1062

And I have carrier bags flooding my floor,1063

Waiting to be filled with the poison from within,1064

All with one purpose, for me to be thin.1065

I tie my hair back and wash my hands,1066

Ready and prepared for the sudden demand,1067

To choke and gag on the poison inside.1068

Ready and aware that my secret has to hide.1069

I begin eating and drinking, I cannot stop,1070

Now I am throwing up until I drop.1071

I am in a kind of trance that feels so right,1072

Following the rules with no need to fight.1073

I am exhausted now as the tears are streaming down my eyes,1074

But as I stop being sick, I have taken off my disguise,1075

And feel so good at what I have achieved,1076

Loving the feeling that I have received. 1077

I feel calm yet tired, peaceful yet numb.1078

Released from emotion, no words to say, completely dumb.1079

Laying on the floor unable to move,1080

Looking at all the poison I had to use.1081

Then I take down my hair, go to my mirror for a while,1082

Looking at myself, making myself smile.1083

Then I change my clothes because I feel really thin,1084

Because I know the poison has not got under my skin.1085

My Eyes.1086

I hated, I loathed the sight I saw,1087

And as I gazed at my mirror, I hated it more.1088

Keeping stuck in my mind the image I painted,1089

Year after year my body so tainted.1090

For what was this image I could see?1091

Fat, ugly, naked, it cannot be,1092

Me I am seeing, surely I am wrong,1093

This tainted portrait I have carried so long.1094

I do not recognise this body I see.1095

The mirror is lying, this is not me.1096

I am trapped in this shell I do not know.1097

When is it my time to let go?1098

But it is part of me through my distorted eyes.1099

I am seeing my other disguise,1100

Of a person so ugly, so dirty and shamed,1101

This is a character of mine that can never be named.1102

She controls me as I go down,1103

Deep into depression, staining my face with a frown.1104

She drags around an intense misery,1105

That keeps me chained, not letting me break free.1106

She tells me I am fat and should hide all alone.1107

She tells me I should never let my body to shown,1108

For it is disgusting and stained, dirty and wrong,1109

It needs to be hidden, it needs to be gone.1110

It needs to be punished, it needs to be hurt.1111

It needs to be washed for it is crawling with dirt.1112

It needs to be hidden and forever kept away.1113

For this body of mine has to pay.1114

Stained.1115

I cannot do this anymore,1116

I just need a body I can adore.1117

A body that I can care for and not leave in pain.1118

A body that will not make me hide in shame.1119

The reason I hate this shell is because of him,1120

Laying his perverted hands across my skin,1121

Knowing that he had full control,1122

And knowing that he had taken my soul.1123

Then he stopped and went away,1124

And I started punishing myself every day.1125

Throwing up my food and starving to get thin,1126

Are only a few issues that I carry from him.1127

I hated my body from that day,1128

For it had been manipulated in every single way.1129

And it did every one of his demands.1130

It let him touch it with his dirty hands.1131

Now all I see is the poison of him,1132

That creeps across me and gets under my skin,1133

Forming ugly fat and dirty stains.1134

See, there is no beauty that remains.1135

Understanding Bulimia.1136

Bulimia for me, was a way a taking control.1137

To let out a poison that I thought lingered in my soul.1138

To choke up memories I could not speak.1139

To help me deal with the secrets I had to keep.1140

Bulimia helped to cleanse me from within,1141

But I was punishing myself, for another’s evil sin,1142

But letting out the poison in this way,1143

Stopped me from speaking the words I was not allowed to say.1144

It was chaos and rules, plans and control,1145

Every moment of my day, manipulating my soul.1146

It was obsessive and disturbing, I was causing myself so much harm,1147

But the reward I got from it was such a beautiful calm.1148

But now the truth behind bulimia and the control,1149

Is that it is actually a complete loss of control,1150

That harms your body in so many ways,1151

And controls your mind for so many of your days.1152

Choking on Pain.1153

Bulimia gripped me in its hands and took away my choice,1154

For it was a symbolic way of speaking without using my voice.1155

A way of expressing the pain that was locked within,1156

For I was forbidden to talk of the secrets of him.1157

So I used food to choke my pain away,1158

Aching and hurting more with every passing day,1159

Never noticing that I was getting really ill,1160

And never knowing it was linked to being touched against my will.1161

For years it controlled me, every day became the same,1162

Punishing myself because I could not cope with my pain.1163

Using my bulimia as an escape,1164

From my disturbing childhood, from the hidden memories of rape.1165

I got to a point that I could no longer carry on,1166

For my body was telling me what I was doing was wrong,1167

And it needed a break to help it repair,1168

From all the torture it had to bare.1169

At that point my whole life was in a mess,1170

And I realised I needed help, for I was aching in distress,1171

So I asked for help to come my way,1172

And something very positive happened that day.1173

Control.1174

So many stupid diets, so many stupid ways.1175

So many destructive behaviours manipulating my days.1176

So many pounds lost, so many stones gained.1177

So many starving days yet the fat has still remained.1178

So many mirror checks not being able to see,1179

That somewhere deep inside there is a beautiful me.1180

So many tears cried while looking at my shell.1181

So many days lost being under foods spell.1182

So many years of punishment inflicted upon me.1183

So many days of trying hard to break free.1184

So many failed behaviours, so many distorted views.1185

So many ways of dieting that I always loose.1186

If my body could talk.1187

If I asked my body, what would it say,1188

About how I treat it day after day.1189

Would it tell me I was doing right?1190

Or would it tell me it was too weak to fight.1191

Please feed me, I have done nothing wrong.1192

You have punished me so much, I cannot carry on.1193

I am too weary, I am too frail.1194

I am getting very ill, I am looking really pale.1195

I am too tired to keep living this way.1196

Please listen to what I have to say.1197

Give me some energy, I have to get strong,1198

Or I will fade away, I will be gone.1199

You are causing me damage deep inside.1200

I am going to collapse, then I cannot hide.1201

For people will see what you do,1202

People will help, they will be there for you.1203

Damaged.1204

My poor little body has taken so much pain.1205

It has become so weak and now it hides away in shame.1206

It has been so damaged by many a hand,1207

And now it cannot take another demand.1208

It is such a shame that I cannot take care.1209

I cannot seem to like it and help it repair.1210

I just want to starve it and take away its control.1211

I do not want this body for I can never make it whole.1212

For eating has always been a problem for me,1213

For every time I eat the image I see,1214

Is one of disgust that I am fat and weak.1215

For I have lost control and become a freak.1216

This distorted thinking is such a strong belief,1217

That if I do not eat, I feel such a relief.1218

Relief and admiration that I have conquered my goal,1219

And the control I have makes me feel whole. 1220

True Friend.1221

Food has been my vicious enemy, but also my most reliable friend.1222

It has been a poison to my soul, but also a tool to mend.1223

It has always been with me, dictating my days,1224

And it has controlled my mind in so many ways.1225

I have been anorexic and bulimic, I have been very ill,1226

But my eating disorders are clinging on still.1227

It seems that they are always such a huge part of my day,1228

And I think this fight will be hard for them to go away.1229

But I am going to try to put my distorted thinking right,1230

For my battle has been too long and I no longer want to fight.1231

So with all of my strength I am going to mend,1232

And make food become a true, healthy friend.1233

For I only have one body to live in, and this one did no wrong,1234

And it has been hidden away for far too long.1235

So why not show how beautiful it can be?1236

Why not let others see me?1237

I should not be ashamed of it anymore.1238

I should make it look good, become a body I can adore.1239

I should fill it with strength to win this fight,1240

And I should take care of myself, for that is what’s right.1241