Chapter 1 Addictions

Addictions.1

Addiction.2

Addiction controls every thought in my mind,3

Manipulating my behaviour, until I can find,4

The release that satisfies the need,5

Then my body and mind will be freed. 6

But not for long, for it begins again,7

Whether to block out emotion or to block out the pain.8

For my addictions are a disease, a symptom of what I do not see,9

And until I find the cause, I will never be free.10

But the cause is very deep inside.11

Something forgotten, or something I purposely hide.12

But whatever it is, it will catch me one day,13

For the addiction is just helping me to run away.14

Control.15

My addictions have started to control my day.16

I am losing reality, I am fading away.17

Falling deep into an emotionless shell,18

Destroying my soul, making me unwell.19

For the darkness is shadowing every part of my day.20

Something is haunting my mind, but what? I can not say,21

I just know that something is so terribly wrong,22

And all I want is this bad feeling to be gone.23

So I turn to my addictions, too hard to control,24

For they have turned obsessive, they are destroying my soul.25

They have become a trap too vicious to escape.26

They are controlling my mind, my life they are going to take.27

I feel them choking me, I am gasping hard to breath,28

I cannot hold on, I wish to God I could leave.29

Leave this torture, leave this cruel touch.30

Leave this place that I hate so much.31

For there are so many addictions that taint my day,32

That manipulate and control me in every single way,33

From bulimia to anorexia, to self harm,34

To alcohol, to an anger that will never calm.35

I do not even know life without something to get me through,36

For the impulses are too strong, they tell me what to do.37

And then my life is over for that day,38

As I sink myself in poison and hide away.39

But why do I have these addictions? What went wrong?40

For them to taint my life for so long?41

Can I even imagine what it would be like to mend,42

All of these tortures that never seem to end.43

Addictions.44

Addictions are evil, they are taking my control,45

I know this to well for they are also taking my soul.46

Leaving me darkened, deep in despair.47

I feel so broken now, but I don’t think I care. 48

They are blackening my name, they are angering my face.49

They are showing a side of me that makes me fall with disgrace.50

For they are controlling me violently, I live by their rules.51

I am trapped in them now, they are my survival tools.52

They are hiding away a pain so deep.53

They were keeping locked a secret I am forced to keep.54

But my emotions were getting too strong to hide.55

The secrets are unfolding, deep inside.56

Control.57

Addictions are starting to control my day,58

I am losing reality, I am fading away.59

Falling deep into an emotionless shell,60

Destroying my soul, making me unwell.61

I am in a trap, a big dark mess,62

That I cannot get out of, for I am aching with distress.63

A distress filled with anger and pain.64

An agonising torture that makes me insane.65

So addictions are really all I have,66

That do not make me feel so bad,67

For I feel in control, I feel no pain.68

I feel that I really can be sane.69

Trapped.70

Darkness has shadowed every part of my day.71

For he is haunting my mind in every way.72

Now I cannot function, I cannot see through,73

This misery and darkness put upon me by you.74

So now I turn to my addictions, too hard to control,75

For they have turned obsessive, they are destroying my soul.76

They have become a trap too vicious to escape.77

They are controlling my mind, my life they are going to take.78

I am now trapped, I am gasping hard to breathe.79

I cannot hold on, I wish to God I could leave.80

Leave this torture, leave his dirty touch,81

Leave this place that I hate so much.82

A Pain.83

An addiction for me is a complete loss of control,84

That changes me as a person, makes me play a role,85

Filled with anger and sadness, trying to avoid my pain,86

But ultimately it makes me act insane.87

An addiction for me brings a huge release from within,88

For it takes my mind off any pain caused by him.89

It is an impulse, a need that I have to do,90

For it is too intense as I remember you.91

An addiction manipulates and controls my mind.92

It will not go away until I can find,93

A release to the torture that is going on inside,94

For this kind of pain cannot be cried.95

Understand.96

I have so many addictions that I need to understand,97

To stop me falling to their demand.98

For at the moment the impulses are too strong,99

And I have given into them for far too long.100

But how do I control them? How do I become free?101

When I know without my addictions the pain will consume me.102

For that is the reason I have so many things wrong,103

Because the pain trapped inside of me has become too strong.104

Does no one realise that remembering is too hard.105

And I cannot handle the memories, so I have put up a guard,106

To stop my past getting me and to stop all my pain.107

That is why I have addictions to stop me screaming out his name.108

Stay Alive.109

I have never felt that I can fit in,110

And I know now that it is because of him.111

For because of what he did to me, I have to hide away,112

And turn to my addictions to get me through the day.113

This is not a life, it is something so cruel,114

That I cannot live a day without having a survival tool.115

It is so sad what you have to done to me,116

And it hurts me so deeply that I cannot break free.117

I hate waking up some of my days,118

Because I know I have to fight harder in so many ways,119

Just to help myself stay alive.120

Just to get me through so that I survive.121

Tainted.122

There are so many addictions that taint my day.123

That manipulate and control every single day.124

From bulimia to anorexia, to self harm,125

To alcohol to anger that will never calm.126

I do not even know life without something to get me through,127

For it only takes a moment for my mind to tell me what to do.128

And then my life is over for that day,129

As I sink myself in poison and hide away.130

But why do I have these issues? What went wrong?131

For them to taint my life for so long.132

Can I even imagine how to end,133

The control of these diseases and make myself mend.134

Secrets Within.135

Shame binds my secrets firmly within,136

Never revealing I am a victim of his sin.137

Yet addictions and anger scream out a voice,138

And leave me exposed with no control or choice.139

My addictions are here so I can run away,140

From all the problems that taint my day.141

But I do not want to tell the secrets deep inside.142

I just want to be alone, so I can hide.143

I keep on running for I am ashamed.144

I am scared and helpless that I will be blamed.145

For I do not remember all of the facts,146

Or understand why he did those evil acts.147

Was it my fault? Did I do wrong?148

Or was I too weak and he too strong?149

Did I deserve it? Am I to blame?150

Is that why it is me who feels the shame?151

Pain.152

It is so hard to stop my addictions because I cannot understand,153

Why I keep falling to their demand.154

Why the impulses have become so strong,155

And why I have given into them for far too long.156

I know they manipulate and control my mind,157

And they will not go away until I can find,158

A release to the torture that is going on inside,159

For this kind of pain can never be cried.160

They seem to be hiding away a pain so deep,161

Keeping me locked in a secret I have to keep.162

But my emotions are getting to strong to hide.163

The secrets are unfolding deep inside.164

So how do I control them? How do I become free?165

When I know without my addictions the pain will consume me.166

For there is a reason I have so many things wrong.167

It’s because this pain inside has become too strong.168

Victim.169

I became a victim for a period of time.170

Turning to addictions to repress your crime.171

But no matter how I tried to run from my pain,172

It still got me in the end, but it also sent me insane.173

So I have learnt now, not to run away.174

For it will always catch up with you some day.175

So I have to accept what happened to me,176

And dedicate a little time to setting myself free.177

So now after years of abuse and years of running away,178

Trying to escape all I needed to say.179

I have found my voice and now I am able to speak,180

Of the secrets of abuse I was forced to keep.181

Finding Hope.182

It is really hard to let my addictions go,183

For as I do, my memories you show.184

So how can I cope when I cannot escape,185

Away form the vicious memories of rape.186

Sometimes I need to get away,187

From thinking of you and the issues that stay.188

But the way I escape is not right.189

But then dealing with the memories becomes such a fight.190

So I need to find a balance to cope with my life,191

Instead of getting wasted or cutting my skin with a knife.192

But until I find the best ways to cope,193

Some days my head will believe that there is no hope.194

Gaining Control.195

All of my addictions are about gaining control,196

For I cannot face the pain kept deep in my soul.197

So I numb my emotions and hide away,198

Fading deep into depression with every passing day.199

My thoughts became obsessive about getting thin,200

Or releasing the poison, by cutting at my skin.201

But then the alcohol gripped me and held on tight,202

I knew then that I was losing my fight. 203

But now look at me, I feel alive.204

I know without my addictions I can survive.205

For now I know the reason that I went insane,206

I can find a better way to handle my pain.207

Forbidden Secrets.208

Why am I still depressed, it does not seem fair,209

That I am working so hard for my self to repair,210

But I keep going down and losing my way,211

For a pain still lingers inside and it will not go away.212

What can I do to change the way I feel?213

For it is getting hard to believe that I can heal.214

For one moment I am up and the next so hard I fall.215

I am trying so hard to handle it all.216

I am turning to my addictions yet again.217

To run away from this lingering pain.218

For I am getting closer to secrets so hidden.219

I am venturing inside to the secrets that are forbidden.220

Released.221

I no longer need to cut at my arm,222

For I do not need to do my body harm.223

For I have to live in this body of mine.224

So I can now repair it over time.225

I no longer use alcohol to let my anger out,226

For I do not need to lose control, or scream and shout.227

For I does not help anyone if I scream in pain,228

It only makes me look like I have gone insane.229

I no longer need to be silent when I am sad,230

I can talk about my feelings and why I feel so bad.231

For I am no longer invisible, I am not alone.232

I am allowed to make my sadness known.233

Controlling him.234

Every time I drink vodka, I always fall deep in my soul,235

Giving in to his vicious control.236

Always believing I carry a dirty mark,237

That casts me deep into a depression so dark.238

I hate that I fall and lose all control,239

And end up so angry at everything that he stole.240

It becomes a disturbing time, that I wish would go away,241

But the only way to control this is to say all I need to say.242

For speaking the words of pain, will release my soul,243

And take away any stain of your control.244

And I know I can do this, I can release my voice,245

And then controlling my addictions will become my choice.246

Talking.247

Talking for me, I could never do,248

Until I released the secrets of you.249

Now I can open up, I can say what’s on my mind.250

I can listen to my words and answers I will find.251

Answers to why I live my life this way,252

Being obsessed with food and drink every day.253

But as I speak my thoughts, the impulse seems to go,254

And I can control my addictions, by just saying no.255

No to the food that causes chaos in my head.256

No to the alcohol that often leaves me wishing I was dead.257

No to the addiction and it’s vicious control,258

And as I do this, I seem to gain more strength in my soul.259

Sabotage.260

I am not quite there yet for so many things are still wrong,261

And until these issues are sorted, my past will not be gone.262

Even though they not as bad as they used to be,263

They are still clinging on, not letting me be free.264

I seem to do good for a while, then I sabotage my own success,265

I don’t know why I do it, but it is now causing me so much stress,266

For I am ready to move on, I am almost there,267

Its just the little things now that I cannot seem to repair.268

I want to stop drinking for I am not always in control,269

For I still become the bitch inside the anger hurting in my soul.270

So if I take the poison away, she will not show,271

And if I give it up completely, hopefully she will go.272

I need to eat properly, being healthy and slim is the key,273

To unlocking all the confidence that’s trapped inside of me.274

For when I am healthy, I feel really confident to shine,275

And I need to take care of this body if I want a life that is mine.276

I need to give up smoking, it’s a disgusting habit of mine,277

And I don’t want to die knowing I could have had more time.278

So how do I do these things? How do I repair?279

My broken, weary body and learn how to take more care? 280

Think.281

Thoughts just click inside my head,282

Telling me a better way to cope, instead283

Of using my behaviours that cause me harm.284

They tell me to just sit a while, to keep myself calm.285

These thoughts are true to help me heal,286

For they make the problems seem more real.287

They argue each side and all have a say,288

So I can sit and think, then make my problems go away.289

For most of my thoughts are driven from pain.290

But taking the emotion away is making me more sane.291

For I no longer drip blood from my arm,292

And I no longer need to cause myself harm.293

Changing.294

At the moment my life seems to be going ok,295

For I feel I am getting stronger day after day.296

And I feel my issues and addictions are under my control,297

Which is giving me back my once pure soul.298

The anger that dictated every move I made,299

Has become less powerful and I am no longer afraid,300

To express my emotions and to cry a tear,301

For really I have nothing to fear.302

The reality of my day is not so hard,303

For I am relaxing my control and letting down my guard,304

Which is helping me realise that I have so much more to give,305

And pushing me forward into the life I want to live.306

The addictions that once manipulated my soul,307

Have been destroyed as I taken control.308

So now it is not so hard to live a day,309

For I am in control of the impulses that come my way.310