10/42
I’ve noticed lately and found it quite funny how when I became Wiccan, I endured, what? Two, two and a half years of ridicule, teasing and incessant rumors spreading like a fucking disease? And now suddenly, EVERYBODY’S Wiccan. And by everybody I mean people who don’t know SHIT. They don’t have a clue! These are kids that don’t respect the people around them, don’t respect the world they live in, and above all else, don’t respect themselves: ignorant, stereotypical, pretend nonconformists who’d do anything to piss their fucking parents off. It’s like a damn FAD now. “Oh, witch? Yeah? I’m in! Where’s my broomstick?”3
Come face to face with ME, bitch. “Do you even know what the broomstick SYMBOLIZES?”4
“Uh, no, I’m too busy getting high, slitting my wrists, listening to shit music and crying over trivial matters because MY LIFE SUCKS SO FUCKING BAD.
”5And you all think I’m JOKING.6
Cam’s suppose to sing at a baseball game on the nineteenth, and I really wanted to go. I mean, of course I did – I haven’t seen him since fucking FEBRUARY. What the fuck?! The first time I brought it up to mom, she looked into it, said it was the day after pay day, and pretty much led me to think I actually had a chance.7
Yeah, RIGHT.8
So the second time I brought it up – today – she says, “Probably not,” (meaning “no.”) “I have to work Usborne that weekend.”9
So I asked about going to homecoming with him the weekend after.10
“I want to work Usborne as much as possible this month.”11
“Can’t you do a book party up there?”12
“It just wouldn’t be worth it.”13
And this is the woman who got her doctor to put her on disability for two weeks just because she doesn’t want to fucking go to work and there isn’t a god damn thing wrong with her.14
Speaking of Cameron, we’ve been fighting a lot lately over whether he’s gonna do drama this year or not. LAST year when he did drama, it SERIOUSLY cut into our “us” time. Not that it MATTERS this year any-fucking-way. It’s not like we actually talk to each other anymore. Plus on top of that, I’ve been nagging him like a persistent housewife telling him to get a job. He won’t. So when the time comes for him to move down here and he wonders, “Why don’t I have any money to get an apartment down there?!” he’ll know why. And where will I be? ALONE, as usual. Duh. Shouldn’t that have been obvious?15
And I KNOW it’s going to happen.16
Anyway, back to the drama topic. He’s been whining about how “he had so much fun last year doing it and he doesn’t want to NOT do it this year.” Yet he KNOWS I will be PISSED with him if he does, because I ASKED him not to. Yes, I am keeping my boyfriend from doing something he actually wants to do, and it’s his senior year. Fucking sue me. Leave me a comment about how BITCHY I am.17
Speaking of which, he thinks I’m bitchy too, so. It’s like we’re not even a fucking couple anymore. It’s all mechanical. “I love you.” “I love you too.” There isn’t any MEANING in it anymore. It’s like neither of us can give a shit anymore – or we’re just too numb and broken to care.18
So to relieve me of my lack of Cameron and lack of other things in my equally lacking life, I’ve decided to take some stuff up like archery and dance classes and vocal lessons and shit just to eat up time. I’ve also been doing homework, which seriously eats up my time anyway. I’m also supposed to read every day and then log it – who the fuck logs what they read? – so that’ll also give the clock a good kick in the ass. I made a list of books I wanna read and stuff, and they’re written down in the back of my English journal. 19
Oh, yeah, English. It’s so funny how during the week at school and shit, I come off as happy and cheerful and enthusiastic and fun. You all know me. But in English we do quick writes. So basically we just write without even thinking about it after she tells us what to do. And I HATE them because after coming off as cheerful and happy all the time, you’d think my writing would be too. But, no. All my pain comes out in those stupid, insignificant words, and best of all? None of them can be taken back.20
So back to killing time. I got back into Jpop this year and because my father doesn’t have a job currently, I should be able to go because now I have someone how can pick me up. (not to mention my mom can, considering she’s on “disability.” Personally I think her only DISABILITY is her being unable to fucking MAKE time.) Also, REAP starts back up next week, and I am NOT happy about it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE REAP. I put my sweat, blood and tears into that fucking club. But that was back when it was small, and we all knew each other and, better yet, we all loved each other. And it was so easy and so much fun – I mean, there was no such thing as a bad day if I got to go to REAP.21
But we have new freshman this year, and apparently, REAP’s big now. And I don’t want new people. I don’t want to have to meet people that are gonna stick around because they like other people. No one knows me, and the thing is, people ANNOY the SHIT out of me. And when people fucking annoy me, I get annoyed. Makes sense, right? Right. The thing is, when I’m annoyed, it is NOT good. Oh my fucking god. I can’t stand annoying people. And it’s not like I can be all “GTFO.” It SHOULD be like that, considering I’m the vice president. But sadly, no. I’m apparently coming off as an antagonist lately and Connor (prez) is trying to keep the freshmeat away from my teeth. I honestly don’t know WHY I am so UPSET about REAP getting a jillion new members. But there were some IDIOT fuckers at Jpop and I don’t tolerate idiots either, because you can fix annoying, but you can’t fucking fix stupid.22
Ugh.23
My mom is also trying to get me to do a booth with her at this one thing. I can’t say it, so I’m gonna say the Pickle Parade. But the Pickle Parade is this big thing that happens in our district every year and everybody who’s anybody from the high school and middle school go.24
Needless to say… I’ve never been.25
Anyway, people I know are gonna be there, and I am NOT going. It’s bad enough that when I go to booths I’m all, “aw! I wanna go get MY face painted!” Or “AW! I wanna be out shopping too!” But then these are people I KNOW almost flaunting it at me. Not to mention it’d get around that miss Mickey Jean was at the Pickle Parade working a booth with her mommy. Not like I’d actually give a shit about that though, we all know one wrong word to set me off and I’d take someone down. But that isn’t the point.26
ANOTHER thing. Everyone knows Kat’s my best friend and no one can ever replace her in my heart, she’s my best friend, she’s my sister, she’s my family, she’s my universe and I don’t know how I’ve made it this far, ‘cause I don’t have a single class with her. It was okay at first ‘cause we had (keyword) A-day lunch together. Then the school went retarded and was all “DURRHURR WE CHANGE LUNCH NAO FOR NO APPARENT REASON LOL KTHXBAIZ.” So NOW we don’t have lunch together either. Not to mention she’s hardly ever there in the mornings and scarcely ever rides the bus in the afternoons. I think we all know what that equals. Very little Kitty-Mickey time.27
VERY little.28
She’s also in ROTC now and for some reason I have a very yucky feeling that that’s going to end up taking over her life [more than soccer and judo already have (not to mention her parents whom I love but at the same time wish they’d quit SMOTHERING her)] and end up ripping us even FARTHER apart. She sells doughnuts in the mornings now on Thursdays. I don’t see why that should annoy me, because I just bitched about how she isn’t there in the mornings (oh yeah, another thing: we can’t seem to catch each other between classes either. Wtf?) but, it does. I’m also terrified that since we don’t get any time together (we’ve been having to make time and abuse our weekends like we’ve never abused them before – we hardly saw each other over the summer, either, by the way) that some other little whore’s gonna butt into her life and become her new and improved best friend.29
And watch me actually be SURPRISED when some skinny little bitch steals her away from me.30
And also, it’s really not healthy how I wake up in the morning and literally DREAD school. It doesn’t matter what day it is, what classes I have, who I’m gonna see, school is the very LAST place I want to be. I’d rather be holed up underneath the soil pressed against a corpse than THERE. UGH.31
Another thing that definitely isn’t healthy is moping Sunday through Thursday every week. Autumn told me I need to cheer up because it really isn’t good that I’m like this.32
Friday33
Fuck Fridays. Fuck life. I got in a fucking fight with Cameron Thursday night because, GUESS WHAT. Mickey was RIGHT, and he is doing drama. And guess what else? He didn’t even fucking TELL ME he went to two god damn meetings already. Yes, that’s what I’ve always wanted, a boyfriend that KEEPS things from me. And somehow the fight came down to. “WELL IF I’M SO COMMANDING THEN WHY DO YOU DATE ME?!” and, ultimately in, “FINE. WE’RE OVER.” And then after that, I was too proud/scared to take it back. Go-fucking-figure. Augh!34
Finally we worked it out (not really) and WE weren’t broken up, but hell, I sure was. I sat on the phone and CRIED and CRIED for over an hour and finally fucking stopped around two in the morning because Cameron was going to fucking leave if I didn’t. Eventually I fell asleep, after texting Autumn because I’d been trying to get her help telling her I was going to bed and how “I’ve never felt such unbelievable pain in my life.”35
So Thursday morning was HELL in a hand basket. Ugh. And then, SOMEHOW, I got sucked into Brian’s and Regina’s fucking drama. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW. Brian was asking if I was gonna go to the festival, which is the first home game of the season, and I told him after last year, fuck no. I went with him and fuckin’ MELISSA (I’m sure you all know how long it took me to dig her damn knife out of my back) and Brian, who doesn’t hardly talk to me anymore thank goodness. But I was saying something about Jasmine, who was there at the game with us, and she was SUPPOSEDLY his ex. At least, that’s what she told me.36
I thought Brian did too, but apparently I fail, ‘cause he totally didn’t, but she did after he left to get me a slice of pizza. I kind of assumed though ‘cause he was flirting around with ME back then, and Jasmine was all, “He really likes you.” And I’m all like “Yeah okay.
Don’t care.”37So I asked wtf had happened, and he was all, “I cheated on Regina with Jasmine the first three months of our relationship.”38
“WHAT THE FUCK.”39
Near the end of lunch Regina came and asked me, “Did Brian tell you he wasn’t dating Jasmine anymore?”40
“I think so.”41
“Well he lied to you and he lied to me.”42
Um.43
So I got up and followed her after she stalked off and the first thing I heard was Brian say, “THEN WHY ARE WE BREAKING UP AGAIN?” Eventually Regina ran off again, and I was asking if it’d be okay and Brian said, “We’ve survived worse. She forgave me for having sex with Amber.”44
Who the fuck DOES that?!45
Ugh, I cannot stand people. So I had this shit heavy on my shoulders when I went to third block, and the only good part of my day was the pep rally. So then SATURDAY, mom MAKES me do a LAST MINUTE booth with her, which totally isn’t fair to me at all because she’s making me do the Pickle Party booth with her too (hopefully Kat will be able to do that one with me though so it won’t be so awful.) and I did not want to get up.46
So I brought up going to see Cameron again to mom. She pretty much said no. Then she explained how “Stacie likes me, she just doesn’t want Cameron to miss out on things like prom.” Um, because he’s totally going to go with a girl that isn’t his girlfriend.
Yeah. Right. And she was pissed about him not going to homecoming, and now she’s pissed because he isn’t going to go to college right out of high school. Because she’s just an overall pissed off person, like me. Might be why we bump heads so often.47So after that, I was totally miserable all fucking day and trying so hard not to cry in front of Mom who kept asking what was wrong. Okay. Look. If something’s wrong, and I haven’t told you about it, DON’T ASK. I don’t want to talk about it, and I DEFINITELY don’t want it acknowledged! IT MAKES IT WORSE. We packed up early though. But my night ended in UT losing to UCLA. Fuck.48
Ugh.49
And now I get to GO BACK TO SCHOOL. JOY.50
And now, I think I’ve just about run out of shit to rant about, but that doesn’t mean I’m any fucking happier.51
Fuck you, and fuck all you are. ‘cause I am sick and tired of your shit.52
Also,53
I am SO sorry to the unfortunate souls that actually READ this. God, am I sorry. I didn’t realize how long this way, but it says I have like a twenty-five hundred words written out right now. If you did read it, you shouldn’t have even bothered. If you didn’t, you’re very smart. I thought this was too long to make a journal so I made it a story. Bite me.54
I’m gonna stop right here though. It’s seven o clock at night, I’m cold, I could care less about the world, tomorrow’s Monday, and I don’t want to fucking go to school.55
Nothing new; same shit, different day.56
Ugh, I need to be fucking shot.
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