Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Eighty Three

My mom came in to the exam room1

I was confused as to what she was doing there
My mom never came in to the room until after
Dr. Kimmens finished examining me alone2

“Why are you in here?”3

I asked mom4

“The nurse asked me to wait in here with you. She’s talking to Dr. Wisslow, (Dr. Kimmens’ partner) right now. I think they’re going to admit you to the hospital because your blood pressure is 72 over 33, which is really way too low.”5

I just nodded
I was frustrated
That I had to go to the hospital
But I was also relieved that there
Was an explanation as to why
I felt so sick and weird and everything6

Almost an hour later7

Dr. Wisslow came in and explained
That I was going to be admitted to
The adolescent medicine floor of the hospital
Because I needed IV fluids and monitoring
For the low blood pressure situation8

She said that my mom would take me
Over and we could skip the ER and go
Straight up to the floor where they
Had all my information and were expecting me9

I nodded at Dr. Wisslow
Although I was sick of hospitals
I was relieved that someone was
Doing something about how awful
I was feeling physically10

At the hospital
They put in an IV and took my blood pressure
Every hour at first and then every two hours
It was hard to sleep that night with all the nurses
Coming in and out to get my blood pressure
In the middle of the night one of the nurses
Put another IV in my other arm so that they
Could get more medicine and fluids into me
From then on they had to take my blood pressure
By wrapping an adult size cuff around my leg11

The next morning a doctor came in and examined me
He explained that I might have something wrong
With my vagus nerve and that my medication
Was probably the cause of the low blood pressure
He changed my medications around a little and then
Sent me home with instructions to come back
If I continued losing consciousness or feeling dizzy12

On our way out of the hospital13

My mom mentioned that my great uncle
Was also in the hospital for kidney problems
I wanted to stop and visit him but my mom
Was really anxious to get me home before
Any more medical problems occurred with me
We were both completely sick of hospitals by then14

Sure I wanted to see Uncle Charlie
But I figured that I would see him later
He was a really cool guy that could
Pull pennies out of my ears
Make a whole salt shaker disappear
And make many smiles appear15

I loved going to his house and visiting
With him and my aunt Jenny
They always gave me ice cold diet coke
And told me funny stories about their lives16

Uncle Charlie had been on dialysis for a long time
And I knew that he was in kidney failure but to me
He never seemed like a sick, frail, and elderly person
He was also smiling and full of life and laughter17

My parents had told me that he had developed Alzheimers
But I hadn’t really seen him for a few months and so
I couldn’t imagine him forgetting my name
Aunt Jenny said he sometimes remembered hers
I thought maybe she was the one who was confused18

There was no way anything horrible could happen
To my great uncle Charlie and I was sure of it19

Horrible news came20

A few days after I had arrived home
I was having trouble eating anything
And was hearing voices a lot of the time21

That day I was sitting at the kitchen table
Crying and trying to explain to my mom
That I just couldn’t get myself to swallow
The stupid yogurt smoothie that was sitting
On the kitchen table in front of my shaky body
My mom was frustrated and yelling at me
That I had to try harder and that I needed
To drink the smoothie because she couldn’t
Watch me keep deteriorating in her house22

That was when my dad walked through the door
He closed it with a heavy hand and told us that23

“Uncle Charlie died this morning,”24

He explained that they had discharged him t
Back to his nursing home but then the nursing home
Sent him back to the ER because he was having
A lot of trouble breathing and didn’t look right
The ER had evaluated him and discharged him
Late last night because they said he was fine
He died in the nursing home mid morning25

I heard all of this and I felt a guilt heavier
Than any guilt I’d ever felt before sink
Through my throat and into my stomach26

Reality began to get that smoky and foggy
Glow to it as my thought cycle kicked into
Rapid fire gear and my thoughts lost any
Of the linear qualities that they might have had27

There was only one thought that I could
Grab onto completely with certainty
And the was that I knew I alone was
Responsible for Uncle Charlie’s death28

I had killed Uncle Charlie29

I knew this without needing
To listen to the voices who
Were repeating this truth
Over and over in my head30

Over the voices I heard my dad ask my mom31

“What’s happening here?”32

I couldn’t hear my mom’s response
My dad was standing close to me
He had a look on his face of worry
But there was something else there too
He was angry and the anger was for me
He was mad that I was struggling again33

Through the fog developing around me
I could see angry red eyes glaring through
My dad had sent those eyes to glare at me
He knew I had killed his uncle and was
Infuriated with me and my evilness34

I was mad too I was mad that my dad
Didn’t love me as much as he used too
I was mad that he had sent the red eyes
I threw the yogurt at the red eyes
Anything to make them go away
The eyes stayed and my dad yelled
I knew he was yelling at me but I couldn’t
Hear individual words that he was saying35

My mom’s face was harder to read
But I couldn’t really see it through
All the thick gray fog anyways36

I had a deep sadness weighing heavily on me
Uncle Charlie was dead and it was my fault
I needed to do something before I killed again37

There’s a knife right there
Fellingham reminded me with a low
And creepy tone of voice that made
The hairs on the back of my arms
Stand straight up in terror and anger38

You can fix this, just right across the jugular and you won’t live to kill again. You are too dangerous to live and you know it. You weren’t meant for this world how often do you have to learn that lesson.39

Jugular is a funny word40

Jugular, ugular, fuglar, nugular41

Ride your bike away again. Oh wait you can’t ride your bike away from this mess because someone’s dead and its your fault.42

The police are coming soon. You must act fast.43

My mom was standing in front of me
Her mouth was moving but I couldn’t hear
To me it sounded like she was speaking to me
While we were both under ten feet of water44

I grabbed the knife
A hand grabbed my wrist
The voices screeched
I let go of the knife
It clattered to the floor45

I needed that knife
I couldn’t see it through the fog
The voices howled in my ears
I tried to cover them up
But I couldn’t block the sounds 46

I began pacing in circles through the fog
I didn’t know what else to do with myself
Then I heard the sirens and I knew it was police
They were coming to take me to jail for murder47