It had been a while, but I wasn't surprised to find him standing at my door. Of course he was needing a place to crash. 1
"Only if you're clean." I say. 2
"Haven't used in months." He looks me in the eye as he says it. His eyes look clear. But he is a good liar so I make him roll up his sleeves. He doesn't protest. He leans the guitar case against the door jamb and starts to unbutton the cuffs. I feel no remorse at my request, after all I have Jenna and Mark to consider. Jenna is five and Mark is three and they are my first concern. He is the father of both of them though I have never shared that with him. Let him think I have other lovers who come and go like ghosts when he is away. It fits his free wheeling life style and lets him leave me each time with no guilt. 3
And while it chips away at me, little by little with each return and each exit, my heart is caught up in him and I know it will always be that way. 4
Both arms look clean, only old tracks though the porch light is weak and the daylight fading. I see him smile, his hair falling over his face in damp strands. He is cold and wet, but his hands are steady. 5
"Come in." I say and start to move back to allow him room to enter. Instead, he sets down his duffle bag, steps inside and sweeps6
me up like a rag doll in a bear hug. He spins and he holds me, making me dizzy. His presence alone does that. It makes my heart skip a beat each time he returns. 7
"Put me down!" I falsely protest but he refuses to stop. I tighten my grip around him. Feel the muscles of his back work, feel the beat of his heart against my right breast. How many wakeless nights have I spent wondering where he is and if he's hungry? Wondered if I ever cross his mind outside of a day he's in town and needing a place to stay. 8
He sets me on my feet, and he brushes the hair out of my face. 9
He holds my face and angels it toward his. 10
"Too long" he says and leans down to rest his forhead against mine.11
I feel his breath on my cheek and rest my hands on his wrists. 12
I get so much strength from him when he's here and when he's clean.13
He's the Leyton I remember from before. Before talent lead him to fame and fame led him away.14
"Hungry?" I ask as I drop my hands and back away. 15
"Famished" he responds. 16
He follows me to the kitchen where I busy myself warming him leftovers. He will eat then fall asleep on my couch. 17
When he is asleep I will gather my valuables and lock them in the trunk of my car. I will sleep with the key in my pillowcase. 18
He asks about Jenna and Mark. 19
"They are at my mothers." I tell him. 20
And I think to myself, I will need to take their piggy banks, too. I will leave him nothing to take this time. Leave him nothing to pawn. 21
As if he reads my mind, he says "I have a gig in Houston tomorrow night. Couldn't leave without seeing you; without knowing how you were getting along." 22
He comes up behind me as I stand at the sink. He puts his arms around me. Rests his chin on the top of my head. He will never know how much I miss him, even before he has left.23
Author notes
An exercise in voice and spontaneity.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I enjoyed reading this story. It broke my heart to hear that the main character found herself in a situation where she had to hide her belongings, her children's belongings, from Leyton. Your characterization is great. There are a few minor errors I saw (concerning apostrophes, punctuation at the end of quotations etc.), but a simple edit could fix those up. Other things I noticed: At paragraph 8, the phrase "wakeless nights" makes no sense...do you mean "sleepless nights"? Also, the spacing after periods varies from one to three spaces. I assume you meant to do two, but make sure they're consistent. Otherwise, it was a really great piece...keep writing, and keep posting!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you, Eddie, for the wonderful comments. How are you, haven't heard from you in such a long while. We need to catch up. And it's nice to be missed...just have so much going on at the moment. And funny you mentioned screen play writing.
And thanks for fielding my typo's...my mind gets ahead of my fingers sometimes...I'll get those corrected shortly.
M -
Thank you, Travis. I was in a writing seminar not long ago where
the instructor did a most unusual exercise. It sparked this small idea that lead to this. Funny how the writers mind can be blank for a while, then overflow with such wonderful ideas.
Hope all is well with you..and how is that tarantula?
Edited on Oct 21, 5:20 because ''. -
I'm gonna miss reading you...take care...
"When he is asleep I will gather my valuables and lock them in the trunk of my car. I will sleep with the key in my pillowcase."
I never have understood the need to steal from friends tho it has happened to me an many occasions. I guess it is a cheap (sometimes) way of discovering who your real friends are and exactly how much they value your friendship...
Overall a very good write. You might think of expanding this
to novel length and making a screenplay of it...would make a
good movie of the week...
Hugs...Eddy
Tech side...jest a kuple of spealing airs...
He holds my face and angels (angles) it toward his.
"Too long" he says and leans down to rest his forhead (forehead) against mine. -
excellent. you've nailed the emotional trauma of wanting to love someone while knowing youi can't trust them. the voice in this piece is very strong, grounded. I like this a lot.
good stuff, maddie. you write exceptional prose.
~travis
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Thank you, Jole. You are always such an encouragement to me and it means alot. I know you will be honest and let me know if there is a weakness.
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Another good one..knowing you cant trust someone is hard..I felt like I was there and i visualized the whole thing..its also ashame when a father would steal things from his own kids..Awesome awesome awesome write!!
Ahh i love you!
Jole -
Voice and spontaniety....whatever the motivation, just damned absolutely wonderful, excellent!
And you touch upon so many things...sighs...from the cold damp Oregon winter I called a gal in Gainesville. Florida, a long time ago...she sent me a plane ticket...not quite the fame and famous thing you had, but travels about the world, exhausted, lonely and needing a little love.
You have such heart and soul in your writings, such feeling and such a way of expressing that very special femininity I always refer to in your stories...a woman's way of thinking that few men ever even realize.
Wonderful write, my friend...wonderful!
amicus...
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