Hidden Wings of Life

Storming; winds, gales, hail, everywhere1

I’m blinded, can’t see you, my light2

A whirlwind of emotions swirling in her heart. Arashi sang while her fingers flitted over the guitar strings. She turned and smiled at her accompanists: drummer, keyboard, bass. Ryan grinned at her winningly, twirling his drumsticks before bringing them down in a satisfying crash.3

Where are you, my life? Hold me, don’t let go4

Alone, I can’t live without you5

The unbearable loneliness, the feeling of being the only one left out, it’s horrible. But with Ryan, she’ll live through anything, even the damned disease.6

By your side, don’t leave me behind7

We’re one, fate and destiny bind8

Somehow, she had been cursed, given this disease that would eventually kill her. Life turning away, leaving her in the lurch. Tears started flowing down her cheeks, streaking them, leaving a path behind. Still, she carried on; the tears, though uncontrollable, unhindered her singing and playing. Ryan gazed at her back, knowing that the strength needed for her to carry on was immense.9

Hope: I’m not beaten, I refuse to be10

Death? I’m unafraid but I don’t wanna go, not yet11

They say that people battling fatal diseases or injuries are the strongest; they’re not wrong. Arashi, nearly at the end of her life journey, had been granted her first concert, a short half-hour but it meant everything to her. She, though diagnosed with a disease that could easily kill her suddenly, had lit up at this proposition. She did not want to leave just yet.12

Desire: So much I wanna do but can’t13

’cause of you, giving up, abandoning me, but14

Why can’t I live? I’m just 17, soon 18. My life’s only started; I can’t die! Arashi wanted to scream at the world for giving up on her, for letting her die, for letting her leave just like this, when life has just started. 15

I wanna live! I wanna love! I want you forever!16

Who would want to die?17

Chord after chord she strummed, word after word she sang. Fans shouted and sang along with her, the newest teenage Rock singer, new but popular, and strong. They waved madly, cheering her on. Encouraged, Arashi strummed a string of harmonious chords, fast and booming.18

A sudden short pause. But still she continued, using another string as a substitute. Gasps from the crowd changed into a deafening cheer, cheering for Arashi’s perseverance. She was playing as well as before, despite the great difficulty; the audience were awed, and applauded her, their idol.19

Tears mingle with the rain; I can’t tell20

What’s mine, what’s there, except for you21

She could feel her heartbeat, still going, not stopping; it’s still there. Life hasn’t abandoned her, but maybe it was only a matter of time.22

Why Fate won’t let me live? She kills me23

I’m scared; I hate you but you’re my everything24

Her voice wavered a little; the pain was a lot to bear for one so young. The disease should never have come to her, it wasn’t’ fair. Hell, life wasn’t fair.25

Sorrow buries my music; pain the lyrics26

Bittersweet. Longing; I can’t have you: Cruelty27

Ryan knew Arashi suffered a lot. She kept a brave front but he saw the breaking soul within. Her dream was to become a world-famous singer; she refused to die before it came true. Not being able to have her life, it could not be any crueler for such a sweet, happy-go-lucky girl. Ryan really wished he could do something, but he never could, not when he’s like this.28

Hatred: Gentle caress, you’re too nice to me29

You hug me, tell me ’ts OK when it’s not; I hate you30

Liar. What seemed to be the truth never was. Arashi hated her, but she loved her too. Sometimes in her dreams, she saw Life, hugging her, patting her softly, telling her she was loved, never to be abandoned. It was a dream easily shattered, an illusion created through her desires. Arashi knew that, but not wanting to believe it, resenting reality, she warmed to the gentle touch of Life.31

Sufferance: dying, fading into oblivion32

Please no. Losing you, my friend, my lover, my life33

Many thought that Arashi had written this song for Ryan; they were wrong. Arashi had written this for Arashi, or, Raven for Raven, more exactly, herself, her life. After their many years together, he could understand her thoughts: don’t leave me alone, I feel so lonely; you’re the only one left who’s willing to stay by me, to take care of me, to protect me, to love me. To her, Ryan was nothing more than a very close friend, or so he thought.34

Shadows fleeing, peace ensuing, ’cause of you. Smile! Laugh! Dance!35

Tears kept falling, dripping onto her fingers, onto her guitar. She should practise what she preached, she thought ironically. Maybe she could try to take up dancing.36

But without life, nothing would happen. Because of her one chance, she was able to enjoy Ryan’s company, bask in her family’s love, and have fun with her friends. Life gave her this, taking away doubt, bringing surprise and peace, but she’s also taking everything away. It’s uncanny, how the one thing that gave her everything was also taking away everything. She hated it; she wanted life to love her, to become her. 37

Music pulsed thought the concert hall as Arashi surveyed her handiwork: crazy fans singing and dancing along to the music she produced. Maybe she would become a legend; she would like that. Maybe the title “Queen of Rock” would be bestowed upon her! Maybe, if not for the bloody disease.38

Eternity awaits; I can’t stay. Abandonment.39

Illusions disappearing; you’re gone. Loneliness.40

No, why can’t I stay? Why won’t you follow me? Why did you leave? Why did you abandon me? Why did you leave me alone? Tears streamed down her face, tracing the dried path down her cheeks. They sprang up from her eyes freely, falling, dripping. The feeling of loneliness, the sorrow and pain, were unmatched to everything else she had suffered after knowing she had this disease. She wanted them to be gone, to leave her alone, to let her live her life. Why can’t Fate do that one simple thing?41

My tears, raindrops; shadows fled, silver light enclosed42

Confused. Serenity enfolds, wings unfolding43

Ryan was her beacon, showing her the way back home, never letting her get lost in the maze of Life. The silver light in him was just like Life herself. The peace, the serenity always overcame her when she was with him. It left her confused, not knowing why she felt the inner peace, knowing that he would never let her get lost or leave. His wings were her sanctuary, her Heaven.44

Crippled, searching for nothing but hope, love, happiness45

Dest’ny, ruthless killer, crush you and me; pain, sorrow, hate46

He remembered Arashi asking him why she had to die. Lying wasn’t an option; both knew the truth. He had replied that Destiny had brought them together, giving them the chance to meet, but She had also brought with her the disease that’ll kill her, bringing the pain. Though Arashi was still fine physically, inside she was near-broken, “crippled”. Even so, Destiny went on crushing her hopes, killing her along the way, entirely ruthless.47

The poor girl once said that she found hope, love and happiness in Ryan, but in him, she also found pain and sorrow. She hated herself for being so cruel to Ryan, hated Destiny for taking her away.48

Her face paled as her heart beat faster, still, her voice held, singing the melody, fingers strumming its harmony. Faces blurred before her; she felt a little dizzy. The concert was taking its toll on her, even if she was physically fit, the excitement and the fast, insane song before had been a little too much. No, I will not faint, she promised herself fiercely, this may be my last chance!49

Hurricane, storm. Raven, martlet. Thunder, lightning.50

Miraculously, you’re there. No. A reflection: mirror51

Raven, aka Arashi. Her name meant storm, a destructive force. The raven - strong though tiny - was just like her. Meeting each other, Raven had been lost in the winds, amidst the thunder and lightning, like the martlet lost in a hurricane. But she survived, brave Raven did, navigating her way through by the light, searching for the source, only to find that it was all a lie. The light had only been her imagination, an image of herself filled with light.52

I hesitate to reach out, fearing a shattered mirage53

Ripples. Innocence vanishes, leaving the astral universe54

Like touching the still surface of water, it wavers, then is gone. Arashi found that Life was the same, just there, within reach, but she dare not touch it, afraid it would leave at once, immediately, lost forever. The innocent girl gone, already away in the stars, never to return with Life.55

Alone and abandoned. Another life, another soul, gone.56

Ryan wanted to cry out, to take Arashi in his arms, to assure her that everything was OK. She was not alone; he was still here, not planning to abandon her anytime soon, even if death loomed over them. Arashi was not gone, she was here, because he was too. 57

The last lyrics of the song rang in the hall, running up to a climax. Arashi played the final chord, Ryan gave his final crash, the melody and harmony intertwining, resonated together. The crowd went wild.58

Everyone was screaming and yelling. Arashi panted, worn out but she turned to grin at Ryan. He smiled, and gave her a thumbs-up. Shouts brought her back to her adoring fans.59

“Arashi! Arashi! Arashi! Ah-rah-shi~”60

“Raven! Raven! Raven! Ray-ven~”61

“WE LOVE YOU!”62

Feeling giddy with excitement and happiness, she cried out to them, “Thank you! Thank you everyone for your support!”63

Still, it was not enough; they were unsatisfied, wanting more, more! More of Arashi’s heartbreaking lyrics and fast-paced music. More from their beloved, dying singer.64

“Encore! Encore! Encore!”65

The shouts began, carried on by others and soon, the entire hall of fans was punching their fists into the air, requesting, calling for another song. They yelled, screamed, shouted, all in the hope that Arashi would grant their one wish.66

Arashi sincerely wanted to sing more, however, she was afraid her body could not take it any longer; the mental and physical exhaustion were too much. Summoning up her strength, she held the microphone near her mouth to speak, but no sound was produced. Her fans waited expectantly, eyes wide-open like innocent children’s. The hall was silent, waiting for Arashi, their dearest singer-cum-guitarist to say something to them. The young girl was at a loss; her voice refused to surface – she had no way to address her fans. Unknowingly, she had strummed a chord on her guitar, instinctively turning to her next alternative: music.67

Her emotions formed the notes of the song, a song without lyrics. The people were surprised and confused, but slowly, they sensed Arashi’s emotions, the very ones she had put into her song, the root of it all, the ones that made her suffer. Pain, longing, hope, sorrow, love, happiness, anger, desire, desperation, hatred, reluctance, confusion… all were present in the notes she played. But there was one they could not identify or name. It was like bittersweet longing, a broken-whole heart, or want for better and worse, whatever it was, it was a powerful emotion. Tears glistened on everyone’s cheeks, streaming down steadily. They wiped them away in surprise and wondered why they had fallen.68

The singer cried most of all, though her playing never showed it. Her endless tears kept falling, seeming to go on forever. Ryan sensed the pain she was going through, feeling as though he had been cut open and had his heart exposed. He had no choice in this; Fate had decided, even if Destiny had brought them together. Oh Raven.69

At the last chord, as if a spell had been broken, the crowd started and looked at one another in confusion. Ryan, unaffected by Arashi’s touching music, did not let his gaze leave her.70

She smiled, then left the stage quietly amid the commotion, and collapsed. Ryan caught her as she fell, bringing her to one side.71

She had fainted, soon falling asleep peacefully. Somewhere, a clock struck 12 midnight, signaling Arashi’s 18th birthday. Ryan cupped her face gently, lovingly. He whispered,72

“Raven, I’m your life. Silly girl, you wrote it for Life but inadvertently you were writing it for me. I won’t abandon you or leave you alone; you know that. Oh Ray, I should be the one telling you not to leave, not to go, not to abandon me and leave me alone. Don’t go, we’ll work out something, I promise you won’t be left alone so don’t die on me, OK?”73

He plucked a string on Arashi’s guitar absently. She stirred but did not awake. He let her sleep, playing with her hair idly. The world consisted of only the 2 of them, Raven and her Life, Ryan.74

In her dreams, Raven was feeling extremely confused. She was singing to a crowd of fans, much like during her concert, but Ryan was among them, and she had to find him. Everyone looked the same; none stood out like Ryan did, no one had his sense of security. She searched and searched, even looking within herself to find that silver light. Nothing. She felt utterly abandoned; the fans did not matter anymore, she wanted Ryan to be with her.75

“Ryan? Ryan! Where are you?” she called silently. “Please don’t leave me alone.”76

A sob broke into her mental voice; a tear escaped. Her surroundings melted into the background; she was all that was left. At a loss, Raven stared dumbly into the darkness ahead. Gone, everyone’s gone.77

But there’s light. In her. Within. Ryan.78

A form materialized faintly before her, his wings unfurling and wrapping around her. Ryan. He hugged her tight, reluctant to let go. Raven remembered wondering if it was really a dream. He held her face, barely touching the warm skin under his ice-cold hand. Then, he kissed her, lightly, fleeting and nearly gone but caught just in time.79

His wings opened, stretching to their full length, releasing Raven slowly. She realised that he was fading away, for real, forever. She could not bear it; Ryan was her light, her hope, her link to reality. Grabbing blindly, determined not to let him go, she clutched onto his wing. The feathers responded to her touch but were still fading fast. Desperate, scared, Raven screamed.80

“Ryan! Don’t go! Please! I don’t want to be alone…”81

He looked back, and Raven saw his face, so full of sorrow and regret that she started to cry.82

“I’m sorry, Ray. This is the only thing I can do for you. Thanks for all the memories; I really appreciate them. And… I love you… forever…”83

He was gone, just like that. Caught up in her grief, she cried, nearly bawling, so it took her some time to notice it. Through her tears, Raven saw his last gift to her; a feather from his own wings, intertwined with a raven’s black one. On it, in flowing script, was “嵐” – Arashi.84

She woke up in her bed, her guitar beside her, with a snapped string. A dream? No. she could still feel Ryan’s hand, the kiss, the touch of his wings. 85

And the feathers. 86

“Thank you, Ryan,” she whispered to the wind. “The short time you gave me, it’s unnecessary; it’s only a matter of time, but I know you know that I don’t want to go yet. I’ll see you soon, in Hell, in Heaven, in the Elysian Fields, wherever you are I’ll find you. Because I love you too, my guardian angel, my life.”87

The feathers glowed, then floated over to Raven, nudging at her hand. She opened her palm, and they lit up above it. Her entire body glowed, a faint white light: silver. Finally, they dimmed as the feathers melted into her heart, where it glowed a little longer.88

The light was gone, but Raven didn’t feel alone anymore. Wherever she was, she would always sense Ryan inside her, guiding her, giving her strength, never leaving her alone as he’d promised. She would never be abandoned to the day she died and joined Ryan, her Life.89

Raven and Ryan, souls intertwined, never to separate, abandon the other, left alone.90

Life, Death; Destiny, Fate.91